Set Me Free - Chapter 7

Rated: T

Cleanse

Chapter Summary: Ash slowly begins to move on after her break-up, from the competition, and from everything it entails…it goes a bit different than she ever expected.

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It'd been a rather uneventful few weeks following the collapse of the Moon Theater.

Ash had for all intents and purposes picked up the remainder of her life and pieced it back together as much as she knew how to. Placing the mismatched pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of her heart back into place; forcing some fragments to fit while having to super glue the others. The jagged shards not exactly fitting how she would have liked but it was all she could do for now.

Some days she admitted were easier than others even if it was quite brutal to still drag herself out of bed - or more or less the couch she'd been parked on since her first night alone that already felt like a lifetime ago. Other days she'd find herself smiling at a television program or whatnot but there were also the moments where the harsh reality of the turn her life took hit her like a runaway train and she cried til her eyes ached.

For now, she was taking it one day at a time.

Having her guitar back helped immensely - the music she wrote and her song still held true even after all of this. It made her feel stronger; more self-assured that indeed she'd get through this turmoil eventually. She'd continued to do what she loved; proceed to write songs even if she never got to perform them in front of anyone but the fact she had wrote it at all was good enough for her - at least for now.

After the first few days since Johnny recovered her guitar, she looked at her messy apartment with fresh eyes. Coming to the swift realization that she'd indeed groveled enough - sitting around like a sad sack wasn't helping anyone - least of all herself. The mess she made of the space was also really starting to bother her mild OCD that she'd pushed aside in favor of fully giving into her pain and misery. That plus her bills were not going to go away; her apartment was not going to pay the rent by itself and being sad and depressed was not going to fill her refrigerator. Picking the pieces of her shattered life up were not going to be easy in the least, so Ash decided to start small.

First: cleaning up the disaster zone she'd made of her apartment this past week.

Ash had tossed the remainder of Lance's still intact and tattered items; piling them unceremoniously into a few black trash bags until there was no further evidence of him littering her floor or her apartment. Typing up the plastic bag, she began heading to the trash can on her apartment property, her lips pursed until a better idea came to mind the second she was in front of it. Instead of just throwing them out, she'd taken them farther to her apartment's garbage compressor and smiled as she pressed the big red button and the bags crunched and flattened to a pancake under the pressure of its sharp metal teeth.

It was quite therapeutic and relieving to be rid of most of the reminders of Lance even if his scent remained in their sheets that she wasn't too keen on throwing away (they were rather expensive after all). Perhaps if his more personal items weren't here physically, it would make it much easier in the long run to simply move on past all of it. To push through her grief and anger at the whole situation life handed her however painful it was going to be…

Was it going to be easy? Hell no.

But was it doable? …Yes.

Once all of his items were gone, Ash pulled up her sleeves and started cleaning.

Vacuuming her living room and bedroom, washing her sheets, comforter, and even the bed-skirt to try and get rid of any trace of its other previous inhabitant, scrubbing her kitchen floor, throwing out old leftovers and all of Lance's fatty, overtly salty snacks she always hated cluttering her pantry. Cleaning out her fridge while keeping a growing list of the things she needed for the upcoming weeks and realizing once emptying it out, her fridge was left almost completely bare. Ash had no choice than to go to the store. Pushing aside her own desire to be a hermit forever, she took a shower and put on a fresh clothes before she grabbed her wallet; actually leaving the apartment for the first time in days.

Stepping outside alone was strange at first.

Only a small wagon she took whenever she'd go grocery shopping trailing with soft rolling of wheels behind her as she headed to the busy train station. Lost in her head the whole time; weaving in and out of crowds, faces passing, and shadows of individuals she didn't know surrounding, most towering over, her.

Ash couldn't further ignore the impending sensation of loneliness she experienced as she entered the train and grabbed onto the closest pole near her.

Perhaps she'd grown used to Lance's presence however annoying it may have been at times…but he was always there. Ash had grown accustomed to being in a relationship and always having someone constantly at her side even if he hardly paid much total attention to her. He was there to hold her hand whenever they exited buildings or went places all across town. A constant presence she went home to every night and woke up to every morning - and now she was completely alone. A much too big apartment that was now almost bare; more than half of the items that once cluttered it were now gone and it felt hopelessly barren almost…just like her heart…

The train came to a quick stop and Ash maneuvered through much larger animals, being sure to keep her quills lowered as flat as possible to not inadvertently hurt someone. Emerging from the train and finally back onto the sidewalk, Ash glanced up to figure out her direction before she headed toward the store location one more block down. Once she passed the threshold into the grocer, she lagged a bit as she went through the bright white aisles.

The many animals surrounding were having jovial conversations, the laughter of children and everyone just all around living their blissful, happy lives only brought home just how alone she felt now. A few aisles down and a few necessity items already piled in her small wagon, Ash stopped. Hand almost subconsciously reaching for Lance's favorite bag of potato chips; only pulling it back when she realized she didn't need to buy them anymore.

Ash backed away from the chip aisle with a sigh; a sense of renewal and strength coming over her as she grabbed the snacks she wanted for a change; a bag of lightly salted twisted pretzels, cheddar popcorn, and vanilla wafers. Never getting them because she knew funds were tight and it was all in an attempt to only buy his favorites; too keep him happy. Make sure he had his favorite foods stocking their cabinets, had enough money to fund his guitar equipment and collection of vinyl records, posters, and sheet music he bought over the years.

How all this time he never once said thank you as she tirelessly worked to provide it all for him. Worked her ass of to make sure there was food and their rent was paid at a reasonable time. For all these years, he never loved her…never cared for her at all… The selfishness he exhibited this whole time going over her head as she contented herself with his kiss or any slight hint of what could be treated as affection. They were never a couple for couples are supposed give and take and she was the only one doing the giving and Lance happily did all the taking…

Fighting back sudden tears, Ash quickly finished her grocery shopping. Paying, bagging, and finally running back to the train stop was where she lost it. Biting her lip and ignoring the strange, pitied looks she was getting standing there with the sternest face possible; waiting for the late bus with tears dripping in silent streams down her face. The shame filling her gut with all of the eyes trained on her but yet no one said a word or did anything even as she struggled to pull her wagon onto the train. A rare empty seat she took and sat; hands shaking as she wiped away the tears that didn't cease for a long time…

As her apartment came into view, Ash reminded herself that he needed to buy a pair of sunglasses…

It was exactly now a month since the theater fell to the ground when Ash decided she needed to find a job…and the sooner the better.

Money wasn't exactly scarce with her frugal ways and need to save money for a rainy day but staying home alone didn't suit her needs whatsoever for the probability of becoming a shut-in was not exactly an attractive or healthy perspective if she wanted to truly move on with her life. There were no items left of Lance's to destroy but the walls seemed hopelessly blank and herself hallow no matter how many new posters or dusty pictures of her family she'd hung up onto the tall white walls. There was a profound emptiness that made her apartment feel much too big and the air much too vast for her to stay for any considerable amount of time anymore.

Ash had to accept that she had to move on - put it all behind her and the first step was getting out of the house, get a job, and back on with her life.

Forgetting about Lance, the Moon Theater, and mostly all the promises and opportunities winning would have held for her. Perhaps even eventually all those people she met only a handful of times yet they made a lasting impact - she wasn't sure she wanted to forget that just yet. Rosita's motherly gentle touch Ash needed so soon after her break-up/breakdown, Gunter's quirky humor, Meena's shy demeanor and awkward smile, even Buster Moon who still believed in her when she hardly believed in herself.

…and Johnny…

A boy who embodied everything she never knew existed; a gentleness she wasn't sure she'd ever known before or would ever encounter again…the kindest warm brown eyes she'd ever seen suddenly filling her mind's eye. How in just the few meetings they had just how much of an impact he'd already had and frankly, she hated it…

Ash shook her head, pushing those thoughts aside for she knew seeing any of them again was next to none. She'd never met any of them before the auditions and practices afterward, why would now be any different? They may live in the same city but with its vast population, the odds of running into any of them were slim to none.

Letting go of any connotations and pain she might have been feeling at the very thought, Ash grabbed her guitar and left her apartment and out into the mid-day crowded streets.

Who knows how she found herself here on today of all days; whether it be fate or some higher power messing with her, in retrospect, Ash wasn't certain... Only obligation now was dragging her guitar with her as she went to various bars and cafes around town hoping some manager or owner would take pity on an essentially starving artist looking for some honest work.

Ash had luck before doing this sort of thing before - forced to sing crappy songs she wouldn't be caught dead singing elsewhere, but hell, it paid the bills (or rather one electric bill and maybe fast food afterward, but it was money). She'd rather much play and sing lame songs for bored, elderly diners or drunk bar patrons than work in retail or fast food like she had for the years her and Lance lived together. Now, that she was living alone, her bills seemed to be much less but the money she saved wouldn't last forever. Ever since the Moon Theater collapsed into nothing but a dusty pile, her career opportunities seemed slim so she did what she had to to perhaps try and get her foot in the door. No competition, no huge prize at the end - just going from gig to gig hoping she'd catch someone's ear.

It would have been better if the money Buster offered was still on the table. But after having her pity party the first few weeks, she knew she needed to let it go; to pick herself up from the ashes of that horrible memory.

Clinging to the hope that there was still a whole world out there and her dreams weren't completely dead in the water just yet. She could still be successful, but it was going to be a little more difficult.

But who knew?

Perhaps a record producer would be a regular at one of these bars or restaurants she planned to perform? Maybe they'd listen to her voice and mad guitar skills and want to sign her up? Launching her like a rocket into superstardom where she could rub it in Lance's stupid face once she scored countless record deals, television appearances, and performed at sold out stadiums all around the world…

"Yeah right…" she sighed under her breath as she turned yet another corner; the barest hints of a smirk tickling her lips as she continued on her journey.

Ash pushed the business card of the coffee shop owner into her pocket next to the others before heading to her next destination down the busy sidewalk. Within a block, her blue eyes fell upon a popular Jamaican food restaurant and bar - one she had played at multiple times before. She recalled the owners being super cool and welcoming - giving a big fat tip at the end of the night (and even a meal sometimes) if they believed you did a good enough job. They even seemed to like the hard rock/heavy metal genre which was a lot better experience than being booted out of 'The Tiki Lounge' by a massive polar bear who screamed, "You said you were musicians!"

Pushing out that sudden distasteful memory, Ash regained the slight bounce in her step as she squared her shoulders and approached the business. All of her hopes were crushed and her feet halted as soon as she got in earshot of the door; heart freezing cold in her chest upon hearing an all too familiar loud voice and guitar riff pouring out from the ajar glass.

It was one that she knew all too well and one she wished she could forget.

Before she had realized it, her face was pressed up against the glass; guitar case hitting the cement below with a loud clunk. Ash's icy blue eyes were wide as she stared inside and saw what she'd hoped to have never seen again…

There was Lance and Becky together atop the stage.

Flashbacks infiltrating her mind - this was a gig her and Lance had done together multiple times. Side-by-side singing one of his own songs or a popular one from one of his favorite bands or even the owners and patrons many requests (that typically never ended well). Lance made it his mission to be the lead singer and would constantly push her aside whenever she'd feel brave enough to crowd his space in front of his louder microphone (he'd always turn hers lower on purpose). Hence the reason she projected the way she did - voice strong and powerful in an attempt to be heard - not exactly sure what she was trying to prove.

As Ash stewed from outside; her feet frozen to the concrete - she reluctantly listened.

Lance sounded the same as ever even if Ash was quick to notice how his voice was more reserved for I guess he was not having to project in order to equal her output. During listening, Becky's vocalization hit her ears as well. Voice was almost muted and damn, was it weak and terrible; much too reminiscent of those washed-up pop stars who needed auto-tune to sound halfway acceptable. No power, no push, no intensity that stemmed from natural raw talent.

Becky possessed none of it.

Just the sound of jingling car keys or annoying bells. Enough to keep a child's attention but nothing else - it had no viable substance whatsoever.

The instrument Becky played fit her too.

Ash sneered at the tambourine clenched in the female porcupine's paws - her pretty, dainty hands with an expensive manicure and nice jewelry adorning her wrists. Hands lax as she tapped the tambourine lazily on her hip in rhythm (if you could call it that) with Lance's guitar. Instrument befitting of someone with no musical talent whatsoever - was the tambourine even considered an instrument?! If you could tap your fingertips on the table to the beat of a song, you could play a fucking tambourine!

It wasn't anything special!

Becky wasn't anything special!

Short skirt and conceited attitude leaching off her very being; a dime-store hussy with rich parents who showered her with expensive clothes and jewelry to make up for her horrible personality! Nothing more than a bimbo - an airhead who flirted and slept with guys all throughout high school just so they would do her homework for her lazy ass…

Becky was everything Ash despised all wrapped into one being.

The main thing that bothered her; the one thing that pained her and shook her to the very core was wondering just what the HELL did Lance see in her?!

It was as if she never knew Lance at all.

The boy who seemed to appreciate Ash's spunk and desire to be a rocker seemed attracted to her. Who looked beyond her quiet, loner demeanor and asked her out - she believed maybe he saw something in her no one else did. She handed her heart and soul to him on a silver platter and he just crushed it in his hands; the remains leaking from between his fingers like bloody sand. Who knew the guy she loved so much; one she did and gave up everything for would leave her for a girl who was known as being nothing more than an ditsy cheerleader or an easy lay? A no-talent hack who beat on a tambourine, sang God-awful songs dared to call herself an actual musician…?

Somehow Becky deserved a spot next to his suppose "musical genius" when she barely deserved to have her own microphone?!

Ash stood there for what seemed like years.

Hands shaking like a leaf as she pressed them to the glass; fists itching to beat at the glass. To let Lance and Becky know she was there - to scream, kick, punch, bite her cheating ex before shattering Lance's guitar on the wooden floor like her own heart had been. Anger she never experienced filling her chest as she stared a Becky standing in the spot she'd been for five years; next to a boy she'd given her heart and soul to for so damn long.

Without her knowledge, Ash's fists raised and she was oh so tempted to slam it down; knock down the door and raise utter hell but something inside her didn't allow it. Refusing to allow her baser instincts to control her more logical side, Ash felt her hands fall. The fight inside her vanquished as quickly as it came.

Ash turned away. A fierce burning in the back of her eyes but she was hellbent and downright determined not to waste anymore tears on the stupid son of a bitch who broke her heart and trust. Who threw her away like she meant absolutely nothing…

Lance wasn't worth it.

No one was…

Silently, Ash picked up her guitar, morosely dusting it off and she wanted desperately to look inside the restaurant one last time but he wasn't even worth another glance.

With nowhere else left to turn, Ash began her trek back home.

Walking away with heavy feet and an even heavier heart, she continued down the sidewalk. Her optimism and desire to find employment was suddenly drained from her; depression she'd been fighting against for weeks suddenly reared it's ugly head again. Eyes straying to her feet as she walked - the strong urge to run hit her hard. To seek shelter at the only place she could truly be alone with her thoughts anymore. A refuge and prison of sorts trapped inside the white walls of her apartment. As much as she hated it…it felt like an escape she so desperately needed now.

Ash, ignoring the burning in her eyes and her blurring vision (which was really stupid in retrospect), began to run. Only making it one and a half blocks before she suddenly reared back. Eyes closing when she slammed nose first into a firm wall of cloth and muscle and bone - damn, it felt like a brick wall. The force was so great she had no choice to fall back with the kinetic energy and gravity that was against her (the whole world felt against her now).

Unceremoniously falling hard onto her ass with a muted whoosh of her skirt, guitar case landing with a clunk somewhere to her right and she immediately grabbed her nose in fear it would be bleeding. Once relieved she indeed was not spurting blood, her firmly shut eyes began burning up from the sudden pain. Ash groaned a bit, rubbing at her eyes when she was heard something she did not expect…

"I'm so sorry!" the male voice was panicked; a tone she was certain she'd heard before. It was a familiar British-accented voice; sounding painfully familiar; someone she thought she'd never hear again. She ignored it thinking she just hurt her head or thinking more logically because sometimes people just sound alike and have different accents; all those hopeful thoughts fell to the wayside when he continued.

"I couldn't see very well with these blasted bags! Are you o...Ash?!"

The only thing she heard past the roaring in her ears at that moment was crinkled paper bags hitting the ground and the sensation of an unbelievably gentle touch of a familiar hand upon her shoulder.