Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Harry Potter Universe, only my own plot line.
"I think it is time for breakfast." Harry mumbled, starting to walk to the common room door. I mumbled an agreement as Ginny and I followed him to the door.
"Do you think Ron will be there?" I hoped I could clear the air quickly. As soon as he decides one way or another how he feels, it's almost impossible to change his mind. It's one of the reasons as to why he is so loyal.
"Is that even a question. He has been complaining about being hungry since he was born." Ginny scoffed, rolling her eyes.
It was a fair walk from the seniors tower to the Great Hall, subsequently giving a lot of time for reflection. Harry and Ginny ended up a little ways ahead, leaving me in contemplative silence.
I don't know what I expected from Malfoy, but it certainly wasn't what I had just witnessed. Maybe I thought he would be his same self. Or maybe I thought that he would be far more demure and removed considering his and his family's actions in the war. But instead of either of those, he had matured into a normal functioning young adult. I suppose I never thought the cruel Malfoy I knew was ever capable of maturing, but as always, hindsight shows how obtuse my thinking can be sometimes. And Ron! What am I to think about him? Or say to him? Its not like me to rub salt in wounds, but I will if he still doesn't get the point. I will always want him in my life. Harry for that matter too. But not in the way he wants. He was one of my best friends before and can still be after but he is hanging on to some childhood delusion. We aren't the best for each other. We're volcanic. We argue to no end and disagree on almost everything and that is what makes our friendship interesting and our relationship toxic.
This whole deliberation is going to drive me crazy. I will set him straight and if he doesn't get it then, I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I will have to ignore him until he comes to terms with it.
The great hall was full and messy by the time we arrived and as usual Ron had a plate in front of him piled sky high. Harry and Ginny sat themselves next to him, as I tentatively walked up to the seat opposite him. I couldn't help but be nervous. I had gone weak at the knees every time I saw his baby blue eyes since first year. Now, they are just the baby blue eyes of my best friend.
"Ron, can we talk?" I looked directly at him. I haven't backed down in the past and I will not back down now. He heaved a sigh.
"Let's go outside." He grabbed a couple waffles before standing up and making a bee line for the doors. Struggling to keep up, I sped alongside the tables, rushing out the doors after him.
I found him standing at the bottom of the front steps. I walked ahead, indicating that we should walk and talk.
"What's going on, Ron? I thought we had this all sorted out already." I felt a little desperate, we ended things long enough ago that this should no longer be a problem. Then he snapped.
"This wasn't how things were supposed to be, Hermione!" I stopped and stared as he started to pace back and forth underneath the trees beside the lake. "We were supposed to help Harry so that he could win the war and then he and Ginny could be together and so could we. And that would be the end of it! We would be happy together forever Hermione."
"Why, Ron? Why did it have to be that way?" He stopped pacing, facing away from me, breathing hard and listening. "We aren't good for each other, we tear each other down, rather than build each other up! It was great for a while but it deteriorated. I thought you understood?" I could feel my face growing hot. He could be so dense sometimes.
"Understand what?" He whipped around to face me, his face as red as mine felt. "That I loved you and wanted a future with you in it? That you decided to throw me to the side without any reason that we couldn't sort out? That I still love you and want you in my life?" He stood close to me, his hair mussed up from balling his fists in it.
"God, Ron," I took a step closer and put my arms around him. "I still love you and want you in my life as well, but not in that way. You are always going to be my best friend but I can't love you the way you want me to." I sighed. I could feel tears start to prick at the corners of my eyes.
He took a deep breath before stepping back and sitting down on the grass. I sat next to him, not touching, looking over the lake.
"What is it then, Hermione? What is it about me that isn't good enough?" He looked away, trying to hide his face, his voice thick.
"Its not a matter of whether or not you are good enough, Ron. You are plenty good enough. You were just made for someone else, not me. The same way I was made for someone else. If we had tried to fight through it and stay together, it would have left us miserable and what would we do if we were married or had children? It is so much easier to make that decision now." He still wouldn't look at me.
"But I feel like we are made for each other and could sort out our issues, Herm." He finally looked at me, his eyes ringed in red.
"But Ron, we argue like it's the air we breathe! When two people have such fundamental differences, like we do, it means that any relationship is going to be unhealthy. Its great for our friendship, we can challenge each other to think beyond our beliefs, but a relationship needs to have the same fundamental beliefs and balance. Do you see yet?" I almost wanted to pull my hair out.
"No, I don't. I don't see what's so fundamentally different between us, Hermione. And I don't know if I ever will." His voice held a sort of detachment, his face blank. "I think it would be best if we stayed away from each other for a while." He looked away.
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean we should stay away from each other Hermione. I don't know how I can be around you everyday and know that you don't want me." He started to stand.
"But, we have the same friends Ron, how can we stay from each other without staying away from Harry and Ginny?" I didn't understand how he thought this was going to work. We share a common room for Merlin's sake.
"You'll figure it out Hermione, you always do."
I watched his figure as he walked into the castle, never once looking back.
I sat under the willows, feeling dejected. Losing one of your best friends has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. When someone dies, its devastating, but you can grieve and attempt to move on. When they are still alive and walking around, it hurts because you will always see them and know that you can't do anything to change the circumstances. You have to live with the knowledge that they walked away from you. I don't know how I am going to be able to see him every day, in almost every class, every meal, and every night before bed, and know that I won't be able to be around him in the same way I always have.
Feeling at a loss, knowing that I wasn't going to be able to study in my mood, I decided to go to Hogsmeade.
The walk was a quiet affair that allowed me to put my thoughts into some, discernible order. I decided that it was okay for Ron to need space. It would give him time to work out there are bigger fish in the sea. I need to work on getting my N.E. and then work on my career before I even start to think about who I am going to spend forever with. I am almost impressed by Ron's assertions because even I can't think that far ahead.
Focusing on Hogsmeade, I decided to go to Scrivenshaft's Quill shop. I wouldn't normally spend money on just anything but there was something magical about the stationary shop. I also happened to need more supplies.
The bell tinkled as I stepped into the room. This store is different from most of its wizarding counterparts in that it was neat and ordered and clean. Most of the stores you step into in the Wizarding community were haphazard, untidy and covered in a layer of dust. It gave me a sense of peace knowing that there was at least one place in this crazy world that fits my needs and soothes my soul.
Stationary had become my obsession from a young age, starting with coloured markers and stickers, but gradually moving to gorgeous, leather-bound, gold-embossed notebooks and swan feather quills. It truly is the simplest things in life that can make you happy.
Taking a cursory look around, I tried to decide where to start exploring.
"Hello, my dear, its been a while." Came an old voice said from the back of the store.
"Hi Balb, it has, hasn't it." I smiled, sadly. Balbina Scrivenshaft was the caretaker of the store, having it handed down to her through the generations, not to mention that she was the kindest old woman I have ever met. She had helped me through many of my down periods, mostly the ones involving Ron. She stepped slowly towards me, as if she already knew what was on my mind.
"I'll put a pot on while you grab the things you need and then we can sit a talk. How does that sound, hm?" Her soft eyes twinkled in a way I hadn't seen in a couple of years. I could only nod.
I walked around, brushing my hands over the notebooks and the quill feathers, trying to reign myself in, in more ways than one. I settled on some more rolls of parchment, a green coloured inkwell, another standard quill and I splurged on a particularly pretty notebook. I stacked the items on the counter to pay for later and moved into the back of the store to see if Balb needed any help.
"Take a seat, dearie, and tell me what's on your mind." She shuffled around putting sugar, milk and treacle tarts on the small table.
"Ugh, who else could it be?" I sighed, slumping into the armchair beside the table.
"The youngest Mr Weasley, I presume?" She lifted a knowing eyebrow, sinking into the opposite armchair.
"We broke up, Balb. A little while ago too and he just can't let it go!" I didn't realised how emotional I was about it. I felt desperation edging into my consciousness. I took a deep breath, calming my emotions.
"Give him some time. You are an exceptional witch and it's going to hurt having you reject him." She coaxed gently. My eyebrows went up at her comment.
"Reject? I didn't reject him, Balb. We don't work. We…we…we can't be a we." I have never been so lost for words. Ron has always had an impact on my psyche, it's almost as if I've needed and still need his approval. Ever since that first day on the train, going to Hogwarts for the first time.
"You may not think it is rejection, but he will. And only time heals that, trust me on that one. If I know anything about the world, its that in love, nothing is rational." Her face changed and she was a world away.
"I know, its just so hard in the moment. I'll get past this as I have everything else." I was confident in that fact, my worry was for how long it was going to take this time round. "Sorry, I've been so selfish. How are you holding up?" I suddenly remembered. Balb's husband's name was on the list of those killed during the Death Eater's raid on Hogwarts.
"It gets lonely here, but there is no where else I would choose to be." She patted my hand with a sad smile.
We sipped the tea and ate the tarts, reflecting and telling stories. There was something comforting about being around a person that has lost as you have and has far more wisdom to share in terms of it. Paying for my things, I made my promises to come visit as often as I could.
The walk back gave me even more time to think. I couldn't spend any more mental energy on Ron, though. I was thoroughly drained, but my brain wouldn't stop. Looking around for inspiration, I looked up at the looming castle. So much had been destroyed but now, you couldn't tell. It had been repaired so beautifully. There was one area of the castle, though, that couldn't be repaired. The Room of Requirement. Crabbe had destroyed it and himself when he cast the fiendfyre. Surely though, such an old, magical entity couldn't be so easily destroyed? That magic has been around for far longer than most magic we know now. I wonder if there are records anywhere about it's existence? There are rumours that Rowena Ravenclaw herself created the Room of Requirement. If that is true, she would have written her notes on her process somewhere. Now, where would that be, if it is possible?