Hotel Lez
Chapter 6
"oh my gosh… a real mummy… in our hotel" Helga gasped in awe as she and everyone gathered around it
"Eeewww, it's all icky and grotesque" Bethany whined
"Aw suck it up, will you? It's just dead worms, larva and GYAAAAAAHHHH" Livewire shrieked as she opened the mummy's tomb
"…well, there's something you don't see every day" Helga said, chuckling lightly, everyone staring at her
"I really don't think this is the appropriate time for that type of humour" Lydia deadpanned
"look, her name's on it! Anck-Su-Namun" Ariel gasped, reading the hieroglyphics
"wait, what the Stoker? You can speak Egyptian?" Android 18 asked, doing a double take
"I learned a few tricks of the trade in university" Ariel grinned
"yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok look, we cant have this… thing in here, it'll scare away customers" Meg snapped
"Megara! We do not treat our female kind like that. She is a welcome guest in this house" Helga retorted
"oh my god, it's alive, IT'S ALLLLLIIIIVVVVVEEEEEE" Livewire hollered dramatically as the mummy literally regenerated
"where… where am I?" Anck-Su-Namun asked in English
"the Hotel Lez" Helga answered
"what is the year?" Anck-Su-Namun asked
"2016" Esmerelda answered
"…2016? So, I'm in the future?" Anck-Su-Namun asked in awe
"if you wanna call it that, yes" Anya replied
"well, where are the flying cars?" Ancksunamun asked
"come again?" Rikke asked
"flying cars, floating buildings, that type of future" Ancksunamun said
"… no, no, no sweetie, we aren't all the way there… yet" Huntress assured, raising her eyebrows
"um…" Helga thought, ordering everyone to huddle around her as Ancksunamun wandered around the hotel
"we have got to keep her here and show her how the modern world behaves" Helga hissed
"I know, right? She looks like she stumbled outta Quantum Leap" Livewire snickered
"Leslie, for the sake of our business and our livelihood, I insist you take this matter seriously" Helga snarled
"ok, ok sheesh, I'll simmer down on the one-liners" Livewire moaned, rolling her eyes
"ok, we're gonna need a room for her to stay in and someone to keep her company" Helga continued
"how about Leslie?" Bethany suggested, everyone staring at Leslie
"no way, uh-uh, I am not spending my sweet hard-paid time with that little she-devil" Livewire refused
"I'll increase your paycheck" Helga groaned, rolling her eyes
"BOOMMM! Shakalaka!" Livewire exclaimed
"Is… is that your thing? That's the thing you do?" Aela asked
"you bet your sweet booty it is, girl! Come here sugar, Livewire here's gonna give you some good ol American hospitality" Livewire said affably, taking Ancksunamun up the staircase
"a new guest… with Livewire?" Supergirl asked nervously
"here they come again, worming their way into the black matters of our brains…" Helga said forebodingly
"oh, for the love of… will you knock it off? It's not like she's straight or anything…" Jean remarked
"GUYS! Anck-su-na what's her name says she's straight" Livewire gasped
"… you just had to say that didn't you?" Helga said, narrowing her eyes into slits at a scared, sheepish Jean
Advert break
Helga: Closed captioning for Hotel Lez has been paid for and brought to you in part by the following…
Poison Ivy: Hello ladies. Are you single? Are you straight? Are you looking to learn your inner girl? Then come on down to Auntie Ivy's Chateau. We take all the eligible lovely ladies of Calitoonia and treat them with dignity, royalty and grace. So come on down, have a whiff of my pheromones and… what happens in Auntie Ivy's stays at Auntie Ivy's
We now return to our following programme
"…and we're back" Helga gasped, everyone getting back into position
"wow, Ivy's ad was very… um, arousing…" Supergirl said, panting as beads of sweat dripped from her head
"no kidding" Aela snarked
Laugh track
"wait, what the? How in the hell did we get paired with a laugh track?" Helga asked
In case you didn't read the memo Hotel Lez will now be filmed and written live in front of a studio audience
Signed,
Your boss,
Mr. Bram Stoker
"five, four, three, two, one and…" Helga counted down just before
"BOOOMMMM! Shakalaka" Livewire exclaimed loudly, teleporting in with a loud zap
Audience cheering
"thank you, thank you! Awww, now y'all are making me blush" Livewire said, blushing
"Something tells me this is gonna become a running gag…" Helga murmurs
"Helga, I wanna thank you so much for you and your daughters into letting me stay" Ancksunamun said happily
"Ancksunamun say WHAAAATTT?" Livewire gasped overdramatically
Loud audience laughter
"Wow Leslie, you're really stealing the show here" Kelly exclaimed
"Wait a second! I thought this was a book" Lydia argued
"Ladies, ladies, LADIES! HEY!" Helga barked, bellowing over the squabbling Kelly and Lydia
"if the readers want it to be a show, then we'll keep it that way" Helga said calmly
"ok, I'm sorry" Kelly and Lydia said in unison, shaking hands and kissing one another
"um daughters? I don't know what your term for us is in your world but there's somethin' we probably should've told you earlier" Livewire said, glancing at Helga
"well, what is it? Why is it called Hotel Lez?" Ancksunamun asked curiously
"here goes…" Helga said to herself, inhaling
"we're all lesbians" Crysta said, cutting Helga off
"…oh. That's awesome" Ancksunamun exclaimed
"uh-oh" Aunt Clara said, gulping
"I totally gotta change! Aaahh, after 3,000 years, I'm free! It's time to conquer a lesbian" Ancksunamun declared
"Livewire, what did you do?" Helga asked, holding Livewire by her shirt collar
"I… I, um, I may have said a little too much stuff…" Livewire whimpered
"a little? A LITTLE? Leslie, now she… ooh, she… she thinks I'm your mother" Helga says in disgust
"hmmm… I could get used to calling you mama" Livewire purred
"PBBTT" Supergirl snickered, doubling over with sheer glee
"Knock it off Kara" Alex moaned
"oh come on relax. She's fitting in well" Maya said as the spa girls oohed and awed over Ancksunamun's body
"How long do you think it'll take until everyone realizes she's not actually a lesbian and just a confused, out of time, out of place, 3,000 year old mummy?" Aela asked
"I… I don't know" Helga answered
"Well I'm heading to the chow hall and secure some Oreos. I got a diet to keep up. Break time" Supergirl said, flying off
"Honeymoon's over numbnuts, you're back down to number seven!" Helga bellowed
"Oh yeah? Well *I* saw the tank too" Supergirl retorted
"hold it, HOOOOLLLLD EVERYTHING" Livewire exclaimed, taking Supergirl's red kryptonite and smashing it
"uhn… I feel dizzy…" Supergirl said woozily, staggering around
"YAY! THE RED KRYPTONITE MAKING HER A CRAZY ASS BITCH HAS BEEN DESTROYED" everyone cheered
"The who with the what now?" Supergirl asked
"Kara! Kara! How many fingers am I holding up?" Alex gasped
"uh… who are you?" Supergirl asked curiously
"oh… crap" Livewire exclaimed
"this bad, very, very, very, VERY BAD" Helga gasped
"MY POOR BABY SISTER HAS AMNESIA" Alex blubbered dramatically
"oh for goodness sakes, calm down! She'll recover in a day or two" Livewire assured comfortingly
"OW!" Supergirl exclaimed as she got hit on the head with a book
"Kara, are you alright?" Helga asked
"I… I remember everything now. I am she, I am the master of all the good thingies, I…AM…SUPERGIRL" Kara exclaimed dramatically
"OH THANK GOD MY BABY SISTER'S BACK TO NORMAL" Alex wailed hysterically, planting kisses over Supergirl's face
"Ewwww! That's disgusting" Livewire retched
"I think this story/show is getting way too silly" Astra deadpanned
"you mean like Monty Python?" Supergirl asked, dressed in a goofy outfit
"oh no… first she became a bimbo… then she became a crazy-ass bitch… now she's just plain crazy" Helga moaned
"Hey, I got an idea… how's about I sing some Broadway showtunes?" Supergirl asked lewdly
"NOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT" Helga wailed
Supergirl:
A weakling
Weighing 98 pounds
Will get sand in his face
And kicked to the ground
And soon again
With a determined chin
The sweat from her gauze
As she works for her cause
She'll glisten
And gleam
And massage with a little bit of steam
She'll be pink
And quite clean
SHE'LL BE A STRRRROOOOOONNNNNGGG WOMAN
OHHHH HONEY
BUT THE WRRRRROOONNNNGGG WOMAN
IN JUST 7 DAYS
I CAN MAKE YOU A WOOOOMMAAAAANNNN
She'll do press ups
She thinks dynamic tension
Must be really hard work
But a DELTOID
And a BICEP
A HOT GROIN
And a TRICEP
Makes me ooh-hoo-hoo SHAKE
Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the hand
IN JUST 7 DAYS
I CAN MAKE YOU A WOMAN
DIG IT… IF YOU CAAAANNNN
IN JUST 7 DAYS
I CAN MAKE YOU A WOMAN
"…." Everyone was basically stunned
"wow" Alex uttered
"what'd ya think?" Supergirl asked eagerly
"it was… um, pretty damn good" Livewire said
"REALLY?" Supergirl asked excitedly
"oh geez, now she's hyper" Helga moaned as Supergirl ran up and down the walls gibbering
"hey, wasn't the plot supposed to be about a 3,000 year old mummy?" Aela asked
"no silly, we overused it. Since Kara's becoming the most popular character" Helga said
"aw come on, who doesn't love BOOOMMM! Shakalaka" Livewire exclaimed
Loud audience laughter
Later…
"Zzzzzz…" Supergirl snored loudly in her room
"ok, Kara's asleep. Thank goodness" Alex sighed in relief
"I'm AWAKE" Supergirl shouted, Helga spitting out her coffee
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES… PLEASE STAND BY…
"I'm sorry everyone. I'll try to be more self-controlled" Supergirl apologized
"It's ok sweetie, we all forgive you" Kelly said, everyone giving her a group hug
"Aww…" everyone awed
"I'm all scrunched up" Livewire moaned
Later…
"Ok, elephant in the room: is all of us sleeping in Kara's bed REALLY necessary?" Helga griped
"Mmm… yeah alright, set the alarm for 7…" Stella yawned, sticking her hand down Helga's nightgown
"Stella, what? What the hell is your hand doing in my ASS?" Helga gasped
"Kinky…" Batgirl yawned
"Seriously Barbara, cut the shit" Helga exclaimed
"She's having a wet dream again" Kelly explained
"Oy…" Helga moaned, popping some sleeping pills into her mouth and falling fast asleep, snoring loudly
"Oh cool, her eyes are white" Kelly exclaimed as Helga frothed at the mouth, snoring
"Ewwww… there's white goo on her nightie" Bethany retched
"Uh honey, that's actually…" Livewire said whispering into Bethany's ear
"BLAAAAAAAGGGH" Bethany heaved, vomiting into the toilet
"…oh that was really mature Leslie, really mature…" Megara snarked
"Hush up, drama queen" Livewire grumbled, turning on her side
"Mmm…mmm…" Supergirl moaned lustily in her sleep
"That's it! I'm outta here" Megara griped, falling out of the bed and landing onto the floor
"Mmm… the floor is much more comfy…" Megara moaned
"uh-uh-uh, nobody uses my catchphrases but me" Livewire said
"Ugh… all of you… go…to…SLEEP" Helga roared, spraying the whole room with sleeping gas
12 ¾ hours later…
"Mmmm…" Helga yawned, waking up with a big yawn
"Ugh… sleeping knocks me out" Supergirl groaned, eating waffles
"Mmm… what time is it?" Aela asked sleepily
"It is 10 in the AM" Livewire moaned, holding an icepack to her head
"mmm… not so loud… I have a headache" Kimberly groaned sorely
"ooh… I feel so tired…" Helga yawned, going back to sleep
12.5 hours later…
"ooohhh… I had a good nap…" Helga murmured, waking up at last
"well it's about time you got off your lazy ass, sleepyhead" Livewire snarked
"GUYS! Granny Goodness has been elected as The Pope!" Supergirl announced
"Supergirl SAY WHAAAAAATTTTTT?" Livewire exclaimed loudly
"That's it. It's time to go back to my old job" Evy announced
"what's that?" Kim Possible asked
"I'm gonna assassinate The Pope" Evy explained
"…what?" Helga asked in shock
"ooh! A new Pope election has now resulted in an assassination attempt! Will Evy resume her old assassin ways? Will Helga maintain her sanity? And will Supergirl ever, ever, EVER keep her head out of the icebox? Tune in next time on Hotel Lez!" Livewire
exclaimed at the camera
TO BE CONTINUED…