Hotel Lez
Chapter 6
Helga: Hotel Lez has been written and filmed in front of a live studio audience
Livewire: BOOMMM! Shakalaka! What up, FanFiction? Livewire's in the house, bitches! So last time we found out Ancksunamun was an ancient 3,000 year old mummy; then Supergirl went all completely cuckoo after that cute little Pokémon marshmallow sang us all to sleep; and now little Miss Evy told us she's a hitwoman and is hired to assassinate The Pope
*really catchy 80s techno pop music*
"So here we are in Italy! Isn't this fun?" Supergirl asked happily
"Well, getting shot in the ass definitely wasn't fun" Livewire complained, rubbing her sore ass
"Ladies, focus on the problem at hand: we're here to stop Evy from assassinating The Pope" Helga said
"oh yeah, right, that" Supergirl said, gazing at a nun's butt
"come on ladies, the sooner we find Evy, the sooner we can stop this madness" Helga ordered
"Madness? THIS…IS…SATIRE!" Supergirl bellowed loudly
"ok, that's it, no more watching HBO before bed for you" Alex said
"look! There's the Pope! And… oh my god, she is sooo unholy" Bethany retched
"yeah, maybe she should be addressed as Her Unholiness" Livewire snickered loudly
"Ladies! Behave yourselves! We've got to be serious now. This is no time whatsoever for shenanigans, slapstick silliness or any of the sort" Helga ordered
"oh… we should listen to her. She's so smart" Kelly said
"thank you very much for that warm compliment" Helga replied softly
"ugh… I despise lesbians… they are an unholy lot… especially that blonde whippersnapper in the slutty outfit" Granny wheezed before coughing heavily
"oh my… guess she won't live long for her inauguration ball" Nyssa commented
"She's The Pope, Nyssa, not the President" Helga corrected
"well, she could be" Huntress piped up
"Focus, ladies, focus!" Helga barked, everyone paying attention
"Ok, let's go to the last place Evy was last seen" Helga ordered
Meanwhile, at the last place Evy was last seen…
"Have you seen this woman?" Idrial asked a passing by Italian couple
"Donde esta Evy?" Supergirl asked in Spanish
"Does anyone here speak English?" Arwen asked
"Um, we are in a foreign country, after all" Helga deadpanned
"Mi amore!" Rikke exclaimed in Italian
"Rikke, what… what the hell's that smell on your breath?" Helga asked, pinching her nose
"It's a-garlic! A-made by a-Mario!" Rikke replied goofily
"Oh dear, seems as if our dear Legate has overdosed those silly pills" Evadora moaned
"Mmm! This garlic tastes really good" Supergirl grunted, chewing on a garlic clove
"Kara! That… that is… ooh, never mind…" Alex scoffed
"Look girls! My new nails match! They're sooo fantabulous" Cousin Mel gushed
"Fantabulous isn't a word" Helga said
"WELL IT IS NOW" Cousin Mel snarled
"Oh my god! Where the hell's Evy when you need her? She's got a much better life instead of shooting some old geezer in a big hat shaped like a vagina" Batgirl whined
"Barbara, language" Helga reminded
"ugh… yes Mom" Batgirl groaned
"ooh! A lasagna! I want it" Livewire chirped
"Leslie, no…" Helga started, holding the crazed meta by the collar
"please Helga, a girl's gotta eat, you know that" Livewire complained
"Leslie, you are NOT GONNA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS…" Helga said before Livewire dashed off
"…situation" Helga finished as Livewire swallowed all the lasagna
"mm-mmm, that was some damn good food" Livewire exclaimed, rubbing her belly
"Nice work Leslie, you just *had* to get distracted from our mission so you could fill your belly" Supergirl snarked
"hey, that was a good comeback, kiddo. I see you got some training from your big sister" Livewire grinned
"wow. Nice to know I'm being added into your weird conversation" Alex deadpanned
"what the hell kind of a mission is this? All we're doing is standing and talking" Helga complained
"yup. That's all we've done in the past 5 episodes" Supergirl commented
"True dat, yo" Livewire quipped
"hey I have a question" Bethany said
"does it have anything to do with this situation?" Helga asks
"well…." Bethany started
"Hoo boy, The Pope's a goner" Livewire groaned, slapping her forehead
"oh come on, we must accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative…" Kelly sang
"Unless you're about to sing a Peggy Lee song, I'd stop right there" Helga quickly said
"Ooh! Where? I wanna get her autograph" Supergirl said excitedly
"Kara, Kara, Kara; look at me; she's been dead for a hundred years" Helga explained
"…Oh" Kara said
Later…
"wow guys, this cannoli sandwich really is delicious" Supergirl exclaimed, munching on a loaf of bread
"Kara, sweetie, you're eating a breadstick! We had a cannoli for lunch" Helga explained
"ugh, I cant stand this godawful smell of cigars in this hotel" Aela complained
"hey, hey, hey! Let's not forget why we're here; we're here to save His Holiness from one of us" Livewire said
"um Leslie, this time The Pope is a she. Oh and she's old. Like really, Reeaaaalllly old. Almost Old Mother Hubbard old. By the way, where's Supergirl?" Kelly asked
"I'm right here silly goose" Supergirl giggled, ruffling Kelly's hair playfully
"oh yeah. Gee I kinda have the feeling we forgot something" Kelly said, burrowing her eyebrows
"by the way boss lady, who'd you leave in charge of the hotel?" Nyssa asks
"um, I left Westmoreland and Campbell in charge" Helga said
"you telling me you left those two blockheads in charge? They're so incompetent and lazy…" Lydia says
Back at Hotel Lez…
"Dear Guys; we left to Italy to stop Evy from assassinating The Pope. We left Westmoreland and Campbell in charge. We should be back in less than a few days or weeks depending on filler of course. By the way; STAY OUT OF THE MINIBARS. That includes you Shego
Signed,
Helga
PS- please get rid of all the red kryptonite before we get home" said Jean
"Wow, they're gonna save The Pope? That's awesome! Hoo-de-hoo!" Kitty cheers
"Ladies, ladies! This could be dangerous! We gotta go to Italy and help them" Jean says
"that's right. Italy is filled with mobsters, hoods, thieves, terrorists, scumbags, all that stuff…" Dazzler says
"Hmmm… we should go talk to Dr. Lara about getting some good equipment before we go" Maya said
"yeah, Maya's right. Ok Ancksunamun, you and the rest stay here and guard the hotel until we get back. Everyone else, you're with me. We're gonna stop a major assassination" Jean ordered
"um… who's the new Pope?" Big Barda asked
"oh yeah… that'd be Granny Goodness" Maya said nonchalantly
"wait… Vault Hunting Siren say WHAAAATTT?" Volcana exclaimed
"gee, you really ARE Livewire's girlfriend" Kaylee commented
Meanwhile, back in Italy…
"So… how in the hell did Granny Goodness of ALL people become The Pope?" Kelly asked curiously
"To be honest, I have no idea anyway" Helga said calmly
"Hmmm… maybe she bribed The Vatican" Nyssa said, making a theory
"Oh please don't be ridiculous. This is a comedy, not CSI" Helga scoffed
"Unless…" Aurora said
"wait, what? Do you have a theory?" Cinderella asked
"nah, I always wanted to say unless in a very serious situation" Aurora chuckled sheepishly
"so… um, Whaddya wanna do now?" Supergirl asked, wearing her jammies
"I just wanna lay around and do absolutely nothin" Idrial grumbled
"are you kidding me? All in the past 5 chapters/episodes, that's all we've been doing" Kelly gasps
"…oh yeah right" Holli said, understanding
"Look! There's Evy!" Livewire gasped, finding Evy sleeping on the floor
"rise and shine, desperado" Helga cooed, waking Evy up
"hmmm… I had the weirdest dream…" Evy yawned, waking up
"yeah, you dreamed you was an assassin and tried to kill The Pope" Rogue said
"well it ain't a dream no more, cupcake" Helga snarked
"you mean… I'm out in Italy? How the hell did I afford all the money?" Evy asked
"um… you stole all of Aria's piggy bank money" Rikke said
"ah, say no more" Helga sighs
"I didn't even know we had a piggy bank" Spencer said
"oh hi Spencer, hey Paige, how'd you find us here?" Kelly asks
"oh it's real easy: we followed your Twitter homepage" Paige answered
"lemme guess you got my MeTube account?" Livewire asks
"yup" Paige answered
"oh you're so smart, such a little miss smarty-pants" Aria snarked
"FOOOOUUNNND YOOOOUUUU" Westmoreland and Campbell announced, barging in with half of the Hotel Lez gang
"what in the… I told you numbskulls to guard the hotel" Helga griped
"we thought y'all was in trouble" Tiana said
"Oh… turns Evy was sleeptalking about assassinating The Pope" Helga said just before sirens rang out
"HALT! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST" a policeman announced
"uh-oh" Helga gulped
"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP" the policeman said
"um… permission to retaliate?" Supergirl asked nervously
"yes" Helga answered
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH" Supergirl screamed, wailing like a hysterical woman
"oh my god, really? THAT's what you call retaliating?" Helga said, slapping her forehead
"TO BE CONTINUED…