It was 2 days before Christmas before I arrived home safely. My parents were astounded by my return but they were glad to have me back for Christmas and New Year. I was surprised by my decision to take leave abruptly too but I needed some time off work. My boss was not very pleased with my plan but he had come to term that I would not settle for less.

At first I wanted to fly over to New York or Canada for a nice vacation. Then I realised that I did not want to be alone. It was not loneliness that I was afraid of. It was being too independent. Suddenly I desired to be loved, to be pampered and to be taken care of. So I headed home - a shelter with love, tender and care all the time.

Things were so different back home yet they brought back a sense of familiarity and belonging that moved me deeply. I had never realised how much I missed my bedroom, my working desk, my car and most of all, my mum's cooking! It felt wonderful to be home again.

Everyone back home was thrilled to see me again. At times I felt totally exhausted and drained entertaining the relatives and friends but it was great to catch up with old times.

Caroline was a good and lovely companion, just as she always was. We went shopping together and had lots of fun. She did ask me about my sudden return but I told her firmly that I wanted some personal space to do some thinking first. She was wonderful and she prompted no further questions. It was true that I was not prepared to take questions from anyone yet. It was my life, my choice. I had nobody to answer to right now except myself.

x x x

I met Matt the next day after I arrived home. Well, I had dinner with my old colleagues and he was one of them. We did not have much long conversations except the usual "hello", "you look great" etc. as I was always distracted by the others. I became the center of attraction that night. Everyone was asking me loads of questions about Washington and headquarter.

It was not until later that we were finally alone. As usual Matt was a gentleman who volunteered to walk me to my car and I accepted the offer. We were silent throughout the walk until I reached my car. He had finally spoken.

"You look different."

"In what way?" I asked, surprised at his comment.

"You look...distant. Sad. Unhappy. Your eyebrows are always locked even when you are laughing. Your eyes look troubled. Your soul and spirit are far from reach."

He was right. I was everything Matt had described but this was not the right time to talk about the problems.

I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a smile.

"It is very nice to see you again, Matt. Good night."