Chapter 9
"Oh! My name is Kageyama Mei."
The girl bowed her head, holding her violin and bow in her lap.
Akaashi bit his cheek when he saw a few strands of her hair fall into her face, but he schooled his expression when she looked back up at him.
"It's, um… nice to meet you, Kageyama-san. My name is Akaashi Keiji," Akaashi introduced.
Kageyama snickered at him. "I know that already. They announced your name, remember?"
Akaashi's face flushed red and he turned his gaze away to fiddle with his bow.
"R-Right," he stuttered. "I, uh…"
"Forgot?" Kageyama offered.
Akaashi smiled and looked at her once again. "Right."
Kageyama giggled again and scooted to the edge of her chair to study the music on their shared stand.
"Well, hopefully you won't forget how to play," she challenged.
Akaashi smiled playfully and also leaned forward to look at the vast selection. "I won't."
The first program of the year looked exciting, including a short piece by Ravel, a Beethoven piano concerto, and lastly, a symphony by Brahms. It was difficult and heavy music, but beautiful nonetheless. Akaashi briefly wondered if the conductor wanted to have a spectacular opening to the performance season.
The conductor stood up at the front and got the orchestra's attention, a smile on his face.
"All right, everyone! As you can see, we've got hefty works for the first program," he said. "But, I'm certain that you all can handle it. Am I right?"
The orchestra enthusiastically sounded off a collective, "Yes!" It made the conductor smile wider and he lifted up his baton into the air.
"Good. Then, let's start with the Brahms, shall we?"
Akaashi looked to Kageyama and nodded at her, leaning forward to open the page to the beginning of the symphony. There were some tricky passages at the bottom of the page, but it was nothing Akaashi couldn't handle.
He, along with the rest of the strings, lifted his violin to tuck under his chin, his bow ready. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kageyama doing the same, her sharp eyes focused on the page on their stand.
"Here we go," the conductor said, stilling his body.
The stage suddenly grew quiet as everyone anticipated the conductor's downbeat, their eyes locked on the baton in his hand. He had everyone's undivided attention. Everything was so focused that even the dust seemed to settle.
Then, the conductor lifted his baton and lowered it delicately.
Sound sprouted from the double basses and then blossomed out of the wind section, traveling until it reached the front strings. The stage vibrated, rattling a few stands as the brass played the lower notes.
Akaashi knew the melody well. He inhaled through his nose and then pulled his bow.
A familiar, beautiful sound hit his ear as he played, making him close his eyes as the notes naturally came to his fingers.
Brahms' symphonies were truly heavenly.
The passages became more intense, Akaashi playing through each note with precision and passion.
Ah, he thought. The flutists are crystal clear. And the trumpets aren't blaring.
Everything was so… beautiful.
They played until they reached the satisfying ending to the first movement, the conductor waiting as the last notes disappeared into the tall ceilings of the auditorium. He lowered his hands and smiled at the orchestra.
"Now, that's what I call a good sound," he said.
Akaashi lowered his violin as well and took a deep breath out, feeling slightly winded from playing an entire movement without break. He glanced up and around his space, his heart leaping in his chest.
The entire violin section was staring at him in awe.
He swallowed thickly, his hand fidgeting with the strings of his violin.
"Um…" he stuttered.
"Wow! Your sound is amazing!" one of the upperclassmen said.
"Of course his sound is amazing! He's an Akaashi, after all," another said.
Akaashi felt his face flush and he looked down at his lap, already overwhelmed. He gulped and then glanced over to Kageyama, wondering if she was acting more normal than the rest of the orchestra.
But Kageyama was staring at him with wide eyes, her violin still tucked under her chin. She blinked a few times at him, her eyes piercing.
"That was… really amazing, Akaashi-san," Kageyama said.
Heat flooded Akaashi's cheeks and his ears burned. He glanced away shyly, his fingers messing with the hairs on his bow.
"Now, now, it's the boy's first day. Don't go harassing him," the conductor said, interrupting the embarrassing flood of questions. He tilted his head to Akaashi and smiled at him. "You'll fit in here, Akaashi, my boy!"
Akaashi smiled shyly, still fiddling with his bow.
The conductor began to talk about the symphony and what he heard during the run-through, Akaashi listening with attentive ears. He absorbed everything he could from the man, his heart thrumming happily in his chest.
And next to him, Kageyama Mei was staring at him with wide, piercing eyes.
"Tobio's… mother? This is… his mom?"
"Mmn. That's her."
Bokuto stared down at the picture with wide eyes, studying the picture carefully. Everyone looked so happy in the scene, all with smiles and laughs. Even Akaashi had a smile on his face, and his arm was wrapped around an equally ecstatic Kageyama.
Bokuto studied her carefully, the way her black hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and how her blue eyes were sharp. They were squinted and shining in a way Bokuto recognized.
Then, he inhaled sharply.
"Tobio looks—" Bokuto snapped his mouth shut, sheepishly glancing at Akaashi out of the corner of his eye.
Akaashi nodded, quietly. His eyes looked tired.
"Mmn. You're right," Akaashi said. "Tobio looks just like her, doesn't he?"
Bokuto bit his lip and glanced down at the picture again. He shifted on the couch, his shoulder knocking in to Akaashi's.
"So… You guys met in college?" Bokuto asked carefully.
Akaashi hummed and nodded in response and let out a long sigh, slouching down in the couch and tilting his head back.
"Yeah. He even got her eyes. I can especially see the resemblance when he gets angry," Akaashi said.
Bokuto's lip curled up on one side. "Isn't that like all the time?"
Akaashi managed a smile and rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Mostly."
Bokuto relaxed back against the couch, letting his side rest against Akaashi. He placed the picture on his thigh.
"So, she… she was a musician, too?" Bokuto asked.
"Yep. That's how we met, actually. We sat next to each other in orchestra," Akaashi explained. "We got to hang out together a lot since we were in most of the same classes."
Bokuto turned his head to look at Akaashi softly. "What was she like?"
Akaashi paused, humming thoughtfully. He blinked at the ceiling and rested his hands on his stomach as he slouched further into the cushions.
"She was very passionate about playing. And very driven to practice a lot," Akaashi said. "She was… a good friend. And… girlfriend. At least, she was a good girlfriend for a while."
Bokuto twisted his lips, his brows pinching. "So… you guys dated?"
"Yeah. For almost two years," Akaashi explained.
"Wow," Bokuto said. "All the girlfriends I had never lasted that long."
Akaashi huffed. "I'm guessing they didn't see your charm?"
"What? Are you making fun of me?" Bokuto asked cheekily, a smirk playing on his lips.
"Not at all, Bokuto-san."
Bokuto nudged Akaashi's shoulder with his own and leaned back into the couch, staring up at the ceiling as Akaashi had done so before. He sighed softly through his nose as the room fell into silence. His leg bounced nervously as the obvious question hung in the air. He bit his lip and turned to look at Akaashi, practically swallowing his tongue when he opened his mouth.
"So… what happened with you two?" Bokuto dared to ask. He held his breath, watching as his friend's eyebrows twitched and lowered to rest sadly over his eyes.
"I…" Akaashi started, his hands fidgeting on his stomach. "Everything seemed fine between us. Until it wasn't."
Bokuto tilted his head to better see Akaashi's face, his brows furrowing.
"What do you mean?" Bokuto asked.
"We… We started dating our third year of college, and it was really fun and we pushed each other to do really well. We always, always supported each other's dreams," Akaashi said. "At least… it seemed that way until we started auditioning for orchestra spots."
Bokuto's eyes widened a little. "What happened, Akaashi?"
Akaashi's eyes shined and squinted, and Bokuto could see the pain written all over his face.
"I… I think I made her hate me."
Akaashi ran over the passage again, the notes almost feeling secure under his fingertips. The audition music was from the concert they had just played. It was the last concert of Akaashi's college career, and the orchestra had performed Tchaikovsky's 6th Symphony. Nicknamed "Pathétique," the piece had a very sad sound to it, but the Russian composer had made every note sound so incredibly beautiful.
It was a piece he would never forget.
"Almost there," Akaashi whispered as he moved his finger along the string. "Almost there."
He was just at the finish line of the passage. Every note had sounded perfect, the sweet, sweet sound filling his ears.
His fingers moved on the string, vibrating the sound.
Ah, he was almost at the last, satisfying note.
Just a few more notes and—
"You're practicing that again?"
Akaashi jolted, his fingers slipping from the strings and making the violin screech. He turned his head away from the music and to the door of the spare bedroom.
His girlfriend, Mei, was standing in the doorway with a hand on her hip and a strange look on her face.
Akaashi quirked a brow at her, lowering his violin to his lap.
"Yeah. I've almost got it, I think," Akaashi said.
Mei's brows lowered. "Almost? You've been practicing it forever."
Akaashi smiled, glancing back at the music. "I know. I just wanted it to be perfect for the audition tomorrow."
Mei folded her arms across her chest.
"It already sounds good enough," she said. "You'll probably move on to the next round."
"Mmn. And you will, too," Akaashi said, looking back at her with a smile.
Mei rolled her eyes and turned her head away, her folded arms tightening around her chest.
"Yeah. Sure," she said, her voice dripping with ice-cold sarcasm.
Akaashi's smiled slipped from his face as he studied his girlfriend. She seemed more hostile than usual, and Akaashi started to wonder if auditioning together for one spot was the greatest idea.
"Um… Mei, do you… do you not want me to take this audition?" Akaashi asked, tilting his head.
Mei suddenly turned to stare at Akaashi with big, startled eyes.
"No, it's… it's not that, Keiji," Mei said, looking down at the ground. "I want you to do well. Really."
Akaashi paused, unsure of what to say. He fidgeted with the bow, his fingers smoothing down the soft hairs. They had not really fought before, but things had been tense between them since they graduated.
The silence was uncomfortable.
"Sorry," Mei suddenly said, making Akaashi look up at her. She looked a little sad, lost even. "I didn't mean to snap."
Akaashi quickly stood to his feet, setting his violin down, and walked over to her. He rubbed her arms gently to sooth her.
"Hey, I know we're both stressed. But it'll all work out, okay?" Akaashi said. Mei looked up at him, a pout on her face. "If one of us doesn't win the audition, then so what? We'll still have each other."
Mei managed a small smile, and nodded, leaning forward to bury her face into Akaashi's chest. Akaashi squeezed her in his arms, taking in the sweet smell of her shampoo.
Man, he loved this girl.
"Fine, fine. You're right," Mei said, leaning back to look at Akaashi. "So, are you done practicing for now?"
Akaashi quirked a brow at her, a playful smile on his lips.
"Well, I could practice for a bit longer, but you said I sounded fine," Akaashi said. "Did you want to do something?"
Mei's brow twitched but her smile was enticing. She ran her palms over Akaashi's chest, smoothing out the fabric of his t-shirt. Akaashi inhaled softly at the touch, feeling heat rise to his cheeks.
"I might have an idea of something I want to do," she said, her hands moving slowly down his sides.
Akaashi smiled and wrapped her up in an embrace. "Is that so?"
"It is so," Mei said.
Akaashi smirked, leaning forward to kiss her nose.
"Shall we retire to the bedroom, then?" Akaashi asked.
Mei nodded, grabbing Akaashi's wrist to tug him from the spare bedroom to head to the master's. As soon as the door shut behind them, Mei pressed against Akaashi in a flurry of kisses, her hands moving down to grope him.
Akaashi pushed against her shoulders, feeling overwhelmed. He enjoyed the attention, but Mei's sudden mood change had him reeling. He could not keep up and it was making him dizzy.
"M-Mei, Mei," Akaashi said, finally forcing her to meet his eyes. "Let's slow down, okay? I still need to get a condom and—"
"No condom," Mei said, kissing his jaw.
Akaashi's eyes widened. "W-What?"
"I don't need it. C'mon."
Akaashi's eyes squinted, shimmering with desire. He held her shoulders more firmly, his brain finally caught up with what they were about to do.
"Are you sure?" Akaashi asked.
Mei nodded, her eyes also swimming with lust. Akaashi swallowed thickly and let Mei push him back to the bed to climb on top of him, both quickly shedding their clothes.
It was a long night that Akaashi would never forget.
The following day, Akaashi moved on to the next round of the audition.
Mei did not.
"Oh, wow," Bokuto said. "That's really… tough."
Akaashi nodded and hummed. Bokuto noticed his thumbs circling each other in a nervous dance. Bokuto wanted to grab them to stop his fidgeting. He resisted and instead moved to lean against Akaashi to make his presence known. Akaashi's shoulders sagged with his touch, and it made Bokuto feel a little lighter.
"I'm guessing she didn't take it well?" Bokuto asked after a brief moment.
Akaashi paused, his face pulling into a wince. "She broke up with me a week later."
Bokuto's jaw dropped and his chest felt as if it was caving in on itself.
"She just… dumped you? Just like that?" Bokuto asked.
Akaashi nodded. "I didn't even move on in the audition process after that round and I wanted to tell her that. I thought we could talk things over if she knew I didn't make it. I thought it would maybe make her feel better," Akaashi said. "But she changed her phone number and just fell off the face of the earth."
Bokuto thought he would have to pick his jaw up from the floor.
"She ghosted you? Seriously?! What the hell is wrong with her?" Bokuto asked, his hands curling into shaking fists. He could feel his muscles tense, causing pain to rise through his back and shoulders.
"She was hurt, I guess," Akaashi said.
"That's no excuse!" Bokuto said, whirling around to face Akaashi with anger in his eyes.
Akaashi did not seemed phased by his outburst, though, and he shrugged in response.
"Whether or not it was a good reason, she broke things off," Akaashi said, his gaze lowering.
Bokuto paused, his anger suddenly draining from his system. He looked to Akaashi sadly, his brows scrunching up.
"You… You really loved her, huh?" Bokuto asked.
Akaashi took a deep breath, his chest moving slowly as he sighed. He leaned forward from the couch and reached for the box on the table that he had grabbed earlier. After sorting through it for a moment, he pulled out a small, velvet box and handed it to Bokuto.
Bokuto's heart stuttered as he took the box from him, his fingers trembling as he snapped it open.
Inside sat a beautiful diamond ring.
Bokuto glanced up at Akaashi, eyes wide in shock.
"You… This…" Bokuto stammered.
Akaashi nodded, his eyes and face looking exhausted. "I was going to propose that weekend, but… it didn't work out that way."
Bokuto bit his lip, feeling his stomach churn uncomfortably. He had not realized how much Akaashi had fallen for the girl.
He suddenly felt anger bubbling in his chest.
If he ever had the chance to meet this girl, so help her…
"Anyway," Akaashi said, gently taking the ring back and pulling Bokuto from his thoughts. "She moved out of the apartment while I was gone one day and I didn't see her or talk to her for over a year."
As Akaashi placed the ring back into the box, Bokuto's anger dissipated. It was replaced with a tremor of fear that started at his chest and fluttered down to his stomach.
He recalled Akaashi's words from the night he coaxed him down from the bridge.
"I… I didn't even know he existed until he was six months old."
"Wait a minute," Bokuto said. "So… you saw her over a year after that?"
Akaashi leaned up from the couch, his face looking absolutely miserable. He hunched over on his knees and took a slow, trembling breath. It looked as if his lungs struggled to function.
"Yeah," Akaashi finally answered after a labored minute.
Bokuto leaned up, worry etched into his face. His hand hovered over Akaashi's back, wondering if he should take the plunge and lower it to touch him. Before he could make a decision, Akaashi began again.
"I was getting ready for another audition. I had made it all the way up into the final round, and it was between me and another violinist. I had prepared for over a year for the audition and I was ready for it," Akaashi said. He hunched over more on his knees and hung his head. "I thought that if I could win the audition, I could move past her and move on completely."
At his solemn words, Bokuto finally let his hand rest on Akaashi's back.
"So… did you?" Bokuto asked. "Did you win the audition? She wasn't there at the audition, was she?"
Akaashi swallowed, his lips trembling a bit.
"I didn't even make it to the music hall."
"Okay, got rosin, got a tuner… a water bottle. I'll need to grab that. Okay, I think that's it."
Akaashi packed up his violin and triple-checked his bag to make sure all of the audition materials were safely inside. His hands were trembling with nerves but he felt a small bit of confidence in his chest.
If he won this audition, it would launch his career as a performer forever. He would have a foot in the door. And the only way he could go from there was up.
He was ready.
He could do it.
This was his chance to do something that would make his father proud.
Akaashi took a deep breath, his hands resting on the smooth violin case. He said a silent prayer to whoever would listen, and then he stood to his feet. He walked down the hall and to his bathroom, making sure that his suit was in order. His tie was a tad crooked so he pulled it loose to start over. He could hear his father's nagging words in his head about his sloppy appearance.
Before he could even make one loop with his tie, the doorbell rang.
Akaashi quirked a brow as he turned his head towards the hallway. Was he hearing things? Was his father here? Was he here to wish him luck on his audition?
The doorbell rang again, startling Akaashi from his thoughts. He let his tie hang loose around his neck and he walked to the front door. He glanced down at his watch, making note of the time. He only had about two hours to get to the audition site before his time.
He sighed. If it truly were his father at the front door, then he would have to tell him to make it quick.
Akaashi grabbed the handle and pulled the door open, a sarcastic comment ready to jump from his throat.
But all words died on his tongue in an instant.
Kageyama Mei was standing outside his door.
"M-Mei?" Akaashi tried to say, but his voice was suddenly lost as his breath stayed stuck in his lungs.
Mei did not say anything back at first. Her lips were pulled into a frown so filled with disgust that she looked sick. Her blue eyes, those beautiful eyes that Akaashi had adored, were filled with hatred. He had seen that look on her before but never had it been directed at him.
It sent chills down his spine.
He cleared his throat and tried to speak again.
"Mei, why are you—"
"Wa-a…"
Akaashi lowered his gaze at the sound, his eyes widening.
It was a baby carrier.
Mei had… a baby carrier and…
Was there a baby in there?
Was that baby… Mei's?!
He glanced up at her, the shock apparent on his face. He opened his mouth again and startled when his voice cracked and trembled.
"Mei, who… who is…"
"I thought I'd introduce you to your son."
Akaashi paled.
Time seemed to skid to a halt as his mind went completely blank.
His stomach twisted like a wet rag.
What did…
What did she just…
The baby in the carrier babbled nonsense, and Akaashi tilted his head to peer inside.
The baby was haphazardly dressed in a onesie, the feet and sleeves crooked. He had some leftover food on his face and his small mop of black hair was matted.
"He's… my…?" Akaashi stuttered.
Mei said nothing as she marched past him and headed to the kitchen of their once-shared kitchen. Akaashi shut the front door and hurried after her, his mind still reeling.
Once in the kitchen, Mei plopped the carrier down on the floor next to the kitchen table. She kept her gaze lowered at the carrier, almost glaring at it.
"I've tried taking care of him for six months, and he left me no time to practice," Mei began, and it was the most words she had spoken to him in a year. "I don't have time to take care of him while I practice, and all of the nannies I've tried to hire quit because of how fussy he was. I've had enough of this."
Akaashi blinked at her, feeling his heart sink into his stomach. He glanced down at the baby, the boy sticking his fingers in his mouth and staring at them with curious eyes.
"Six months…? When… was he born?" Akaashi asked.
Mei sighed picking up a paper and slamming it on the kitchen table. Akaashi peered over at the table.
It was the child's birth certificate. He was born in December, and apparently she had named him Tobio.
While Akaashi liked the name, he couldn't help but feel out of place. He had not even been there to help name him.
He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about that.
"Why…" Akaashi found his voice again, slowly moving his gaze to meet her eyes. "Why didn't you tell me about him? Why didn't you call?"
Mei folded her arms across her chest, still avoiding Akaashi's eyes. She huffed out a quick breath, her hands gripping her arms tightly.
"I wanted to make it on my own. I wanted to get a spot before I called you. I wanted to—"
"You wanted to prove that you were better?"
Mei snapped her mouth shut and finally—finally—locked eyes with Akaashi.
And all of the air rushed out of Akaashi at once.
This was not the Mei that he knew and loved.
This was someone entirely different.
"So what if I did?" Mei mumbled, turning her gaze down. She huffed out an annoyed sigh. "Well, it doesn't matter now. I'm not keeping him."
Akaashi snapped his head up to stare at her with wide eyes. Mei ignored him, turning away from him and gathering up the rest of her things.
"What do you mean by that?" Akaashi asked, watching as she straightened her jacket.
"I got a new job and I don't have time to babysit," she said, moving further and further away from the baby. "He's yours now."
Akaashi blinked at her, his eyes nearly popping out of his head.
"Wait a minute, Mei. You can't just leave him with me," Akaashi said, moving to stand in front of her to block her path before she could leave the kitchen.
"I'm moving out of the country. I can't take care of him," Mei said, staring at his chest rather than his eyes.
"And you're just handing him off to me?" Akaashi said, raising his voice. "Mei, you can't do this! He's your child! You have to take care of him!"
"No. I don't want anything to do with him," Mei said, brushing past him and avoiding his eyes again. "He's under your care now."
"Wait a damn minute!" Akaashi yelled at her back, slamming his palm loudly against the wall, causing an echo and making Mei jump in place. Mei paused at the doorway of the kitchen, not daring to look back. "You're not going anywhere!"
There was a brief pause.
And then a whimper.
And suddenly, the tiny baby in the carrier began to wail.
Akaashi paled, whipping his head down to look at the baby, watching as fat tears ran down his pudgy cheeks. His heart sunk in the sudden realization that he made the baby—his apparent son, for crying out loud—cry!
"O-Oh, no," Akaashi mumbled, turning towards the carrier.
What should he do?
How do you even calm a baby down?
What was he supposed to do—
"I'm leaving."
Akaashi whirled back around, watching as Mei headed straight for the front door. His heart pounded as he watched her hand touch the doorknob, her hand opening it. He felt his anger rush back into him in a second.
"Just hold on a minute!" Akaashi snarled, his voice booming in the room.
Just before she opened the door wide, Mei turned to look at Akaashi with a vacant expression on her face.
"Goodbye, Keiji," she said, and she disappeared beyond the door and vanished out of sight.
Akaashi moved to take a step towards the door, ready to sprint after her, but the baby's cries grew louder as the child became more and more frightened.
Akaashi turned back to the carrier, watching as the child shook with wails and sobs. He was frozen in between the front door and the kitchen, unsure of where to move. And while his thoughts were running a mile a minute, it did not seem fast enough to keep up with the strange turn of events.
'I have to go after her!' Akaashi thought, looking back at the door. 'I can't just let her get away with this!'
He took a step towards the door again, but froze, his heart squeezing in his chest as heard the cries. He glanced back at the carrier, watching as the baby wriggled uncomfortably in the seat.
How many times had Akaashi been left alone without anyone to comfort him?
'A baby should never be left alone…' Akaashi thought sadly.
Akaashi huffed out an aggravated groan, his hands clenching into fists, and rushed back over to the carrier. He unbuckled the seatbelt and carefully maneuvered his hands around the wriggling baby's body.
"Um… shh, shh, it's okay. It's… It's okay," Akaashi comforted, unsure of how to hold him.
The baby continued to cry and Akaashi felt his heart sink.
How should he calm him down? If he kept screaming like that, he could pass out!
Akaashi cradled the baby close to his chest, letting the wet tears stain his suit and white shirt.
"Shh, it's okay. It's okay…" Akaashi glanced back at the table, remembering the birth certificate. "It's okay… Tobio. It's okay."
He rocked the baby in his arms while gently cradling his head in his hand. The baby opened his eyes, looking up at Akaashi with quivering lips. Akaashi wondered if he recognized his name.
"It's okay, Tobio," Akaashi said. "It'll be okay."
Little Tobio had reduced to hiccups. He was obviously still in a fragile state, but he was calm enough for Akaashi to move.
"Okay, Tobio. Let's go get your mother, okay?" Akaashi said.
Tobio sniffled in response, and Akaashi stood to his feet. He held the baby close to his chest as he hurried to the front door, whipping it open and rushing down the hall and to the main level. He ran out of the complex and glanced around, watching as cars passed by on the darkened street.
There was no sign of Mei.
Bokuto was stunned silent.
He could not believe what he was hearing.
He didn't know whether to be angry or shocked or upset…
All Bokuto knew was that his heart felt like it was tearing in two.
He glanced down at Akaashi, who was still hunched over on his knees. But now, the stress of retelling this story had caused him to bury his face into his hands, making his shoulders rise with tension.
It must have been painful to sit like that, Bokuto thought.
The hand on Akaashi's back slowly slid up to rub in between his shoulder blades. Akaashi shuddered at the touch, inhaling deeply into his palms.
"What did you do after that? Did you find her?" Bokuto asked, his voice almost a whisper.
Akaashi let his hands drop from his face and he shook his head. He reached up and carded his fingers through his hair a few times. Bokuto noticed that his hand was shaking.
"She apparently had left straight for the airport," Akaashi said. "She fled the country and hasn't been back since."
Bokuto's hand stopped its ministrations on Akaashi's back, his body frozen in time. The story was getting more and more out of hand. And Bokuto's anger was growing by the second.
"I didn't know what to do, so I called the police," Akaashi continued, pulling Bokuto back from his mind. "And they took me and Tobio to the hospital."
"Hospital?" Bokuto asked.
"Mmn," Akaashi hummed. "Since he was technically an… an abandonment case, they wanted to make sure he was okay."
Bokuto winced. "And was he?"
Akaashi grimaced and reached up to rub his eyes. He took a long breath, Bokuto feeling his back rise under his palm.
"He was a little malnourished," Akaashi explained.
Bokuto's breath hitched in his chest, his fingers tightening on Akaashi's shoulder blades. His body went rigid and he bit his tongue to hold back any curse or blatant scream of rage.
"Social Services were called and I was questioned by both them and the police. It didn't really get anywhere. All I could tell them was that I didn't know he was mine and I didn't know where Mei was," Akaashi continued. "I was at the hospital for almost 36 hours, I think."
"What? Did they question you for that long?" Bokuto asked.
"Mmn," Akaashi nodded. "And Social Services wanted to see the results of the DNA test to confirm that Tobio was really mine. It was… exhausting."
Akaashi groaned and covered his face, letting out another sigh.
"I completely missed the audition, and the other guy won the spot by default," he added. He huffed out a breathy laugh. "My dad was pissed."
At the mention of Akaashi's father, Bokuto felt the anger boil over.
"Yeah, well your dad is—"
Bokuto snapped his mouth shut, realizing that the next few words were probably not the most pleasant, especially with a five-year-old in the next room.
Akaashi huffed out another laugh, one more genuine this time.
"It's all right, Bokuto-san," Akaashi said. "I know my father is an ass."
Bokuto pouted a little. His description of his father was mild in comparison to what Bokuto had in mind.
"Thank you," Akaashi said suddenly, his voice cracking. The sound made Bokuto's heart leap, and when Akaashi turned his head to look at him, his heart sunk into his stomach. "For watching out for me."
While Akaashi had a smile on his face, his eyes were shimmering with unshed tears.
Bokuto's hand smoothed up Akaashi's back to grip his shoulder, and he leaned forward a little, scooting closer.
"Akaashi…" Bokuto whispered.
Akaashi turned his head away and waved his hand in the air. Then he wiped his face and sniffled a bit.
"I'm all right," Akaashi said softly, his voice trembling the slightest bit.
Bokuto gripped his shoulder. "Are you sure? We can stop talking about this…"
Akaashi wiped his eyes dry and shook his head, hanging his head.
"No, no. It's okay," Akaashi assured. "I can continue."
Bokuto's face tightened but he nodded. "Okay. So… what happened then? Did you just… take him home?"
Akaashi rubbed the back of his neck, a little sheepishly.
"I actually thought about giving him up."
"All right, Akaashi-san. It seems we've got all the information we can here."
Akaashi stood in the hospital room, his apparent son lying in a hospital crib next to him with wires attached his arms.
The baby was much calmer than he had been when they first arrived at the hospital. He had been a crying mess all the way there, but now, the baby was sucking on a plush fish that Akaashi had, for some inexplicable reason, bought at the hospital gift store. Akaashi supposed that in his moment of panic, he did what he could to calm the baby down. And so far, it seemed to work.
"What happens now?" Akaashi asked, looking back at the baby.
"Well, since he is an abandonment case, you have some options," the social worker said. "Since you have not been involved in his life, and the biological mother has not legally bound you to any obligations, you can relinquish your custody of him."
Akaashi snapped his head back to her, staring at her with wide eyes.
"I… I can just… give him to you?" Akaashi asked.
The social worker nodded. "Yes. All you have to do is sign some documents."
She shuffled through her briefcase and pulled out a few papers. She handed them to Akaashi along with a pen.
"Just sign your name in these few places and we can put him in the social services account," she said, still looking through her briefcase. She sighed when she couldn't find what she was looking for. "I think I left my stamp in the car. I will be right back. Just fill out the forms, okay?"
Akaashi nodded, watching her leave. He sighed and then glanced down at the papers in his hand. He flipped through the papers, looking for any possible loopholes or tricks. But he found none and, with a shaking hand, he began to sign the lines. When his signatures were too shaky, he huffed and moved the papers over to a table next to the baby's crib to continue signing.
Before he could sign his name on the last page, he felt his pen stiffen in his grasp.
Akaashi glanced up to see that Tobio had dropped his fish plushie on the floor and his tiny hand had grabbed Akaashi's pen. His blue eyes were wide, staring at Akaashi with curiosity.
"Um… sorry. This isn't yours," Akaashi said, gently pulling the baby's fingers off of the pen.
The baby's lip pooched out into a pout and his eyes shimmered. Akaashi felt his chest clench as a few tears spilled down his cheeks. He put down the pen and hurried to grab the fish plushie on the floor. When he rose back up to his feet, he heard the first tiny whimpers.
"A-Ah, no, no, it's okay," Akaashi said, gently lifting the baby into his arms. "Here. This is yours, okay?"
The baby stared at the fish, the tears suddenly drying. He reached out with his hand and latched onto the fish's fin, dragging it close to him and sticking it into his mouth. He glanced up at Akaashi, looking calm and satisfied.
Akaashi sighed in relief and moved to put the baby back down in the crib, but the baby fussed, latching onto Akaashi's suit jacket. Akaashi winced and leaned back up, bouncing the baby in his arms once.
"What's wrong?" Akaashi asked. "Don't you want to lay down?"
The baby just stared at him, his fish tucked close to his chest. And Akaashi sighed, still unsure of how to even talk to the child. He was only six months old, for crying out loud.
"All done with the—oh, my. Did he get fussy?"
Akaashi turned to see the social worker back in the room.
"Ah. I still have one more page left to do," Akaashi said.
The social worker shook her head and tsked playfully.
"You silly boy. Why are you giving him such a hard time, huh?" she cooed at the baby, her hands on her hips. She looked to Akaashi and put out her hands. "I can take him for you if you want to finish the page."
Akaashi nodded stiffly, not expecting the offer. He glanced down at the boy for a brief moment and then started to pull him away from his chest.
But then, he felt something grab his finger.
Akaashi glanced down at the boy.
And his heart squeezed.
The boy's hand was wrapped around his index finger.
Akaashi could see his little nails on each of his tiny fingers, and his chubby knuckles were white with how hard he was gripping him. His eyes were staring up at Akaashi, a slight hint of fear woven in the beautiful blue irises.
Why was he afraid?
Could he even comprehend what was going on?
Was he afraid of being…
…alone?
Suddenly, Akaashi was reminded of that long, long night in the hospital bed when he was sick with pneumonia. It was miserable and lonely.
And he never had felt more afraid in his entire life.
"Akaashi-san?"
Akaashi jolted, the baby jumping in his grasp but he did not cry. He glanced up at the social worker, seeing her staring at him patiently.
Akaashi swallowed, tugging the baby back to his chest.
"I… I've changed my mind. I… don't want to give him up," Akaashi said, the words flying out of his mouth before he could even think twice.
The social worker gazed at him. "You want full custody?"
Akaashi glanced back down at the boy, his eyes still peering up at Akaashi with wonder. It made Akaashi's chest flutter and tighten at the same time.
It was painful.
"Yes," Akaashi answered. "I'm… I'm his father."
The social worker paused, but then she smiled, a hint of understanding in her eyes. She slipped around Akaashi to grab the papers.
"Well, he is yours biologically. You have the rights to take him," she said, a playful smile on her lips. "I'm sure you will be a good father to the boy."
"Tobio."
The social worker looked at him, tilting her head. "I'm sorry?"
Akaashi managed a small smile, lifting a hand to cradle the baby's head.
"His name is Tobio."
"After I took him home, I nearly panicked. I had no idea how to take care of a baby." Akaashi huffed out a laugh. "I was such a disaster."
Bokuto's lips twitched into a smile. He felt butterflies in his stomach at hearing the story. It was all so sad but at least Akaashi felt that he could not abandon the little guy. Even with all of the hardships Akaashi had faced, he knew that it was probably the best decision he had made for the boy.
"My father called nonstop to yell at me about missing the audition and throwing my life away and all this stuff about being irresponsible," Akaashi said, straightening his back.
Bokuto's hand fell away from Akaashi's back as he leaned back against the cushions. Akaashi's eyes were red and puffy, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days.
"But I had already made my decision. He was my child and… and I didn't want him to be left alone," Akaashi said, his voice small.
Bokuto grabbed Akaashi's shoulder and squeezed, making Akaashi turn his head to look at him.
"You did the right thing, Akaashi," Bokuto said. "You're a good parent."
Akaashi blinked at him, taking in his words, and then he frowned. He turned his head to look up at the ceiling.
"Well, I thought I was a good parent. But I could barely provide for him," Akaashi said with a sigh. "Since I lost the audition opportunity, my father cut me off and stopped helping me pay for my apartment. So I had to find a job right away. And since there were no openings that accepted my degree, I had to work multiple jobs at convenient stores and moving companies."
Bokuto's brow furrowed in worry. "What did you do with Tobio?"
Akaashi pinched the bridge of his nose. "I hired nannies for him. But since I couldn't afford to pay them, they all quit one after another."
Akaashi dropped his hand and stared up at the ceiling, making Bokuto's heart jump in alarm. His eyes were blank and his expression was empty.
"I was also trying to practice when I got home from work, but I was too exhausted from my multiple jobs and taking care of Tobio that I just ended up sleeping," Akaashi said. "My… My skills started to deteriorate. And… And I was starting to wonder if I would ever have a chance to be a performer again."
Bokuto inhaled softly. "I bet you still sounded good, Akaashi."
Akaashi winced, shaking his head lightly. "Not good enough, Bokuto-san." He paused, looking miserable. "Never good enough."
"Akaashi, that's not true. You were brave and mature for taking in Tobio," Bokuto said. "You should be proud of yourself."
Akaashi hesitated, his face turning sour, and Bokuto thought he was going to cry. But instead, he leaned up from the couch cushions, his face scrunching up. He turned to Bokuto, something akin to trepidation in his eyes as he reached for the sleeve of his hoodie.
"After…" Akaashi started, his voice choking slightly. "After having my heart broken by Mei, failing the audition, and fumbling through being a parent to Tobio, I started having these… thoughts. And I was hurting all the time and couldn't sleep and… and I just wanted the pain to stop, so… so I…."
He took a deep breath, and with shaking fingers, he rolled up his sleeve and turned out his forearm to Bokuto.
Bokuto had to suppress a gasp.
His forearm was covered in white scars.
And he understood exactly what they were.
"Akaashi…" Bokuto whimpered, reaching out. He gently cradled Akaashi's arms in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over the particularly long scars.
"The thoughts, they… they scared me. They made me start to blame Tobio for taking away my dreams," Akaashi said with a shaky voice. "I know that it was never his fault. I chose him, after all. But I still had those thoughts, and the guilt of thinking that way was too much, and everything was so overwhelming and I…"
Akaashi's arm trembled as Bokuto ran his fingers over the scars. Bokuto glanced up at him and saw that Akaashi had his head turned away, as if ashamed to even look at the scars that marred his arm.
Bokuto suddenly felt his eyes burning with tears. He leaned down and pressed his forehead on Akaashi's arm, closing his eyes to prevent the tears from spilling.
It hurt.
It hurt to see that Akaashi had been in so much pain that he resorted to maiming himself in order to feel a release. An escape.
Bokuto wanted nothing more than to go back in time and hold Akaashi through it all.
Everything sucked. It just wasn't fair.
"My actions were nothing to be proud of, Bokuto-san," Akaashi whispered from above. "Instead of being a dad Tobio can be happy with, I've ended up being the same kind of worthless parent that I despised in my own father."
Bokuto lifted his head, eyes wide as he watched the tears streak down Akaashi's cheeks.
Akaashi looked as if he had given up completely.
"Now I can't even give Tobio what he needs. I've become just like him, just like my father," Akaashi said, shutting his eyes tight. "I've turned into someone who can't properly care for his kid."
Bokuto shook his head, trying to get Akaashi to stop before he said something that he would—
"I hate myself."
"No!" Bokuto suddenly shouted. He leaned forward and gripped Akaashi's shoulders, startling the fragile man and making his wet eyes shoot wide. "Don't say that, Akaashi!"
"B-Bokuto-san," Akaashi said, stunned.
"You're not worthless, and you shouldn't hate yourself!" Bokuto pleaded, shaking Akaashi's shoulders. He needed Akaashi to understand, to see. "You're doing what you can, Akaashi. And that's so, so amazing."
More tears spilled from Akaashi's eyes but he did not look away from Bokuto.
"But… I've caused Tobio so much pain. I've made him feel so lonely and I haven't shown him the proper love that he deserves," Akaashi whimpered. "I'm a horrible parent!"
"You're not!" Bokuto shouted, giving Akaashi's shoulders another shake. "Sure, you might've made some mistakes, but you've also done so much good for him! You took him in when no when else wanted him. Would your father have done that?"
Akaashi stammered a bit, caught off guard by Bokuto's sudden intensity. He looked off to the side, more tears spilling from his eyes.
"No, he… he wouldn't have," Akaashi said.
"Exactly!" Bokuto said, a smile pulling on his lips. He was surprised that he managed to keep the tears at bay. "See? You're nothing like your father. You have so much love in you, Akaashi. There's no way that Tobio doesn't see that."
Akaashi inhaled sharply, his chest stuttering as his lungs struggled to regulate his breaths. He lowered his gaze again, his forehead wrinkling. Bokuto rubbed the sides of Akaashi's arms, his eyes trailing to the marks on his forearm. He covered them with his hand, and he could feel the rough skin against his palm.
"So… So don't hurt yourself, okay?" Bokuto said. "It won't do you any good because Tobio loves you. You are so loved, Akaashi."
Akaashi's face relaxed slightly, a stray tear falling down his cheek as he glanced up at Bokuto.
"I hope you're right, Bokuto-san," Akaashi said softly.
"Of course I'm right, Akaashi!" Bokuto said with a wide smile while pointing his thumb to his chest. "You can trust my words, honest!"
Akaashi huffed out an amused breath and reached up to wipe his face.
"You're always so confident, Bokuto-san," Akaashi said.
Bokuto released one of Akaashi's shoulders to rub the back of his neck in an unusually timid fashion.
"Not always," Bokuto said, his smile still wide.
Akaashi opened his mouth to speak, ready to come up with a smart comment, but soft footfalls and a small voice made him suck the air back into his lungs.
"Daddy?"
Both Akaashi and Bokuto turned to look at the edge of the hallway.
Tobio was standing in his pajamas with his fish plushie clutched close to his chest. His eyes were red and his lips were wobbly.
"What's wrong, Tobio?" Akaashi asked, worry etched into his features.
Tobio sniffed, pushing his face into his little fish.
"I had a bad dream," he said with a slight crack in his voice.
Bokuto winced at his voice, but he turned to Akaashi and smiled encouragingly. Akaashi hesitated but seemed to get Bokuto's quiet message, and he smiled back at him, his eyes just as red as Tobio's. Then, Akaashi stood up from the couch and walked over to Tobio to scoop him up in his arms.
"Wanna hang out with me and Bokuto-san for a bit?" Akaashi asked.
Tobio looked up at Akaashi with wide, sparkling eyes, and he nodded his head quickly. Bokuto smiled as Akaashi walked back to the couch and plopped down next to him. He ruffled Tobio's hair and smiled at him, trying to get him to smile.
Tobio lowered his head as Bokuto ruffled his hair and his gaze traveled to Bokuto's lap. Something caught his eye and he pointed to it and tilted his head.
"Who's that?" Tobio asked.
Bokuto glanced down at his lap and saw the picture that Akaashi had handed him a while ago.
His stomach flipped in a bit of panic as he scooped up the picture turned it away from Tobio, smiling at the boy to hopefully get him to change the subject.
"Ah, no-nothing, Tobio! Why don't we—"
"Bokuto-san."
Bokuto's jaw clicked shut as Akaashi interrupted him, but he had a small smile on his face. He extended his free hand to Bokuto and gestured towards the photo. Bokuto blinked at him but then slowly handed the picture over to Akaashi.
With the picture pinched in between Akaashi's fingers, he flipped it over so Tobio could see.
"This is from when I was in college," Akaashi explained. He moved his thumb along the picture to point out the people. "These two were my friends. And this," his thumb tapped on the left side of the photo, "is your mother, Tobio."
Tobio's eyes widened and he snapped his head up to look at Akaashi with amazement written all over his face.
"Really?!" he asked.
Akaashi nodded. "Do you want to hear stories about her?"
Tobio nodded furiously, almost dropping his plush fish. And Akaashi gave him a tired smile.
"Okay. I can do that," Akaashi said.
He glanced up at Bokuto, his smile widening.
And Bokuto smiled back.
"Well, I'm gonna make some tea!" Bokuto said, standing to his feet. "You want some, Akaashi?"
Akaashi hummed and nodded, and Tobio let out an excited, "Me too!"
Bokuto chuckled as he saluted them in acknowledgment. Then, he walked into the kitchen, grabbing the kettle and a few mugs. He could hear the other two talking from the living room.
"So I met her in college. And she played violin," Akaashi said.
"Whoa! Just like you?" Tobio asked.
"Mmn," Akaashi said. "And she also played in the orchestra with me."
"Whoa."
Bokuto smiled as he poured water into the kettle and set it on the stove.
You're a good father, Akaashi, Bokuto thought. I hope you believe it one day.
He heard Tobio asking more questions in the next room, and it made Bokuto's heart soar. He poked his head around the corner of the kitchen and glanced into the living room, watching as Akaashi used his hands to hold an invisible violin. Tobio was copying him, watching his every move with great concentration.
Tobio's not the only one who deserves love, Akaashi. You deserve it, too.
Bokuto reached up to hold onto his shirt near his heart, feeling his chest squeeze.
And I'll be there to make sure you feel that way.