Fran Goes on Jerry Springer
I, The Lisa am very happy that i has some reviews now. Send more, and by the way? I don't often capitalize, and I don't use proper grammar to make it sound funny. i take requests for something Fran should do in the next chapter. Very cool. We need ideas.
Penelo threw a fit when she heard Larsa's name. She liked Larsa. As in liked him liked him.
"Fran slept with Larsa?! Larsa is MINE! AND HE'S ONLY TWELVE!" Penelo roared. She took out another beer and decided to drown her sorrows about her boyfriend sleeping with a Viera.
"Considering I'm probably going to end up marrying stupid Al-Cid, I should be mad, but personally I think Fran isn't the only Viera he's been with. Lousy Rozzarians." Ashe muttered.
Fran was not pleased that Larsa and Al-Cid had been brought into this. She only slept with Al-Cid because Balthier was too tired to cater to the needs of one very horny Viera that night. And she never technically actually had sex with Larsa. She knew exactly how old he was. She had just "taught" him a few things that Penelo would probably enjoy someday. Foreplay, that's all it was. She had him play with mini-carrots. Larsa tried to find out how many baby carrots he could slide up Fran's snatch. Quite a few, they found out. Fran had a hell of a time getting them out afterwards, and Larsa didn't want to eat them.
"So you're Larsa Solidor. So Fran, I didn't know you were bisexual." Jerry said.
"Larsa's a boy. And don't ask me if I'm sure, because seriously, I got proof. I used to think he was a girl too." Fran said.
"So you slept with a child?"
"No. We didn't have sex. We just engaged in foreplay. It was his idea. He's VERY advanced for his age. I like how small his hands are, he probably could've gotten his whole hand in there if he wanted to, but he didn't want to see how many fingers he could get up there, just… well, and then he used baby carrots. He got 14 up there. I don't know how. Then I kept the carrots once I got them out, and I think Balthier ate them a few days ago."
"WHAT WAS THAT?! YOU DIDN'T JUST TELL ME WHAT I ATE WERE THOSE CARROTS, DID YOU?!" Balthier yelled. Fran nodded happily.
"So if you're pregnant, Larsa doesn't have to worry?" Jerry asked.
"He probably isn't developed enough to get a girl pregnant anyhow."
"Fran, that is incredibly rude!" Larsa snapped.
"I am only speaking the truth. Once you're seventeen we'll talk about it. It would've been incredibly wrong to take a twelve-year-old's virginity. I didn't lose mine until I was about sixty."
Al-Cid started saying something about how, if Fran wanted, he could take her to Rozzaria to live with him as a royal consort. Fran rolled her eyes. Once with Sir Talksalot was bad enough. He had made more than just her vagina sore, that was for sure! He talked so much that Fran's bunny ears rang for hours. She couldn't stand his voice and especially not right in her ears!
"What is wrong with me?" Al-Cid asked the Viera.
"Vaan was better than you, and he was pretty bad. Why can't you shut up for a change? It felt like my ears were bleeding, and you aren't exactly the world's greatest lover either. If I have your child, I don't know what I'll do. I think I'll send it to you to take care of and never go near you again."
"Viera blood is valuable. There are only a few thousand pure Viera left. And considering who I am. If you had my child, he or she would be most valuable and precious to all of Ivalice!"
"Yeah. Fran wants the baby to be mine, because I'm hot!" Vaan exclaimed.
"Mother Wood, Vaan you are not hot! You should go gay, 'cause I feel sorry for the girls who will have to have sex with you! It was very unpleasant, and I'm not doing it again until you learn how to do it right! Gods you're stupid!" Fran hissed.
"I wish I could help Larsa put carrots up Fran's pussy. Hey, Ashe, guess what? Want to hear a funny word?" Penelo asked.
"Go to hell." Ashe growled.
"Pussy-willow! That's probably another favourite tree for Fran to sleep with!"
"Wow. You're even more perverted than Vaan. You should sleep with Fran."
"No. We're not lesbians. Well, I'm not, and Fran hasn't been known to sleep with a woman even though I bet she'd do it if there were enough carrots involved. Boy, does she love carrots."
"You're as bad as Vaan!"
"I'm glad Fran didn't sleep with my Larsa. He gets to put carrots up my snizz someday!"
Penelo then took a big slurp of her beer, and started belching the ABCs. Ashe wanted so badly to hit her in the head with a crowbar and knock her out.
"Penelo, I'm watching TV here. Go play in the sewers. Vaan would probably love to help once he gets back from telling the world how far he shoved various things up a Viera's vagina. Like broccoli, because it reminds Fran of trees."
"See, Viera need to start breeding like rabbits or we won't survive." Fran was saying, Basch rubbing her back. At least she liked him. Not as much as Balthier, but he was good too.
"Are there male Viera?" Jerry asked. Fran nodded.
"Sure. There aren't a lot of them, but there are male Viera. My sister Jote used to sneak them into the village and have sex with them. I don't know why she never got pregnant. Maybe she'll someday have little Viera."
"Did you ever sleep with them?"
"No. I like Humes and other things. Moogles are kind of fuzzy, but they aren't bad. I didn't like the Bangaas, and the Seeqs… out of the question. NEVER again. I'm sticking to Humes and Moogles. Male Viera aren't kinky enough for me. And Vaan is awful."
"Hey! Why don't you like me? Come here and play with my wiener! Just give me another chance!" Vaan yelled. Fran went over and slapped him.
"You imbecile! There is NO way I'm giving you a handjob! You can forget it, Mr. Oh-My-Gods-Fran-Does-My-Tiny-Penis-Hurt-You-When-It-Goes-In-You!" Fran yelled.
"We're bleeping that." Jerry said.
"Hey Jerry! Want to hear something funny?" Vaan asked. He grabbed the mic.
"Not really."
"Okay! Valve valve valve valve penis!" Vaan shouted into the microphone and It broke the windows and sent a sonic boom breaking every piece of glass in town. Fran's ears bled. Ashe and Penelo swore to kill Vaan when he got back.
"Did we bleep that? No? Oh my. This will be bad. I hope I don't get cancelled."
"Fran, when we get out of here, I'm gonna have to do you." Balthier said.
"Okay!" The Viera exclaimed happily. She left for a few minutes, and returned with a huge trampoline, which she nailed Vaan over the head with. Vaan's head was right through the trampoline.
"Lookit me! I'm a Dalmascan frilled lizard! And this lizard is hungry for hot Viera!" Vaan said. Fran took out a coeurl-and-grapefruit sandwich and started eating. Everybody knew not to bug her while she was eating.
"I think she's having cravings." Balthier said.
"Yeah. That settles the question of whether or not she's pregnant. She's gonna have my little bunny-eared baby." Vaan said.
"It's mine!" Basch argued.
"I sleep with Fran almost every night. If she's having a child, I'm the father!" Balthier yelled.