Set Me Free - Chapter 13
Rated: T
Disclosure - Part 2
Chapter Summary: …and perhaps Johnny learns more about Ash in the process…
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It took all of three seconds for Ash to realize what she had done.
Blind panic setting in, Ash abruptly yanked herself back and away from Johnny. Frantically scooting across the cement where her skirt and leggings caught on the bumpy, rough asphalt beneath her rump; probably loosening a few seams in the process. All the while, Ash silently began cursing her brief lapse in judgment and abnormal actions; eyes widened and staring at Johnny, who had the same surprised expression she was undoubtedly wearing right now.
Just where the hell had that come from?!
Ash sat in stunned silence, chest heaving with frantic breaths and confusion as to what had gotten into her in first place. It was as if for those few brief seconds, she wasn't even in complete control of her body; rather allowing her pent up frustrations and emotions cater to her physical movements. Sure, his story was downright heart-breaking and tragic; the situation with his father's coldness toward Johnny bothered her immensely considering how he didn't allow it to get him down… but outright hugging him?!
Seriously?
Her?! - the very embodiment/poster child of the prickly porcupine - the who never bothered to hug anyone let alone a guy she barely knew?!
Ash stared wide-eyed at him for quite some time; taking notice of his elevated right arm that appeared to attempt to curl around her as if to perhaps return the hug - or at least that's what it looked like. She watched as he gingerly lowered it back to his side while wearing a rather embarrassed expression. If only he knew the amount of embarrassment she was feeling at this moment would overwhelm whatever his was.
Hell, even Johnny was staring back at her as if she'd grown two heads - probably questioning as to what she was going to say or do next that was completely out of character for the rebellious rocker.
Ash wasn't even certain of what she would do anymore.
"I-I'm sorry…" she finally gasped out like a fish out of water, "I really didn't mean to do that…I swear I di- " hands up in an almost surrender as she spoke.
"It's okay!" Johnny was quick to speak out and interrupt whatever the hell she was attempting to apologize for. "I-It's fine…" Johnny's gaze fell from hers for a second; appearing almost…disappointed? …what that meant she didn't care to ponder long so she dutifully ignored it.
Instead, Ash yanked her eyes away from that kind chestnut gaze; icy eyes refusing to acknowledge Johnny's questioning stare and questions he undoubtedly had about her strange behavior.
Feeling more than anxious, Ash stood to her feet. Not caring to notice how Johnny glanced over at her as she paced a few steps away and back again; her eyes frozen to her feet and the cement she treaded over. In these long, terse moments, all Ash could frustratingly think about was that brief hug.
Three measly seconds of her small fingers digging into the soft, worn leather jacket that easily creased under her touch. Face buried into his green jumper; the fabric pressing gingerly on her cheek as she squeezed him as hard as her tiny arms allotted. Even the small nuances of his scent still permeated her nostrils, warm, woodsy and strangely comforting… a glimpse of his heat pressed against her cheek and within those short moments, she found herself filled with contradiction. In that strange and out of character (for her anyway) moment, she wanted to apologize for her own behavior to him thus far; to offer to help regarding his situation even if it seemed out of the range of possibility…yet it didn't matter for the words simply wouldn't come. Ash didn't trust herself to speak; preferring to hide her face in his firm chest rather than facing his questions and trusting eyes.
Then it all came to a sudden halt when she had come to realize what she'd done.
Hugging him out of virtually nowhere like some kind of demented, needy individual. For being so cold to him thus far and for her to go out and embrace him for no other reason than she felt sorry for his situation and circumstance. How he held such unimaginable pain behind that kind smile and sweet demeanor and how genuine it was. It was as if her body did it of its own accord; that the walls she steadily built up around her heart shattered for merely a second. The side of her that wanted to keep the gorilla (and everyone else for that matter) at an arm's length seemingly didn't matter anymore…
Ash was more terrified than she could ever imagine being at that revelation. Could scarcely recall a moment when she allowed her emotions to control her like that…because that's all this was…wasn't it?
"I'm sorry." Ash spoke out as if to quell these rampant thoughts; to change the subject and hopefully quell this nausea boiling in her gut. "Ya know…about your dad."
If Johnny was surprised by the change in conversation, he didn't say anything. Spared her a simple glance over at her standing form and gave her back a small, non-reciprocated smile before replying.
"...Oh. Uh - thanks…" his voice a mere whisper when he finished.
"Yeah..." Ash kicked lightly at the scattered pebbles near her feet; doing anything to possible keep her mind occupied. Ash was lost in her own head for a moment when she heard him sniffle a bit; he tried to hide but she heard anyway. Accepting of her fate, she watched in barely withheld sadness as he wiped his wet eyes. Guilt and actual emotion were things she wasn't prepared to confront. She didn't know Johnny existed just over a month ago and it shocked her how much it truly saddened her to see him cry.
Ash hated it…
"I-I'm sure it'll work out." Ash shrugged; still finding it rather difficult to meet his eyes.
Johnny's questioning stare asked her what she meant without him having to say a word.
"...You know, you're a good singer." small shoulders shrugged while admitting it, "I-I bet if you wanted, you can earn money around town doing that. That way you're semi-living the dream and earning money for your dad's lawyer. Maybe then, he'll take your dream more seriously." Ash suggested; inwardly cringing at her own advice - she should be the last one giving advice about parental relationships when her own was in tatters.
"Thanks… M-Maybe that'll work." Johnny seemed to appreciate the compliment but when she mentioned his father, she saw the flash of emotion in his expressive eyes.
It was a good few moments before Johnny spoke again.
"Listen…" Johnny swallowed before continuing, "I'm sorry to drag you into this. It was my problem - I should have kept it to myself…"
"No." Ash spoke almost too suddenly.
"..." Johnny's brow ridges creased; his eyes slipping to hers with a questioning gaze.
"I was the one who asked - you just answered and for whatever the hell it's worth…I'm kinda glad you did. Really looked like you needed to get it off your chest…Helps to talk about it sometimes…" Ash shrugged, tempted to sit down next to him but held back, worried she'd do something crazy like hug him again.
"Thanks." Johnny muttered, running the back of his hand across his face.
"...Wait - what? You're thanking me? Heh. What for?" Ash chuckled louder than intended.
Legitimately confused as to what Johnny could possibly thank her for. In actuality, she was the one who should have been thanking him for everything he'd done for her in the short month they'd known each other. From giving her a ride to the moment he saved her life by blocking her with his own body from potentially fatal debris during the theater collapse.
"Listening…I-I never told anyone about this part of my life. You're actually the first." Johnny shrugged and Ash noticed a soft flush scattered about his cheekbones; Ash hating how her stomach twisted at the sight of it.
"...why me?"
"I dunno. You're just easy to talk to I s'ppose." Johnny replied and Ash really didn't believe it. Her whole life, she'd been the animal hardly anyone wanted to associate with given her actual spikes covering her head and back, dark clothing, resting bitch face, and rather prickly personality (pun not intended).
…and for Johnny to think she was approachable? It would be laughable had he not said it so genuinely.
"Are you shitting me?" she asked and Johnny's eyes widened at her sudden curse.
"W-What?"
"I mean, you've gotta be joking!"
"What do you mean?"
"Aw, come on. I'm not exactly an approachable animal by any stretch of the imagination."
"...why would you say that?"
"Aw, come on. I'm moody, literally covered in spikes, and I haven't been exactly nice to you since we've met." Ash felt as if she was rehashing a line. Recalling all of Lance's less than kind words to her over the years. Telling her to back off while he scored the gigs because she came off as unlikable or unapproachable; even downright rude. Ash recalled arguing with him about that saying he acted much of the same way but he excused himself saying he did it as a laid-back charm while she didn't possess that…
"It doesn't seem that way to me. You may have been a bit standoffish but that's to be expected between strangers. But since I've gotten to know you a bit more, I'd say you're a very nice person, Ash. If you weren't, you wouldn't have cried for me after hearing 'bout my dad..."
Ash froze for a moment under his intense gaze. It was as if she just felt the wetness gathered on her lashes and cheeks. Nearly slapping herself for not even bothering to wipe her face on her sleeve! For a second, she did just that before turning to him and clinging to anger before replying.
"It's been a long month, alright?" she defended her actions, hating to seem weak by crying. "And we just turned down by Buster and any hope of a career is kaput so tears were bound to happen eventually. You just caught me at the right time is all." she excused her behavior nervously and Johnny just smiled.
"...Regardless, I think you're very kind, Ash."
"Heh. If you say so." Ash muttered, eyes rolling a bit. Eventually straying from him as she lost herself to her thoughts.
The quietness that flooded the air this time around seemed a lot more calm. Not as tense and unsettling at it had been before they started this strange, albeit it rather…interesting conversation.
"Perhaps we should be going." Johnny's gentle voice barely disturbed the relaxing silence. Ash peered over at him to where he brushed his sleeve back to take a quick glance at his watch.
"Yeah..." Ash agreed but neither made a move to the truck. Didn't even attempt an inch toward the vehicle; neither vacating the spot they resided; both filled with trepidation on heading back even if it was only now someone opened up about it.
"It's-It's weird going back to an empty house." Johnny sighed, his statement didn't match the statement before so it felt as if it was thought out loud.
…Ash froze for a second, the familiarity with that statement hit her and she realized that perhaps her and Johnny had more in common than she thought.
"Yeah...Couldn't agree more.." Ash said before she even was aware the words left.
Eyes straying toward Johnny when he suddenly moved. The gorilla looking over at her as if something just dawned on him.
"Oh! T-That's right. Your boyfriend, right?" Johnny muttered out and a strange emotion flicked through his eyes but Ash didn't quite catch it.
"EX-boyfriend." Ash was sure to correct with a grunt; sudden anger at this whole damn situation rearing its ugly head. "…and yeah, I kicked his ass out."
"I'm sorry - that must have been hard. H-He um, was the porcupine that was with you at audition, right?"
"Yeah. That's him." Ash growled out.
"...ya mean the one that kept trying to convince you to not come back?" Johnny asked, voice grumbling the words and Ash's eyes widened and she stared over at him. Johnny flinched back at her imposing stare and questioning gaze; falling back on himself as if he didn't intend to say those words by how he was reacting.
Ash's brows furrowed, recalling that tense moment after she was accepted and Lance denied.
Lance's mutter of "…What?" as if it was the most shocking thing he'd ever heard.
Ash was more or less in shock, and if she could recall correctly, she said the exact same thing.
Questioning if she heard right and Buster had indeed wanted her and not Lance. Anger rising in her at Buster for not choosing both of them was short lived when Lance started to get really angry. Acting so damn insulted at the fact she was chosen over him; yanking her out of there by telling her it wasn't worth it. The fine cracks that had been growing over the course of their relationship were spreading like wildfire; this fine veneer slowly shattering when she came to realize Lance was not happy for her. Was willing for her to throw away such an amazing opportunity in the trash simply because he was not chosen. Called her a sell-out later on to discourage her from going…
Ash initially allowed him to pull her out of there; agreeing with Lance verbally but staring back at Buster; sheer astonishment that perhaps…he saw something in her no one else did before….
Not even her…
To think back and realize that moment had played out in front of Johnny and a room full of strangers.
Ash finally faced Johnny; her arms crossing as she stared at his profile, "Wait...You saw that?" she muttered out as almost an afterthought.
"...It was kind of hard not to notice." Johnny answered, face turned away from her and rather far off to his right.
Ash really wasn't sure how to respond; uncertain as to what, if anything, that meant.
"...if you don't mind me asking - what exactly happened between you two?" Johnny's voice cut through the terse silence and although it was prying and not something she was particularly happy with discussing with Johnny; Ash supposed he deserved an answer. The guy bared his soul to her so what was wrong with answering this rather easy question?
"Heh. Other than him being an obsessive control-freak and dickishly cheating on me after five years together? Eh - not much to tell." Ash shrugged, her eyes straying from Johnny and off to the distance before she could elaborate further.
"We dated for almost two years before moving in together. Three years and many failed gigs later, we auditioned for Moon's show. You know how that went. Anyway, he tried to coerce me into giving it up but I didn't want to. So, going against his wishes, I decided to do something for us - to win the competition and open a studio. Yet, one night after auditions, I came home…where I found him with some chick we knew back in high school." Ash swallowed thickly, that night painfully flashing in her head yet she continued.
"Long story short, he basically threw away our entire relationship because he was fucking petty that he didn't get chosen and deciding to take it out on me by finding someone else…So, I threw his ass out." Ash muttered out; hating how her relationship with Lance could be fit into a few painful sentences and feel somewhat complete.
It said a lot about how stupid all of it was…
"..." Johnny was completely silent. So much so Ash peered up at him and seen a look of anger she didn't expect; it had her stomach fluttering for reasons she didn't care to ponder.
"Well, that's about it..." she book-ended it; eyes slipping to the ground.
"So, let me get this straight - y-you're a wonderful singer and guitarist who deserved to get chosen and he was bloody upset that you're better than him? It should have been fairly obvious." Ash's eyes widened a bit at the compliment; hardly recalling the last person to ever blatantly tell her she was a formidable singer and outright better than Lance. She supposed she had just gotten used to Lance's demands of her to keep it down to even be confident in her own voice.
"I just don't get it...How could he do that to ya?" Johnny asked a moment later; barely even bothered hiding the obvious anger in his British voice. She could tell he probably wanted to speak further but kept silent to allow her time to answer.
Ash shrugged, "…I wish I knew…" hating how her voice broke near the end as familiar pain welled up deep inside of her.
"I mean, ya said you dated him for five years - and he cheats on you just because of that?! If he was your boyfriend and cared for you, he should 'ave been happy for ya! Supported you one hundred percent not go out to find someone else! Who does that!?" Johnny muttered out and Ash flinched a bit at how ridiculous she felt in this.
How stupid and blind she felt now when during her relationship with Lance is was so obvious because when Johnny spoke of being happy for her and supporting her…Lance was never any of that.
"The warning signs were there all along. I just ignored them I guess; just a naive girl who really thought he loved me." Ash shrugged it off, "Hindsight is 2020 after all…" she could have, should have said more but she didn't in fear of losing it. The pain was still so fresh and she feared that the slightest nick could start that scab bleeding all over again.
It was a few moments before Johnny spoke up, "'m sorry you had to go through that, Ash. Must make it hard to trust anyone - especially if someone you thought you knew for five years could do that to ya."
Ash furrowed her brows at that statement, sparing a glance over at him to where he was looking out over the beautiful scenery in front of them.
"All that time I was with him, he made it his mission to put me down while at the same time making it seem like he gave a crap. He never did. Kept telling me to pipe down and any fame I got was because of him - so many gigs he played where no producers called him - he claimed it was because I was holding him back. Ugh…" Ash muttered out, surprised at her lack of filter at this moment but she didn't care.
It felt as if her entire career was already grumbled and blowing around in the wind anyway, so what the hell did it matter if Johnny knew any of this? It felt almost like a release button much like with Rosita; except instead of crying like a sad-sack, she was more frustrated and pissed than anything. It was a nice change.
"I think he was the one holding you back." Johnny's words were soft, accent thicker than usual as he spoke them.
If Ash was surprised at that statement, she didn't allow it to show. Mind flitting about to Lance's harsh words over the years; pushing her to the background as if she was just lucky to be there in the presence of his "musical genius". That if they made it anywhere, it was because of his talent and not her own…
It went on for so long that she began to believe it. Yet Buster saw through Lance's act; saw straight through the bullshit to see something she believed even Lance acknowledged and feared…
Ash didn't need him.
All Lance did was control her and control her damn well but she never needed him to succeed. Hell, it appeared even Johnny saw through the facade she was so certain about for all those years.
Damn, did she feel stupid…
"...Yeah. I know." Ash muttered out instead. Not trusting herself to say much more to elaborate but appreciating his words nonetheless. "I'm much better off without him even if none of this worked out in the end - at least if I do make anything of myself-"
"You will." Johnny spoke with more assurance than she felt about anything at this moment. For a split second she met his eyes and knew immediately that perhaps Johnny was right.
"...I'll do it on my own." she finished her thought and Johnny smiled at her.
For a few more moments, silence was allowed to reign. A comfortable, relaxing time. Just the two of them listening to the sounds of nature and soft wind flitting about; calmness and gentle ease of each others presence comforting even if neither would admit it.
"I-I'm glad the cheating asshole is gone but it's still weird being alone. I never lived alone before and it's just an adjustment."Ash brought it back to the whole thing that started this conversation. She hated to admit she felt lonely in that empty apartment. Even if Lance was a cheater and deserved no sympathy or redemption, Ash admitted she'd gotten used to at least having someone there when she went home. Not just white walls and humming electricity and the droning of the television to fill the deafening silence.
"...Yeah…It is." Johnny agreed with a shrug, "You're just used to being greeted going home - now it's just quiet."
"Not in the good way either."
"Heh. Yeah."
There was a shift in that moment.
A familiarity neither had felt in quite some time. Almost a comfort to have someone to talk to. So much so, Ash allowed herself to sit next to him again; realizing the hug was most likely a one time thing and she didn't plan a repeat performance.
Ash sat there - not necessarily thinking about anything right now. Just allotting the sounds and scenes of nature to overtake her senses - to breathe in the cool air and warm sun still glistening down on her fur. She had to admit - Eddie and Buster had quite the view up here. Much better than crowded streets and cars honking all hours of the day and night; there was no peace out her window - but here…
"Well…shall we?" Johnny suddenly asked whilst standing to his feet, "I think my bum fell asleep."
"Heh. Mine too." she chuckled and froze when Johnny suddenly offered his hand.
Ash just stared up for him for a moment - the weight in her chest feeling lighter even if the circumstances didn't change one bit. Whataya know? Talking about it had helped and she felt…closer to this guy somehow. If she liked that feeling or not - she couldn't tell you.
With slight hesitation, Ash took his hand.