Fran Goes on Jerry Springer
Another irreverent chapter and we still don't know what the heck we're doing. This chapter, Vaan and Basch come out and admit what they did, and Fran does more incredibly stupid things (she does disturbing things involving carrots). REVIEWS ARE GOOD FOR EVERYONE! BTW, chestnut trees smell like semen when they bloom. Dead serious. We call our USB sticks "Magic Sticks", and Lisa wanted Fran to do something disturbing with one.
Penelo was completely drunk, so Ashe was taping the episode for her. She didn't like having to deal with a hyperactive teenager while her friends were on the show. Penelo had thrown a batch of cupcakes at the wall, and when Ashe got mad, Penelo blamed it on Bart Simpson!
"Penelo, who in the hell is Bart Simpson? I'm trying to watch Fran, so shut up or I'm sending you to the loony bin!"
"I didn't throw the damn cupcakes! I told you what happened!"
Meanwhile, Fran wasn't behaving much better. During a commercial break, she had managed to find a carrot somewhere and had it shoved down her shirt, right in between her breasts. Security was restraining her; much to her dismay, but nobody would reach down and grab the carrot.
Jerry was not amused. "Listen to me Viera. You are being embarrassing. This is making all Viera look bad. WILL ONE OF YOU GET THAT DAMN CARROT ALREADY?"
"I'd be delighted to!" Balthier exclaimed. Fran swatted at him with her claws. She broke free of security and leapt on top of a chair, hissing and swatting at anybody who went near her.
"IT'S MY CARROT! GOT THAT?! NOBODY TOUCHES ME AND TAKES MY CARROT!" The Viera screamed.
"C'mon Fran. It's not like half of Ivalice hasn't already seen and/or touched your breasts." Balthier argued.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!"
"YOU SHOULD KNOW! YOU ONLY SLEPT WITH EVERY MALE IN RABANASTRE! AND NOT JUST HUMES EITHER! YOU WERE CAUGHT WITH SEEQS, BANGAAS, MOOGLES, AND NU-MOU TOO!"
"Don't touch me!"
"Fran, you didn't seem to mind while we had sex."
"Miss Frances, nobody wants to take your carrot, just get it out of your shirt!" Jerry yelled.
"I've already told you my name is not FRANCES!"
"I don't care, just get that carrot out!"
"Okay, I will. And it will go somewhere else! Like lodged up your rear!"
"Fran, will you at least tell me what you did?" Balthier asked.
"Gladly. I slept with Basch and Vaan, and I put exposed tree roots in my snizz." Fran said in her normal tone.
"I know you slept with Basch and Vaan. Vaan told me all about it!!"
"And I'm going to have to take a pregnancy test."
"Good lord, you're a stupid Viera! Why didn't you use protection?!"
"What is protection?"
"It's a wonder there isn't an overpopulation of Viera, if all you female Viera want to do is have sex." Jerry told Fran.
"It isn't all they do, Jerry. That's just what I do. By the way, my favourite trees are chestnut trees, because I like the way they smell when they bloom."
Balthier rolled his eyes. "You're very sick, you know that dear?" The Hume said. Fran nodded happily, pulled the carrot out, and started eating it.
"Basch put something he called a 'Magick Stick' up my pussy."
"FRAN! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT AGAIN!" Balthier roared.
"We're gonna have to bleep that. And don't talk about putting USB sticks in yourself!" Jerry said.
"I said BASCH did it. And it hurt. And what is a USB stick?" Fran said, picking up a chair.
"Put the chair down, Viera."
"No!" Fran hurled the chair at Jerry happily, but she missed luckily.