"I know I'm adding a lot of original characters, but I don't want them to feel like add-ons. I want them to have real value in the lives of the existing characters. I want the reader to feel like everyone has a place in the world I'm putting them all in. God only knows if I'll succeed, but I want to at least try." -Francine I. Kane, 201X-

Chapter 11: Letting Off Steam

Asgore sat behind his desk, waiting to speak with Sans and Dante about what to do with Frisk's uncle. Frisk was back on the surface with Toriel, taking her guards and the golden flower she was so fond of with her. As much as he was going to miss her, he was almost glad she wasn't going to be present for this particular meeting.

This was not something to discuss in front of a child, no matter how mature she tried to be.

His office door opened and the two skeletons walked in. Dante bowed without his usual flourishes, and Sans just gave his usual irreverent wave. Asgore always appreciated it when protocol could be relaxed in private meetings like this. He invited them to sit down, and poured them tea from the pot he liked to keep on his desk. With the pleasantries out of the way, they could get down to business.

"So, what are we to do with Frisk's uncle? Come to think of it, did he ever give us his name? I tried to ask Frisk, but she does not like speaking of him, for which I cannot blame her."

Dante nodded. "He has, indeed, finally given us his name. It's Argo Nautilus Kane, and you wouldn't believe what my investigators had to go through just to get that much out of him." The half-drake rolled his eyes. "He's… rather fond of his expletives, and he's been a jerk to everyone who's spoken with him."

Dante tilted his chair back, balancing on its back legs and his tail as he cradled his teacup and saucer in his hands. He shuddered and said, "My people say talking to him is like 'staring into the abyss below Waterfall'. He told them the only reason he didn't come for the princess sooner is because he chased after her without the proper provisions, and needed to go back home and resupply.

"He also wanted to set up some 'business arrangements'. He didn't say what manner of business, but he smiled when he said it. It gave the person interrogating him the creeps. It gave me the creeps just reading the report!"

Sans' eyes went dark, his normal grin fading. Dante stared at him, wondering what could have brought it on. Then he remembered his friend's witness statement, specifically what "Uncle Argo" said he had in store for the princess. Dante's jaw tightened, and he covered his mouth with a hand.

*Of all the disgusting-! Dante forced himself to stop thinking about it, before he vomited all over Asgore's nice rug.

The king wasn't privy to that information, but from Dante's reaction he could tell it wasn't good. To help distract him from whatever it was, Asgore asked, "So, what charges are we filing against him?"

Dante shook his head, looking a little more like himself. "Since we can only charge him for crimes committed within the kingdom, we can't nail him for what he did to the princess before she came here. Even so, that's still two counts of murder for those poor souls he dusted outside of a Fight, attempted assassination of a member of the royal family, resisting arrest, attempted murder of a royal guard, assault of a royal guard, and assault for the rock monster he chipped."

He shrugged with one hand and shoulder. "As it stands, he's looking at a very, very long time-out. That is, unless his hidden LV is as high as we think it is, because his visible LV is surprisingly low. He's also unrepentant, so I think it's going to be hard for someone to defend him. Finding an unbiased judge might be easier, even though we only have four and Sans."

Dante righted his chair so he could poke Sans in the cheekbone with the tip of his tail. "Since having your only brother nearly die tends to bias a guy, Sans can't handle the case. Unless, of course, all the others agree that the human needs a once-in-a-lifetime date with The Duke. Then Sans can kiss him goodnight."

Sans blushed a bit, smacking the tail away. "stop that! and i really wish you never dreamed up those new phrases." He understood how sugar-coating things was what they'd always done (calling a crime a "no-no", or saying "time-out" instead of "incarceration", et cetera). But the phrases Dante came up with were just so…!

Dante's tail came back, poking Sans under his nasal opening, this time. He tut-tutted, saying, "You know I wouldn't come up with such things if you weren't so cute when you're embarrassed, Sansy." The tail moved to tickle Sans under his chin, whose unamused expression made Dante laugh before it was smacked, again.

"gotta say, bud, they don't exactly roll off the tongue," said Sans.

Dante retorted with, "They don't have to. If they make you blush, I'm using them." He winked, knowing it annoyed Sans to be flirted with. His friend eventually grinned back and chuckled, too used to his antics by now to be truly mad.

While Dante didn't normally flirt with people that didn't want the attention, Sans was an exception. He just made it so much fun! And he could pout (or as close as skeletons got to doing so). Not many were able to pull it off but Sans could, and looked adorable when he did. He'd always been so cute!

It was amazing nobody had snatched him up, yet. Then again, Sans never seemed very interested in being snatched, or snatching up someone for himself. And he got angry whenever Dante tried to set him up on a date. Really angry. So much so that Sans refused to talk to him for months, which was why he stopped trying.

Still, he worried about his friend being lonely. While it wasn't exactly what Dante had in mind for him, at least Sansy found new friends in both Queen Toriel and the princess. It was good to see him smiling more like he used to.

Asgore cleared his throat in an attempt to get the meeting back on-track. While it was nice to see the boys getting along, there was one last question he needed to ask. "If it comes down to an execution, should we truly go forward with it, Sans?"

The indicated skeleton frowned in thought, sipping his tea to buy himself a little time. When he set the cup down he said, "yeah, i do. the man is a menace, and i don't think he's given up on hurting frisk. 'future monster/human relations' be damned, he is done hurting her, and everyone else, no matter what i have to do to make him stop." His words made Dante roll his eyes, muttering so biased under his breath.

Sans continued as though he heard nothing. "trouble is, if the lesser judges DO come to that conclusion, 'uncle argo's' family needs to be notified, somehow. gotta go by the book, after all." He shrugged with shoulders and hands. "who are we gonna send to serve papers all the way to the middle of a human city, which is farther away than the ranch frisk ran from?"

While living in the castle, Frisk told them what she knew of the places where humans lived. Naturally, where she'd lived were the most detailed. Her uncle's ranch was a day's horse-ride to the east, on the opposite side of the mountain where everyone made camp. New Ebott Town was another three days by carriage in the same direction. It was the biggest human settlement around, with five times the population of the entire Kingdom of Monsters. To send any monster, or group of them, that far into potentially hostile territory was insane.

Moreover, Frisk's great-grandfather founded the place after The Blackout. Once the Old City fell into ruin during the calamity, Great-granddaddy Kane took charge from whoever dropped the ball and helped what few survivors there were… survive. The Kanes have ruled over New Ebott Town ever since, with no sign of ever giving it up. In fact, Frisk's grandfather was on top of the heap, at the moment. Whoever served the papers, "Governor-for-life" Kane just might decide to shoot the messenger. From what little Frisk told them, he seemed like the type who couldn't handle bad news very well.

*things just get better and better, don't they? Sans thought to himself. Somebody that could send a sweet kid like Frisk off to live with an beast like her uncle was bound to be a piece of work, themselves. No wonder she was so happy to live with "monsters".

Sans used to think she was a special case victim, but now he wasn't so sure. It was looking more like what she'd endured was plain old abuse, mainly emotional and probably physical, too. Just another sensitive subject to talk with the kid about, on top of exactly how she caused anomalies. Another topic he couldn't think of how to broach without potentially putting her back up.

He'd come a long way in earning her trust, and he didn't want to wreck it by being too hasty. He wasn't going to ask her to divulge more than she was comfortable with, not when it was so hard for her to talk about the simplest things concerning her family. The info on Governor Kane, for example.

Frisk had given them information on the governor, not her grandfather. She described him in his capacity as leader of New Ebott Town, and didn't address him in any affectionate manner. When she had to talk about her family she spoke concisely, and got the conversation over with as soon as possible.

It was probably all part of how she wasn't supposed to talk about her home life. It wasn't that she was trying to be obstructive or unhelpful; it was more like she'd been conditioned to keep her mouth shut, and it was almost physically painful for her to talk about them. She must've had a real bad time, with them…

"whatever we do," said Sans, "it's gotta be done right. we need to follow the letter of the law, and let everyone know we are. the humans also need to understand that, if they break those laws while they're on our turf, they're gonna have the book thrown at 'em, the same as anyone else."

And Sans was more than happy to throw it, himself, as hard as it took to make them understand. That he couldn't do so right this minute grated on his bones. But there were plenty of ways to vent one's frustrations…

T.N. Roman Corinthians, the Baron of Ampersand, strode through the halls that housed his family's business empire. If one could call dominating a single kingdom's economy an "empire," which the baron did not. He had dreams of expanding that empire, of course, but all things happened in good time, and there were preparations to be made before then. He also had something else on his mind, but it wouldn't do to think about it right before a meeting. The thought was put on the back burner as he reached his destination.

He entered the boardroom, his company officers rising from their seats and bowing to him (as they should). He gave them all a graceful nod, acknowledging them before taking his seat as CEO of Pillar Enterprises.

The company's motto, "Supporting your community with everything you need," was the bedrock upon which it was founded. They once traded goods far and wide, and humans of all walks of life used to clamor whenever the wagon came rolling into town. Monster-made goods such as spider silk and yarn made of monster wool were especially popular because, after being treated with potions, they became nigh-imperishable as long as they were undamaged. But the monsters' loss of the war and being sealed under the mountain put an end to those glorious days.

For generations the Corinthians did their best to maintain the standard of quality they'd been known for, and it hadn't always been easy as the years stretched into centuries. But even with limited resources, the backing of the king and triumphs of progress in the alchemical fields made it possible. Pillar Enterprises was now at the forefront of every trend, could anticipate any desire, and Ampersand was proud to be a part of it. He was proud to be one of the pillars of his kingdom (pun NOT intended), no matter how much grief he was given for being the youngest entitled member of the nobility.

Ampersand looked each of his officers in the eyes in turn, making sure he had their attention. With his palms flat on the table, and perfect posture, he addressed them like the noble he was.

"People, Sirs and Madams, I am pleased to report the successful planting of Surface Farm Alpha." He paused to allow a smattering of polite applause before continuing.

"With the generous insight provided by Her Highness during her brief visit to these offices, some much-needed modifications were implemented for this first phase of our move back to sun-and-rain-based farming. However, she was the first to caution us that her knowledge is purely academic, and she had yet to practice it in the 'real world'. Even so, I believe she has saved us a substantial amount of trial and error."

As more applause sounded, Ampersand thought to himself, *For a grubby little human, I suppose she's not all bad. Though, to be fair, she cleaned up rather well. She actually looked respectable now, compared to how she looked during the meeting where she confessed to everyone. She also seemed to have a working mind in that head of hers. And she seemed genuinely interested in the kingdom's economic future, if not so much the company's. Then again, she was just a child. She wouldn't have the same priorities as an adult.

Still, she wouldn't be in that striped sweater forever. It would be worth looking into forging a relationship with her, if only so she'd be more inclined to lend her aid in trade negotiations with the humans.

It was something to consider for the future. Ampersand refocused upon the present, listening to his officers as they relayed their own news. The state of their finances, updates on the plans for a new corporate office to be built on the surface… everything was covered, making it a very comprehensive meeting.

Ampersand liked it when things went smoothly. While it was always prudent to have secondary (even tertiary) plans in place, because unforeseen circumstances were always a problem, it gave him a good feeling to know his first plan had been the right one. To him, it meant he was doing things correctly, that he was upholding his family's reputation and his company's to the standards he was expected to maintain.

The thought he'd put on the back burner returned to the front. Those standards were probably why he disliked the Duke of Asterisk so strongly. That man simply did not behave as a peer of the realm should. It was so…frustrating to be outranked by somebody like him! When the meeting ended Ampersand went to his office to vent, just a little.

Not only was Duke Asterisk a lazy, disorganized slob, rumor had it he was getting closer and closer to not just the former queen, but to the princess, as well. And he was doing it by looking into whatever happened to the girl last week.

Just what was the old man up to? What game was he trying to play, this time? Behind the locked door of his office, Ampersand let the fire in his soul rage, covering his bones as he paced around on the fireproof rug. His office was also soundproofed, so he could yell all he wanted.

"DAMN you, Asterisk! You're just the High Judge! Who do you think you are, playing doctor and alchemist and law master?! Do your OWN damned job for once in your life and leave your big nose out of everyone else's!"

Ampersand caught his breath, ribs heaving and fire flaring with each exhale. He took deeper and deeper breaths until he could bring his temper back under control. He ran his hands over his skull from brow ridges to the back of his neck, and his flames subsided.

It was shameful, but try as he might he simply could not rid himself of his temper flare-ups! He quickly checked to make sure he didn't exceed his clothing's temperature limitations (being the finest in fireproofed attire, they were perfectly alright). Now calm, Ampersand asked himself, *Why does he get me so riled up?

Was it the terrible wordplay? The childish practical jokes? Or maybe it was how he always seemed to be the popular one, no matter where he went? That wasn't to say he was popular with everyone, but people still flocked to him, regardless. Women were especially fond of him…

Maybe that was it. While Ampersand had wealth, looks and intelligence, he still couldn't seem to find a woman that wanted to spend more than five minutes with him. Meanwhile, Duke Never-Had-a-Date-In-His-Life found himself drowning in female attention. And all the female skeletons anywhere near Ampersand's age were Asterisk's cousins! It was just so frustrating!

The Corinthians family strongly believed in remaining a skeleton's household. That meant marrying other skeletons whenever possible. If there were none available, then another Boss Monster (or one with power approaching those levels) was the only acceptable substitute. They were typically drakes like the Flat family, and sometimes manticores like the Phantoms. Unfortunately, there weren't very many to go around.

While it wasn't exactly frowned upon to look elsewhere for companionship, Ampersand still felt immense pressure to find a skeleton bride and give his mother grandchildren before she passed on. As her only child, he was the only one who could.

He'd been born on the day of the Core Incident, amid fear and dread as the entire mountain threatened to crush them all. He didn't remember any of it, of course, but the trauma his mother endured made her over-protective of him. She became doubly so after his father was lost in a factory accident, passing down the family's title to him. To this day, Lady Ampersand wanted her son near during earthquakes, just to be sure he was safe.

The current baron wanted to show her he'd be alright, once she was gone. She'd spent his entire life worrying about him, and he didn't want her afterlife to be filled with the same. He didn't have much time before she left, either.

But he would have to work on that, later. He was a master at juggling his responsibilities (unlike a certain someone), and at the moment he had paperwork to sort through before he was done for the day and could go home. With a soft sigh he pulled his chair away from his desk and sat down…

…only to have the most crude, most annoying, most bone-grating sound of a whoopee cushion fill his entire office with its never-to-be-sufficiently-damned noise. One eye socket twitched before Ampersand's flames roared to life once more.

"COMIC SANS GAAAASTEEEERRR!"

Outside, his secretary rolled his eyes. The office wasn't quite as soundproof as his boss thought, and it sounded like yet another prank had been pulled on him.

Watching as flames licked out from beneath the door, he figured it was a good thing a better job was done on the fireproofing.

Lady Pristina Phantom walked down the halls, away from the offices of the High Judge. Her face was smoothed of any expression, and she politely nodded whenever she was greeted. If one didn't know any better they would think nothing of it, unless they were inclined to admire a pretty monster as she passed by. But those who did know better saw a huntress on the prowl.

*The Duke must have disappeared again, they would think to themselves with a snigger, his laziness well-known to those who worked in the castle. They would think he was fortunate she loved him like a brother, otherwise she might have dusted him long ago.

Pristina would protest if she ever heard those thoughts expressed aloud. She would never think of dusting Sans! But shaking him until he was thoroughly rattled…?

However, it would be undignified to let her exasperation show, at the moment. So she maintained her calm exterior as she strode to Lord Sharpe's office.

Pristina almost pouted. Dante was such an enabler. He had a couch set up in his office just so Sans could nap on it. It was no wonder those old rumors about the two of them still swirled around! She always figured Dante had that couch because he worried about Sans' health, and wanted him to relax in peace at every opportunity he could find. She didn't know the real reason, because the one time she asked about it Dante answered with, "Because I'd do anything to see you more often, including using Sans as a lure."

She never asked again, figuring she'd always get a flirtatious answer. And the cream of the jest was that she couldn't stay mad at Dante for it, because she'd been worried about Sans, too! He was the older brother she never had, and it was painful to see him so tired. Increased fatigue was one of the early signs of someone about to fall down…

But, amazingly, Sans managed to stay just outside the final stages of the condition. He might have been sleeping more often than he used to, but nobody could say he wasn't doing his job as High Judge.

Most of it, anyway. There always seemed to be a mountain of paperwork that needed his signature, cases where a second opinion was requested, new ordinances for him to review before they could be put in the books, and OLD ordinances to be reviewed before they were updated, or perhaps removed from the books.

In short, even though there was an average of only two or three executions every nine years (a record starting from the first days of the kingdom's imprisonment), there was still plenty of work for the High Judge to do between them. That was what Sans shirked daily, bringing Pristina to Dante's office.

She knocked, then entered the outer office and waiting room where Dante's secretary worked. A dapper slime with a carefully sculpted coif and bright red tie looked up, then smiled with their one eye.

"Hello, Pristina!" they said, burbling a little. "Looking for His Honor, again?"

She nodded. "I don't suppose you've seen him today, Jell?"

Jell shook their head. "'fraid not. But you know how it is. I think he uses the earl's window like a door, most days. I usually only see him leaving." The two of them rolled their eyes at Sans' antics, knowing full well he could come and go as mysteriously as he pleased. If he didn't, that meant he wanted to mess with people. "Anyway, the earl isn't seeing anyone, at the moment. You can go right in."

Pristina smiled, thanking them before knocking on Dante's door. He bid her to enter, and didn't even look up from his work terminal as she shut the door behind her.

"Hi, Tina," he said as he typed away. "How can I help my little cinna-bun today?"

Pristina stopped her blush before it could reach her cheekbones. He'd been calling her that for as long as she could remember! Ever since she ate her first cinnamon bunny and loved it. There was no reason for the nickname to embarrass her so much now.

At least he only called her that in private settings. (Thank goodness for small favors…)

"Good day to you, My Lord," she said with a bow (she was in slacks today, so a curtsey would've looked silly.) "I came to inquire of His Honor's whereabouts. He has yet to return to the office, although your joint meeting with His Majesty has long since ended."

Dante sighed, dramatically. "So formal, even though you don't have to be. Where did I go wrong?" Pristina said nothing, not wanting to rise to the bait. Seeing that, Dante shrugged. "Sorry, but I don't know where Sans went. We split up after seeing Asgore and I haven't seen him since. I assumed he was going to his office."

*He is ALWAYS doing this! Pristina thought to herself as her jaw tightened. She closed her eye sockets, took a deep breath and held it for a slow ten-count before letting it out. *If I guessed how difficult this job would be, I never would've volunteered for it, she thought to herself.

Grandfather Rockwell (though he was technically her great-great-so-on uncle) maintained the office of High Judge until his growing frailty forced him to retire a few years before his passing. All of the lesser judges of the time were tested to find his successor, and Sans was the one to inherit their grandfather's hood. Despite whispers of nepotism, Pristina knew he'd earned it.

So why, in the name of all that was good and decent, did Sans keep doing this?! Running off god-only-knew-where, whenever he wanted to?! His antics frustrated her predecessors so much they kept quitting. He'd gone through so many secretaries that people joked he wore them out like socks. Pristina knew she was just the latest victim of the whimsical side of her cousin's nature. If only he could apply the same effort he gave special cases to every other aspect of his job, things would be fine!

Then again, he'd probably wear himself out, if he did. And if she hadn't become his secretary, who'd be there to look after the big lug?

"Feeling any better?" asked Dante. Pristina opened her eyes to find a commiserating look on his face. "It's not easy, I know. Sansy's always been a handful and a half, and the way he's been running around, trying to get to the bottom of what happened to the princess isn't helping. And he's always been very good at sneaking away for naps in between bursts of activity. But I guess that's part and parcel to what makes him who he is."

"I know. I just wish…" Pristina trailed off, not sure what she wished for her cousin.

Dante smiled understandingly. "I know, cinna-bun. But do you want to know the funny thing?" When Pristina nodded he said, "I'm willing to bet that, by the time you get back to your office, all that paperwork will be done. Signatures, initials, seals of office, the whole deal."

Pristina was doubtful. "Just how much of a bet?"

"How about… a date, if I'm right? Just one."

"And if you're wrong?"

"If I'm wrong… I guess I'll kick Sans off my office couch for a week."

Pristina was tempted. Very tempted. She didn't really want to go on a date with Dante, but an entire week of one less place to look for him? It was too good to pass up.

"Very well, My Lord. You're on." They shook on it, sealing the deal. Pristina returned to her office, intent on showing Dante unsigned paperwork.

When she got back, every singe page was done. Every signature was in place, every initial, all the stamps and seals and dates were perfect. Her pupils nearly bugged out of her head, she was so flabbergasted.

And there was no other sign Sans came anywhere near the office! Granted, he had his own keys to the door, but the pickle jar he kept on his desk to snack and drink from still held four spears, the same as when she left to look for him. He'd never miss an opportunity to grab one, normally. The amount of brine was the same, too. Did he leave it alone just to make her doubt he'd ever been here?

Thinking on it, she had a feeling Sans and Dante somehow conspired to generate this outcome. It was just like the two of them to pull something like this. They owed each other favors going back decades, and they'd probably spend the rest of their lives trading them in. She really should have kept that in mind before agreeing to the bet.

And, knowing her cousin, this wouldn't be the only prank he'd be pulling on her today.

Suspicious, Pristina checked her chair and found a whoopee cushion. She tossed it into the usual corner before sitting down. She opened a drawer in her desk…

…and yet another whoopee cushion sang its crude little song as she did. Somehow, in the short time Sans had until she returned, he did all his paperwork and rigged her desk. There were probably more such traps waiting for her all over the office, if he was on one of his prank binges.

If Pristina wasn't feeling so humiliated she'd be impressed. But now, because of him, she had to go on a date with someone nicknamed "the horny drake." Pulling her c-phone out of her pocket, she sent her cousin a text message before getting back to work.

Sans was laying on his couch in Snowdin when his c-phone chirped, letting him know he received a message. Then it went off again, and again as more and more messages came in. Reaching past the empty glass of pickling brine he'd enjoyed after a hard day's pranking, he scrolled through them, chuckling all the while.

From Dante: Thanks, pal. Consider us even for That Time. You know, the one where the slime thought you were flirting? *wink* Love you! *kissy lips*

From Frisk: How did you have the time to put a whoopee cushion in my sleeping bag, up here on the surface? *confused face*

From Toriel: Our little friend seems to be enjoying its new mattress. Thank you, Sans! *smiley face* Attached was a photo of the snail that nearly suffocated him a few days ago, sliming up the whoopee cushion he left in Toriel's teapot. The cushion was still inflated, making that prank a bust. Then again, he'd shoved it in there pretty tight. If she was feeling sneaky, she could have deflated it to get it out, then inflated it for her picture… Sans continued scrolling, tucking the thought into the back of his mind.

From Papyrus: OH MY GOD WHEN DID YOU PUT WHOOPEE CUSHIONS IN MY BOOTS I DIDN'T KNOW THEY CAME THAT SMALL!?

From Talia: Thank you for leaving whoopee cushions in the children's ward. The damn things haven't stopped going since the kids found them. I like hearing them laugh as much as anyone, but come on.

From Pristina: Sans, I love you. But if I get my hands on you today, I will roll you into a snow poff and LEAVE you there!

From Alphys: Whoopee cushions on my shelves so they poot when I put books back? Really? =/

By the time he was done reading them all, Sans' ribs were hurting from his laughter. Roman didn't know his c-phone number, otherwise he'd let him know how fired up Sans' pranks left him feeling. But these reactions were what he pranked people for (despite the risk of failure), and he relished the confusion he engendered in the people around him.

On days like this, guys like him just needed a laugh to make them feel better about everything else going on in their life. Maybe next time he could recruit Frisk to help him out? Sans smiled fondly at the thought.

Kiddo always looked like she needed a laugh, too.