Chapter 3
"Oh, hi, Akaashi-san. I guess we're stand partners, then?"
"It's no wonder you're the concertmaster. You're very good, Keiji."
"Maybe we can discuss this part over a drink or two? Want to meet me at my place tonight, Keiji?"
"Keiji, I… I really like you."
"Please take care of me."
"Keiji…"
"I'm sorry, Keiji. This is an opportunity I can't refuse. We have to break up."
"He's yours."
"I'm moving out of the country. I can't take care of him."
"No. I don't want anything to do with him. He's under your care now."
"Goodbye, Keiji."
Akaashi jolted awake with a gasp, his eyes snapping open to stare at the pale ceiling.
His chest rose and fell rapidly as the remnants of his dreams faded, the voice echoing into the deep recesses of his mind. He rubbed his face, his fingers sliding over the sweat-slicked skin. He startled a little when he felt tears in his eyes.
Of all the people to dream about and it had to be her.
He scrubbed away the tears from his cheeks and eyes and then pushed his fingers through his damp hair. He turned to look at the clock, seeing that it was almost six in the morning. Just a few minutes before his alarm would go off.
"Damn it," Akaashi mumbled, letting himself plop back against his pillow. He sighed and stared up at the ceiling. He could faintly hear the soft pitter-patter of rain hitting the window. He groaned, slapping his hands over his eyes. It would be another day of walking in the rain. "Damn it."
It had been a full week of rain in the city. It was constant and steady, and always seemed to pour the hardest when Akaashi walked outside.
Akaashi sighed and threw the blankets off of him, sitting up in bed. He groaned and rubbed his shoulder. His body felt heavy. It was as if his blood was replaced with silver and his bones with lead.
Just stay home. You're not needed at work anyway.
Akaashi grit his teeth, feeling his jaw tense as he walked over to his closet to search for his favorite shirt.
The voice was growing stronger lately. Maybe it was because of the nasty, dreary weather. Or, it could be that Tobio's cold shoulder and harsh glances had finally gotten to him. Or maybe it was his screw-ups at work, and Mori's bland gaze.
Or was it his father's judgmental eyes as he watched him?
Akaashi took out his favorite button-up shirt from the closet and threw it over his shoulders. Maybe it would give him good luck for the day.
As he reached for the third hole, the button popped out and fell to the ground. He stared down at the button that fell in between his feet as if it offended him.
Ha! So much for having good vibes.
Akaashi clicked his tongue, practically ripping the shirt from his shoulders.
"Shut up."
The walk to Fukudoroni was wet and miserable.
Tobio's scowl seemed permanent on his face, his hand reluctantly holding onto Akaashi's.
"Just a little further, Tobio," Akaashi said, pulling Tobio closer so he could fit underneath the umbrella.
Tobio stayed silent, not even looking up to meet his father's eyes. Akaashi sighed softly as they turned the corner and into the gates of the high school. The week had been full of discipline issues. Every day, Suga had to mention to Akaashi how Tobio's behavior with Shouyou had been steadily declining as the week went on. When he would ask Tobio why he would pick a fight, Tobio just pouted and shrugged, not providing enough of an answer. It was troubling to say the least.
And, to top off the horrible morning, Akaashi had a terrible nagging feeling that he had forgotten something.
Just as they were about to enter into the school, two high-school students ran past, knocking into little Tobio. Tobio tumbled backwards, falling on his back right into a deep puddle.
"Tobio!" Akaashi yelled, hurrying to the boy's side. He held the umbrella over his son as he helped him up to his feet. "Are you all right?"
Tobio sniffed and nodded, his eyes welling up with tears. Akaashi winced, noticing that his small uniform was now soaked and dirty. The boy would be freezing all day.
The older students winced and hissed at their mistake, standing in the doorway of the school building.
"Um…" one of them mumbled, looking nervous.
"We… we didn't even see him," the other said.
Akaashi threw a quick glare over his shoulder, eliciting a few squeaks out of the students, and then turned back to his son.
What was he supposed to do now? Tobio could not go to school in these wet clothes. But he did not have time to rush back home to change him—he would be late for work.
And his father was supposed to be in today.
Akaashi sighed and closed his eyes, rubbing his temple gently with the tips of his fingers.
Why? Why today of all days?
"Hey, hey! What's going on, guys?"
Akaashi's eyes snapped open and he turned around.
Standing in the doorway was none other than the boisterous volleyball coach, his head cocked in curiosity and his hand holding on to the strap of his duffle bag. His golden eyes peered down at Tobio, noticing his wet clothes and trembling lip.
"What happened, little guy?" Bokuto asked, leaning down a little and balancing on his knees.
"Ah, Coach Bokuto!" one of the older students startled.
"It was an accident," the other said. "We were running and knocked into him."
Bokuto's friendly demeanor fell as he turned towards the boys, his thick brows lowering dangerously over his golden eyes.
"Did you apologize?" Bokuto asked the two students.
The two students exchanged fearful looks before turning back to the coach to shake their heads sadly. Bokuto pointed to Tobio, who stood sniffling with a baffled look on his face.
"Go apologize!" Bokuto commanded. And when the students hesitated, exchanging strange looks, Bokuto's anger kindled hot. "Now!"
The students squeaked and then immediately bowed at the waist, blurting out indiscernible apologies before scrambling into the school and out of sight.
Akaashi stared after them as they disappeared, surprised at Bokuto's sudden dominance. He glanced up at Bokuto, the volleyball coach glaring down the hallway with furrowed brows. He huffed out a soft sigh before turning back to lock eyes with Akaashi. Akaashi stared back at him, feeling suddenly at peace. His heart no longer raced uncontrollably and the knot in his stomach loosened.
It was as if everything was right in the world.
The spell was suddenly broken, however, when Bokuto's eyes flitted over to Tobio. His gaze softened and he hurried over to Tobio's side, kneeling down next to Akaashi. Akaashi stood back up on his feet and held the umbrella over them both to keep them dry.
"Hey there, little guy!" Bokuto greeted, a big grin on his face. "You're all soaked! Here."
Bokuto unzipped his duffle bag and pulled out a big, fluffy towel. He plopped it on Tobio's head and quickly ruffled his black hair.
"We'll get you dry in no time!" Bokuto said. He suddenly paused in his ruffling, a frown painting his lips. He lifted up the towel to peer down at Tobio's face. "Do you have some dry clothes here?"
Akaashi cleared his throat, feeling shame start to close up his airways as Bokuto glanced up at him expectantly.
"Um. He doesn't," Akaashi answered. He could hear the voice chuckle in his mind.
What kind of kindergarten parent doesn't bring a spare change of clothes? He's five! He should have a change of clothes for him, you moron!
Akaashi sucked in a breath and lowered his head. His grip on his umbrella tightened and then slackened with his breaths.
Bokuto glanced back to Tobio and then rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"Hmm, let me think here, uh… Oh!" Bokuto snapped his fingers and then grinned. "I bet Shouyou has a spare uniform that you can borrow for today!"
Tobio scowled while Akaashi's brows pinched in worry.
You're being a burden…
Akaashi grit his teeth, internally chastising himself for putting his son through this ordeal. How could he even call himself a father after this?
"Is that okay?" Bokuto asked both Tobio and Akaashi.
Akaashi swallowed, blinking back to reality.
"Um… I don't want to cause trouble," Akaashi explained, but Bokuto waved his hand in the air.
"Nah, it's no trouble! Besides, I don't want this guy to get a cold. I'm supposed to show him more volleyball moves today!" Bokuto said, placing his hand back on Tobio's head.
Tobio's eyes sparkled at the mention of volleyball, his scowl melting off of his face and his frown softening. He looked up at Akaashi in silent permission, and Akaashi's gut churned.
"Well… as long as Shouyou is okay with it, then I guess it's fine," Akaashi answered.
Bokuto smiled brightly and then turned back to Tobio, patting his towel-covered head.
"Great! Well let's get you changed!" Bokuto said, standing to his feet. He turned to Akaashi, offering a genuine grin. "I can walk him to class for you. Suga had told me that you had to get to your job early in the mornings."
Akaashi furrowed his brows, wondering what all Sugawara had said about him.
Suga probably talks about how horrible of a father you are.
Akaashi winced but he quickly schooled his expression back to his neutral, blank face. He nodded once to the volleyball coach.
"Thank you," Akaashi said.
The coach smiled, putting two of his fingers up to his brow in a cheeky salute.
"No problem! I'll make sure he gets to class safe and sound," he promised. He glanced down at Tobio and held out his hand. "You ready?"
Without hesitation, Tobio nodded and grabbed Bokuto's hand. Bokuto waved to Akaashi and then led Tobio through the doors and into the school building. The door closed behind them, the two of them walking down the hall hand-in-hand.
The sight was like a knife to Akaashi's gut.
See that? Tobio doesn't need you.
That volleyball coach and Suga can take care of him better than you can.
Pathetic. You're so pathetic! Pathetic!
Akaashi hissed, gripping his umbrella hard until his knuckles turned white. He turned away from the school building and hurried to the station, trying to push the voice from his mind.
I know that I'm pathetic, Akaashi told the voice.
An image of her flashed into his mind, just like in his dream. He could see her lips forming the same word to him.
Pathetic.
I know this, Akaashi told the voice again. So please. Just stop.
After coming in late, and dealing with a grumpy deliveryman, Akaashi hid away in his office to work on his pile of paperwork. His hand was cramping by lunchtime as he tried to write markings on the sheet music.
That nagging feeling was still eating away at his stomach.
What did he forget?
Think, Keiji. Think.
Soon enough, a few loud knocks pounded on Akaashi's door, making him jump. His hand jolted, making his pencil scratch along the music sheet, creating a long mark. He sighed and clicked his tongue at the mistake and quickly flipped his pencil over to erase the mark.
There was another knock, more insistent and impatient.
"Just a minute," Akaashi called.
He could hear the doorknob jiggling and then the door opened, sending in a fresh wave of cold air. Akaashi sighed as he continued to erase the long mark, feeling his annoyance spike.
"I'll be with you in just a—"
"Keiji."
Akaashi's hand froze, his chest immediately tightening and his shoulders tensing. He placed his pencil down and turned his head back towards the door.
His father loomed in the doorway, a crease in between his brows and his lips pulled into a harsh frown.
Hehe. Looks like he's here to scold you again.
Akaashi bit his lip and calmly turned back around to face his desk. He picked up his pencil and continued erasing the mark on the page.
"I'm busy," Akaashi said coldly as he scrubbed the page harder. He made a mental note to go easy on his writing in the future. The mark just would not come off.
"We need to talk," his father said.
"Can it wait? I'm trying to get these parts redone," Akaashi said.
"No," his father said, his voice growing. "You've been avoiding me all week."
"Not really," Akaashi said. "I've just been doing my normal routine, which doesn't usually include you."
His father let out a quick huff of air, almost sounding like an irritated growl.
"I'm just trying to open more opportunities for you," his father said.
Akaashi turned his head back to his father, leveling him with a harsh stare.
"Is that what you're doing? Or are you just trying to bring fame to the Akaashi name?"
His father stared at him incredulously, his jaw slackened and his eyes wide, and Akaashi winced, realizing how he had snapped.
He's disappointed in you.
Akaashi's brows pinched as he stood to his feet. He gathered his music sheets and tucked them into a folder, holding it under his arm. It was far too stuffy in that office.
He avoided his father's eyes as he brushed past him to leave his office.
"I need to get my work done," Akaashi said on his way out.
He only got in a few steps before he heard his father's voice echo down the empty hall.
"Have you even picked up your violin since you took in that child?"
Akaashi stopped in his tracks, his fingers curling tighter around the folder under his arm. He turned back to look at his father, his forehead creased with stress lines.
"What?" Akaashi said.
His father folded his arms across his chest and lowered his brows.
"Your violin," his father repeated. "The one I spent a fortune to get for you, remember? Have you even practiced?"
Akaashi winced, turning his head away. He remembered the day he got that violin. His father handed over the brand new instrument with a disapproving gaze. His eyes were filled with condescension, and he had spewed harsh threats, making Akaashi promise to guard the instrument with his life.
Now the instrument was in its case, collecting dust under his bed.
Way to waste what your father gave you.
Akaashi winced and turned his head away, feeling guilt settle uncomfortably in his stomach.
Ha! You should feel guilty! He probably hates you now!
Just like every person that has come into your life!
"I haven't had time," Akaashi said, pushing the voice down and away.
"Of course you haven't," his father scoffed.
Akaashi winced, turning back down the hallway.
I bet you sound terrible now. You shouldn't even bother with it.
"I have to go," Akaashi said firmly.
Without looking back, Akaashi marched down the empty hallway towards the back storage rooms, trying to create as much distance between him and his father as possible. He was unsure of where he was going but he knew it had to be somewhere his father would not be.
He entered through the first door he saw and slammed it shut behind him, leaning his back against the cool metal and closing his eyes. He huffed out a few quick breaths, relishing in the heavy silence.
When the panic finally left his chest, he opened his eyes and glanced around the room. There were several black instrument cases neatly stacked on wooden shelves.
Ah. It was the spare instrument storage.
If an orchestral member had a broken instrument right before a concert, they can come to this storage and find a spare lying around. They were horribly out of tune but it was better than not playing at all.
Akaashi's eyes flitted to the shelves where the smaller string instruments rested. The label for violins was taped on the second shelf and there was one black case sitting upon it.
Akaashi bit his lip, glancing back at the door behind him.
"Have you even practiced?"
Akaashi took a deep breath, placing his folder down, and marched towards the shelf. His hand shook as it reached for the case and he closed his hand into a tight fist to fight the tremors. Once he regained control, he opened up the case and stared down at the instrument inside.
The violin was a deep brown color with the bow stored into one side of the case. The curves of the instrument were worn and even one side was chipped, showing its age.
Akaashi swallowed as he carefully took the instrument out of its case. He held it in his hands for a moment, remembering what it felt like to actually hold it. He closed his eyes and remembered all the times he would wait backstage, listening to his peers warming up and talking in hushed voices.
His heart skipped a beat at the thought. He suddenly felt eager.
He glanced down and carefully adjusted the chin rest. He reached down to grab the bow to adjust it as well. Once both parts felt right, he lifted the violin to his shoulder and tucked it under his chin. His fingers smoothed down the strings, hearing the slight whine from its scratching.
Akaashi almost felt a tug on his lips.
He thought back to the last piece he had performed. It was an orchestra concert: Tchaikovsky's 6th Symphony, nicknamed "Pathétique." He could hear the fourth movement so clearly in his mind, the sad shrill of the strings in a heartbreaking chord that descended until the winds came in. He could play those beginning notes. He remembered them as if he performed the piece just yesterday.
He adjusted his fingers into the proper position and lifted up the bow to touch the string.
He inhaled and closed his eyes, ready to caress the string.
And then, he pulled the bow down.
But, it was not the beautiful first note of the heartbreaking fourth movement.
Instead, it was a harsh shrill sound that pierced Akaashi's ears, making him snap his eyes open and tense up on the spot.
His hands shook, making the bow bounce on the second string. Tears sprung to his eyes in the horrifying realization that…
…that he could not play as well as he used to.
Hahaha! Really? That was the best you could do?
What happened to being the best? What happened to being the player with the most potential to succeed?
What happened to little Keiji?! Hahaha!
Akaashi's chest caved in as he lowered the violin and the bow to his sides.
What was he going to do now?
Was his performing career completely… over?
Had he… missed his only chance?
"Those are for orchestra members only."
Akaashi jumped, nearly dropping the instrument, and turned towards the door.
His eyes widened, fresh tears threatening to spill.
His father stood in the doorway with a disappointed look on his face.
"Put it away before you break it."
Akaashi startled, scrambling over to the case to put the violin away. He dabbed his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt before shutting the case and flicking the latch. He sniffed in a quiet breath and then grabbed his folder, turning to walk out the door. He kept his eyes on the floor as he passed his father. Just when he thought he was in the clear, he could hear his father mutter under his breath.
"Disgraceful."
Akaashi sucked in a sharp breath and fled down the hall, desperately wanting to escape. He ended up back in his office, locking the door this time, and he slid down to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest.
Oho, disgraceful? That's a new one. I'll add it to the list.
Akaashi's hands gripped his pants and he sighed, leaning down to rest his forehead against his knees.
The universe definitely hated him. This, he was sure of.
"Okay, everyone. Gather up your bentos or your money. It's time for lunch!"
The kindergarteners cheered happily as they hurried off their seats to the cubbies in the back of the room to search their backpacks for their lunches. Tobio slid off of his seat and headed to the back. He scowled as he reached down to scratch at his pants.
Shouyou's spare clothes had been wrinkly and too small for Tobio, but it was all he had to wear since his father forgot to bring in a second set of clothes.
The thought made Tobio tear up. He was uncomfortable and just wanted to be in his own clothes.
He grabbed his bento from his bag and waddled behind his classmates, scowling as Shouyou pushed him out of the way and into the spot in front of him.
"Hey! You just cut in front of me!" Tobio said.
Shouyou turned his head back, his eyes wide and bright.
"Eh? No, I didn't! You were just too slow!" Shouyou said.
Tobio grit his teeth, his brows lowering over his eyes.
"I'm not slow! You're slow!" Tobio spat.
"If I was slow, then you would've beaten me to the line!" Shouyou said back to him, sticking out his tongue in defiance.
"You dummy! Dummy Shouyou!"
"Eh?! I'm not dumb!"
Before either one of them could scream another insult, Suga stepped in between them and pulled them back by their collars.
"Fighting again? Tobio, Shouyou, I told you two that we need to be friendly here. We're a team, remember?" Suga said, frowning at them softly.
The two boys exchanged dirty looks before turning their heads away in pouts. Suga sighed at them and gently pushed their backs to get them back in line.
"Let's just have a peaceful lunch today, all right?" Suga whispered to them. He turned to the rest of the class and smiled brightly. "Okay, everyone! Let's head to the cafeteria!"
Suga led the kindergarteners down the hallways to the cafeteria where the other kindergarten classes were, already munching on their food. They all sat around smaller tables, each setting their bentos down and unwrapping them. And in a simultaneous Itadakimasu, the children dug into their lunches.
Tobio reached out for his own lunch and unwrapped it, his belly rumbling from hunger. But when he took off the plastic cover, his heart sank.
His bento was empty.
Tobio stared at the empty container, wondering if food would just suddenly appear if he concentrated hard enough. But no food came.
His father had forgotten to pack his lunch.
His brows pinched harshly and he scowled, hot and angry tears filling his eyes. He sniffled, trying to hold them back, but his breath hitched inside his chest and he hiccupped, causing the other students to stare. Even Shouyou paused to look up at him, his cheeks full of rice.
"E-Eh? Tobio? What's wrong?"
Tobio glanced up to see Suga quickly coming to his side and touching his back.
"Why are you crying?" Suga asked, kneeling down to peer at his face.
Tobio's eyes squinted as the tears spilled and he pointed to his bento.
"D-Daddy didn't pack m-me a lunch," Tobio whimpered out.
Suga's eyes widened a bit before his brows upturned sadly. He reached up to pat Tobio's head.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Suga said. He tried to calm Tobio's sniveling but his hiccups only got worse as he kept thinking about it. "We'll figure something out, okay? Don't cry, Tobio."
Tobio glanced down at his lap, wondering where it all went wrong this past week. He knew he had argued a lot with Shouyou, and that made his dad upset. He spilled his milk the other morning, all over his dad's paperwork. He was upset then, too. So now was he being punished? Was his dad doing this to show him he was unloved?
Tobio rubbed his eyes and growled, his sadness quickly being replaced with anger.
Fine! If daddy doesn't want to love me, then I won't love him!
"Hey, hey, hey! What's going on over here?"
Tobio snapped his eyes open and raised his head to see Bokuto, the volleyball coach.
"Wah! Unmble Bwoto!" Shouyou peeped, spitting rice over the table.
"Ah, hey there, favorite nephew!" Bokuto greeted with a wide grin. He looked to Suga and then down to Tobio, his grin softening. "What's going on?"
Suga stood to his feet and gave Bokuto a strained smile. "It seems Tobio's father forgot to pack him a lunch today."
Bokuto's brows rose up on his forehead and he frowned. He scratched his head, his other hand going to his hip.
"Well, that's no good," Bokuto said. After a moment of thinking, he suddenly smiled and held out his hand. "I know! Wanna come with me to the teacher's lounge? Someone brought meat buns!"
Tobio blinked away the remaining tears and nodded reaching up his hand to hold onto Bokuto's. Bokuto smiled and pumped his fist.
"All right! To the lounge we go! We'll be right back, Sugawara!" Bokuto hollered over his shoulder.
He gently tugged on Tobio's hand, guiding him out of the cafeteria and down the hall. After a few steps of Bokuto humming, he turned to Tobio.
"Hey, Tobio, do you like milk?"
Akaashi blinked back to consciousness, his eyes bleary as the yellow wall of his office came into view. He sighed and buried his head into his folded arms to hide from the light. He sighed heavily as his head pounded against his skull. The headache started right after his confrontation with his father and it had not let up since, even with taking pain medicines. Then, apparently, he had dozed off at his desk without him even realizing it.
This is what you deserve, you know.
Akaashi groaned, feeling annoyed and tired of hearing that same voice berating him over and over in his head.
If you had only done what your father had said four years ago, then you could be the one on that stage.
"Stop," Akaashi said, leaning up from his arms and glaring down at the table. He did not need this. Not today. Not now.
Not ever.
You should have never taken in Tobio!
"Enough!"
Akaashi slammed his palm on the table painfully, leaving tingles pulsing through his fingers. He sighed and massaged his aching hand, working out the stinging sensation left behind.
He felt woozy and dazed. How long had he been asleep?
What time was it even?
He blinked and turned in his chair to look up at the clock. The room swam as he tilted his head up and he squinted to try to focus on the numbers.
Ugh, what is wrong with me? Akaashi thought. How bad was my headache, anyway?
When the clock cleared, his heart sunk and his eyes widened in panic.
It was after six in the evening.
"Damn it!" Akaashi shouted, jumping up from his chair. He scrambled to get everything into his bag. "Damn it, damn it!"
Ah, late again? That's not surprising for you, is it?
Akaashi grimaced as he pulled on his jacket and hurried out of his office, slamming the door shut behind him. He ran down the empty hallway and burst through the door. He was immediately met with a downpour of rain, the droplets thicker and heavier than it had been all week. He skidded to a stop underneath the awning, gazing up at the sky, wondering why the world had been so cruel.
"Late for something?"
Akaashi's heart lurched and he glanced over to see his father standing in the corner of the awning, a cigarette in one hand and his cell phone in the other.
"I just need to pick up my son," Akaashi spat.
His father rolled his eyes and glanced down at his phone.
"Yeah, it's always about that boy, isn't it?" he responded.
Akaashi glared at him and clicked his tongue, stomping out to the edge of the awning and taking a deep breath.
"Didn't I warn you about that Kageyama girl?" his father called to him before he could take a step out into the street.
Akaashi froze at hearing her name coming out of his mouth so easily. He turned his head back to scowl at his father but he knew it was weak. His father just looked back at him with furrowed brows.
"I knew she was trouble but you still went for her anyway," his father said. "And, of course, you just had to go and get into bed with her—"
"Enough," Akaashi snapped. He turned his head away from his father and balled his hands into fists. He took a few slow breaths, his chest feeling tight and panicked. "She… she might've been a mistake, but I don't regret taking in Tobio."
"You don't?"
"I don't," Akaashi said, a little hesitation in his voice. It was as if he was trying to convince himself of it.
He could hear his father sigh and shuffle around a bit.
"Right. Keep telling yourself that," his father said.
Akaashi's hands shook and he huffed out an angry sigh, remembering that he left his umbrella in his office. But instead of turning back, he marched forward into the rain, feeling the droplets pound into his back. He did not dare look back at his father's disappointed stare any longer.
After practically sprinting to the train station, and then sprinting again after the train ride, Akaashi finally made it to Fukudoroni High. He burst through the front doors and rushed down the hallway.
He rushed into the gym, huffing and puffing. His chest felt as if it were on fire and his body was freezing from the pouring down rain.
To his horror, most of the lights had been turned off except for a few in the far corner. And his heart sank at the sight.
Tobio was sitting on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest, while Suga sat with him, his arm wrapped around his shoulders. He was hushing the boy softly, his hand coming up to rub his head.
Akaashi's stomach wrenched like a wet rag and he rushed across the wood floor to get to them.
"Tobio!" Akaashi called as he approached.
Suga glanced up at him as he approached, the man putting on a patient yet tight smile. He patted Tobio's shoulder and whispered something to him. And when Tobio pulled his face from his knees, Akaashi's heart sank.
There were tear tracks marking his cheeks.
Ah. You made him cry again.
"Tobio," Akaashi said, getting on his knees in front of his son. "I am… I am so, so sorry that I'm late."
Tobio's lips wobbled and he leaned back down into his knees, pointedly ignoring his father. He sniffed and held his legs tighter against his chest.
Akaashi stared down at him with concerned eyes. He looked to Suga, who was staring down at Tobio sadly.
"He's had a rough day," Suga explained, reaching up to pat Tobio's head. Tobio flinched at first but relaxed. He glanced up at Akaashi with a sheepish expression. "Has… has your job been taking all of your attention?"
Akaashi blinked at him. Where in the world did this come from?
"Uh… well, I mean, I guess things have been a little strained," Akaashi answered.
Suga hummed, ruffling Tobio's hair and pausing before continuing.
"I think… you forgot to pack Tobio's lunch today," Suga said, his smile slipping slightly.
Akaashi's eyes widened, his gaze snapping down to his son. Tobio kept his face buried in his knees.
And then, Akaashi suddenly remembered. That nagging feeling he had throughout the day that he had forgotten something.
He had forgotten to pack Tobio's lunch.
You let your child go hungry. Your father was right.
You are a disgrace.
Akaashi rubbed his hand down his face, the guilt gnawing painfully on his spine. He sighed and dropped his hand from his face, kneeling down next to Tobio.
"I'm so sorry, Tobio," Akaashi said in a low voice. "I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you."
Tobio sniffed and shook his head against his thighs.
"Tobio…" Akaashi whispered, reaching out to him. "Please, forgive me. I was wrong."
The moment his hand touched Tobio's shoulder, his son leaned up from his knees and shoved his father's hand away, an angry glare on his face. Akaashi gasped softly and retracted his hand.
"Tobio!" Suga said in shock.
"No!" Tobio yelled.
Akaashi blinked at his son, his heart pounding against his chest. Tobio was staring back at him with such vicious blue eyes that it reminded him of her. He had her eyes, after all. Full of hatred and disgust that only she could give.
And now, his own son was directing that same look towards him.
"No, no, no!" Tobio yelled, tears streaming down his face. "I don't forgive you! I'll never forgive you!"
"Tobio…" Akaashi whispered.
"You don't even want to be around me! You don't care!" Tobio shouted.
Akaashi shook his head, his hand reaching out to his distressed son.
"Tobio, what are you—"
"I hate you!"
Akaashi froze, the large space suddenly falling completely silent. Suga stared down at Tobio, his eyes wide in shock. He reached out to touch Tobio's arm but the little boy did not stop in his screaming.
"I wish you weren't my dad! I hate you!" Tobio screamed.
Akaashi's chest suddenly felt tight, making it hard to breathe.
He… hates me? Akaashi thought. He… he actually…
The voice appeared back into his mind, laughing and mocking him maniacally.
You see?! You see this?! I told you! I told you that he hates you!
Everyone hates you, Keiji!
You're nothing!
Akaashi felt his eyes water as tears filled them and threatened to spill. He closed his eyes for a moment to try to dry them before they could fall.
I see, Akaashi thought. So you don't want me to be your dad, either.
Akaashi felt like a walking zombie, his nerves shot and his body trembling with every step. The rain had luckily stopped on their walk home but it did nothing to soothe the storm inside his chest.
He managed to make a big, hot meal with a tall glass of milk for Tobio.
They had not spoken to each other since they had gotten home.
Akaashi could not bear to eat anything. His stomach was in knots, the voice screaming and laughing at him all evening.
He knew he was on the verge of panicking, but he tried to keep his cool until Tobio went to sleep.
After an hour of letting Tobio color, Akaashi finally spoke up and told him it was time for bed. Tobio glared, but yawned and trotted off to bed without a word.
Akaashi sucked in a breath, almost ready to let himself spiral into a panic, when he saw Tobio's favorite blanket laying on the couch. He swallowed and picked up the blanket, walking on unsteady feet back to his son's bedroom.
Inside, Tobio was sprawled on his bed, already fast asleep. Akaashi took the opportunity to walk over to his bedside and drape the blanket over his body. With shaking fingers, Akaashi pulled the blanket up to his son's chin. His small son still had tear tracks on his cheeks from the rough day at kindergarten, and the sight of it made Akaashi's heart squeeze and his stomach clench. He moved his hand to touch his cheek, ready to wipe the stains away.
"I hate you!"
Akaashi's hand froze—a mere centimeter away from Tobio's cheek.
"I wish you weren't my dad! I hate you!"
Akaashi winced and withdrew his hand, letting it fall to his side. The ache in his chest was throbbing, squeezing the air out of his lungs. He took in a shaky breath and quickly left his son's bedroom, shutting the door with a soft click. He stared at the shut door with wide eyes, resting his palm against it.
"I hate you!"
"I hate me, too, Tobio…" Akaashi whispered. He grimaced, his hands curling into fists as he pushed himself off of the door. "I hate me so much."
Akaashi walked away from the door, his mind in a complete haze. He staggered down the hallway, his feet fumbling in the dark. He tripped over the couch blanket and stumbled into the wall. He managed to catch himself, his legs barely holding him up. His breath caught in his throat, his heart threatening to break.
"I'm so sorry, Tobio," Akaashi whimpered. "I'm so, so sorry."
Tobio's voice echoed in his mind as his feet led him to the front door to shuffle on some shoes. He swallowed thickly and bit back the tears as he pulled the front door open, not bothering to bring a jacket into the cool night.
"I'm sorry," Akaashi apologized as he shut the door behind him.
Then, he dragged his feet down the hallway of their complex and descended the stairs, barely managing not to completely trip and collapse. He left the complex and headed down the sidewalk, his mind reeling.
You're leaving your son all alone at home. What a great father you are!
Akaashi grimaced as the voice popped back into his mind. He passed by a streetlamp and turned a corner.
If he wakes up while you're gone, he'll hate you even more.
"Shut up," Akaashi whispered roughly.
You shouldn't even go back home.
Akaashi cursed the voice again and took another turn, walking until he heard the sound of trickling water. He stopped and glanced over, seeing that he was near a suspension bridge that hung several meters above the nearby river.
"A bridge…" Akaashi whispered, blinking at it softly.
You should just disappear.
Akaashi's heart leapt inside his chest at the thought.
"Disappear…?" he asked aloud. "But… what about—"
Tobio deserves a better father than you, doesn't he?
Akaashi felt his eyes water and he choked on a lump in his throat.
He suddenly took a step towards the bridge.
That's it. Go and disappear.
Akaashi crossed the street in a daze, making his way towards the walkway. The bridge was empty at this time of night—not even a single car passed by. He made it to the edge, his hands gripping the railing. He leaned forward and gazed down at the water below.
It was a far drop.
Do it.
The voice was relentless tonight. Agitated and impatient.
It made Akaashi feel just as impatient and restless.
Desperate to escape.
Climb up there and jump.
Akaashi took in a trembling breath as the voice grew louder and louder. He lifted his foot and slowly climbed up and onto the railing, his legs shaking as he maintained his balance. He glanced down at the water below, growing lightheaded at the sight.
Was he really about to do this?
"What about Tobio…" he whispered in a quivering voice.
Text his teacher. Suga-sensei can take better care of Tobio than you!
Akaashi choked on a sob and he slowly reached into his pocket. He took out his phone and fumbled through his contacts, looking for Suga's contact information. His thumb shook as he opened up a new message and started to type out his words.
To: Sugawara–Tobio's teacher
Hello, Sugawara-san. I am sorry to be texting you so late, but it seems that I cannot take care of Tobio any longer.
Akaashi felt another sob crawling up his throat, taking a moment to pause and catch his breath and regain his balance. Once he felt in control over his body again, he focused back on finishing the text.
Please take care of Tobio for me. I'm sorry.
His thumb hovered over the send button.
"Disgraceful."
Send the text.
Akaashi grit his teeth, feeling his air trapped in his lungs.
"I hate you!"
It was so hard to breathe.
Send the damn text and end your miserable life!
Akaashi lowered his thumb.
"Goodbye, Keiji."
DO IT!
"Oh, uh… h-hey there!"
Akaashi gasped, his shoulders stiffening. Instead of sending the text, his finger slipped and he closed out of the text box completely, deleting its contents.
That voice… was familiar.
Akaashi swallowed and slowly turned his head towards the source of the voice. The sight made his eyes widen.
Black and white hair.
Broad shoulders.
Golden eyes.
It was the high school volleyball coach from Fukudorani High School.
What was his name again? It started with a B…
Oh, right.
"B-Bokuto-san…" Akaashi whispered, too softly for Bokuto to hear.
But Bokuto's eyes widened a little as he recognized Akaashi's face. His face was bright against the dark night.
"Oh! It's you again! Remember, from this morning?" Bokuto asked.
Akaashi's heart did a strange leap in his chest and he blinked at the man.
Bokuto remembered him?
He slowly nodded in response, making Bokuto smile.
"I thought so! I didn't know you lived around here!" Bokuto said, smiling brightly.
Akaashi blinked, his eyes darting around. He was still standing on the railing, his legs suddenly feeling like jelly.
"Um…" Akaashi mumbled.
"Akaashi, right?"
Akaashi snapped his eyes back to Bokuto, staring at him in shock.
"Huh?" Akaashi asked intelligently.
"Your name," Bokuto said, his smile still wide on his face. "Your name is Akaashi, isn't it? I think that's what Suga told me… gah, did I get it wrong?"
Akaashi was stunned. Bokuto had even remembered his name? How on earth did he remember that? They had only spoken a few words to each other.
"Y-Yes." Akaashi finally found his voice, interrupting Bokuto's rambling.
Bokuto glanced up at him, his grin splitting his face and his golden eyes glowing in the dark.
"Really?! That's awesome! I'm so good at this!" Bokuto said proudly.
He glanced up at Akaashi and slowly took a few steps towards him. Akaashi remained frozen on the railing, watching Bokuto carefully.
"Aren't you cold up there?" Bokuto asked. He raised his hand to Akaashi, beckoning him to come. "C'mon, I can get you a drink or something."
Akaashi stared at Bokuto's outstretched hand and then looked back at his face. His expression was open and genuine, not faltering in the slightest.
Akaashi swallowed, feeling his heart thudding against his chest.
Time seemed to stand still as he lowered his hand down to rest in Bokuto's palm. Bokuto's hand was warm.
Bokuto smiled and gripped Akaashi's hand firmly. He said nothing as Akaashi turned from the railing and hopped down.
Akaashi's knees immediately gave out as soon as his feet touched the walkway. He dropped his phone to cling onto Bokuto's jacket, the small device skidding across the concrete. Luckily, Bokuto's strong arms kept him upright before his face smashed into the ground.
"Whoa, whoa! Easy there!" Bokuto said, holding onto him with ease. He helped him stand on his feet. "Your legs are probably stiff from the cold air. We should get coffee or something!"
Akaashi glanced up at Bokuto, his hands clenching onto the fabric of Bokuto's jacket. He stood up straight, his wobbling legs finally able to support his weight. But Bokuto kept a hand on his shoulder blade, his palm warm and secure.
"Um… I, uh…" Akaashi fumbled. "I have to g-get back home. Tobio is…"
Alone.
Akaashi felt the guilt eating away at him bit by bit at the horrifying realization that he had left his five-year-old son alone in his apartment. What in the world was he thinking?!
"Ah, no problem! I can walk you home," Bokuto said cheerfully. "And I can get you a coffee or something on the way."
Akaashi's brows pinched in worry as he knelt down to grab his phone. When he stood back onto his feet, Bokuto's hand went back to his shoulder blades, gently pushing him away from the railing.
"You don't need to do that," Akaashi said.
"Nonsense!" Bokuto said, taking a step forward. Akaashi followed as Bokuto's hand gently pushed him. "I know a great coffee shop around here! I always pick up something on my way home from volleyball!"
Akaashi looked at him with curious eyes. "Volleyball?"
Volleyball at this hour? Was it with his students?
But Bokuto nodded happily, not affected by the peculiar look on Akaashi's face.
"Some of my friends and I get together to play a few pick-up volleyball games. We lost track of time tonight, though. Got out pretty late!" He laughed and patted Akaashi's back. "Anyway, wanna go get that drink or coffee? I promise it's good!"
Akaashi hesitated, turning his head to look back at the railing behind him. He waited for the voice to come back and fill his ears with the same nonsense as before, but he only heard silence. The voice had disappeared.
Suddenly, Akaashi felt Bokuto's hand clench the back of his shirt.
He turned his head back to look at Bokuto, wondering if something was wrong. Bokuto's face was still bright with a smile, but his eyebrows were subtly lower and more pinched than before.
Akaashi sighed, relenting to Bokuto's face.
"Yeah, I'll give it a try," Akaashi said softly.
Bokuto hesitated for a moment, and then he lit up like a Christmas tree. His grip on Akaashi's shirt loosened, his palm flat on his back.
"All right!" he shouted. "Let's go get that drink!"
Bokuto's hand pushed him further away from the railing and guided him down the sidewalk. He described his favorite drink at the coffee shop, Akaashi listening to every word. He did not look back at the bridge again and Bokuto's right hand stayed firmly on his back.
Akaashi did not notice the tremble in Bokuto's left hand.