Chapter 21 *Reactions*
About a year ago… Brittany…
It was another one of those days… everything went wrong that possibly could. For the third time that week her boss wasn't satisfied with her work and she couldn't even blame him. She had a hard time concentrating and wrote the worst articles in her short but successful career so far.
Many hours later her car broke down while she was on her way to a late shift at the club so she had to call Puck to give her a ride. The security guy had to come help her twice that night because two drunk idiots thought they could grope her ass when she served them their shots. She only worked at the club because it was good money. And because it kept her busy. At home she'd only hang in front of the TV and think about how shitty her life was. Work kept her mind off remembering…
"Brittany! There's someone at the bar asking when your shift is over! Do you want me to tell her you're busy? It's the girl with the short blonde hair… really cute" Brittany put her tray on a table for two and threw a glance over her shoulder. Sara, her co-worker winked at her and pointed to the counter where Brittany spotted the mentioned girl. A rush of nervousness filled her chest because she wasn't expecting to see Vivian so soon again.
"Oh uh… no, I'll be right there! Thanks Sara." She smiled at the other waitress and then thanked the two girls sitting at the table for the generous tip after serving them their drinks.
She grabbed the tray and made her way through the crowded bar until she reached the counter where Vivian was sitting on a stool.
"Hey" She said and patted the blonde's shoulder. Vivian turned around. A bright smile graced her lips.
"Hey yourself. Sorry to bother you during your shift but I was around and thought I'd see if you're working tonight and maybe wanna… hang out later?"
Brittany narrowed her eyes at the flirty tone in Vivian's voice. Of course they both knew that by 'hanging out later' she actually meant having sex. They'd done it several times now and Brittany wasn't sure why. Usually she'd lose interest after one time. She never gave away her number but somehow she and Vivian had ended up in bed together more than once. It was probably because Vivian wasn't freaking cuddly like most of the other girls. She didn't want to snuggle afterwards, they would just lie on the mattress and let each other catch their breaths before they'd get up and either take a shower or have a drink on Brittany's balcony.
They didn't talk much but really appreciated each other's bodies. Because Vivian did have an awesome body… she was a dancer, well trained, had a very pretty face and her tongue piercing had been a nice surprise during their first kiss.
She didn't know why she felt a tingling sensation in her stomach by looking at Vivian. Maybe it was because she knew that they were going to hook up later and the woman was really not a bad lay. But she had been thinking about Vivian more often lately than she wanted to allow herself.
She wasn't looking for a relationship or anything – hell no… but for the first time since Diane's death she sort of liked a girl as in more than just liking to give her an orgasm.
"My shift is over in twenty minutes." Brittany stated and pointed at Vivian's empty glass. "Can I get you another? It's on me."
Vivian perked an eyebrow and nodded.
"Sure, thanks" Brittany put the empty glass on her tray and smirked at the blonde before walking away and disappearing behind the counter.
Forty minutes later she had Vivian pinned down on the couch in her living room and her lips were connected to the other blonde's hot mouth. It was an amazing kiss. She jerked as the realization hit her why her heart was beating fast.
At first she thought it was because they ran up the stairs to her apartment but she calmed down once they had grabbed a beer out of the fridge and taken a few sips. Her heart was beating fast because she was this close to developing feelings for Vivian. This was so not the plan. She didn't want anything serious, right? It'd be too complicated. She didn't have time because she was working like a maniac and well… she still thought about Diane way too often.
Could it be that she liked Vivian? That they could be something bigger? It wasn't impossible. Maybe she had been an emotional cripple in the past couple months but it didn't mean that she couldn't fall for a girl again. Maybe she should just give it a try?
"Brittany" Vivian sighed and wrapped her legs around Brittany's waist. "Please just… fuck me already."
Brittany's eyes fluttered open. She looked down into desperate green ones. Fuck me already… The words confused her even though she knew exactly that this was why they were here. Or not? Maybe Vivian felt those tingles in her chest, too when they saw each other.
"Viv" Brittany whispered and grabbed the blonde's hand that was fumbling on Brittany's belt. "Wait…"
Vivian looked up and her eyebrows furrowed.
"What? Is something wrong?" She asked with a shaky voice, the anticipation showing.
"No, no" Brittany mumbled and smiled at the girl beneath her. She had never looked at her freckles this closely. They were cute. "It's just… maybe we could do something else?"
"Something else?"
"Y-yeah"
Vivian frowned. Her free hand wandered up and down Brittany's arm.
"What do you mean something else? We're kind of in the middle of something great and I really… really want us to finish it."
Brittany chuckled when she leaned down to peck Vivian's cheek.
"I know, me too. We can finish it later in my bedroom. I was thinking we could watch a movie first. Or something." Her breath hitched in her throat when she saw the slight confusion written over Vivian's face. Maybe it was a bad idea but she wanted to try this. It could be fun. Vivian was a really nice girl.
"You want to watch a movie?" She questioned and Brittany slowly nodded. "Okay but why? Aren't you turned on anymore? You were breathing pretty heavily just a minute ago." Vivian smirked and grinded her hips up into Brittany's which caused both of them to moan softly.
"I… I am. But-"
"Britt… I come here for one reason, right? We both love getting it on and so far it's been simply amazing."
"I know. That's why I thought maybe we should do other stuff, too. Maybe we could go on a date sometime." Her heart was racing in her chest. She couldn't believe she just said those words. Was she out of her mind? A date?
"A date?" Vivian whispered. The smile on her face wavered. "Brittany… I'm flattered, I really am. But-" Brittany swallowed hard. A heavy feeling settled in her chest. She was ashamed of the sudden hurt she was feeling because she should have known that Vivian wasn't interested. "I want things to stay the way they are. I'm sorry, I'm sure you'd be a great girlfr-"
"No, I probably wouldn't." Brittany interrupted. She was surprised about the sudden cruelness in her voice. She pushed herself up and knelt between Vivian's thighs. They stared at each other for a couple wordless seconds. The embarrassment and anger slapped her across the face. How could she be so stupid?
"You should go. I'm tired." Brittany mumbled and grabbed Vivian's shirt which had been hanging on the backrest of the couch. She dropped it on her chest and got up on her feet. Her hands ran through her hair as she pressed her eyelids together. She heard Vivian getting up from the couch, too.
"Brittany, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's ok. I wasn't completely serious anyways. Just go home now, ok?"
"I really like you and you deserve to find someone after everything you've been through."
Brittany's heart skipped a beat. It felt like the air was getting thinner. Slowly she turned around and watched how Vivian nervously fumbled on the shirt in her hands.
"What? What are you talking about?" She asked with a faint voice. The lump in her throat hurt. Vivian's eyes widened and she looked desperate.
"Oh… I mean I've heard what happened. That your girlfriend passed away last year and-"
"Why the fuck would you know that?" Brittany spit. She glared at the short haired girl. Vivian shrugged.
"People talk… I've heard that this is the reason why you're so angry-"
"Shut up" Brittany's heart was hammering in her chest. She clenched her teeth together. "Shut up and leave"
"Britt"
"Get the fuck out, Vivian!" She shouted and angrily pointed to the front door. She watched how Vivian grabbed her jacket and made quick steps across the small living room. She threw a regretful glance at Brittany before she reached for the doorknob and opened the door.
Brittany turned around and scuffed towards her bedroom after she heard the door shut.
Hours later she was lying under the covers and once the tears had dried, she swore she'd never end up in a situation like this again. She'd never ask a girl out on a date, she'd never kiss them with that much passion, she'd never feel the butterflies and she'd definitely never fall for a girl again.
Never ever again.
The current day… 25'000 feet above the ground…
She smiles weakly at the memory. After that night she ran into Vivian a couple times and the blonde was still interested in her (physically) but Brittany only snapped and told her to leave her alone.
She's not sure why she has to think of Vivian now. But it actually makes sense… after Vivian she swore she'd never get attached to a woman again. And here she is falling for Santana. There's nothing she can do. She got run over the day she met Santana – literally and metaphorically. Without warning Santana burst into her life and turned everything upside down. She finds herself wanting it even though it still scares the crap out of her. What if this turns out to become another love story without a happy ending? She and Diane didn't get the happy ending. A crappy ending…
She can't handle another loss. Santana would definitely be capable to break her heart because she's already gotten so attached. It's been really easy to fall for her.
Sometimes fear and love must walk hand in hand, right? Because no matter how scared she is; for the first time in years she feels completely safe with someone. For the first time she wants all those things she swore she'd never get close to again.
She sighs heavily and throws a glance to her left where Rachel is slumbering with a book in her hands. Across the aisle there are Kurt and Mike. They're playing cards which Brittany finds quite funny. She turns her head and looks over her shoulder where she finds Santana a row behind and curled up in her seat, headphones on her head and a blanket pulled up to her shoulders. Her eyes are closed but Brittany can't tell if she's sleeping or not. It wouldn't surprise her if she was though, regarding the amount of sleep they got last night.
Partying, dancing, drinking… getting mugged, crying, kissing… and then she said those three words. She swallows and turns to look away from the brunette. Her heart still jumps when she thinks of it. On one hand she wishes she knew what Santana was thinking at that moment but on the other she's glad she can't know.
Sometimes it's better not to know.
Santana's POV… later…
Quinn's pills for travel sickness turn out to be a true life saver because I'm feeling surprisingly fit once we land in L.A. It's late afternoon and the weather is stunning – it's good to be home. Quinn babbles something about already planning her next trip to the Big Apple but I'm not really listening. Instead I keep throwing looks at Brittany, hoping she'll look at me, too.
We're waiting for the next cab because Rachel and Mike took the first one. When Brittany finally does look at me, I'm at a loss of words. She smiles so sweetly and I get all nervous. I try to smile back at her but I'm not sure if it's working. Ever since last night my emotions are all over the place. She told me she loves me and my reaction was the reaction of the century but not in a good way…
… Late last night…
She looked at me so deeply and with such adoration that I was sure I was going to melt in her arms. Never had I felt this connected to someone. Never had I heard someone's heart beat out of their chest because of me.
Minutes ago she was squeezing my hand almost painfully tight and gasping incomprehensible words just because I did something I had never done before. I had no idea I was good at this. But once I started kissing her lower than her bellybutton and played with her butterfly tattoo, she became all mine and even though she didn't say it – her actions begged me to release her. Her grip on my hand, her wriggling body, her shaking thighs… my God, she was breathtaking.
Once she had come down from her high and was lying in my arms after many soothing kisses, she watched how I studied her face and listened to her breathing that was still not quite even. When our eyes locked, she looked so vulnerable. I thought I could see right into her.
I could tell she was about to say something but the words that left her lips surprised me. At first they just sounded in my ears but when I realized what they meant, they got injected straight into my heart.
"I love you"
My heart stopped beating. I held my breath and Brittany's warm hands on my back held me close. She meant it, I knew immediately. She meant it with all her heart. The trembling lips, the shaky breath. I could have cried. She was so beautiful and I was… speechless.
My eyes wandered over her facials. I couldn't believe I deserved this. I had been living a shallow life. Pretended to be in love with my husband and then cheated by kissing another woman at a staff party of the Sylvester magazine. I hit a woman with my car because I was driving without the lights on… Left my husband behind to be with that woman.
How did I deserve to feel so loved? So happy in the most exciting city in the world while others were being left behind and broken hearted? I wanted her so much. And I wanted her to know that. But seconds passed while I was thinking all this. I always had to think so much! Silly! And then it was too late. I had missed my chance to say it back because if you have to think this much then it obviously means you're not ready to say it.
"That's great" Came over my lips instead. Oh my… no… just no.
Brittany blinked at me puzzled. I wanted to get up and kick my own butt. That's great? What the heck? Passing an exam is great. Moving into a new apartment is great. Meeting Paul Estevez is freakin' great but a love confession?
"I mean… I – I mean… I'm happy!" Worse. "I'm really- this is… wow so, so-" Shut up!
"Hey" Brittany whispered. I couldn't believe she was smiling so angelically at the stuttering mess lying on top of her. "Just kiss me."
I started breathing again when Brittany said it so lovingly and her arms around my upper body pulled me into her. Her lips ghosted over my cheek. Then they were on mine and kissed me longingly.
She wasn't mad?
I cupped her face with my trembling hands and kissed her back. I couldn't do what I actually wanted but I could give her what she was craving. And so I kissed her with everything I had.
"Santana, this one is ours."
Kurt's voice snaps me out of last night's memory. I feel his hand on the small of my back when a cab halts next to us. I'm not ready to go back to Kurt's. The past few hours went by so quickly. I feel weird saying goodbye.
While Kurt helps the driver to get our suitcases into the trunk, another cab arrives to get Quinn and Brittany home. Quinn gives me a warm hug and kisses me on the cheek with a happy smile on her face.
"See you on Tuesday, San." She says and then falls around Kurt's neck to wish him a nice day off tomorrow. Shelby wants the six of us to stay home tomorrow because she's scared we're jetlagged and won't be able to focus at work.
Kurt blows a kiss to Brittany. Then he jumps into the backseat of our cab while Quinn disappears in the other.
"Hurry up, Santana!" I hear Kurt's highpitched voice before he slams the door shut.
"I'll be right there." I mumble and look at Brittany who takes a step towards me.
"Enjoy your day tomorrow." She says softly and leans in to hug me. I wrap my arms around her waist.
"You, too." She feels so good against me. I really wish Quinn and I could switch cabs. I want to go home with Brittany… but it would probably be weird. We didn't speak on the flight back to L.A. because I sat with Quinn. When I woke up this morning Brittany was already in the shower and then we went for breakfast all together. We haven't been alone since.
When she pulls back and kisses me on the cheek, I turn my head at the same time. Her lips land on the corner of my mouth. She chuckles and boops my nose before stepping back. I watch how she reaches out to open the door to the backseat of her cab.
"Hey!"
She turns around at my call. I search for words.
"Am I going to see you soon?" I ask with a bite on my lip. I'll see her at work on Tuesday but maybe I can't wait that long. She smiles with a soft nod.
"Yeah… you are." She replies with a wink and then opens the door to get in. I watch how the cab drives off as soon as Brittany's safe inside. I scratch my forehead before I step to the one that's waiting for me.
"Santana" Kurt speaks up once we've been driving for a couple minutes. "Whatever is going on between you and Brittany, you can talk to me if you want to."
I turn to look at Kurt who's gazing out of the window. I nod. I knew he was sensing something ever since Mike unwittingly pointed it out at the restaurant.
"Thanks Kurt" I mumble and steer my view back outside of the window. I'll probably need someone to talk to. Because last night things got real. I'll try anything to not mess up.
With a sigh I reach into my pocket because my phone vibrates. It's probably my brother Ricky asking if I landed safely. Whenever I go away somewhere he writes me messages all the time. If he knew what happened to me and Brittany last night...
But it's not my brother...
- I might feel like going for a walk on the beach tomorrow... with you.
Relief fills my chest when I read Brittany's message. It makes me feel a lot lighter than when we were saying goodbye before. I can't help the smile that plays on my lips when I type an answer and let her know that I'll probably feel like a walk, too.
There are things we need to talk about.
Soon I get a reply, letting me know that she's looking forward. I'm still not used to those butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her name on the screen... but that's ok.
Chapter 22 *Hearts*
Brittany… the next morning…
She's nervous. No - scared. Or both. Basically she's freaking out while waiting outside of the café where she's going to meet Linda. Maybe she's already inside?
Brittany takes a deep breath and slowly gets out of her car. Is this a bad idea? They haven't seen each other in so long. They probably won't know what to talk about. Why did she agree to this? Oh well… it had only been a matter of time that Linda would contact her again. After all Brittany had written down her new email address in her letter so Linda could write her electronically.
She saw the email yesterday while they were still waiting for their boarding call at the airport in New York. With trembling fingers she opened the message on her Blackberry and read Linda's invitation for coffee. Even though she felt the urge to talk to somebody about this, she kept it to herself. The only one of the travelling group who knew Linda was Rachel but the brunette had been all sleepy and moody so Brittany decided to wait till they got home and then she asked Puck for advice.
He told her to go for it and catch up but she was still nervous. Brittany typed a quick reply to let Linda know she would call her the next day to set a date where they'd meet for coffee.
And here she is – hoping her legs will carry her inside that Café instead of making her run away as fast and as far as she can. She's been hiding from Diane's family long enough. Time to make a change. Time to find closure.
This is what she's hoping for; closure. Because living with a broken heart for two years is a long time. She can only give her heart to someone new if it's mended. Santana probably doesn't know how shattered her heart actually is. And she probably doesn't know that she's the one who's mending Brittany.
She smiles at the thought of the brunette. They will get together for another walk on the beach later this afternoon. But she needs to take care of this first and that's when she climbs the two steps to get inside the Café.
She still looks the same but more adult and prettier if possible. Linda is sitting across the table and stares at the spoon in her hand. She's been stirring her coffee for the past two minutes without saying a word. Brittany has been watching her silently.
When she stepped inside the Café it only took her five seconds to find Linda. The striking blonde hair and those coffee brown eyes caught her attention right away and it took Brittany completely aback. She thought she was walking towards Diane when she approached Linda's table. They had always looked alike but this was almost creepy. Maybe she added more resemblance in her head because it had been so long since she last saw Linda. Her throat was dry when she sat down in front of her.
"Hi Brittany" Linda had greeted her and gave her a shy smile.
"Linda" She replied softly and after exchanging some small talk like 'how are you doing' and 'did you get here by car' they fell into silence. For the past couple minutes Brittany has been watching Linda play with her spoon.
"You look good." Brittany speaks up after a while because she can't take the silence anymore. "Dance class must be treating you well, huh? I can't believe you're studying dance. I mean I always hoped you'd go through with it but wow… you're a professional dancer!"
Linda's eyes lighten up at Brittany's words.
"I'm not really a professional, yet but I hope to be one day. I'd love to dance in musicals, videos or even be part of a tour."
"I don't have a doubt you'll make it, Linda. It's been your greatest passion, right?" Linda nods and smiles softly.
"Yeah… yours, too. I still don't understand why you became a journalist instead of a professional dancer, Britt. Everybody would have wanted you."
Brittany bites on her bottom lip and can't deny it. Dancing had been her biggest dream but somehow she thought she should study something else. She doesn't really know why.
"Maybe… but it turns out that writing is my other great passion. I've got a pretty good job right now." Linda listens intently when Brittany tells her about the Sylvester magazine and her eyes widen when she learns that Brittany spent the past weekend around the Paul Estevez' fashion empire.
"So yeah, being a journalist is great fun but I still miss our dance sessions in your parents' basement." Brittany chuckles at the memory of not too many years ago where she would teach cheerleader Linda new dance moves and learn some of the blonde's in return.
"Me, too" Linda sighs with a smile and then bursts into laughter. "Diane always got jealous when you spent half of the evening with me down in the basement instead upstairs with her."
"True… whenever I got back to her room and tried to kiss her, she pushed me away because I was all sweaty and jumpy. I had to give her a private lap dance so she'd talk to me again."
"Gross, Britt spare the details!" Linda pulls a face but laughs at Brittany's memories. They chuckle when they talk about the past and how they always used to joke that they would have actually made a great match if Linda had been gay and bit older. They never told Diane about this of course. Brittany loves that she always shared this special bond with the younger sister that nobody knew about. She misses it…
The smile on Linda's lips slowly disappears and Brittany knows that the light part of the conversation is over.
"I'm doing well these days, you know? But I'm still not over Diane's death." The younger blonde says softly. "It's been almost two years but you don't lose a sister and keep living the same life. Everything's different… I hardly talk to my dad because he's been drinking again and my mom pretends to be fine when I know she's not. The only support I have is my boyfriend Spencer. I can talk to him about Di whenever I want."
Brittany swallows at what she's hearing because she feels instant guilt. She could have been there for Linda and listened to her. Instead she ran away.
"I wish I had been stronger." She admits and glances at Linda. "I should have stayed and taken care of you. But I was so hurt… I couldn't be around you guys without feeling completely heartbroken. At first I thought being close to you would give me strength but it was the opposite. I couldn't look into your mother's eyes because she was so disappointed in me for letting Diane push me away. I couldn't look into your eyes because… because-"
"Because I look so much like her." Linda finishes her sentence and nods slowly. "Brittany, I'm not blaming you for trying to ease the pain by walking away. I'm not mad. I'm just… I wish you hadn't shut me out, you know? I wasn't asking for you to come back and hold my hand. But sometimes I really longed to see you just so we could hang out and dance and feel good, you know? We always had so much fun and suddenly that was gone. I lost a sister and a great friend."
Brittany tries to swallow down the lump in her throat but it hurts too much. All this time she thought she was doing herself and Linda a favor by walking away but she reached the opposite. All Linda wanted was to dance and have fun.
"Linda I'm so sorry." She whispers and wipes away a teardrop that is about to roll down her cheek. "I'm really sorry." She feels a warm hand cupping her own and looks up into brown eyes.
"I know"
"You must hate me for leaving you behind."
"Hey… what did I just say? I'm not mad at you. I'm glad you were ready to meet me today."
Brittany nods. She wishes she could forgive herself this easily. If Linda can do it, then maybe she should try it, too?
"You're a pretty wonderful person, do you know that?" She asks and causes Linda to chuckle.
"Oh well you're not so bad yourself. But let's stop with the nostalgic topics and wipe away the tears. I want to hear good things. So tell me… is there someone new in your life?"
Brittany's eyes widen at Linda's funny grin and how she's obviously done talking about the past. She clears her throat and tries to buy time by taking a big sip of her tea.
"There is someone! You're blushing!" Linda exclaims and points at Brittany.
"What? I'm not blushing. There's… well…"
Linda kicks her shin under the table. The excitement in her face warms Brittany's heart.
"Spit it out!"
"Ok, ok! Jeez… alright there's this woman that I work with and – wait, isn't this kind of weird? Talking about my love life?"
"Why?"
"Because of…"
"Because you dated my sister? Britt, if you have found someone who makes you happy then I want to hear about it."
"Okay… It's a long story but I'll give you the short version. Her name is Santana and she's an intern at the Sylvester magazine. Sometimes we work together. She hit me with her car the day I had my job interview but it turns out I couldn't stay mad at her for long. I kissed her, then she left her husband, then she lived at my place for a couple days and you know… things got interesting but then she decided to move in with a friend and then we flew to New York where she and I got mugged but I was her hero and saved her and then I said 'I love you' but she didn't say it back. She was really cute though because it took her by surprise. We'll see each other later today and I guess we have to talk about a few things. But all in all she's just… amazing."
She must have been babbling at a fast pace because Linda is narrowing her eyes, trying to follow the summary of Brittany's love life. The blonde exhales a laugh and shakes her head.
"She hit you with her car? You guys got mugged? And you love her? Like…love her?"
Brittany chews on her lip and shrugs with a foolish smirk.
"She blows me away. I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't hoping to fall in love when I applied for that job. But it's happening and I want it. I really want it."
Linda gives her a dreamy look and squeezes Brittany's hand that she's been holding for the past minutes.
"Wow this is great, Britt. I hope things work out. I'm really happy for you. You deserve it."
They smile at each other and for the next hour they talk about things they've missed in each other's lives during the past two years.
When they say goodbye outside the Café Linda steps close to Brittany and wraps her arms around her neck. The feeling of holding her friend in her arms overwhelms Brittany. She's still her friend, she didn't lose her. Things are ok.
"Don't forget me, Britt." Linda whispers into her ear and holds on tight.
"Never. I will always hold a special place for you and Diane in my heart, I promise. And if it's ok I would love to check out one of your dance classes and see where you go to college."
"Okay, that'd be great. I'd love to show you around on campus. Bring Santana, I totally want to meet her." They pull apart. Linda smiles happily before she leans in and pecks Brittany on the lips.
"Take good care, B. I'll call you soon."
Brittany nods and a light feeling settles in her chest when she watches Linda stepping towards her car. She waves before she drives off.
She had been hoping for this to turn out ok but she wasn't countingon it. Linda could have been cold and repellent at Brittany. But everything is ok now and they're going to meet again. She's more than fine.
At the same time… Santana's POV…
Kurt has been throwing short glances ever since we stepped into the park and sat down under a tree with our sandwiches in our hands. I can tell he's been dying to know what's going on. Ever since the taxi ride yesterday he's been hoping for me to start talking about the thing with Brittany but I needed a night to think about it on my own.
In a few hours I'm going to meet Brittany at the beach. I still don't know exactly what it is that I want to tell her. We need to talk about us, that's for sure because our last night in New York changed everything. She said those sweet words and I didn't say them back. We don't know what we are. Friends with benefits? Colleagues who sleep with each other? Secret lovers? More than all that?
"I know I said you can come to me whenever you feel like talking but it doesn't look like you're ever going to start. I don't want to force you, Santana but I almost can't take it anymore! Why did you and Brittany hug so intimately at the airport? Why did Mike ask if there is something going on? Why the hell did you keep throwing glances at Brittany and it looked as if you were madly in love? What the hell? Are you two more than friends? What's going on? Santana, release me please!"
I stare at Kurt. I'm scared he's going to hyperventilate if I don't do something real quick.
"Uh… well-"
"Come on!"
"Okay! Let me speak, alright?"
"Oh right. Go ahead"
"Thing is" I begin and let my hand run through my hair while my eyes wander around the park. "It's hard to put into words. Everything I'm feeling is so overwhelming. I've never felt like this before." I mumble and glance at Kurt who's cutting into me with his eyes.
"Feelings… for Brittany" He assumes and I confirm.
"Yes"
"But how? I mean, don't get me wrong but you and Brittany didn't exactly get along when she came to the Sylvester."
I sigh and turn to face Kurt. I make myself comfortable because I already know Kurt's answer to my following question.
"Do you want the short or the long version of what's happened between me and Brittany since day one till now?"
Kurt closes his eyes for a moment to prepare himself. Then he takes my hands into his.
"If there is a long version then this sounds like one hell of a story. I want the long, detailed version and don't you dare leave anything out. You having a thing with another woman is already the best story ever! Ready, set, go!"
I chuckle at Kurt's honest excitement and clear my throat. I'm nervous to tell him but man it feels good to tell someone who can somehow relate. I never heard the whole story of Kurt's coming out but I know it was only two years ago and before that he actually lived in a relationship with a girl. Quinn is great to talk to but Kurt gets me on a different level.
"Do you remember the day of the false fire alarm? They evacuated the building but it was just exercise."
"Yes, yes I remember very well." Kurt says clearly.
"Well… that day I met Brittany in the pouring rain. I hit her with my car and she had to go to the hospital." Kurt's eyes widen in shock but I don't let it distract me. "She was mad at me at first but then everything changed… for the better."
Turns out, Kurt is a great listener and I'm pretty sure after today I will call him one of my closest friends. For the past hour I have been getting everything off my chest that has happened and how confused I am. Even though I know exactly what has happened I am so confused…
"I keep wondering if I have been attracted to women all my life and I just never realized it. Now that I think back, I'm pretty sure that men and women have checked me out whenever I went dancing at a club with friends. I thought the girls were checking out my dress or something but maybe some of them were trying to flirt and I was completely unaware. I always liked looking at women but it didn't cross my mind to flirt with them because… because I always thought the fling I had with that girl at high school was just a phase. I started dating Gabe and I was… straight. But maybe I wasn't? Does that make sense? Is something like that even possible?"
Kurt takes a sip of his soda and nods slowly.
"That makes perfect sense. You never felt this way before – how were you supposed to know that it could happen to you? Santana… Brittany is opening up a whole new world to you and it's a lot to understand and to deal with it. Nobody can blame you if you're overwhelmed. Try to take things slow, there's no need to rush things. You're going through a major change in life. It's ok to be confused and insecure. It'll take a while until you have it all figured out."
"Great… I want it figured out now! I don't want to make Brittany wait until I know who I am and what I want."
Kurt smiles sympathetically and leans back until he's lying on the grass. Soon I mirror his position and we stare up into the sky. I wish I could see answers up there.
"You're gonna be ok." Kurt says and grabs my hand between our bodies. I squeeze his fingers and let my head rest against his shoulder.
I really hope he's right.
The sun is already setting but it's still warm enough to hang my sweater over my shoulders and hold my shoes in my hands when I approach Brittany who's already sitting on the sand a few feet away from the water.
Last time we met on the beach we ended up kissing until there we were the only ones by the water and the stars twinkled from above. How will the night end this time?
"Hey there" I greet her when I step next to her. Brittany looks up and raises a hand to shield her eyes from the setting sun.
"Wow" She mumbles and blinks at me.
"What?" I grin when I sit down. Her eyes wander over my face as a smile forms on her lips.
"You're gorgeous." She says softly. I bite on my lip when I reach for her hand. "How was your day?"
I tell her how I spent the afternoon with Kurt in a park and relaxed a little after that eventful weekend. While she listens to me she plays with my fingers and smiles when I mention Kurt and that we had a good time.
"What about you? Did you enjoy the sun instead of sitting in the office?"
"Mhm… I had breakfast with Puck and Rachel but I felt like the third wheel actually. They won't admit it openly but it's so obvious that they have giant crushes on each other and I'm never sure what is going on. And uh…" Brittany trails off and steers her eyes to the endless ocean. "I saw Linda."
I narrow my eyes because it takes a while until I know who she's talking about.
"You mean Diane's sister?" Brittany nods and throws a quick glance at me.
"She contacted me again and asked if I was up for coffee to finally catch up. I was really nervous about meeting her but I wanted to see her."
"How did it go?"
"Very well. I thought we wouldn't know what to talk about but once the ice broke everything was like it used to be. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be able to talk to someone of Diane's family again. I thought I had lost them forever."
I put a strand of hair behind Brittany's ear and caress her cheek with the back of my hand.
"I really don't deserve any of their forgiveness."
"Brittany… telling them to not call you was your way of grieving. I'm sure they know you didn't do this to hurt them."
Brittany scratches her forehead and gives me a look that I can't quite read.
"Leaving wasn't everything I did wrong. I messed up pretty badly when Diane was already very sick."
I frown and wonder what Brittany means. I decide to just let her speak while I play with the sand around us.
"When we found out that she was sick everything changed. Instead of sticking together we started fighting a lot. It was the desperation… not knowing what was going to happen. I tried to be strong for her but we were both so young and had no idea how to handle it. One day we got tired of fighting and decided to just push it away. It was a silent agreement to not talk about the future and what we both knew was going to happen sooner or later. I don't know how we made that work but it did. We pretended that things were ok and had two more good months… I can't tell you how she did it. She knew she was sick but she pulled herself together."
I picture a younger Brittany with the woman I saw in the picture in her living room and wonder what kind of couple they were.
"How did you mess it up then?" I ask and watch how Brittany sighs softly.
"On the inside I was freaking out. I had no idea how I would deal with losing her. At the point when she had to be hospitalized, I was a mess. Diane changed so much within a short time. She became a different person at the hospital. She didn't want me to see her fade away, you know? Two weeks before she died she broke up with me. I thought she was kidding but she was dead serious."
Brittany chuckles bitterly.
"Bad choice of words… she was serious and didn't want me to see her like this because she thought I couldn't take it. So I stayed away from her because I didn't want to stress her. But I was kind of mad, you know? I wanted to be there and that's when I messed up. Puck took me out one night because he couldn't see me suffer like this. He wanted to get my mind off everything and took me to this bar I had never been before. There were these two girls. Puck started talking to them and soon we were buying them drinks and they were being really sweet. A couple hours into the night Puck was making out with one. Before I knew it the other one was straddling my hips and my brain shut off… we ended up making out. The next morning I showed up at the hospital and didn't leave Diane's bed until she died four days later. She didn't know I was there."
Brittany's eyes roam over the waves in the water. I'm staring at her silhouette. I didn't know all this. She has never opened up this much and told me such things before.
"I messed up because what kind of girlfriend was I? Then again I wasn't officially her girlfriend anymore but still. To me it wasn't a real break-up. What a betrayal… at that time I seriously hated myself."
I grab Brittany's arm and she slowly turns her head towards me. We look into each other's eyes. I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate her honesty but I'm scared I'll say something stupid.
"Now you know… I'm sorry."
I don't know what she's apologizing for but I don't want her to apologize. I cup her cheek and let my thumb run over her bottom lip while she watches me intently. How do you comment on a story like that? There's nothing I can say. She must know I want to kiss her when I keep switching between her eyes and her lips because her eyebrows knit together.
"Don't you judge me?" She asks weakly. I shake my head.
"No" I simply don't.
But I do lean in to capture her lips with mine and a soft sigh sounds from Brittany's mouth. While we're kissing I imagine the pain Brittany must have felt. Losing your love in such a tragic way. That's horrible. I'm whining at Kurt because I'm confused about my sexual orientation while Brittany has gone through so much worse. But here she is; no tears in her eyes but a brave smile on her lips. Why would I judge her? I didn't know that version of her when she was younger. I know the Brittany who saved me in New York. I know the Brittany who showed me what it means to make love and feel true butterflies in my stomach for the first time in my life at the age of twenty-three. She's my hero…
I cup her face with both my hands and try to tell her that with my kiss. Her arms wrap around my waist and when she pulls me in, I almost lose balance in our sitting position. Hot breath hits my cheek when our mouths part after long seconds.
"And then there you are…" She whispers. It warms my whole body. I open my eyes and see how she does the same. I hum against her lips and let my fingers run down to her shoulders before I eventually drag her in for a hug. For a long while we just sit there and hold each other.
"Do you want to walk for a bit?" She asks once we pull apart. When I nod she gets up on her feet and offers me her hand. "Come on, enough about the past for today."
I accept and squeeze her hand in mine.
"Alright. Race me to that lifeguard tower?" I ask and point to one of the towers in a short distance. Brittany laughs and gives me a pointed look.
"You'd lose, Santana… don't wanna make you cry- hey! That's not fair!" She yells but I'm already running as fast as I can. This isn't fast at all because I'm laughing so hard when I sense her coming closer.
"Is that all you got?" I hear laughter in her voice, too and try to make my legs move faster but it's hopeless. Just a few feet part me from my victory when I feel arms wrapping around my waist from behind. I have to stop because of my uncontrollable giggles.
"Shoot!" I exclaim with fake anger when we come to a halt and Brittany presses into my back. "So close"
"If you can't play fair then I'm not going to play fair either." She mumbles into my shoulder and kisses the skin there. A bit out of breath I cover her hands on my belly with my own and chuckle at our silly behavior.
"That was fun." I hear her voice against my ear.
"Yeah? You want another try to the next tower?"
Brittany laughs softly and holds me tighter.
"No, no we can just say you won if you want that victory so much." She giggles when I roll my eyes. "Because you're so fast…it's crazy how fast you are."
"Okay you know what? I only couldn't run fast because I had to laugh so hard at the puzzled look on your face. But go ahead, make fun of me."
Brittany cracks up at my pout and spins me around in her arms so we're facing each other.
"Aww sorry beautiful. Kiss to make up?"
"You wish" I mutter but can't help staring at her mouth. I grin when she leans in with puckered lips and eye lids pressed tight together.
"Dork" I breathe before I press my lips softly on hers.
I clear my throat when I pull away from her because suddenly I remember that there are other things we need to talk about. I almost forgot.
"Hey uhm can we sit for a while?" I ask carefully and point to the tower. Brittany understands my hint.
"Sure"
She lets me walk up first and when I sit down on the wood, she mirrors my actions.
For a minute we just look at the sea in front of us but we can't see far as it's getting pretty dark. Where do I begin?
"Britt I-"
I don't know why I'm suddenly calling her by that nickname but she doesn't seem to mind. "I can't stop thinking about our last night in New York. I mean it was scary but it turned out to be so amazing when we got back to the hotel and then… I'm so sorry, I feel like an idiot for the way I reacted when you said that you…"
"No, Santana it's me who should apologize. I don't know what I was thinking when I said it. Actually I do know what I was thinking because I meant it but I should have known that we might not be in the same place and that I'd put you in an uncomfortable position." She says it softly. I bite my lip at the hint of regret in her voice. I don't want her to regret it.
"No, no you didn't put me into an uncomfortable position. I was just caught off guard but I don't think we were in different places. It must have been so weird for you when I stuttered some incomprehensible words after you said that you love me."
I exhale a shaky breath when I finally name the words. I almost don't dare to look up into Brittany's eyes. Kissing is so much easier than talking. But we both knew that one day we'd have to talk to make things clearer.
"Actually it was kinda cute." Brittany says and smirks.
"You think? Oh well I don't know… but Brittany that night got me do a lot of thinking. I know that I without a doubt feel the same way." Brittany's eyes light up. I smile when she takes my hand into hers. "Of course I feel the same way."
"But you're scared of something." She gathers. I shrug lightly.
"Yes. Everything's happening so fast and my life is changing so much… there's the divorce and my conscience towards Gabe that keeps haunting me in the back of my head. I wish so much I was free, so I could just go with it." I take a deep breath and squeeze Brittany's hand.
"I don't want to hurt you. What if I can't give you what you deserve?" Brittany furrows and slowly shakes her head.
"Santana, I'd never push you to take things to the next level as long as it doesn't feel right. I want you to feel good about this."
"But we've been acting like a couple whenever we see each other. You'd eventually want a relationship, right?"
Brittany thinks about my words and then nods.
"Yeah… I guess I would. But only if you want it, too."
"That's what I'm afraid of. When I picture us as a couple then I want it. I'm so happy when we're spending time together. But I'm scared we'll do it and everything starts out great but then suddenly I realize that I'm not ready for a relationship because I just got out of a marriage. You see, if we become a couple then I want to do it right but at the moment I don't think I can do it right. Things would hold me back. My parents would think I have lost my mind. Not that I care too much about what they think but this is something I think about. I have never been with a woman, Brittany. Not really… what if I'm not good at it?"
Something between a smile and a compassionate look forms on Brittany's face and she pulls my hand up to her lips.
"I would show you. I'm still learning, too you know? Diane was my first real girlfriend. I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with you, either. We'd have to find out together. I'd take good care of you, Santana."
I'm melting at her words and it would be so easy to just say yes and lean in to kiss her. It would be so easy to give it a try but this is not something you just try out once and carelessly throw away if it doesn't work. I can't push away my sorrows.
"I know you'd take care of me. But I have never been on my own. I was depending on Gabe and I'm now learning to do everything on my own. Sooner or later I'll move out of Kurt's place because his roommate will be back and then I will live in my own apartment. I have no idea what that's like but I have to find out. Hell, I don't even know how much a two-bedroom apartment costs per month because I never had to worry about it. I spent Gabe's money without thinking twice if we needed things or not. But now it's time for me to learn all that. I also want to learn it."
Brittany has been listening carefully and holding my hand against her chest.
"I understand that. I didn't really think of it before. Because I've been living on my own ever since college. After Diane I had plenty of time to learn all those things. I was forced to take care of myself. I can see what you mean."
We fall silent for a while. I listen to the comforting sound of the waves and feel Brittany's warm hand in mine. This was only the first thing I had to tell her. There's more…
"I don't know if I'm going crazy but I really have been thinking a lot." I state and shrug softly. "I thought about what it would be like if we were together. Like officially. Please don't freak out but I'm just trying to be completely realistic. What if… what if someday we feel the longing to start a family? We can't just make babies on our own. We can't just get married."
As soon as the words are out there I regret them. That was too much. I freaked her out. Her eyes widen drastically and her lips part but nothing comes out. Shit! I always manage to say the wrong things.
"Santana, I wasn't thinking about getting married right away." She says and while I feel utterly silly for even picking up that topic, a loving smile forms on her lips. Maybe she's not freaking out that much?
"No, I know." I say quickly and chuckle. I can feel the heat in my face and I'm pretty sure I'm turning red. "Sorry, you must think I'm a crazy control freak who needs everything planned out."
"I don't. I'm a person who's been living day by day and not worrying what might come tomorrow. I wasn't ready to plan my future because I was still somehow stuck in my past with Diane. I didn't have a reason to consider having a family one day because I was alone and not looking for a relationship. You're being realistic. I probably should do that, too."
I take a deep breath and watch how Brittany fumbles on the hem of her shirt with her free hand.
After a while I speak up.
"It's just because… I mean let's face it. We're not seventeen anymore. We're still young and it's not like we have to make a decision about our future in the next two days but women in their twenties automatically think about it sooner or later. Maybe I'm thinking about it earlier because I have already been married, I don't know."
"Yeah, that's possible… and it's ok."
I sigh and pull Brittany's hand to my lips, kissing it apologetically.
"I'm sorry for babbling about all my sorrows. This thing between us has been so carefree and here I come like a bomb and ruin it all."
Brittany chuckles and shakes her head.
"That's not true. I'm glad we're talking about it. It's important."
"I guess. It's just so much to think right now. Ugh! If we decided to get together then I will fall for you so hard. I know it. I don't want to risk ending up hurting each other just because I wasn't ready."
Brittany turns to look at me closely and lets my hand go. She reaches for my face and cups my cheeks, our eyes locking. Her sincere glance makes a lump form in my throat and somehow my heartbeat faster. How can she be so patient with me? I think I'm going to cry.
"Hey" She hums as her thumbs run over my cheeks. When she kisses my forehead I can't help the tears pooling in my eyes. "Hey look at me." She says when I avoid her eyes. I look up but just for a second. Then I burst into tears.
I feel soothing kisses on my temples but the teardrops roll down nevertheless. She already saw me crying in New York, she must think I'm such a pathetic weeper. But it's kind of her fault. She makes me feel all those things. When a ridiculous sob leaves my lungs I grab Brittany's shirt and press my forehead against her cheek.
"God Brittany you can't just steal my heart like this." I gasp and feel her shaky breath on my hair. "I'm not ready. But it's not up to me, you have it… you've had me the first day we met. I just didn't know it."
Brittany's lips press against my head. Thick tears drip down my cheeks and land on Brittany's shirt.
"Me, too" She whispers with a soft sigh. I shake in her arms. It's really pathetic. "Oh honey… you know what-"
"I also don't want to lose you!" I blurt and pull back. I wipe away some of my tears and look at her intensely. "I'm scared that if I tell you we can't be together right now - that you will stop wanting me. I'm scared you'll be hurt and you'll avoid me. That's exactly what I don't want to happen. And before I know it, you find someone else and I have missed my chance."
Brittany shakes her head in denial.
"Hey listen. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not saying it's all or nothing-"
"I'm so complicated! I say I can't be in a relationship but at the same time I don't want you to find someone else because Iwant you! I'm so stupid."
"Stop it, you're not-"
"But I'm a mess!"
"Santana, please let me say something."
I blink at her a couple times and wipe away some more tears.
"Oh…yes. Sorry."
She smiles before she parts her lips to speak.
"We will find a way. It's obviously not the time for us to be in a relationship with each other. We both need to be ready for this. Fully ready… never would I push you. I'd rather wait."
I stare at her lips and can't believe what she's saying. This is impossible – she's too good.
"You would wait for me?"
"Yes" She says without hesitating. "If you let me."
My eyes wander back and forth between her eyes and her hands that have found mine once more. She looks at me with such honesty. It does something to my insides, to my heart.
This woman will be my end. No, my beginning. Whenever that is… I swear she'll have me. All of me.