Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans. This is a work of fiction that I am not making a profit off of.
A/N: Yay regular updates! Here is the next installment…
WARNING: THE FLASHBACK CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SELF MUTILATION AND SUICIDE. THERE ARE ALSO SMALLER MENTIONS OF SELF HARM IN THE CHAPTER PORTION AS WELL!
Flashback
"Raven?" Robin murmured, sleepily looking at the empath standing in front of him. "It's," He paused, turning to look at the clock on his nightstand behind him. His naked hazel eyes squinted, adjusting to the bright digital lights. "It's four thirty in the morning. What is going on?"
Raven's smile was hazy as she stumbled against the doorway, damp hair curling around her face. "I-" She started, chuckling a little bit. With her shoulder pressed against the frame for support, she raised her bloodied wrists to him. "I'm gonna pass out. I need-"
"Oh god!" Robin panicked, grabbing her arms as he tried to stop the bleeding. "What happened?"
That question really didn't require an explanation.
He could see the long slices wrists to elbow, clearly self inflicted. "Why would you do this?" He whispered pulling a shirt from the floor, circling it around her arms. "We need to get you do a hospital."
"No." Raven protested, shaking her head. "Doesn't matter. I just need you to help me bandage m-"
"You don't get to kill yourself because you're afraid." He snarled. Eyes stinging with tears, Robin pulled her into his room. "Eyes open, Raven!" How was he supposed to get help? If he released her wrists, she was going to be bleed out.
Raven slid down to the floor, eyes fluttering shut as her head fell between her shoulders. "I took," Her breathing was heavy as she laughed lightly. "Took a bottle of morphine from the Med Lab. Calm down. It doesn't hurt."
Christ. "How many pills did you take?"
"Couple hand fulls." She murmured, head dropping.
"I need you to hold your arms up."
She laughed. "No point." Her eyes were glazed and dull.
"I need to get help." He was trying to stay calm. "You need to keep your arms up, so we can make sure blood is going to your heart. I'm going to get Cyborg, he-"
"Doesn't matter." Raven looked at him sadly. Her head slumped back as tears slid down her cheeks. "He won't let me go. I tried." She lowered her arms, looking at her handy work.
She hadn't expected death to come quickly.
Raven understood the mechanics of the method of suicide she'd chosen. There was nothing romantic about bleeding out in her bathtub alone, but she figured it would be the most practical thing for her to do. The bathtub would make it easier for her friends to clean up her mess and give her enough privacy for the act.
Jumping off the tower meant confronting her fear of falling.
Hanging left too many things to chance, and she wasn't thrilled about choking to death if her neck didn't snap.
She didn't like guns, so she wasn't even gonna bother with this.
And to ensure her success and ease her nerves, Raven had taken a fist of pills before sinking into the warm water to cut.
The second cut had come easier than the first, and it only took seconds for her to be surrounded by crimson.
Raven closed her eyes, her forehead resting against the tile as she waited for death. Her heart and breathing slowed, and the world seemed to swirl around her.
Darkness never came though.
She sat in the tub watching her blood drip from her gashes under her fingers were wrinkled and soft. Soft evil laughter from her father bubbled in her head when she realized death wasn't coming.
Frustrated and scared, she stumbled out of the tub to Robin.
"Trigon?" Robin asked slowly.
Raven nodded, her teeth clenched as felt her face bloom with embarrassment and bitterness. "I thought if I wasn't here, I couldn't complete the prophecy. What was I supposed to do?" The tears were flowing freely now.
"Not this! This isn't the answer." He never thought he'd be thankful for Trigon, but Robin couldn't deny that Trigon's will was keeping Raven alive.
The stab of failure burned in her chest as she cried drowsily. "I think I left blood in the hallway."
Robin placed a hand on top of her head affectionately as he sighed. There were so many things he wanted to talk to her about. "I'll take care of it." They could talk when the bleeding stopped. "Are you gonna be okay?"
Her laugh was bitter as she started sobbing, "It's not like I'm going to die."
Flash Forward
They drove until candy wrappers covered the dashboard, empty soda bottles littered the footwell of the passenger seat, and their bodies and eyes ached.
When Roy's jaw stretched with a yawn fierce enough to crinkle his eyes and slow his acceleration, Raven decided it was time for them to find a place to rest. About twelve hours into their trip, they'd made through Nevada and were somewhere in central Utah.
"Ya know," Roy started, rubbing his hands together deviously as he paced around their room. They'd checked into a modest inn that neighbored a restaurant. The area around them was quiet enough to hear the soft spring chirp of awakening insects, but close enough to see the lights and energy from a city near by.
Raven sat on her bed, pulling her knees to her chest. Her head tilted against her thighs with interest.
"I think I'm going to see if the restaurant has grilled cheese," He grinned. His eyebrows wiggling playfully as he sleepy stretched his arms above over his head.
"How are you hungry?" She murmured looking at him with disbelief.
"I am a growing boy."
"You ate a grilled cheese sandwich that had to have five pounds of cheese on it," Raven yawned, shaking her head at him.
He rolled his eyes, waving a playfully dismissive hand. "Exaggeration."
"You also ate the other half of my sandwich, and your fries."
"Yes," he confirmed, leaning against their door unimpressed.
"You have a tapeworm."
Roy howled with laughter. "Driving makes me hungry."
"I'm afraid to see what you eat after a good workout," she commented seriously.
"Hey, it's vacation," he told her opening the door. "I'll worry about the calories and consequences when we get to Steel. You want anything?"
Raven wrinkled her nose, moving to her backpack. "I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat-"
"Said no one ever."
"I think I'm just gonna take a shower," she commented. Taking out a pair of pajamas, Raven reached for her bag of toiletries as she yawned. "If they have unsweetened iced tea, could you get me some?"
"Unsweetened?" Roy questioned his eyes narrowing to judge her jokingly.
"Yes." She stuck her tongue out at him impishly. "Could you please get me a small order of fries, too?"
"Unsweetened tea and small fries?" He slowly backed out of the room, shaking his head in disappointment. "Who are you, woman?" Roy shut the door with a wink before Raven had the chance to roll her eyes at him.
She released a heavy sigh, allowing her shoulders to curl over toes as she stepped into the small bathroom. Quickly pulling her clothes off and kicking them to the corner, Raven didn't give herself time to analyze the sea foam tile and pale bubble gum pink porcelain. She turned the shower to the highest temperature the dial allowed, clenching her fists as the water burned her skin.
Her day had been as close to perfect as it had ever been.
She and Roy drove in comfortable silence, stopped for peanut butter cups, chips, and soda, listened to bad pop music, ate a gut busting amount of grilled cheese, and had pleasantly silly serious conversations.
Raven learned about his ability to easily memorize song lyrics and his love of for the cooking channel. She was able to share her unapologetic secret love for 'Pretty Pretty Pegasus' without him making a comment or grimace of surprise.
She'd had a good day.
With a good friend.
Her transition to Steel City was feeling like the right decision.
So, why did she feel so upset?
The sleeping arrangement had made her uneasy at first. Granted, they were sleeping separate beds, but they were feet apart. Raven made it a habit not to share her a bed with any men in the past.
Extracurricular activities were fine, but sleeping was a solitary act.
This was business. She'd shared a sleeping space with male teammates in the past. Raven recalled sharing a tent with Cyborg, Nightwing…
Changeling.
Roy wasn't any different.
Raven placed her hands against the tile as her fingers twitched with pain. Her eyes fluttered dizzily as her teeth sunk into her bottom lip, steam clouding the bathroom as she whimpered.
"Leave it alone."
Changeling growled, pulling his phone away from his ear to look at the screen. "Leave it alone? She walked out on us without saying goodbye!" He sighed, placing his hand against the counter as he patiently waited for her answering machine. "And now she's ignoring us!" He screamed into the phone.
Starfire lowered her head as she carefully stirred the simmering tomato sauce. Her eyes shifted to the irritated changeling and back to her cookbook as she listened to the scene behind her.
"Or she's being a responsible driver by ignoring her phone when she's at the wheel," Nightwing told him, carefully molding meatballs at the island counter. His transition from Robin to Nightwing wasn't just a professional transformation. Nightwing was a reminder that he hadn't turned into his reclusive mentor, and he intended to see that didn't happen.
"Yea, or-" Changeling stopped, ears twitching at the sound of Raven's voicemail. "Raven! You don't get to blow us off like this! We're supposed to be your friends, you don't sneak out on your friends in the middle of the night like a fucking thief!" He knew he sounded mean. After ten unreturned calls and an unmentionable amount of text messages, he didn't really care.
Starfire's eyebrows raised as she listened to the rant.
Nightwing shook his head, "Yelling at her isn't going to help." He couldn't deny his pleasure in his friend's distress.
Anger was certainly more favorable than apathy.
Changeling sighed deeply. "Call me back please," he added softly, throwing his phone to the table. "How are you so calm about this?"
Nightwing shrugged, happy his mask hid his eyes. "It makes sense. Titans East is down two members since Mas y Menos left. We have six people on the team, and Raven expressed interest in the East Coast." And escaping the harsh truth and pile of bad memories that lived with her on the West Coast.
"When the hell did she express in the East Coast?"
"It doesn't matter." Nightwing could have probably made up a random occasion Raven mentioned it and the changeling would have been none the wiser.
"She emptied her room-"
Starfire stopped stirring her sauce, placing the lid slowly on the pot. "Why did you enter Raven's room?"
"It's not her room anymore!" Changeling shouted, slamming his palms to the counter. "Her stuff is gone! No posters, no creepy statues, furniture covered in sheets- I don't understand why no one else thinks this is suspicious. Raven just ups and decides to move across country, and we're just sitting here like nothing's happened?"
"Well," Nightwing sighed. "I think we need to respect Raven's decision."
"Yea, well," Changeling grumbled cruelly, picking up his phone. "I think Raven needs to answer her damn phone." He angrily dialed her once more, holding the phone to his ear.
She owed him, them, an explanation.
Changeling didn't have a word to describe his relationship with Raven. In the beginning, he didn't consider them to be friends; but somewhere between the Beast and the end of the world, they evolved into something beyond teammates and friends.
He didn't have a for name it, but his emotions were clearer as he listened to the droning ring of the phone for what seemed to be the hundredth time.
Anger.
Frustration.
And, some uneasy feeling that twisted his stomach and made his chest tighten.
Her skin was still pink after she dried and dressed herself in a pair shorts and an oversized sleep shirt. The scalding shower helped to empty her mind and reset her senses.
Raven turned off the bathroom light, shaking out her wet hair as she walked back to her bed. She reached for her backpack. Digging in the front pouch, she pulled out a plastic bag filled with small plastic orange bottles and gave it a small jiggle.
An SSRI or two.
Something for panic attacks.
A sedative to be used as needed for insomnia.
A collective array of random vitamins and supplements.
With a heavy sigh, she plopped to her bed. She skipped her dose yesterday. Raven pulled out one of the SSRIs, reading the label carefully.
May cause drowsiness. Be careful when driving or operating heavy machinery.
Can cause blurry vision.
Take with food.
Read the medication guide that comes with this medicine.
Or not. The intermittent shame and unpleasant side effects on the bottle were enough. The long list of warnings and scary side effects were enough.
"So…" Roy's voice echoed through the room as he entered with a big brown bag of food and large styrofoam cup. His eyes went right to pill bottle in her hand and the long scar on her wrist. "I," He cleared his throat, casting his eyes to the side wall. "I, uh-"
Raven tucked her medication into the well of her lap. Her cheeks burned as she buried her hands in her lap turning her arms inward to hide her scars.
"I got you some chicken tenders to go with your fries." He commented, setting the bag on the small table. Roy slowly walked over to her.
"Thanks." She nodded, stiffly accepting the unsweetened tea. Her fingers curled around the styrofoam cup uncomfortably as she avoided his gaze.
Roy nodded. "No problem." Shuffling out of jacket, he walked over to the bathroom. "I'm gonna take a shower."
"Okay." Her body hunched over the pills in her lap.
He stood in the doorway, hands pressed to either side of the doorframe as he waited for her to move.
Why wouldn't he go away?
"Raven?" Roy called hesitantly.
She sighed slowly, still avoiding his eyes. "Yea."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of."
She slowly, turned to face his soft jasper eyes. Her body relaxed, back moving to rest against the headboard of her bed. Raven picked up the bottle in her lap, eyes falling to the long light pink scar trailing down her forearm. "I-"
"You don't owe me an explanation."
Her chest clenched, feeling helpless. "I'm fine," she told him with a sure nod.
"I know," he assured. "No judgement."
"I-" She started, words failing her. Nightwing was the only person who knew about her suicide attempt. She never had to say the words to anyone outside of the monochromatic walls of Iris's office.
"You don't owe me an explanation, and you don't have to ashamed," Roy told her softly. "We all have a cross to bear."
She smirked, "I didn't know you're religious." It was easier to joke with him.
"I'm not." His smirk was light and comforting as he disappeared into the bathroom. "I just have scars too."
Raven's teeth sunk into her bottom lip, swallowing the urge to talk to him.
To be Continued...