Chapter 13
"Bokuto-san, this isn't food."
"Ah, details, details."
"Beer isn't food. You said we were getting food."
"Yeah, but it still goes to the same place."
Bokuto happily handed over a few bills to the convenient store cashier, readjusting the bags over his shoulder. He smiled at the woman behind the register as she handed him his change and he bowed at her politely.
"Thank you!" Bokuto said, reaching to take the plastic bag.
"I can take the bag, Bokuto-san," Akaashi said.
Bokuto turned around to face him, happy at his offer, but he stopped short. Akaashi had bags under his eyes and his skin was reddened from how much he had been rubbing them. He looked small in his ruffled button-up shirt, his tie crooked and wrinkled. It was as if he walked into a windstorm.
Bokuto sent him a strained smile and readjusted the bags in his arms so he could carry everything.
"It's no trouble, Akaash'! I've got it," Bokuto said.
"But you're already carrying my things," Akaashi argued weakly.
"What, you saying I'm not strong enough to carry these?" Bokuto challenged, wiggling an eyebrow.
Akaashi's brows furrowed in response. "That's not what I'm saying, Bokuto-san."
"Then let me handle it! I want to carry these," Bokuto said.
Akaashi sighed, dropping his hand to his side and looking at the ground sadly. It made Bokuto's heart drop a little, but he quickly tried to shake it off. He had a task to do.
"Okay! To my place!" Bokuto said as he moved to march out of the convenience store.
He heard Akaashi sigh again behind him, the painful noise making his chest throb.
If Akaashi didn't make it, wouldn't it be my fault? Bokuto thought as he sucked his lip in between his teeth. He shook his head a little, trying to fling the thought away. No, no. Kuroo said it was a good call. I should just think that and it'll be fine.
Bokuto glanced over his shoulder to see the two trailing behind, Akaashi delicately holding Tobio's hand as they walked. Akaashi's eyes were glued to the ground, his gaze shifting over to his son every so often to make sure Tobio didn't trip.
But what if he's really upset this time? Bokuto thought nervously.
Will he fall apart?
Will he hurt himself?
What if he tries to…
Bokuto choked on a breath, his air stopping painfully in his chest. He turned his head back to face the sidewalk in front of him and held his breath. He could hear his heart pulsing in his ears loudly and his eyes stung.
Just focus on cheering up Akaashi, Bokuto thought. And then, maybe… maybe he'll be okay.
Bokuto glanced back at Akaashi and tried to smile.
"So, Akaashi," Bokuto called, getting his friend to look up at him. "The guys from our volleyball night are coming over to hang out and have dinner."
Akaashi blinked at him. "Oh. Is that so?"
"Mmn! Daichi'll be there, and Asahi and Kenma, too. Oh and maybe a few others," Bokuto said, thinking back to who all plays on the weekly meetings. "Oh, and Kuroo is cooking dinner."
Akaashi huffed a little. "Ah, will Kuroo-san be poisoning everyone?"
Bokuto hesitated, and then barked out a laugh when he realized that Akaashi had made a joke.
"No, no. Kuroo is actually really good at cooking," Bokuto explained.
"Ah," Akaashi hummed, a little distractedly.
"We're already going back to my place to hang out, but I was hoping that you'd stay and talk to everybody," Bokuto said, wincing at how desperate he sounded. But he turned to look back at Akaashi, giving him his best puppy-dog eyes. "You'll stay and hang out, right? It'll be really fun!"
Akaashi paused and glanced down at Tobio, who was staring at a stray cat that darted into an alleyway. Bokuto immediately picked up on his hesitation and was quick to fix the issue.
"Oh! Tobio can come, too!" Bokuto said. When Akaashi eyed the beer in the plastic bag in his hands, Bokuto shook his head quickly. "We're only having beer. It won't be enough to make us drunk. Nothing stronger, I promise."
Akaashi paused, and Bokuto could see him biting his lip thoughtfully. He swallowed, feeling that he was about to lose his opportunity. He came to a stop and faced him, his face turning serious.
"Please, Akaashi? The guys really like you," Bokuto said. "And Tobio will have fun, I promise."
Akaashi squinted at him, but he finally sighed and sagged his shoulders.
"All right, Bokuto-san. We'll come," Akaashi said. "But no rough-housing."
Bokuto beamed.
"You have my word!"
Failure!
Moron!
Idiot!
How could you even think that you would be good enough for something like this, huh?
Did you really think you would do well?
You're a fool if you think you could ever make it in the performance world!
Just go disappear!
Disappear!
Every time Bokuto stopped speaking, the voice would fill the void, attacking Akaashi's mind with every painful step he took. His heart seemed to sit heavily in his chest, weighing down on his lungs and diaphragm. It made his breathing sluggish and his body dense. It was as if gravity itself was against him and make him sink into the pavement.
He sighed as they turned the corner to head to Bokuto's apartment. Tobio was next to him, still holding his hand. The boy seemed to be sluggish, as well, and Akaashi was worried that this get-together would be too much on the boy.
It's your fault he's tired, you know.
Akaashi sighed, letting his shoulders roll forward and sag.
If you hadn't brushed off your father's words, then none of it would have happened.
You should've never auditioned today!
Never!
Akaashi sighed, mentally begging Bokuto to speak again so the voice would disappear. It was unrelenting, pounding against his skull. It was annoying. He felt like he was losing his mind, that at any minute he would just snap.
He needed to drown out the voice.
He needed to get it out of his head.
He needed to… to get a knife and shut it up—
"Akaashi!"
Akaashi flinched, almost violently, as a hand grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. He whipped his head up to meet Bokuto's worried eyes, his brows pressed together to form a crease.
"You okay? The light's red…" Bokuto said, nodding towards the road.
Akaashi looked around and noticed that they were at a crosswalk, the light on the other side of the road signaling to stop. He swallowed thickly, his heart suddenly beginning to race again. Was he about to have another panic attack?
"Are you okay? You really spaced out," Bokuto said, eyeing him with furrowed brows.
Akaashi took another slow breath, feeling his heart gradually relax into a steadier pace. He nodded to give him an answer.
"O-Okay. Well, if you change your mind about coming, then let me know," Bokuto said.
Akaashi nodded again. "I think I'll be fine, Bokuto-san."
And he meant it.
There was no way he should be alone right now.
And Akaashi knew that.
"Mmn. Okay, then," Bokuto said, his smile hesitant as the light turned green.
He led Akaashi and Tobio across the street and down one more block to the apartment complex. After a trip through the lobby and up the elevator, Bokuto pulled the door open, stepping inside and dropping off all of his and Akaashi's bags to the side.
"We're back!" Bokuto called as he pulled off his shoes onto the genkan. Akaashi followed behind him, tugging Tobio inside the door. He pulled off his shoes and then crouched down and helped the boy out of his own.
"Ah, welcome back," Kuroo greeted from down the hall, making Akaashi look up at him.
Kuroo had poked his head around the corner, his bedhead impressively worse than usual, and he waved a large knife in the air with a smirk on his face.
Akaashi felt his eyebrow twitch as the dangerous gesture, but he followed Bokuto into the kitchen. Bokuto rested the plastic bag down on the counter, Kuroo smiling as Akaashi and Tobio entered the room.
"Oh, you brought the little guy! And beer!" Kuroo noted, his eyes moving over to peek inside the bag.
"It's for later. And Tobio's here, so we can't go crazy with it," Bokuto said, placing his hands on his hips.
Kuroo rolled his eyes and turned back to the counter to continue cutting up the vegetables.
"Oh, please. The guys aren't going to drink that much," Kuroo said. "Besides, Yuu brought up something about playing volleyball tonight."
At the mention of volleyball, Tobio twitched at Akaashi's side, his head perking up and his blue eyes shining with more energy than before. At his little display, Kuroo chuckled.
"You can play, too, Tobio," Kuroo said.
Tobio nodded at him. "O-Okay! I want to be the setter!"
"Oho? Already a master at it, huh?" Kuroo asked, giving him a playful smile. Tobio nodded, making Kuroo laugh. "Of course you are. Well, I know you guys have had a long day. Take a seat on the couch or something. Relax."
Akaashi glanced over his shoulder at the comfy-looking couch across the room. It was so enticing to just sit and rest his legs. He felt as if he had run a marathon.
"Go ahead. Don't worry about us, 'Kaashi," Bokuto said, smiling at him gently.
Akaashi grimaced slightly. "But what about dinner preparations? Shouldn't I help?"
Kuroo waved his knife in the air, not even bothering to turn around to face him.
"I've got it. No worries, man," Kuroo said.
"Yeah! Kuroo can handle it," Bokuto said. He lifted up a hand to cup on the side of his face, his voice lowering to a whisper. "Besides, Kuroo doesn't like it when you interfere with his cooking."
"Oi, what'd you say?"
"Eeeh, nothing!"
Akaashi opened his mouth to protest, but as if on cue, he heard a tiny yawn next to him. He glanced down at his son and noticed him rubbing his eyes. Akaashi breathed deeply and reached down to grab his hand.
He supposed a quick rest wouldn't hurt.
"All right. Let's go sit down for a bit, Tobio," Akaashi said.
Tobio nodded mutely, and Akaashi led him to the couch. As soon as his body touched the couch, he sunk into the cushions and felt himself relax.
The couch was incredibly comfortable.
Next to him, Tobio curled up into his side, his head resting on his chest. His eyes were already shut and his little hands fell limp in his lap.
From the kitchen, Akaashi could hear Bokuto and Kuroo talking softly. Akaashi yawned slightly at hearing their soothing voices speaking in the kitchen, his eyelids growing heavy.
A rest after a long day was just what he needed—
You're a failure…
Akaashi felt his eyes sting and he quickly closed them, tugging Tobio closer to himself.
It's over… You're worthless.
Akaashi leaned down and pressed his face into Tobio's hair, a tear escaping.
You will never be on a stage ever again.
"I know…" Akaashi whispered, another tear leaking out just to slip into Tobio's hair. He hugged Tobio even closer and he let the exhaustion take over as he slipped into unconsciousness.
"I know."
"When are the guys coming over?" Bokuto asked after Akaashi left the kitchen, leaning on the counter to sneak a slice of one of the raw carrots from Kuroo's cutting board.
"Don't eat the food! It's for dinner, you dumbass," Kuroo said, smacking Bokuto's hand. Bokuto sadly dropped the carrot and pulled his hand back with a pout, cradling it like a child. Kuroo ignored his antics and continued chopping.
"Daichi called and said he and Asahi and the others would be here around 4. Yuu and Tanaka should be here sometime, but who knows with those two."
"Ah, right, right," Bokuto said.
Bokuto paused, drumming his fingers on the counter. He glanced back over at the couch, seeing Akaashi slumped over to the side. His brows knitted together as he tiptoed over to the couch, peering over the back.
Tobio was curled up in Akaashi's side, a little line of drool already sliding down his chin. Akaashi's eyes were closed, his neck bent over at an uncomfortable angle. His chest was moving steadily as his breaths came out in soft, even pants, and Bokuto could tell he was asleep.
Bokuto sighed sadly when he noticed the shiny tear tracks that coated Akaashi's cheeks.
He grabbed the fleece blanket from the other couch and carefully draped it around both of them. As gently as he could, he cupped Akaashi's face and maneuvered his head so that his neck was no longer bent awkwardly. Before he left them alone, Bokuto reached up and gently swiped away the tear marks from Akaashi's face, holding the air in his lungs. He breathed out softly in relief when Akaashi did not wake up.
When he was finished, he walked lightly back into the kitchen. Kuroo had turned around from the counter, his hand paused in his chopping.
"He asleep?" Kuroo asked, his voice is low.
Bokuto hummed. "Yeah. Tobio, too."
"Ah." Kuroo turned back to the counter and grabbed an onion, readying to chop it. "Is he okay? He seemed down when he came in."
Bokuto slumped down on a stool at the kitchen island, leaning down until his forehead touched the cool countertop.
"He's upset about his audition," Bokuto said.
Kuroo threw a surprised glance over his shoulder. "He got the results already?"
Bokuto moved his head side to side on the countertop, making his forehead redder. He sighed, his air fogging the surface underneath him.
"He just told me afterward that he thought he messed up," Bokuto said.
"Oh. Did he say why?" Kuroo asked.
Bokuto groaned softly, wanting to sink into the floor. "No. I didn't ask. He looked like he was about to cry, so I wanted to get him back as soon as possible so he could relax."
"Mmn," Kuroo hummed thoughtfully. He eyed his friend with a look that Bokuto couldn't decipher. "You're really bent out of shape about this."
Bokuto sat up from the counter and shot Kuroo an irritated scowl.
"Of course, I am! Akaashi was really upset about the whole thing," Bokuto said, his voice reducing to a whisper. "I can't help but think the reason he's so down is because of me."
Kuroo paused, his face serious. He even set down his knife and turned around, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back against the counter.
"Wow, you've really grown up," Kuroo said.
Bokuto quirked a brow strangely at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Kuroo shrugged a shoulder. "It's just… five years ago, if you were this upset, it was because you were concerned about yourself. Now, you're this concerned about someone else," he said. "It's just very mature of you."
Bokuto pouted and leaned down on the island again, sulking. Kuroo chuckled softly and ruffled Bokuto's hair, messing up some of the gel.
"Hey!" Bokuto said, covering his hair protectively.
"My boy's growing up!" Kuroo said, cheekily. He placed his hands on his hips. "And I wouldn't worry too much about Akaashi. He'll be all right."
Bokuto sat up straighter. "How do you know that?"
Kuroo smiled.
"Because he has us."
Akaashi came back into consciousness by a gentle shake of his shoulder. He startled at first and then blinked rapidly, trying to adjust his eyes to the mid-afternoon light. He felt someone standing in front of him, but his vision was still too blurry to see who it was.
"Hey, Akaashi. Dinner's ready."
Akaashi rubbed his eyes and looked up, surprised to see Kuroo standing in front of him. He sat up and blinked a few times, and Kuroo leaned back up, placing his hands on his hips.
"Well, good morning, sunshine," Kuroo greeted. "Or should I say evening?"
Akaashi sent him a weak glare before glancing around. Tobio was no longer on his lap, but he could hear quiet talking coming from the kitchen. Glancing over his shoulder, Akaashi could see the guys from volleyball night standing around the island, all chatting softly. Bokuto was sitting on one of the bar stools, and Tobio sat on his lap.
Akaashi breathed out softly and turned back to face Kuroo, the glare gone.
"What time is it?" Akaashi asked.
"A little after 5," Kuroo answered. Akaashi snapped his gaze up at him in alarm, but Kuroo only smiled at him, waving his hand up in the air. "Don't sweat it. You probably needed the rest. C'mon. Let's go eat."
Akaashi pushed himself up from the couch and followed Kuroo into the kitchen, a small blush on his cheeks. He hadn't meant to sleep that long.
"Oh, he's awake!"
Akaashi glanced up, seeing the familiar faces staring back at him, all with smiles on their faces. Bokuto was the first to perk up, his eyes lighting up when he saw Akaashi approach.
"Hey, Akaashi!" Bokuto greeted. "Did you have a good nap?"
Akaashi felt his ears burn. "Yeah."
"Here, have some food," Daichi said, handing him a full plate of delicious-smelling food. "Kuroo actually has excellent cooking skills."
"Is that a back-handed compliment?" Kuroo asked, an annoyed look on his face.
Akaashi immediately began to dig in to the food, tasting the rice and stewed veggies. His eyes lit up at the taste. It was surprisingly one of the best dishes he had ever eaten.
"Yeah! Dinner was really good, Kuroo-san!" Noya chirped from the side, ignoring Kuroo's grumbling.
Akaashi paused in his chewing and glanced around. Everyone else's plates were empty, only a few stray pieces of rice here and there.
"You guys already finished?" Akaashi asked, his mouth full of rice.
"Yeah, sorry! It smelled too good to wait," Noya said, smirking.
"Sorry, Akaashi. It was already done and you hadn't woken up, yet," Kuroo apologized.
Akaashi sent him a weary glare, resulting in a shrug from the other man.
"A-Ah, sorry! We wanted to wait," Asahi apologized. "B-But…"
Akaashi swallowed and waved his hand in the air.
"No, do not apologize. It's quite all right," Akaashi said.
"Oh, you forgive him and not me?" Kuroo asked, folding hid arms across his chest.
"Anyway," Bokuto said, pushing Kuroo's face away. "Hurry and fuel up! We're gonna play some volleyball!"
Akaashi swallowed another bite and quirked a brow at him.
"Now? Where are we going to play? Isn't the school closed today?" Akaashi asked.
"Ah, I'm a co-owner at the local rec center," Asahi explained. "My uncle does most of the work, though."
Akaashi hummed in response and stuffed his face with the last few bites of the food. He wished the experience didn't have to be rushed. Kuroo's food was really good. He wondered if he could possibly bribe Kuroo to make him more.
When he was done, his plate was taken from him, and he blinked rapidly to see Bokuto looking at him with a small smile.
"You ready to go?" Bokuto asked.
Akaashi inhaled, ready to respond.
You're really trying to ignore your issues with volleyball? You're a fool.
Akaashi clicked his mouth shut, his shoulders collapsing a little. He swallowed, a lump in his throat. He ended up nodding wordlessly, his gut churning with the delicious food he just ate.
Bokuto's face fell, his brows upturning in concern, but Kuroo hurried to throw an arm around his neck.
"Great! Let's get going!"
Akaashi hesitated, his fingers fidgeting in his lap.
Fool.
He sighed, forcing himself to move. He had to move if he wanted that voice to stop. And he had to keep moving. He had to keep hearing Bokuto's voice.
After putting the dishes in the sink, the gang put on their jackets and headed to the door. Akaashi helped Tobio put on his shoes, the boy standing impatiently as he tied the laces.
It only took a few blocks to get to the rec center building. Asahi had a spare key and badge to get in, and he led them to the gym upon entering. After Asahi had turned on the lights, everyone quickly got to work warming up.
Akaashi first helped Tobio out a bit, going over the basics of setting. Luckily, Bokuto helped them both out, which drowned out the sound of the voice for a while. Hearing Bokuto coaching was enough to distract his mind for a bit.
Once Tobio was getting too tired, Akaashi had him sit down on the sidelines to watch, and Bokuto immediately grabbed Akaashi and pulled them both to the net to practice spiking. Kuroo was not far behind, jumping up to block him.
"All right! 'Kaashi's on my team!" Bokuto called.
"Yeah, yeah," Kuroo droned. "All right. Let's pick the rest of the teams."
Akaashi stayed on one side, Bokuto on his team once again. He breathed out, suddenly feeling anxious.
You're going to mess up again.
Akaashi winced, his hands curling into fists. He could see Asahi about to serve on the other side of the net.
You're going to fail.
Akaashi gasped when he heard the signature smack of the serve, the ball careening over the net for Noya to receive.
"Ah, it's up!" Noya called.
"Akaashi, to me!" Bokuto called.
Ah, right.
He had to get the ball.
He was the setter after all.
Akaashi moved, keeping his eye on the ball. He put his hands above his head, ready to receive, and—
"He isn't fit to do something like this."
Akaashi gasped.
Why was something like that coming back to haunt him?
Hearing his father's words sent chills down his spine.
"Akaashi!"
Akaashi blinked back to reality just before the ball came into contact with his fingers. He managed to push the ball into the air, his hands flimsy. The ball barely made an arc, and it was far too low.
Oh, lookie there. You messed up, didn't you?
Bokuto leapt into the air and tried to smack the ball down, but it was easily blocked by the infamous Kuroo, who managed to slam it back down near Akaashi's feet.
For a moment, his teammates just stared at him with indecipherable expressions on their faces. Bokuto's face was twisted into something that resembled surprise, or maybe even concern.
But it didn't really matter. Akaashi felt horrible.
I told you so.
Akaashi bit his lip and bowed his head, hiding his face from his teammates.
"Sorry," Akaashi apologized, his voice coming out surprisingly small.
Bokuto was quick to get to his side and slap a hand on his back.
"No sweat, Akaashi! Let's just get the next one, yeah?" Bokuto said.
Akaashi nodded, and then turned back to the net to watch Asahi bounce the ball a few times. After another moment, Asahi threw the ball up into the air and smacked it hard, letting it soar over the net. Bokuto received it this time, and Akaashi ran underneath of it, setting it up into the air.
There! That one is much better! Akaashi thought.
Are you sure about that?
But then, the ball dropped to the ground with a thud.
Akaashi blinked at it and then turned his head to see Bokuto still too far back from receiving the ball earlier. He had been on his way to spike but he couldn't recover fast enough from his receive.
Did you not see him receive that ball? There wasn't enough time for him to get to the net, you idiot!
"S-Sorry, Bokuto-san!" Akaashi apologized quickly.
Bokuto hesitated, staring at the ball for one more second, before breaking out into a wide grin and placing his hands on his hips.
"No worries, Akaashi! I should've gotten that one," Bokuto said.
He's taking the blame for you.
"I'll get it next time!" Bokuto said, reaching down to grab the ball. He rolled it under the net for Asahi and then got back into position. "Let's win, okay, Akaashi?"
He can't win with you here.
Akaashi swallowed and nodded.
Why was this voice torturing him so much?
It was so, so loud. Even with Bokuto here, it still rang through and echoed all of his failures over and over again.
He just wanted it to end.
"Bring it, Asahi!" Bokuto shouted, spreading his arms.
Akaashi sighed and got back into position, begging the voice to stop so he could concentrate.
He didn't want to be a failure in Bokuto's eyes, too.
Kuroo helplessly watched Akaashi throughout the entire game from the other side of the net. He could tell something was off but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.
And whenever Akaashi messed up and apologized, Bokuto was quick to cheer him up with either a pat on the back or a quick high-five. He was all smiles and encouragement until he turned away from Akaashi. When Akaashi wasn't looking, Bokuto's face strained, worry lines etching onto his forehead. He looked pained and anxious, expressions that have no business being on his friend's face.
Kuroo sighed as he wiped the sweat from his forehead and neck with a towel. It was annoying how much Bokuto was getting worked up, and all because Akaashi was stressed. Akaashi's stress shouldn't hinder other people, dammit. Bokuto already had self-esteem issues, and he didn't need the added pressure. Akaashi needed to grow up and—
"Akaashi had a panic attack."
Kuroo paused, Bokuto's words striking him in his chest. It was a painful reminder that dispelled his bitterness in a heartbeat. And after a moment or two, it was replaced with guilt.
He remembered Bokuto coming home one night after hanging out at Akaashi's apartment for a few hours. His eyes were swollen and red, and his hair was limp. He was holding himself tightly and looked on the verge of bursting into tears.
When Kuroo asked was what wrong, Bokuto only said that Akaashi was having a rough day. He didn't go into details, but it made Kuroo curious. The way Bokuto had been acting, it made it seem like more than just one bad day.
The volleyball game ended with Kuroo blocking the final point by Bokuto, the ball smacking at Akaashi's feet again.
"Nice one, Kuroo!" Asahi congratulated.
Kuroo shot him a smile but quickly looked back at Bokuto and Akaashi. They were conversing softly, Kuroo unable to read their lips.
It made him furrow his brows. What in the world was going on with them?
"So, beer back at your place, Kuroo-san?" Noya asked, dipping under the net.
Kuroo forced himself to pull his gaze away from his other two friends and focused on Noya, who still had a ton of energy after multiple games. Kuroo placed a hand on his hip and smiled.
"Of course! You're all invited back to our place," Kuroo announced, which the group responded with a collective 'whoop!'
When Kuroo turned around again, Akaashi was retreating to the bathroom alone while Bokuto squatted down next to Tobio to talk.
Kuroo quirked a brow and ducked under the net, taking long strides to get to the bathroom doors. He pushed open the door to the men's room and immediately froze.
There was a choked sob barely hidden in the sound of running water.
Kuroo poked his head around the corner to see Akaashi hunched over the sink, his trembling hands gripping the sides. His eyes were narrowed and he was biting his lip, holding back the cries. There were no tears, but the dam looked close to bursting any second.
Kuroo swallowed and walked inside, letting the door close behind him softly. The click of the door startled Akaashi, making him snap his head up and stare at Kuroo with wild eyes. Kuroo held up his hands.
"Hey. Just came in to wash the sweat off," Kuroo lied.
Akaashi's stiff back relaxed slightly, but his eyes remained alert. His entire stance was a bit standoffish, making Kuroo feel a little intrusive.
Kuroo walked to the sink next to the one Akaashi was using and turned on the faucet. Kuroo's brows pushed together as he washed his hands. Akaashi seemed really shaken up.
Out of the corner of his eye, Kuroo saw Akaashi turn back to stare down at the sink, reaching to turn off his faucet. He leaned against the sink again and sighed quietly, his breath coming out in a shaky pant. Kuroo's eyes drifted from the mirror to Akaashi's hands, seeing that they were trembling.
Is he having another panic attack? Kuroo thought, pausing in scrubbing his hands. Or is he just nervous?
Then, something on Akaashi's wrists caught his eye.
And the sight made his heart do a complete flip in his chest before sinking down to sit heavily on his stomach.
Akaashi had rolled up his sleeves to his upper arms, revealing thin white cuts that littered Akaashi's left wrist. The lines traveled all the way to his elbow, some even curving around to his forearm.
The sight made Kuroo feel sick to his stomach. He knew Akaashi was having problems, but had he been hurting himself because of it?
Why had he never noticed this before?
And now that Kuroo looked closer, he realized that every time he had been around Akaashi, he had worn long sleeves, even during intense volleyball practice.
Just how long had this been going on?! How much did Kuroo not know?!
"Have you… Have you ever talked to someone who… wanted to kill themselves?"
Kuroo felt his body freeze over, his heart pounding. He remembered the night Bokuto had come home looking as if he had seen a ghost. And when Bokuto said those words, they stuck in Kuroo's mind like a tattoo, permanently embedded on his brain.
Kuroo felt his stomach swirling with guilt, wishing he had never had any of those angry thoughts.
He shut off his faucet and quickly wiped his hands on a paper towel. After he threw it away, he turned to Akaashi and slapped his back hard, making the poor guy stumble forward and almost smack his forehead against the mirror.
"W-Wha—Kuroo-san?" Akaashi said, finally speaking when he regained his balance.
"We're having drinks back at our place. So come," Kuroo said. He turned to leave the restroom, grabbing the handle of the door. "I'll make sure Tobio has something to do, so you can't back out of it."
He glanced over his shoulder, watching Akaashi stand stiffly at the sink, his eyes downcast.
But, to Kuroo's surprise, Akaashi nodded.
"Yes."
Kuroo threw him a smile. "Don't take too long in here or Bo will come searching."
Akaashi nodded again, and Kuroo walked out of the bathroom. He nearly ran into Bokuto, who was on his way inside.
"Oh, Kuroo. Did you see Akaashi in there?" Bokuto asked, pointing to the door. "I was gonna ask if he wanted to come over, but… I'm not sure if he would want to go…"
Kuroo threw his arm around Bokuto's neck and pulled him away from the bathroom.
"Already checked on him, dude," Kuroo said. "And he told me he would love to go."
Bokuto's eyes widened, a smile creeping onto his face. "Really?"
"Of course!" Kuroo said, happy now that his friend looked more relieved and relaxed. "He wouldn't miss hanging out with us, right?"
Bokuto smiled, standing tall and proud. "Of course not, dude! We're the best."
Kuroo smiled. "Indeed, we are."
"Hey, hey, pass me another beer, would ya?"
You're hopeless.
"Isn't this like your fourth one?"
"Don't underestimate Yuu. He can slam them back all night and never get drunk."
None of them even care about you, don't you know that? You're all alone.
"What's… drunk?"
"Don't worry about it, Tobio. You'll understand when you're older."
And you will always be alone.
Akaashi shivered as he finished his second beer, his cheeks starting to redden. He stood in the kitchen next to the island while watching most of the volleyball gang sit around the coffee table in the living room. Some of the others were walking about, but a majority of them were conversing there.
Even his own son had left him in the kitchen to go sit in Bokuto's lap. But Kuroo was playing the Fukudoroni practice matches on the TV, which grabbed Tobio's attention in a heartbeat.
Even Tobio has abandoned you.
The rest will do the same.
Why not just leave now and save them all the trouble?
Akaashi sighed as he threw his beer bottle into the recycling bin, and then he opened the fridge to grab another. He popped off the cap and took a long swig, letting the alcohol infect his mind and make the voice fizzle out until his head was foggy.
He glanced back into the living room, his eyes landing on Kuroo.
Kuroo.
The look on his face at the gym bathroom… and Akaashi's sleeves had been rolled up…
He had been caught.
Kuroo had seen.
Akaashi slammed back the rest of the bottle, trying to drown out any and all invasive and intrusive thoughts. He wanted it all to be silent tonight.
Once was he feeling officially buzzed, and once the voice had ceased for now, Akaashi hugged the empty bottle to his chest and glanced down at the island counter. The alcohol had made his chest warm but his body heavy, and his eyelids threatened to close.
But he did not want to sleep.
Not on a night like tonight.
"Oh, hey, Akaashi."
Akaashi looked up from the counter to see Daichi come into the kitchen, a few empty beer bottles in his hands.
"Ah. Hello, Sawamura-san," Akaashi greeted back.
Daichi inched forward to throw the bottles in the same recycling bin, his mouth frowning in concern.
"Geez, man. Are you all right?" Daichi asked.
Akaashi blinked at him, suddenly feeling stricken. Did it look obvious? He tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, making sure it covered his wrist.
"What do you mean?" Akaashi asked.
Daichi folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the nearby wall.
"I mean, you don't have to stick around here if you're tired," Daichi said.
Oh. So that was what he meant.
"Ah. No, I'm okay," Akaashi answered.
"You sure you don't want to head to bed? You look exhausted," Daichi commented, his brows creased a little in concern.
Akaashi nodded, still holding onto his beer bottle. He wouldn't dare tell Daichi that on nights like this, he rarely got to sleep. It reminded him of the days when he first got Tobio, and he dreaded going to sleep because he had nothing to look forward to in the morning. There was nothing worth waking up for, so why bother going to sleep?
But he wasn't going to tell Daichi that.
"I'm fine," Akaashi finally answered.
Daichi hummed thoughtfully and nodded. "All right. Well what about your boy? It's getting kind of late, isn't it?"
Akaashi glanced over in the living room to see Tobio sitting next to Noya, talking and pointing to something on the TV. He seemed happy, and very much full of energy.
"I don't want to interrupt his fun. Tomorrow is Sunday anyway, so he can sleep in," Akaashi said, looking back at Daichi. "Thank you for your concern, Sawamura-san."
Daichi nodded, clasping a hand on his shoulder. "No problem. Just take it easy, yeah?"
And with those parting words, Daichi left to join the others in the living room, leaving Akaashi alone in the kitchen area. He turned around and leaned against the island, staring down at his empty beer bottle.
What in the world was he doing here anyway?
Getting drunk with his son in the next room?
It really was like how it used to be. He was spiraling back into the person he hated.
Suddenly, Akaashi's phone buzzed in his pocket, startling him from his thoughts and almost making him drop his beer bottle. He slipped his hand inside his pocket to grab it and he turned the screen on. His heart nearly broke from his chest when he saw the notification.
It was an email from the director of auditions.
It was the results of the audition.
But he wasn't expecting to get the results back for a few days!
Did they already rule him out as a possible candidate?
Is that why they were emailing him already?
The alcohol immediately flushed from his system at the thought, and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Akaashi felt the blood drain from his face as his thumb hovered over the "open" option. He bit his lip, trying to stop the shaking. Should he really open this now? Where other people could see him be a failure?
"Akaashi!"
Bokuto's voice made him flinch, and he turned to see the man standing right next to him. When in the world did he sneak into the kitchen?
"Whatchya doing, Akaashi? You're over here all by yourself," Bokuto asked, peering over his shoulder. "Hey, what's that?"
Akaashi stiffened, looking down at the email notification on his screen. He took a deep breath and steeled himself.
"I think it's the results of the audition today," Akaashi answered.
"Really?!" Bokuto shouted, moving to stand closer. "Well, what did it say?"
Akaashi bit his lip and shrugged. "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?!"
"I haven't opened it, yet."
Bokuto paused, his brows furrowing sympathetically. "Are you nervous?"
Akaashi knew the answer to that one.
"Yes," he said, looking back down at his phone. "I'm scared to see what it says."
"What's the worst that could happen?"
Kuroo suddenly appeared next to them, opening up the fridge to grab another beer. He turned to them and placed his free hand on his hip, looking at Akaashi with a relaxed expression.
It was irritating to look at.
"I don't want to read that I've failed when I worked so hard for it," Akaashi said.
"What's wrong with failing?" Kuroo asked.
Akaashi's eyes widened at his comment, the anger that was growing inside of his chest stopping and fading.
"Kuroo!" Bokuto whispered loudly, but Kuroo waved him off.
"What? Seriously, what's wrong with failing?" Kuroo asked, opening his arms up wide. "If all you do is succeed, then how do you grow as a person? You have to lose sometime or you'll never flourish."
Akaashi felt the anger weakly trying to fight back as he hung his head.
"All I've been doing is failing," Akaashi said softly.
Bokuto touched his shoulder, concern written on his face. "Akaashi…"
"Now you know that's not true," Kuroo said.
Akaashi raised his head to peer up at Kuroo's face. He nodded in the direction of the living room, and Akaashi turned his gaze around to look at the couch.
Tobio was talking to Daichi, Asahi, and Kenma. He couldn't clearly make out what Tobio was saying, but he was gesturing with his arms wildly. It was probably something about volleyball.
"You raised that kid all on your own," Kuroo said, pulling Akaashi back into the conversation. "And he's turned out to be one of the good ones."
Akaashi's eyes stung as tears prickled along his waterline. He turned his head away from the couch and lifted a hand to press his fingers to his eyes, preventing the tears from falling. He could feel Bokuto move closer, his arm wrapping around his shoulders.
"You can't call yourself a failure when you've got the greatest proof of success right before your eyes," Kuroo said.
Akaashi's breath hitched, and Bokuto's arm held him tighter. He swallowed down the sobs and sniffled, dropping his hand from his face. He glanced up at Kuroo, who was smiling gently at him.
"Thank you, Kuroo-san," Akaashi said, a few stray tears running down his cheeks. He blamed the alcohol for being so loose with his emotions.
Kuroo's smile widened, and for a moment, he looked like he could be a truly caring guy. But that moment only lasted for a second when his lips curled into a smirk.
"So, are you gonna be brave or am I going to have to read that email for you?" Kuroo said.
Akaashi took it all back.
Kuroo was seriously a pain in the ass.
He shot him a harmless glare and wiped his face, looking down at his phone. He took a deep breath before opening it, his eyes skimming over the contents.
Dear, Akaashi Keiji,
Thank you for your lovely audition today. We are here to inform you that you have passed the first round. The second and final round of auditions will be held in a month's time on the following date…
Akaashi blinked down at the phone in his hands. He reread the email again, and when he came upon the same words, he found that he couldn't breathe.
He… passed?
He really… truly… passed?
"Well? What's it say?"
Akaashi blinked and glanced up at Bokuto and Kuroo who were staring at him with concerned eyes. He took a deep breath, his hand gripping the cell phone, and barely got the words out.
"I… I made it."
Both Kuroo's and Bokuto's eyes widened, and for a moment, they were both speechless.
"You… made it?" Kuroo asked.
"Does that mean you…?" Bokuto started.
Akaashi nodded, his heart feeling like it might explode.
"I get to move on to the next audition."
There was a pause.
And then Kuroo and Bokuto erupted into boisterous cheers, both of them grabbing onto Akaashi and lifting him up into the air. He grabbed onto their shoulders to balance himself.
"I knew you could do it, Akaashi!" Bokuto yelled, pressing his face into Akaashi's shoulder.
"I knew it longer than you, idiot," Kuroo said.
"Oi!" Bokuto barked back, pouting.
"Hey, hey! What's all the commotion?" Noya asked from the couch.
Kuroo and Bokuto put Akaashi down on the ground, Akaashi staggering for a moment before regaining his balance. Then, Kuroo threw an arm around Akaashi's neck, making him stumble even more.
"This guy just passed a major audition and gets to move on to the next round," Kuroo said.
The volleyball members all sat up and smiled, each congratulating Akaashi with high words of praise.
"Way to go, Akaashi!"
"That's awesome!"
Akaashi felt his cheeks burn with their words.
Once again, Bokuto had saved him. By bringing him closer to all of these new people, Bokuto had brought more meaningful friendships into Akaashi's life.
And perhaps that was worth waking up for.
"Daddy?"
Akaashi glanced down to see Tobio standing in front of him, giving him the most attention he had all day.
"You did it?! You passed it today?!" Tobio asked, tugging on Akaashi's pants.
Akaashi's eyes watered.
And he smiled down at his son.
"Yes," Akaashi answered breathlessly.
Tobio beamed, his lips widening into a precious smile. He lifted his arms up and jumped into Akaashi's chest. Akaashi caught the boy and snuggled him close.
Bokuto leaned close and ruffled Tobio's hair. "See? Isn't your daddy the best?"
Tobio nodded and laughed, pressing his face into Akaashi's chest. Akaashi glanced up at Bokuto and smiled at him.
"Thank you, Bokuto-san," Akaashi said.
Bokuto hesitated only for a moment before he stood tall, placing his hands on his hips.
"Of course, 'Kaashi!" Bokuto said, smiling brightly. He reached up to rub the back of his neck. "So… what's next?"
Akaashi glanced down at the email on his phone, rereading the instructions.
"Well, I have an interview with the committee," Akaashi explained. "And then one more audition."
Bokuto blinked at him for a moment, his arms folding across his chest.
"So… if you pass both of those, then…" he started, and Akaashi nodded.
"Yeah," Akaashi said. "I get the position."