Chapter 16
"Goodbye, Keiji."
"Are you really satisfied with this Keiji?"
"And instead of performing with the top musicians in the country, you're stuck with that… that child."
"What do you mean you don't know if you can get them done? I need those parts ready to rehearse tomorrow morning."
"What in the hell is keeping you from doing your job?"
"Those are for orchestra members only. Put it away before you break it."
"Disgraceful."
"I hate you!"
"Goodbye, Keiji."
"I wish you weren't my dad! I hate you!"
"Goodbye, Keiji."
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
"Ah, here he is!"
Akaashi startled, almost violently. He blinked rapidly as he glanced around.
He found himself in the music hall auditorium, the audience lights off but the stage lights on.
How did he get on the stage? Did someone force him up here?
Wait a minute, where was—
"Akaashi-san."
Akaashi startled again, the three judges on the panel staring at him with kind smiles. Thankfully, they hadn't noticed his panic, but that thought did little to calm Akaashi down.
The owner waved his hand, motioning for him to move forward.
"Come, come!" the owner said, smiling brightly. "Come play for us, boy."
Akaashi tried to comprehend his words. Play? He has to play for them?
Haha, do you even remember why you're here?!
Akaashi winced at the mocking voice.
He shifted, and that was when he felt the violin in his hand. He glanced down at it, the instrument suddenly feeling foreign in his grasp.
Oh, right. He was auditioning.
He was auditioning for the violin job.
And if he won the audition, he would get the job. The job he had always wanted.
"He passed out at practice and he's going to the hospital."
Akaashi sucked in a breath, his legs quivering and trembling so badly that he thought they would give out underneath of him. He couldn't breathe, and his stomach was twisting and writhing, threatening to expel what little he had eaten that day.
Oh, that's right. Little Tobio is in the hospital.
And you're here.
Wait a minute. He couldn't stay here.
He had to get to the hospital, right?
He had to go be with—
"So you can continue with your audition and just come to the hospital after."
Akaashi breathed slowly, remembering those words from his friend's mouth.
Right, Akaashi thought. Tobio is in good hands. Tobio will be fine.
He just had to get through this audition. He had to.
"No need to be so nervous, my boy!" the owner said. "Come! Step up closer."
Akaashi took in a quivering breath and took tentative steps towards the music stand in the middle of the stage. His legs wobbled, and he prayed that the judges didn't notice.
With a shaking hand, he set down the music on the stand and stared at it. The black dots on the pages were fuzzy and difficult to read. What notes were those, anyway? Was he able to read the music before today? Had he ever been able to read this music?
"So, Akaashi, this is the principal violinist of the orchestra," the owner said, gesturing towards the woman sitting to his right. She smiled politely at him and ducked her head in respect. Akaashi was too stunned to move. "She will be listening in on your performance."
She would? Why?
"And you remember our fantastic director," the owner said, gesturing towards the tall conductor sitting to his left.
Akaashi's bones went stiff in his back, refusing to bend. He felt like his spine would break if he tried to bow.
"Well, I believe that's enough introductions," the owner said. "Let's get right to it, shall we?"
Get to it?
Get to what?
The hospital?
Tobio was in the hospital…
"Go ahead and play the first excerpt for us, Akaashi-san."
Akaashi blinked rapidly, trying to piece back together his thoughts that his brain had mangled. He squinted his eyes at the sheet music on the stand in front of him. Their pattern seemed familiar… He started with his first finger.
Right?
He cleared his throat and slowly lifted the violin up to his shoulder, the instrument wobbling as his entire arm shook with nerves. He tucked it under his chin, the instrument easily sliding into its proper place, and he lifted his bow, which he just remembered was in his other hand.
Okay, Akaashi thought. Just have to put this on the strings and start playing. No big deal. This would be fine.
Besides, Akaashi's practiced this a thousand times. He has this practically memorized by now.
He placed the bow on the strings and stared at the music. He pulled up on the bow, ready to drag it down across the strings.
You can do this, Akaashi told himself. He pulled down on the bow and began the passage, his hand shaking terribly.
You know, you're doing exactly what your father did to you when you got sick.
Do it for yourself, Akaashi thought, trying to ignore the vicious voice that echoed in his head. He ran his fingers up the strings and changed the notes, moving on in the passage.
Do it for Bokuto-san.
Don't you remember? You got so sick that the butler and maid had to take you to the hospital.
He vibrated his hand, making the sound resonate in the hall. It was working, his sound was becoming beautiful like a blooming rose.
Do it for Tobio—
And they left you there.
All. Alone.
Akaashi inhaled sharply, his eyes shooting wide as panic bloomed in his chest. His hand slipped and the sound screeched across the strings, making the three judges on the panel jump and look at Akaashi with concern.
"Akaashi-san?" the owner called. "Is everything all right?"
Akaashi blinked, his breath becoming shallow as he strained his eyes to see the music in front of him.
"I don't want to be alone!"
But the notes started to blur as his eyes filled with tears.
See?
You're doing the same thing to Tobio.
Like father, like son, I guess.
He lowered his violin and his bow to his sides, hanging his head to the judges. He took a deep breath in a lame attempt to prevent the tears from falling out of his eyes, but his efforts were in vain. The tears fell out anyway.
"Sorry," Akaashi said softly, finally raising his head to meet the three judges' eyes. He tried swallowing past the lump in his throat but it was too painful, and he ended up sucking in a choked breath.
"Akaashi-san?" the owner started, standing to his feet.
Akaashi finally cleared his throat and shook his head, his shoulders tightening by his ears.
"I'm sorry," he apologized again. "But I can't stay here. I have to go."
Akaashi turned around, leaving his music behind, and sprinted.
"Akaashi-san!"
He could hear the judges' voices calling behind him, but that didn't matter to him. He had to pack up his things and get to the hospital as quickly as he could.
Oh so now you're choosing to be a good parent? A little late, aren't we?
He flung open his practice room door and haphazardly threw his violin back in its case. He grabbed the case and tore out of the building as fast as his legs could carry him.
Could you be any slower? Tobio could be dying for all we know.
Akaashi bypassed the train station and ran straight for the hospital. His lungs burned and his eyes stung as the wind pounded into them, but he refused to stop until he reached the doors of that hospital.
Don't you remember how you felt in that hospital bed?
Akaashi winced, a tear springing from his eye as he rounded the corner.
Don't you remember how you were by yourself for three whole days?!
Two blocks to go to get to the hospital closest to Fukurodani.
All alone?!
Akaashi winced, ducking his head and charging forward the last two blocks. The voice was relentless with each step, making his quivering stomach feel even worse.
By the time he reached the hospital, he was heaving, his legs almost collapsing underneath of him. Luckily, his one free hand caught the top of the front desk before he fell.
"Um," the woman at the desk said. "Can I help you, sir?"
Akaashi felt sweat dripping down his neck as he pulled himself straight. The edges of his vision were black, and he thought he was going to faint.
"Akaashi… Tobio… 5-year-old. Where… Where is he?" Akaashi asked through panting breaths.
The woman blinked at him for a moment until his words clicked in her mind. She typed rapidly on the computer in front of her and squinted at the screen.
"Ah, yes. He's in the child care unit in the west wing… room 204. Are you his—"
"Thank you," Akaashi spit out rapidly before rushing off without hearing what else she had to say.
He ran to the stairs and rushed up the flights to get to the second level. He hurried down to the west wing and sprinted down the hallway to get to room 204. It was the last door on the right, and when he reached the room, he tore open the door and practically flung himself inside.
His breath hitched and he dropped his violin on the ground with a loud thud.
Tobio was on the white bed, his mouth covered in a clear breathing mask. His eyes were closed and his little body was surrounded by wires. His eyes were squeezed shut and harsh, wheezing sounds were coming from his mouth.
He looked so tiny in that bed. Too tiny.
He shouldn't be in that bed in the first place.
Congratulations. You made it.
Now what are you going to do?
"Akaashi!"
Akaashi flinched at the voice and he whipped his head to the side to see Bokuto walking towards him. He looked a little frazzled himself, a few stray pieces of his stiff hair falling limp by his ears.
"Hey, you're here," Bokuto said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. He gave a small smile, but even Akaashi could see right through it. "How did the audition go?"
Audition?
Akaashi swallowed, his eyes focused on Tobio's lifeless body. He shook his head and sucked in a shaky breath.
"I-I didn't… play," Akaashi said, his breath still coming out in pants.
Bokuto's smile fell at his response, moving closer to Akaashi with furrowed brows.
"You didn't audition?" Bokuto asked. He walked closer and put a hand on Akaashi's shoulder. "Are you okay? You're breathing so hard."
"He probably ran here."
Akaashi turned his head and saw Kuroo sitting in a chair in the corner, his hair also looking a little limp.
"What?" Bokuto said, giving Kuroo a brief glance before looking back to Akaashi. "Akaashi, did you run all the way here?"
Akaashi nodded slowly and glanced over Bokuto's shoulder to stare at his son on the bed. He hadn't moved since they got there. Why wasn't he moving?
It's because you left him, you know. You should've known better.
You should have been there, you idiot!
You should have been there!
"Akaashi, hey…"
He felt a hand on his forearm, gently pulling him back into reality. He glanced to the side and saw Bokuto looking at him with a worried expression on his face.
"It's going to be okay," Bokuto said softly. "The doctors have already given Tobio medicine. He's going to get better."
Akaashi's stomach lurched.
"W-What's—" His breath hitched, his lungs feeling as if he would collapse. "What's w-wrong with him?"
Bokuto blinked for a moment, looking a little surprised that Akaashi spoke.
"Oh. The doctor said it's pneumonia," Bokuto answered.
Pneumonia.
He's got pneumonia.
Just like what you had, right?
Akaashi lifted a hand to cover his mouth, feeling tears starting to leak from the corners of his eyes. He sucked in a sharp breath and hiccupped, and Bokuto was by his side in an instant.
"It's okay, Akaashi. It'll be okay, calm down," Bokuto said, rubbing his back.
You're a failure!
A shitty father!
You don't deserve to even be here!
Akaashi bent over, still holding his hand over his mouth. He thought he was going to puke.
"Breathe, Akaashi," Bokuto said softly, his strong arms barely holding him up. "Breathe. You have to breathe."
"Should I call someone?" Kuroo's voice echoed softly from the side of the room.
"No, no," Bokuto said to him. "I don't want him to get more overwhelmed than he already is."
See that? You're a burden to your friends, too.
Not just to Tobio.
"That's it, Akaashi," Bokuto said. "Breathe slowly, just like that."
Akaashi managed to force his lungs to cooperate, regulating his breaths in an easy pattern. He coughed a few times before he straightened his back, finally able to see the concerned looks on his friends' faces.
"Hey," Bokuto called, moving his hands to Akaashi's shoulders. "Why don't we go back to your place and grab some things for Tobio? You can change out of these clothes, too."
Akaashi's eyes flitted back and forth between Tobio and Bokuto, his chest igniting with panic. Bokuto immediately squeezed his shoulders, though, and gave him a soft smile.
"Hey, hey! It's okay!" Bokuto said. "Kuroo will be right here. Tobio won't be alone."
Alone? Perhaps not. But will Tobio have his father by his side?
Does he even need a father like you?
"We'll be right back, Kuroo," Bokuto called, carefully leaning down to pick up Akaashi's violin.
"I'll have my phone if there's an update," Kuroo said, his usual smirk soft around the edges.
Bokuto nodded and turned Akaashi's shoulder until he was facing the hospital hallway, Tobio out of sight. He immediately felt panic spike in his chest and shoulders, and he desperately tried to turn back around.
"But Tobio—"
"Hey, he'll be okay!" Bokuto said, redirecting him out of the hospital room. "You need some time to calm down before you panic. That's the last thing Tobio needs."
Akaashi's lip quivered, a shudder ripping through his body as Bokuto pushed him to the elevators.
"Let's just go to your place, get some of Tobio's favorite toys, maybe a few snacks, and then head back to the hospital," Bokuto said as he lightly pushed Akaashi onto the elevator. "The walk will clear your head. That way, when Tobio is up from his nap, you can comfort him while you're calm. How does that sound?"
Akaashi helplessly watched as the doors closed in front of him, and he lowered his gaze to the ground.
You fool! His idea is bogus! Bogus!
Akaashi shivered, his hands coming up to hold his elbows. He swallowed and glanced down at the ground, feeling completely miserable.
"Okay."
The walk back to Akaashi's apartment was agonizingly slow. The trains even seemed to move in slow motion.
His mind was also a jumbled mess, his thoughts mixing with the evil voice that rang inside in his head. He was going crazy. He could feel the insanity seeping into his bones and travel with his blood through his ice-cold veins. He barely felt the typically grounding touch of Bokuto's hands on his shoulders.
When they stepped inside, Bokuto led them down the hallway towards his bedroom. He set down Akaashi's violin case in the hall, just outside the bathroom door.
"Okay, so you'll grab some clothes while I look at what snacks we've got," Bokuto said, smiling brightly.
He patted Akaashi on the back and turned around to head towards the kitchen, leaving Akaashi alone to stand in front of his bedroom.
Akaashi knew he had to step inside his room to change into different clothes, but without Bokuto's touch, he couldn't bring himself to move.
Feeling that ache in your chest?
That's guilt.
You deserve to feel worse.
Akaashi swallowed and tried to follow Bokuto's instructions. He reached up and grabbed at his button up shirt, his fingers working his tie loose and letting the fabric fall to the ground. It was all he could do for now. All he wanted to do was to claw his ears out.
"Akaashi?" Bokuto called, the soft patter of his feet coming from down the hall. Akaashi watched him come down towards him, a peculiar look on his face. "I didn't see any of those cookies that Tobio likes."
Akaashi blinked at him, trying to process his words. "I think… we ran out."
Bokuto nodded, rubbing his chin for a moment.
"All right. Well, there's a convenient store just outside the complex. I'll run down there real quick and grab some snacks," Bokuto said, turning around to leave. He smiled over his shoulder at Akaashi. "When I get back, we'll head back to the hospital, okay?"
Akaashi felt his head move up and down without his permission, and he realized how dazed he had been. But Bokuto seemed not to notice, and he continued down the hallway until he was out of sight. The front door opened and clicked shut, and Akaashi found himself alone, still standing in front of his bedroom.
He took a shallow breath, his hand reaching over to rub his other arm. He suddenly felt drained and itchy in the fabric of his suit, and he shivered at the cool air that pierced through his skin.
The day had begun so hopeful. He was well on his way to getting a new job, but now all of that was gone.
Akaashi sighed at the thought. Not only was his son gravely sick, but he also lost his one chance to get the performing job that he had strived and desired for years.
How did everything spiral out of control so quickly?
What a mess you've gotten yourself into.
Akaashi gasped, looking back and forth for the source of the voice. It felt so close. Too close.
It sent chills down his spine.
You've really done it now. Not only is Bokuto taking care of your son for you, but Kuroo, as well.
Have you ever been a true parent to that child?
Akaashi covered his ears, stumbling into the wall as he tried to escape wherever the sound was coming from.
And now, Tobio is in the hospital.
"But I'm going back," Akaashi snapped. "I'm going to the hospital to be with him!"
Oh, but if you had been the attentive father that you should have been, would he be there in the first place?
Akaashi's breath hitched in his chest for the umpteenth time that day, and he bit his lip and shook his head back and forth. His legs carried himself to the bathroom and he quickly rushed to the sink to splash water on his face.
"He's going to be fine, he's going to be fine," Akaashi whispered over and over. He turned off the faucet and hunched over the sink.
If you had noticed that he wasn't feeling well sooner, then he wouldn't be there.
And now, he's all alone, and possibly dying from pneumonia.
Don't you know that children are more susceptible to dying from pneumonia?
"Shut up!" Akaashi yelled, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the sink. "I'm nothing like him!"
Is that so?
Then, tell me, Keiji.
Why do you look just like him?
Akaashi paused for a moment, his heart seizing in his chest.
With trembling arms, he glanced up at the mirror.
Akaashi sucked in a breath, feeling his heart pound against his chest.
His face.
It had the same wicked snarl as his father's.
"No," Akaashi whispered, springing back from the mirror. "No, no, no!"
He backed up until he left the bathroom, his eyes still on the twisted expression in his reflection. When he reached the hallway, his foot knocked into something on the ground.
Akaashi glanced down at his feet, finally tearing his gaze away from the horrifying mirror, and he saw his violin case sitting on the floor where Bokuto had left it earlier.
See?
You're just like your father.
You chose that instrument over your child!
Anger flashed hot inside his body, bubbling and boiling over as his mind went white with rage and panic.
"This is your fault," Akaashi said to it in a menacing voice.
He crouched down and ripped the case open, yanking the instrument from its velvet cushions and staring at it with wild eyes.
It was the violin that had gotten him through school.
It was the violin that had been by his side through multiple auditions.
"Your violin. The one I spent a fortune to get for you, remember? Have you even practiced?"
The instrument that made him just like his father.
Akaashi gripped the neck with white knuckles and stared back at his reflection in the mirror, the face seeming to mock him.
"This is all your fault!"
He stomped forward, rearing the violin back behind his head, and he flung it forward. The violin smashed against the mirror, the instrument splitting on impact and shattering the mirror.
He slammed the violin over and over again until both the instrument and the mirror were in pieces on the ground. He panted as he stared over his handiwork, dropping what was left of his violin onto the pile of broken shards.
Akaashi had finally gotten rid of the thing that had tormented him this entire time. He destroyed the last remaining connection he had to his father. It was gone, in pieces on the floor.
But…
It's not enough, is it?
Akaashi sucked in another breath, hearing that voice speaking calmly to him.
It's not enough that your violin is gone, right?
So you realize what you have to do.
You have to make yourself disappear.
Akaashi's hands curled into fists, his eyes glazing over. The guilt suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks, heavily and painfully weighing his chest down.
The voice was right. The source of his pain, his father's pain, Tobio's pain…
It was all because of him.
Akaashi choked on a sob as he whirled around and sprinted from the bathroom and out of his apartment. He needed to get as far away from everyone as possible. He needed to…
Go kill yourself.
…make himself disappear.
Bokuto vaguely scanned the shelf for supplies to bring to the hospital, not remembering what exactly he was supposed to buy in the first place. He knew he had to look for snacks, but his mind was drawing a blank.
His entire body was shaken from the intense day. From Tobio fainting to the ambulance ride, and then answering question after question while the nurses hooked Tobio up on oxygen and wires. Bokuto was grateful for Kuroo's constant presence next to him, his best friend a solid rock.
But now that he was in the convenient store alone, he felt that he was going to fall apart.
Bokuto's heart was constantly pounding, almost making him feel sick to his stomach. And he tried to concentrate on the labels on the shelf, but his eyes simply wouldn't focus.
All he could picture was Akaashi's petrified face as he stared at his motionless son's body on that hospital bed. It was such a look of despair that it almost made Bokuto freeze up.
It reminded him of the time when he first had a proper conversation with Akaashi, out on that bridge…
Bokuto shook his head, dispelling the awful memory. He had to focus, get some food, grab Akaashi, and get back to Tobio. There was no time to waste.
He quickly snatched some food from the shelves, some waters, and a few candy bars, and hurried to the cashier. He handed her a few bills and then grabbed the bags, making his way back up to the apartment.
"Akaashi," Bokuto called as he opened the door and pushed it open. "I've got the snacks and some waters. Are you ready to go?"
The apartment was silent as Bokuto walked inside, quietly shutting the door behind him. He waited to see if Akaashi would come around the corner, but when he was met with more silence, his chest tightened.
"Akaashi?" Bokuto called, stepping forward in the genkan. He knocked into Akaashi's shoes on the floor and paused, his brows furrowed. "Akaashi? You okay?"
There was still no response, and Bokuto felt his heart jump. He stepped into the apartment, his shoes still on his feet, and hurried inside.
"Akaashi?" he called, walking towards the kitchen and poking his head inside. No sign of his frazzled friend. "Akaashi."
He whirled around and hurried down towards the bedrooms, wondering if maybe his friend had fallen asleep.
"Akaashi, did you fall asleep? We should get back to the—"
Bokuto came to a sudden halt as he passed by the bathroom, and he took slow steps backwards. He leaned forward and clicked on the light, the damage shown in full.
There were thousands of mirror shards and split wood pieces on the floor.
And there was no sign of Akaashi.
Bokuto dropped his plastic bag full of snacks on the ground.
"Shit!" he yelled.
He turned on his heel and sprinted out of the apartment.
"Where the hell did you go, Akaashi?" Bokuto said through gritted teeth as his feet pounded on the pavement. He felt his chest heave and burn as the cold air attacked his lungs.
Where would Akaashi go in a panic? Where has he gone before?
"Aren't you cold up there?"
Bokuto's heart startled.
"No, no, no, no," Bokuto whispered. "Just hang on, Akaashi! Don't give up on me!"
He ducked his head and quickened his pace.
He had to get to Akaashi before it was too late.
Bokuto had to go save his friend.
Tobio doesn't need you anymore.
Cold.
He's got others to take care of him.
It was so cold.
Was he forgetting something?
Oh, yeah. He wasn't wearing shoes.
You're not needed anymore.
You're not wanted.
You don't deserve to live.
Akaashi choked as a sob clawed up his throat, his hand gripping at his shirt as his chest tightened in pain.
He stumbled block after block in his socks, his feet freezing from the cold air. Every step was agonizing, and not only because his feet were sore. He just needed the pain to stop.
Akaashi reached a familiar part of the city, and he took a moment to glance around.
In front of him, about one block away, was the same bridge that he had tried to kill himself on just months before.
There! Go jump!
You didn't do it the first time, so go redeem yourself!
Let the world be free from your existence!
A few tears slid down Akaashi's cheeks and he stumbled across the street, not bothering to look if the light was red or not. He made it to the railing and gripped it, the cold metal making his hands ache.
He leaned over and glanced down at the water, watching as it crashed and foamed. The current was strong today.
Strong enough to kill you.
Akaashi hunched over, letting out a desperate sob. He shook his head back and forth, begging for everything to be just some terrible nightmare. He pleaded that he would wake up, and everything would be back to normal. No one would be in the hospital. He wouldn't have missed his audition. His son wouldn't be so sick.
But this is reality, Keiji.
And your time is up.
Akaashi swallowed down the bile that threatened to creep up his throat. He coughed a few times and then straightened his back, his lips trembling.
He had no choice now.
There was no going back.
With shaking legs, he hoisted himself up onto the railing, spreading his arms wide to maintain his balance.
The reality of what he was about to do suddenly struck him.
It was over.
It was really all about to end.
Tears fell from his eyes as he let out a small wail again, his whole body trembling.
"I'm sorry," Akaashi whispered in the air.
Do it!
"Disgraceful."
Jump!
End your life!
Akaashi closed his eyes, unable to look at the dizzying sight of the rushing water below. His foot shifted, ready to move it off of the railing.
Move it!
Do it now!
For crying out loud, hurry up and kill yourself!
Akaashi wailed again, his chest hiccupping.
"I hate you!"
He moved, his knee bending.
His other foot lifted from the railing.
"I'm so sorry, Tobio," Akaashi whispered, the despair evident in his voice.
He leaned forward, his chest about to drop—
"Goodbye, Keiji."
"NO!"
A pair of arms suddenly wrapped around Akaashi's waist, pulling him upright but not forcing him down from the railing.
Akaashi startled for a moment and regained his balance on the railing. He knew right away who it was and didn't bother to turn around. He felt more tears spring from his eyes as he tried to lean forward.
"Let me go, Bokuto-san," Akaashi commanded.
"No," Bokuto said, his voice desperate. "I won't let go."
Bokuto's face was pressed into Akaashi's back, and his arms, while strong and secure, were shaking against his stomach. It felt strange to see and hear Bokuto acting this way.
The usually confident man that Akaashi had grown accustomed to had now turned insecure.
"Don't do this, Akaashi," Bokuto pleaded, his voice cracking in desperation. "Please. Don't end your life. You have so much to live for."
Akaashi shook his head, leaning forward to try to get out of Bokuto's grip, but his arms only held onto his waist tighter.
"I don't!" Akaashi yelled, a sob breaking through. "I've become exactly what I hate! I've become just like my father!"
"That's not true!" Bokuto shouted back.
"It is!" Akaashi cried. "I've neglected him. I've done more harm than good for Tobio. I've never been a good parent for him!"
"Don't you see how much he smiles, Akaashi? Don't you see how much he cares about you?" Bokuto asked. "He does all of that because he loves you."
"Shut up!" Akaashi shouted, startling Bokuto. "You know nothing about me. You know nothing about how awful of a person I am."
"Akaashi…" Bokuto whispered.
"I've lost my dream. My parents hate me. Tobio deserves a father who can actually take care of him," Akaashi said. "I don't deserve to exist. I don't want to exist."
Akaashi inhaled sharply, tears springing from his eyes and falling down into the water below.
"If I had given you up, I would've been able to take another tour instead of being stuck on maternity leave."
"So, I suppose, in a word, yes."
"I would have given you up."
Akaashi cried out, the pain in his chest unbearable. It felt as if his heart was trying to break out of him. He hiccupped as the sobs made him shake and he shut his eyes tight as the realization hit him.
"I wish I had never been born!" Akaashi wailed.
Bokuto let out a strangled noise, his eyes squeezing shut as he pressed his face further into Akaashi's back. His arms tightened around Akaashi's stomach, his hands squeezing his waist.
"Don't say that, Akaashi!" Bokuto begged, a tear escaping his eye. "If you had never been born, then Tobio wouldn't be alive!"
Akaashi's eyes snapped open, his body freezing as he stopped fighting Bokuto. He breathed in softly, listening to Bokuto talk with a shaking voice.
"If you had never been born, then you never would've joined the volleyball team and helped these kids learn how to be a setter," Bokuto said. "If you had never been born, then none of those kids would've heard you play your violin. None of them would've been inspired to learn something incredible."
Akaashi closed his eyes, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. He shoulders shook as his chest jumped with hiccups and quiet sobs, and he desperately tried to hold it back. He wanted to tell Bokuto to stop. He didn't want to hear anymore.
But for the first time, the voice had completely disappeared.
"If you had never been born, Akaashi…" Bokuto started, his hands squeezing his stomach again and bringing Akaashi's body closer. "Then… Then I wouldn't have met you."
Akaashi's eyes snapped open and he gasped. He lowered his hands until they touched Bokuto's shaking arms that wrapped around his stomach.
"And I need you, Akaashi," Bokuto said, his voice hitching slightly. He sniffled. "I need you to be here for me, every day. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you."
Bokuto's voice became brittle, and he sucked in a choked breath.
"So please… don't kill yourself. You're my best friend," Bokuto said, his voice reducing to a strained whisper. "I love you, Keiji. Please. Please. Don't leave me."
Akaashi's heart nearly broke into pieces.
Akaashi was… wanted. Needed.
Loved.
Was that the first time anyone had ever told him that?
Had Mei ever told him that? Did Mei ever say those words to him?
Who was the last person to tell him he loved him?
Akaashi turned halfway in Bokuto's arms, his friend loosening his grip and looking up at Akaashi with red, watery eyes. Akaashi's chest was jumping and his legs threatening to buckle.
This man, who had been by his side for months, never once abandoning him, was someone that Akaashi could depend on. He would never lie to Akaashi. Not ever.
He owed Bokuto so much. He couldn't just throw away their friendship.
Because he loved Bokuto, too.
"Okay," Akaashi whimpered through the tears. "I'll stay, B-Bokuto-san."
Bokuto's eyes lit up and shined, tears escaping the corners of his eyes. He immediately moved his hands to hold Akaashi's waist, helping him down from the railing. They both collapsed into a heap on the sidewalk, Akaashi planting his face in Bokuto's chest.
"I'm sorry!" Akaashi wailed, sobs causing his entire body to quake. "I'm s-so sorry, Bokuto-san!"
"Don't apologize," Bokuto said, holding him close, his hand holding the back of Akaashi's head. "Please don't apologize."
Akaashi wailed and sobbed into Bokuto's chest, Bokuto's hands pressing into his back and neck, pulling him closer. He was soaking Bokuto's shirt with tears but the man didn't seem to care. He only held onto Akaashi and rubbed his back.
"It'll be okay," Bokuto said, tears falling down his cheeks. "It's all going to be okay, Keiji."
Akaashi nodded against him, fully believing his words.
"It'll be okay," Bokuto repeated. "I promise."
After what felt like ages, Akaashi finally calmed down enough to move. With Bokuto's help, Akaashi was guided back to his apartment, where he changed his dirtied clothes and grabbed Tobio's favorite plush fish. Bokuto pushed him away from the mess in the bathroom, telling him that they would deal with it later, and they hailed a taxi to go the hospital again.
The entire way, Akaashi held the fish in his arms, pressing it to his chest and his face. He could only hope that Tobio was okay and that he wasn't angry. Bokuto assured him that Tobio wouldn't be, and that he had nothing to be afraid of, but Akaashi was still unsure.
It wasn't until they climbed out of the taxi at the hospital that Akaashi noticed how red Bokuto's eyes were. His hair was limp by now, pieces falling into his eyes and his forehead. The only semblance of normalcy was his smile, which was wide across his face.
"Okay. Let's go see, Tobio, okay?" Bokuto said, smiling kindly.
Akaashi nodded, following behind him into the hospital. The walk up the different floors was surreal, each step feeling as if he were in a dream.
It was crazy to think that just moments ago, he could've been dead.
He shivered as he stepped into the elevator, his legs almost collapsing again. He could feel every limb shake with leftover adrenaline as it seeped from his body.
Bokuto's hand touched his back, just like he did when he guided him to the coffee shop for the first time several months ago.
"Deep breaths, Keiji," Bokuto said, his hand moving to his shoulder. "Take deep breaths. It'll be okay."
Akaashi found himself breathing deeply through his nose, the movement sending tingles down his spine and limbs. Bokuto kept rubbing his back gently, his smile still on his tired face.
The elevator came to a stop on the second floor and Bokuto gently tugged Akaashi off, guiding them both down to the end of the childcare hallway. They reached room 204 and Bokuto pulled open the door.
As soon as the door was thrown open, Akaashi saw Kuroo standing next to the hospital bed. He turned around, eyes a little wide in surprise but a small smile on his face.
"Ah, look! See? He's back, just like I said," Kuroo said softly.
Akaashi stepped into the room and peered around Kuroo's shoulder.
Sitting on the bed was a teary-eyed Tobio, awake and crying with the breathing mask still on his face. It was a pitiful sight that almost made Akaashi weep.
"Daddy!" Tobio called, holding out his hands to Akaashi as tears fell down his cheeks.
Akaashi felt his chest constrict as he took in a sharp breath.
"Tobio," Akaashi said under his breath.
He surged forward, Kuroo moving out of the way, and carefully took the sobbing boy in his arms. He sat on the bed and wrapped his arms around Tobio, cradling the boy gently against his chest.
"It's okay, Tobio," Akaashi said, tears falling from the corners of his eyes. "It's okay, it's okay. Calm down."
"D-Daddy, I'm s-scared!" Tobio rasped, his voice fogging up the breathing mask.
Akaashi winced and held him tighter, continuing his ministrations on his back.
"I'm right here, Tobio," Akaashi said, planting a kiss on his forehead. "And I'm not going anywhere."
Tobio pulled back from Akaashi's chest, his little hands clutching his shirt.
"You promise?" Tobio asked, tears still falling down his cheeks.
Akaashi's heart couldn't take much more of this.
He wiped the tears from Tobio's face and nodded, trying to give him a smile.
"I promise, Tobio," Akaashi said.
Tobio paused, letting his father wipe the tears from his face, and then he blinked up at him. He fiddled with his hand for a moment, his face twisting into a concentrated pout, and then he extended his pinky finger to him.
"P-Pinky promise?" Tobio asked.
Akaashi blinked at him for a moment, and then he smiled fondly at him. He lifted his pinky and hooked it with Tobio's, giving their hands a little shake.
"Pinky promise."
He heard Kuroo snicker from behind.
"Ah, so I see you're not the only one who gives pinky-promises," Kuroo said to Bokuto in a mocking tone.
"I told you! Pinky promises are serious business," Bokuto said confidently.
Tobio paused and then he managed a small smile before breaking out into raspy coughs. Akaashi patted his back and then gently lowered Tobio back into bed, covering him with the blanket.
"You need to rest now, Tobio," Akaashi said.
Tobio latched onto his sleeve. "You'll stay with me, right?"
Akaashi felt the tears form back in his eyes as he smiled and climbed into the bed next to his son.
"Of course," Akaashi said. "And look. I brought this from home."
Akaashi gave Tobio the fish plushie, the boy's eyes widening. He grabbed the plush with both hands and squeezed it to his chest, sniffling happily.
"There, can you rest now?" Akaashi asked him, leaning his head on the top of Tobio's, breathing in his hair.
Tobio hummed, squeezing the fish to his chest. "As long as you're here, too."
Akaashi smiled, wrapping his arms around Tobio and snuggling close to him on the bed.
"I already promised, didn't I?" Akaashi said. "I love you and I'm not leaving."
Tobio hummed, sighing as he got sleepier. He snuggled close to his father, pressing his face to Akaashi's collarbone.
"I love you, too, Daddy."
Akaashi's breath hitched, his eyes blowing wide. Then, they filled with tears.
Tobio didn't hate him.
Tobio loved him.
He loved him.
While his chest still felt weighed down with pain and anguish, his mind felt completely blank—a white canvas. With those little words, Akaashi felt that he had been washed clean, rid of those heavy burdens. Akaashi no longer felt bonded to his demons. For the first time in his life, Akaashi felt he could overcome them.
Akaashi pulled Tobio closer, pressing another kiss to the top of his head before he closed his eyes as sleep overtook him, finally allowing his body to rest.
Bokuto pulled the spare blanket down from the shelf and carefully draped it over Akaashi and Tobio's bodies, tucking them into the hospital bed snugly. He gently wiped the last tear from Akaashi's cheek and then took a step back to look over them.
The scene before him was peaceful, drastically different than only minutes before.
"I wish I had never been born!"
Bokuto shuddered and grimaced, his hands coming up to hold his arms. If he had gotten there a minute later, or been just one second late, then… then…
Akaashi could have died.
He was one second away from jumping from that bridge, never to be seen ever again.
If he had died, then who would've been there to be Bokuto's setter?
Who would've been there to help coach the guys?
Who would've been there to have coffee and donuts with him once a week, and then complain about his terrible eating habits?
What would Bokuto have done without Akaashi by his side?
"Bo?"
A hand on his shoulder made him startle, and he whirled around to see a stunned Kuroo staring back at him.
"Whoa, whoa. Easy," Kuroo whispered, easing Bokuto's fluttering heart. Kuroo looked him over for another moment. "You okay, man? You're a mess."
Bokuto started to nod but he stopped midway, his mouth opening and closing. He glanced over his shoulder at Akaashi and Tobio, his hands curling into fists at seeing the bags under Akaashi's eyes.
Bokuto sighed as he turned back and faced Kuroo. He nodded towards the doorway and led Kuroo out of the hospital room. They walked to a nearby bench and Bokuto plopped down, holding his head in his hands. Kuroo stood in front of him, staring down at Bokuto with a worried expression.
"I almost lost him, Kuroo," Bokuto said sadly, his limbs beginning to tremble.
"Lost him?" Kuroo repeated. "What are you talking about?"
Bokuto closed his eyes, his hands gripping at his limp hair. He sighed and let his hands drop to his lap, his gaze watching as his fingers shook.
"He tried to kill himself," Bokuto said.
Kuroo's eyes widened and he paused, taking in Bokuto's words.
"What?" Kuroo asked. "When? Just now?"
Bokuto nodded sadly in response, not daring to look up at Kuroo's expression. He took a deep breath and wiped his face.
"I think he blames himself for Tobio being in the hospital," Bokuto said. "He said he's a terrible father, and that he doesn't deserve to be alive."
Kuroo's hands curled into fists, a frown pulling at his lips. He walked to Bokuto's side and plopped down on the bench next to him, hunching over on his knees.
"So… he tried killing himself because of that?" Kuroo asked.
"Mmn," Bokuto hummed. "Tried jumping off of a bridge."
"Right," Kuroo started. "But… he's still here."
"Yeah."
Kuroo looked at Bokuto with a soft expression.
"You saved him," Kuroo said.
It wasn't a question. Bokuto knew what Kuroo was getting at.
He glanced up at Kuroo, his expression curious.
"I… I guess," Bokuto said. "All I did was tell him how I felt. That I would be sad if he was gone."
"And he believed you," Kuroo said.
Bokuto quirked a brow at him. "Yeah? What are you getting at, Kuroo?"
Kuroo leaned back against the wall, his head bonking against the cold stone.
"Akaashi needs to talk to someone about all this," Kuroo said. "He needs to be able to clear his head and sort out all of this toxic stuff that's flowing through him."
Bokuto winced. "But he's already tried talking to me! And that was obviously no help," he said. He sighed and reached for his hair again. "I'm such a terrible friend! If I had just listened to him more and been there, then—"
"Whoa, stop right there," Kuroo said, stopping Bokuto's hands before they ripped out every fiber of hair. "I meant talking to a professional. Like a psychiatrist."
Bokuto blinked at him, letting his hands fall back down to his lap.
"Oh," he said intelligently. "But… I'm not sure if Akaashi would go for that."
"That's where you come in," Kuroo said, pointing a finger at Bokuto.
"Me?"
"Yep," Kuroo said, his lips pulling into his confident smile. "Akaashi listens to you the most out of anyone he knows. He has complete trust in you, Bo. So you can help him through this."
Bokuto gripped his knees, taking a big enough breath to move his shoulders.
"I just have to convince him to see someone, then?" Bokuto asked.
Kuroo moved one shoulder in a shrug. "I think that would be best for him. He needs all the help he can get. From all of us."
Bokuto swallowed, looking down at his lap. His legs still shook and his arms trembled on his thighs. His stomach was twisting, remembering the sight of Akaashi about to dive off of the bridge, and his terrifying words…
But…
"Okay. I'll stay, B-Bokuto-san."
But he gave Akaashi a reason to live.
He glanced up at Kuroo, a determined look on his face.
"I'll see what I can do."