Hotel Lez
Chapter 5
"Ahhhh… a nice bubble bath in the bubble bath lounge" Jean sighs in ecstasy as she and the others relaxed in the massive queen sized bubble bathtub
"Mm-hmm. And it definitely goes great with some Chianti" Kelly replied, taking a sip of her drink
"Mmm…" Stella moaned lustily as she snored softly, Bloom cuddling with her
"Ok ladies, let's dry off. My skin's beginning to prune" Jean said, getting out of the tub
"yeah, you heard her, let's get up and do somethin'" Maya replied
At the bank…
"ok, so that's $3.4 credits for our guzzoline, $2.5 for electric bill, $3.45 for food and $75.6 for general" Stella calculated on her datapad
"see? I told you math isn't so hard" Tecna smirked, Maya rolling her eyes
"ok girls, have a nice day" the bank manager said, the girls thanking him as they headed back to the hotel
Later…
"mmm… gosh, these pillows are so soft" Stella yawned, relaxing in the lounge room
"yeah. No wonder all the drinks in here are Zzzquill" Tecna commented, taking a sip of one before falling on the bed, fast asleep
"wow. All this food is so yummy" Maya grunted, chowing down on a bowl of pretzel sticks
"uh Maya honey… those pretzels are laced with Zzzquill" Lilith said, Maya swallowing her food, laying her head down and drifting off to sleep
"Maya? Maya, are you awake?" Tecna asked, shaking Maya's shoulder, the siren snoring loudly, her eyes closed tight as drool formed on her lip
"ok, I'm getting up. I wonder what's on TV" Stella said, waking up
"wow! Stella, this is actually the 1st time you decided not to fall asleep" Luna said, happy
"eh, it's all about self-control" Stella shrugged, turning on Everybody Loves Raymond
"mmm… what a great nap…" Maya yawned, rubbing her sleepy eyes
"hey killer. You really gotta turn the volume down on your snoring" Lilith remarked
"can we do a musical number now?" Supergirl asked excitedly
"honey, honey; we did that twice in the previous chapter. I think enough is enough" Helga said calmly
"oh come on Miss Helga, please?" Supergirl begged, showing her precious puppy dog eyes
"aww…." Helga awed before nodding her head
"YAY!" Supergirl cheered loudly, waking everyone in the hotel up
"WHAT? WHAT IS IT? IS THE HOTEL ON FIRE?" Wanda shrieked hysterically, walking in with her girlfriends Keesha and Dorothy Ann
"no sweetie. No fire" Helga said warmly
"…oh" Wanda said before all 3 walked off, whistling the 1st verse of This Jesus Must Die
"um… hmm… I got it" Supergirl exclaimed, whispering it into Helga's ear
"oh my… Kara, are you sure about this?" Helga asked, Supergirl nodding excitedly and whispering more
"hmmm… I don't know… it might… uh-huh… ooh, very fascinating…" Helga said, the others listening in
"I'm shivering with antici…" Dinah giggled
"SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT" everyone chanted crazily
"…pation" Dinah finished before loud music blared
Supergirl:
How do you do? I
See you've met my
Faithful handyman
He's just a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were
The Candyman
Don't get strung out
By the way I look
Don't judge a book
By it's cover
I'm not much of a man
By the light of day
But by night
I'm one hell of a lover
"oh… my… god" Cordelia gasped, Kaylee fainting with a smile on her face as Supergirl revealed her black lingerie suit in all her glory
Supergirl:
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transsexual Transylvania
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound
Y'all look like you're both pretty groovy
Or if you want something visual
But not too abysmal
We could take in an old Keanu Reeves movie
Huntress:
I'm glad we caught you at home
Could we use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry
We'll just say where we are
And go back to the car
We don't wanna be any worry
Supergirl:
Well y'all got caught with a flat
Well, how 'bout that
Well babies, don't you panic
By the light of the night
It'll be alright
I'll get you a satanic mechanic
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transsexual Transylvania
"Ok stop! Cut, cut, cut! Let's stop right there before we get in trouble" Helga hollered, halting the extremely bizarre number
"Thanks. I was getting kinda hot in this thing anyway" Supergirl said, zipping down her suit before Helga and Crysta stopped her
"um… I think you'll wanna do that somewhere in private" Crysta said
"you mean like when a bear does something in the woods?" Supergirl asked, everyone facepalming in disgust
"um… no, no honey. I mean, the ladies' room" Helga translated
"…oh" Supergirl said, flying off into the women's bathroom
Later that same day…
"ugh, soap operas are soooo yesterday…" Clover yawned, as she, Dinah, Huntress, Shepard, Kelly, Nyssa, Livewire, Volcana, Westmoreland, Campbell and the others were in the TV room watching a full 24 hour marathon of General Hospital
"eh, I watch it just for the sex scenes" Campbell said, chewing on a Crunch candy bar
"Sarah! You're married to ME! We see those ladies in the 13th floor" Westmoreland snapped
"you mean *on* the 13th floor" Helga corrected
"Helga was a grammar teacher in school" Kelly said to the others
"Ohhh…" everyone said, understanding
"ugh, Leslie, quit drooling on my purse" Alex groaned, shoving a snoring Livewire off the couch
"mmm… the floor's much more cozier" Livewire mumbled
"oh get up, you lazybones" Bethany snapped, about to tap her until Helga grabbed her hand
"sweetie, remember that little talk we had about what we use to touch Leslie?" Helga asked
"use electro-resistant gloves" Bethany said, waking Livewire up with a gentle nudge with her gloves
"mmm… hey it's alright kid, I wouldn't zap you. You're one of us" Livewire said, giving Bethany a warm hug
"aww…" everyone awed as Bethany hugged back
"Leslie, that's so nice of you" Bethany said cheerfully, as Marian braided her hair
Later that night…
"seriously, Helga? Out of all the other movies we could've rented at Al's Mega Nostalgia VHS Shop, you just HAD to pick the one film we all love to hate" Aurora complained
"hey, what are we watching for tonight?" Black Canary asked excitedly
"Dinah, pop quiz; what large thing spits out lava, erupts and starts with the letter V?" Olga asked quizzically
"uh…" Dinah thought, drool forming on her lip
"hoo boy…" Livewire moaned, checking her watch until Dinah snapped out of her daze
"VOLCANO" Dinah exclaimed
"ding ding! We have a winner in the Girls with Best IQ contest" Miranda snarked
"trust me girls, when this is over, I'll rent a much more suitable film" Helga assured
"so long as it's not frogs attacking people or toxic dessert food or poisonous liquor or animals going crazy after the ozone layer depletes, or large radioactive ants, or a crazy person inviting her enemies to her birthday party, or a shopping mall with killer robots, or God sending dozens and dozens of angels to kill all mankind, or a large tarantula running amok…" Dinah said
"Honey, I think you just named every single most cheesiest and most terrible horror movie in existence" Huntress commented as the movie started
"Hmmm… it's set in Los Angeles… this doesn't sound so bad" Crysta commented
"Crysta, I don't think you were paying close attention to the cover on the box" Livewire lampshaded
"Yeah? It's not like it's a movie about a volcano erupting and OH MY GOD" Crysta shrieked
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH" everyone screamed
"Ladies, ladies, ladies! Calm down! It's only…. Oh my dear Lord, that is definitely unpleasant" Helga retched
"What? What's everyone screaming and hollering about… GAAAAAHHHH" Samantha and Tabitha yelled
"it's MEN! All the main cast members are MEN! And-and the females are only in minor roles" Kelly explained
"ladies, we should make our own version of this film. I call it… Volcana" Helga exclaimed
"wait a minute… you want ME to be the star of your all-girl movie?" Volcana asked excitedly
"I DIE! I FALL THROUGH A TRENCH AND I DIE" Ellie protested loudly
"and Action" Helga barked through the megaphone as everyone got to work
"Ok people listen up, here's what south of us; no more museums, no more department stores, just homes! If we turn around now, they'll be defenseless! You don't like my plan, that's good. Gimme another plan, but don't tell me we're backing out" Kelly hollered dramatically
"and print! That was excellent work, Kelly. Good job on the delivery of your lines" Helga complimented
"hey c'mon it's acting" Kelly said selflessly
FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY!
SEE THE NEW DISASTER MOVIE WITH A HELL LAVA GIRL POWER
HOTEL LEZ PRESENTS
KELLY CHAMBERS MAKING HER 1ST STARRING DEBUT IN…
VOLCANA
SHE'S HOTTER THAN HELL- AND WE MEAN LITERALLY!
NOW SHOWING AT THE REGAL HOTEL LEZ
"Here's to our first successful movie" Helga said, everyone clinking their glasses in celebration
"That was really fun! I can't wait to see the look on Fox's face when they see we outperformed them" Dinah gushed
"Next time can we do like an American She-Wolf in London?" Kelly asked excitedly, everyone imagining it
COMING SOON
DON'T MISS…
THE NEWEST FILM FROM HOTEL LEZ STUDIOS
AELA THE HUNTRESS AND LESLIE "LIVEWIRE" WILLIS STAR IN…
AN AMERICAN SHE-WOLF IN LONDON
A DIFFERENT KIND OF ANIMAL… WITH A DIFFERENT KIND OF BITE
WRITTEN FOR THE SCREEN AND DIRECTED BY: HELGA K. SINCLAIR
MUSIC BY COMA DOOF WARRIOR AND THE WARRIORETTES
EDITING BY DEXTER GRIF AND RICHARD DICK SIMMONS
STUNT CASTING BY SARGE AND TEX
No actual werewolves were harmed in the making of this film
"Helga, our business is a booming! We got so many new customers/guests" Kelly said excitedly
"Hmmm… business a booming…" Helga thought, another idea popping into her head
COMING SOON FROM HOTEL LEZ STUDIOS
AN ALL NEW WW2 ALL GIRL ROMP
ROSE OF SHARON CASSIDY STARS IN HELGA K. SINCLAIR'S
INGLOURIOUS BLONDES
Co-starring
KELLY CHAMBERS
LESLIE "LIVEWIRE" WILLIS
ANDROID 18
SEVEN OF NINE
GOLDIE AND WENDY
SUSAN IVANOVA
And THE CONTESSA as CONTESSA LANDA
Special guest stars
SNOW WHITE
PRINCESS ODETTE
GIGANTA
EMMA and JEAN FROST
SELENE
And HELGA K. SINCLAIR as HERSELF
"Hey Helga? We have a problem. A really, really, REALLY big problem" Volcana said nervously
"What did Kara do this time?" Helga groaned, rubbing her sore forehead
"Remember those bimbo pills?" Livewire asked
"Yes, I remember throwing them out, why?" Helga asked
"Well… you see…" Livewire trailed as a truly geeky Supergirl walked in
"Oh…my…Hera" Wonder Woman gasped, fainting
"Oh boy, this isn't gonna end well…" Westmoreland said to Campbell
"Shall we stay outta this until this is over?" Campbell asked to Westmoreland
"mm-hmm" both answered, dashing off
"Kara! Kara! What's the square root of 34?" Alex asked her younger sister
"Omg, like I totally hate math! It's like, so totally stupid" Supergirl said, giggling
"Oh no, no, no, no…." Helga moaned, banging her head against the wall
"Hehehehe that sounds fun" Supergirl said like an idiot blonde
"WHO GAVE KARA THOSE PILLS?" Helga shrieked, everyone freezing
"Um…" Supergirl thought, drool forming on her lip
"Oh good grief" Helga moaned, realizing Supergirl's IQ was so low she swallowed the pills herself
"Um… actually this new Kara is much nicer and friendlier" Alex said as Kara gave her big sis a foot rub
"Alex, um, not to be a critic, but aren't you taking advantage of the fact that your sister's a total moron?" Meg asked
"Hehehehehe you're so silly Meg" Supergirl giggled innocently
"That's it, I'm calling Arkham Asylum immediately" Meg deadpanned, dialing the phone
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Helga roared, aiming her pistol at Meg's head
"ooh…." Everyone oohed
"we never, ever, ever betray our sisters like that. Do I make myself clear?" Helga asked
"crystal" Meg replied, a bit shaken
"ok" Helga responded, back to her formal, polite self again
"I'm bored" Supergirl said childishly as Alex scooped her up
"c'mon little sis, let's go to our room for some quiet time" Alex said, rubbing Kara's back
"…what the hell just happened?" Livewire asked, astonished
"to be honest, I have no idea" Helga answered
Later…
"how is she?" Kelly asked as Alex came into the game room
"I got her down for her nap. She'll be asleep all day" Alex answered
"how'd you convince her to do that?" Kelly asked
"I bribed her with some ice cream" Alex answered, taking a sip of her tea
"oh no… Jigglypuff's… singing again…" Meg yawned, everyone drifting off to sleep
One Jigglypuff-induced nap later…
"oh my. How long was I asleep?" Helga yawned, looking around to see everyone else sleeping
"aww…" Helga awed softly, tiptoeing over to where Maya was sleeping
"Maya? Maya, honey, wake up" Helga crooned, Maya grunting and yawning loudly
"Wake up sleepyhead" Helga cooed, shaking Supergirl's shoulder as she snored
"Uhn… what a great nap… I had such good dreams" Supergirl yawned, waking up
"Ohhh… what time is it?" Alex yawned, waking up, rubbing her sleepy eyes
"Mmm… turn off the lights… I'm still sleeping" Livewire mumbled, finally opening her eyes
"oh my, what a lovely sleep…" Jean said, waking up
"Mmm… what a mystifying snooze…" Morrigan commented, opening her eyes
"Mmm… five more minutes…" Batgirl whined, waking up
"well… ooh, I haven't slept that long since I was a baby" Bethany murmured
"Uhn… ooh that was a good snooze" Kelly yawned, stretching out as she awoke
"Ooohhh... I had the weirdest dream I was a bimbo…" Supergirl murmured, rubbing her sleepy eyes
"wait WHAT? It was… all a dream?" Helga gasped in shock
"um, duh" Kaylee deadpanned, getting up
"wow, you inherited Nana's snarkiness" Gwen moaned
"it runs in the family" Kaylee replied, switching on Teen Wolf
"ooh! Guys, guys! They're showing a documentary on the Oil and Water Wars" Livewire said excitedly
"sweet! I want in" Supergirl exclaimed, grabbing a 12 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and a bag of popcorn
Later…
"…wow. That was… certainly something" Kitty Kowalski said in awe
"hmmm? Sorry about that. I nodded off" Helga murmured, waking up
"uh guys? We got a new customer" Westmoreland said excitedly
"really? Who is she?" Helga asked, perking up excitedly
"well… here's the funny thing… she's a mummy" Campbell said sheepishly
"what?" Aela asked
"yeah, that's what I just said. She's a 3,000 year old mummy" Campbell said
"...oh dear" Evadora gulped
TO BE CONTINUED….