Set Me Free - Chapter 9
Rated: T
Rekindle
Chapter Summary: Ash reluctantly finds more than one reason to let her past go and embrace a brighter future…
Since I am actually going to be vacationing in Las Vegas I won't be uploading for about two weeks since I won't be back til next weekend. I hope this will tide you over til then. ;-p
Thanks again for your constant support! Hope you enjoy. :-)
The next few days passed in relative silence; Ash's mind a torrent of faltering emotions and a torrential downpour of thoughts she had to live with on a daily basis even if her life outside her head was sadly more boring than a lazy snail's. Days consisting of eating, sleeping, watching mindless television, throwing fits a toddler would be proud of, and pounding the pavement in hopes of finding a job. Yet as hard as she tried, Ash's multiple attempts at getting employment; even being able to book a single gig, were fruitless at best.
It wasn't as if the managers and owners of these establishments didn't give her a shot - they did.
A coffee shop, a few restaurants, and even a sleazy bar had given her a chance when all their regular patrons were absent or they had yet to open for the day. Accepted her offer with a smile, allowed her to hook up her equipment on their stage (sometimes make-shift at times but she handled it well enough) and perform for them in hopes they'd actually like it enough to hire her.
Ash did her best - she really did.
Voice strong, powerful, and admittedly, a bit too forceful like she always craved when she sang by Lance's side. Her microphone now turned all the way up and she projected like she always wanted to. Sure, she could have done things differently; such as choosing to perform with her and Lance's old set of music mainly because it was one she could execute in her sleep. Ash had not the time or energy to put into a whole new set with music and figuring that out especially when in a tight time crunch but she thought she tweaked it well enough it could pass as her own. Yeah, the lyrics didn't work out exactly right since she was singing for two people and couldn't carry out the duet as well as she would have liked - but she did her best. ...Yet not everyone felt the same; in fact, everyone who heard it were less than enthusiastic almost as soon as she started and only got worse when she was done.
…if they let her finish at all…
The look on their faces were what bothered Ash the most. Pitied almost. As if they'd pat her on the back and say "Well, ya tried, kid" before kindly escorting/kicking her off the premises.
It all felt way too familiar and Ash despised it…
Loathed the sympathetic looks and making her feel completely pathetic - she was a hard-core rocker dammit - looks of pity and sympathy were not what she wanted from anyone, let alone employers!
While walking away from yet another gig she failed to book, Ash's pace was more or less defeated. She'd went everywhere these past few days and sang what always got her at least a couple of gigs before. Yeah, Lance wasn't there anymore, but wasn't she supposed to be past that already? He was the one holding her back…wasn't he?
…she dared not think about the connotations if it was the other way around…
Ash swallowed back a lump that clogged her throat as she pushed herself to the train stop. Whilst waiting for it to show up, she thought back on these past few days. The looks on their faces now permanently ingrained into her mind and showcased whenever she was forced to blink. A slight furrow to their brows and lips pursed as if they wanted to say something but decided against it. Instead they sugar-coated their words with such things as:
"Y-You did well, i-it's just not the kind of music we want for our establishment." - said the owner of their sleazy bar with half of his other employees being bikini clad (sometimes even topless) animals. Their other wanted sign advertised for more female "dancers" - he didn't bring it up and Ash didn't know whether to be unbelievably grateful or kinda insulted…
"Um…that was…something. …I-I'll call you." - the coffee shop people never did.
"...We're kinda looking for something more along the lines of 'smooth jazz'." said a manager of a Hard Rock Cafe. The least they could have done was come up with a somewhat convincing lie.
"You call that music? Damn, what is it with this new generation and their god-awful music? …What are you still doing here?! Git out!" - said a grouchy old turtle who owned a expensive Tapas restaurant; Ash at least appreciated his honesty. Much preferred that than their lame excuses, fake smiles, and truth hidden behind kind words that really didn't mean anything. It was just a feeble attempt at trying to save face.
Mind flitting to her past for a second; how much easier things seemed just a few months ago…Then it was that competition that seemed to turn her life up on its head; showed Lance for who he truly was and destroyed a growing hope she had come to depend on. A future, a career, and a better life.
…but that all turned out to be a lie too…
When the train arrived, Ash quickly got on, grabbed an empty seat and desperately hoped tomorrow would be better…
Another two days came and went.
Just like last time, she was given more fake smiles or cheap excuses; even more flat-out "No's". Promises of being called back went unfulfilled and Ash felt more hopeless as the days trickled by at an incredibly slow, almost unbearable pace. Growing more numb to their words and false promises as the days slipped by like sand through the gaps in-between her fingers.
Needless to say, she was not feeling her best when she finally made it back home to her apartment later that night after yet another long day of pounding the pavement. Hoping against hope the next person to hear her would like it enough for their establishment.
Ash had no such luck.
Feet and fingers aching something fierce; throat a bit raw from all the sets she had to perform for absolutely nothing in return, she slammed the door behind her. After dropping her guitar case and kicking off her shoes by the front door, she plopped onto her couch and just stared at the ceiling; fine cracks, smudges, and a bit of peeling white paint staring back at her.
Perhaps throwing Lance's record collection at the ceiling fan was not her brightest idea…
Ash suddenly groaned, rolling over and burying her face into a freshly washed pillow that thankfully was finally rid of Lance's scent after three washes and half a container of extra odor-eating detergent. She really didn't know what to do now. Certainly, she'd asked almost everyone in town about performing for their business but yet no one cared to call her back or offer her a gig. Almost the same answer at all of them; a back-handed "NO" that was hidden behind their means of trying to distract her with fake smiles and cheap excuses. There was really nothing left for her to do. Ash loathed the fact that when she was performing with Lance they got gigs occasionally and rather quickly; sure they never could become full-time because Lance refused to change up his set but they were semi-working musicians nonetheless.
Other than those few times, they never had too much trouble booking about once a week; sometimes even more if they were lucky. Ash hated to admit it, but Lance had a way of schmoozing people; a way of conversing and speaking with pretty much anyone. He was charming and had a way of convincing people hire him even if his music was never quite their taste.
Lance had the one thing she didn't - an outgoing personality - a laid-back charm that so many people warmed up to almost instantly even if his words were a two edged sword at times.
Ash was always quieter, kept to herself, and never felt too comfortable walking up to a stranger and having a conversation - it just wasn't in her.
In all actuality, she felt pretty good about herself as of late. More confident and outgoing; pushing herself out of her shell a bit by going to all these establishments and being able to ask them to give her a chance. Proudly performed her set without hesitation. She'd excelled past those boundaries even without Lance or anyone else by her side and for that…she felt proud.
Fruitless as it was in getting her a job, at least it was something.
Yet that pride quickly flicked away like a soft summer breeze. She still didn't have a job and the money she had saved was in no way going to last forever. Rent was expensive and bills weren't just going to go away anytime soon. A job was needed and if she couldn't even book a single gig (which paid barely anything regardless) than how the hell was she going to make ends meet this way?
Oh, that's right -
…she wasn't…
Ash picked her face up from the pillow and pulled her phone out. Staring at the dimly lit screen in her darkened apartment (electricity was so damn expensive to keep too many lights on anymore) and hesitated before going to the internet browser and searching for local job openings. Her stomach plummeted as she kept reading the listings; while multiple of them filled her with dread as she continued down the list.
Most of the interesting jobs listed were adamant about requiring college degrees to even be considered for the position and while she graduated high school (or rather her GED), she was never able to afford college on her own while also supporting her boyfriend and their lifestyle. As much as Ash had wanted to go to college, Lance always told her it was a waste of time. Her mother didn't want to hear it or her desires to be a singer/musician; she instead wanted Ash to go to work for her real estate business instead (Ash preferred death). The last option, her father, only opted to pay for it if she broke up with Lance to focus completely on her studies.
Being the young, naive teen she was (one who was certain she was hopelessly in love at the time) stupidly refused her father's offer…
It was only now she wished she listened to her dad. As she stood now, Ash desperately wanted to bitch-slap her younger self for believing her father didn't have her best intentions at heart…Wishing she broke up with Lance, went to college and who knew where she could have been in her life at this point?!
Shaking her head to rid herself of a past she could not change, Ash continued looking.
There were plenty of retail and food service gigs open that didn't require college but the thought of going back to those establishments made her skin crawl. She'd worked at them for years trying to support her and her ex and she sure as hell didn't feel all up to doing it all over again. Recalling the rude customers and hellish closing shifts she was forced to work - long and arduous hours for minimum wage and zero respect.
…but as she continued, she began to wonder if she even had a choice…
Without a college degree and no experience doing much else but grunt work at these establishments, she had little options open.
Ash stared at a few more options and her stomach sunk as she made it to the musician/artist section and every single establishment she already went to was now staring back at her.
Every.
Single.
One.
She had gone to all of them and was systematically rejected; pushed aside and basically told she wasn't good enough to perform there. Yet, another part of her clenched when she re-scanned the list and noticed many her and Lance had performed at before…the only difference this time around was now it was just her.
…and they rejected her…
Ash sat back up on the couch, her chest heaving and heart slamming against her rib-cage; valiantly and desperately keeping her tears at bay, She DARED not cry again. The faces of all those who refused to hire her flitting about her mind; their dissatisfied expressions and awkward excuses plaguing her thoughts.
In a pathetic attempt to weed them out, her mind (for some strange reason) wandered to Buster Moon.
Perhaps the only one that saw something in her that these managers and owners of all these various establishments never saw in Lance. Buster looked past him during their performance; focusing on her; witnessing her abilities even as she fought to be heard over Lance's loud speakers a microphone; a hidden potential that no one else did before…but Buster did. Even with Lance there, he heard her voice and it was enough for him to reject Lance and choose her…
Yeah, he lied about the money…but what if he didn't lie about anything else like she wanted to believe?
Ash thought about those days they practiced at the theater. A half-smile formed at the memory of him trying to coerce her to sing "Call Me Maybe" - sure he didn't understand teenagers whatsoever but his intentions seemed so pure at the time. Remembering when he heard her perform a bit of her own song while she was locked in her own practice room backstage. Silently, he walked in and was genuinely astonished that she'd written it herself; wasn't shy to praise her abilities.
Very few had done that before…
Buster choosing her over almost a whole roomful of animals - save a handful or two. Out of all the varying voices (some so astonishing and amazing) were rejected, but hers wasn't. To think Buster choosing her over Lance was what finally revealed to her the exact person Lance was; what truly laid in his unfeeling, selfish heart. That he wasn't happy for her getting to the next round whatsoever; instead he decided to showcase his selfishness with backhanded comments that went over her head for so many years before. Telling her Buster was crazy, that she should just give up even as she desperately tried to encourage him that she was doing it for both of them.
…lying to her face when he flat out said that she could never write a song…
It was Buster Moon that made her see Lance for who he truly was. His haphazard and random practice hours the only reason Ash caught Lance cheating on her at all. To think how many times he had another woman in their apartment…it made her sick… Ash bit her lip; refusing to let any tears fall at the very thought of how many times he must have been cheating on her throughout the years. Right under her nose and lying to her face about it; all his "gigs" and "late-night practices" all going over her head.
All the lies she believed for far too long.
To think if she never went for Buster's offer; if she believed Lance and never showed up to practice how different it all may have turned out. Ash would have never known about his cheating ways and would have been stuck in a loveless relationship for probably the rest of her life. Never knowing what a true asshole she'd been with this whole time.
If there was anything she wanted to thank Buster for…that was it.
A sigh leeching its way from between her lips, Ash stared out over the expanse of her apartment; the only light coming from the full moon peering in through her living room windows. So many questions and not enough answers; what if's plaguing her thoughts and just what the hell was she supposed to do?
There was absolutely nowhere to turn anymore.
Fingers freezing over her phone before she pressed the home button; seeing all the notifications of texts, e-mails, and voicemails she never bothered to see or listen to staring back at her. Ash went through her phone and saw Johnny's number. Recalling the conversation they had almost a whole week ago - about going to see Buster and convincing him to try again.
Apart of Ash let out a breath, an almost laugh at the sheer absurdity staining her lips but she stopped short. Seemingly helpless now lost in a world she was still trying to figure out; a career that didn't seem to want to leave the ground. For those few moments, she allowed herself to think of how good it felt to audition - to be chosen, and mostly, to write her own song. Using her own voice to speak out against what her ex had done to her…
"...because you love to sing. Isn't that the whole reason you joined the competition?" Johnny's voice echoed through her mind.
A question and comment she basically laughed off because of his seemingly never-ending supply of optimism, life of sunshine and rainbows, and "look at the bright side" mentality that had been plaguing her since she met him.
But the longer she thought about it - she'd always loved to sing. Ever since she was a little girl with her hideously pink "Princess"microphone and karaoke machine she begged her dad for when she was only five. Back there in happier, easier times when pitch, range, vibrato or tempo changes meant nothing - she just sang. Not caring if she was staying on perfect pitch or learning to learn the range of her voice. It was this joy she felt every time she opened her mouth and belted out a song she heard on one of those cheesy animated movies.
…being on Buster's stage somehow brought that back if only for a moment. Almost the same feeling when she practiced her song over and over in the quiet loneliness of her living room…
…she did love to sing…
Ash's face fell when Johnny's words suddenly made more sense; what was that reasoning she joined? Not Lance, not them as a group - her? Was it to relive those moments of fleeting childhood that went way too fast or to become a superstar for the notoriety of fame and fortune? Perhaps she could willingly admit that it was a little bit of both. Ash wanted to be a singer; always had…
Icy blue eyes gravitating to her guitar case by the door she knew that she always would.
Regardless if she made it big or even made it a living - she would always want to sing, want to play her guitar. Whether it was for herself or a stadium full of people - as long as she got to sing, what the hell did it matter?
"What do we have to lose?" Johnny's voice reappeared in her head and Ash barely had the time to ask herself what the hell she was doing before her fingers moved over the device and she pressed Johnny's name and hit the small green telephone icon.
It began ringing immediately and before she even had time to rethink her decision or consider hanging up, Johnny answered.
"'ello? Ash?" he asked not even bothering to hide the outright confusion in his thickly-accented voice; Ash hated how her stomach somersaulted at hearing his kind tone. It'd been far too long since she heard genuine kindness and damn, she hated how good it felt to hear.
"…Ash? Are you there?"
"Yeah. I'm here." she muttered out; hating how sudden tears burned the back of her eyes and hoped to God it didn't leach out through her voice. Just what the hell was wrong with her?
"Oh…um…you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"That's good to hear." Johnny spoke and she could practically see his soft smile over the other line.
"Yeah...Good…" she muttered, her fingers nervously tangling in her skirt.
'Spectacular conversing skills you have there, Ash…' she chided herself with a shake of her head. Pushing through her own doubts and before she could second-guess on what she was about to say, she just blurted it out.
"Listen. Johnny…?"
"Yes?" he asked.
"...Count me in."