Hotel Lez
Chapter 7
Helga: Hotel Lez is filmed in front of a live studio audience
*theme music starts*
"so we ditched the cops and now we're all wanted fugitives for supposedly shooting and killing The Pope?" Supergirl asked
"in a nutshell yes" Livewire grunted, driving like a maniac in the getaway car
"we just ran over a few nuns" Alex said
"eh, just relax. They were pretty much gonna go anyway" Livewire shrugged, before a Mercedes cut her off
"AW, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOIN, YOU LAMEASS" Livewire hollered, shaking her fist out the window
"um, Leslie, honey, stay on the road" Volcana said nervously
"sure thing babe. By the way, are you sweating lava beads again?" Livewire asked
"uh…" Volcana started sheepishly
"great. Now not only am I gonna be charged for having us get away with murder, I now have to add motor insurance to my long list of complaints" Livewire grumbled
"hey look! A clergyman! Let's give him a lift" Bethany said excitedly
"EEYAAAAAHHHH! HE GOT A GUN" Storm screamed
"DRIVE, LESLIE, DRIVE" Helga hollered, Livewire flooring the gas pedal
"Ouchies…" Supergirl moaned, hitting the main window
"Kara! Kara, honey, are you alright?" Alex asked
"Yeah I… I just boinked my head" Supergirl giggled before passing out, snoring softly
"well Kara's out of commission for now. Now what?" Livewire asked, ducking as gunfire burst through the window
"now they're shooting at us! This is just embarrassing" Wonder Girl griped
"ok ladies, cover your ears" Helga ordered, tossing a grenade at the enemy cars
"BOOM! Shakalaka" Livewire exclaimed for effect
"yup, what'd I tell you? A running gag" Helga said to the readers
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT RKO RADIO NEWS BULLETIN; THE NEWLY ELECTED POPE HAS BEEN SHOT AND KILLED BY A GROUP OF 10 TO 30 WOMEN FROM AMERICA. THEY WERE LAST SEEN DRIVING OUT OF VENICE IN A CADILLAC. SUSPECTS ARE ALL ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS
"YAY! We're on the radio now! We're famous" Supergirl cheered
"no Kara, no time for woohooing. This is serious. We need to find the dirtbag who framed us" Helga said
"Yeah! And we gotta get back to the hotel for our shuffleboard tournament" Livewire added
"and bake my famed homemade chocolate cookie dough brownies" Volcana chimed in
"and finish watching The L Word on Netflix" Huntress piped up
The next day…
"ok here's where the police say The Pope was killed. Let's go investigate" Helga whispered softly, her and the girls sneaking into the church
"sneak, sneak, sneak…" Supergirl chanted softly, everyone staring at her
"oops" Supergirl gulped
"shhhh…" everyone shushed her
"KK" Supergirl replied, laying down and going to sleep
"not that shhhh you idiot" Alex hissed
"aww look she's dreaming…" Helga cooed as Supergirl snoozed
Madison:
I've seen you twice
In a short time
Only a week since we started
It seems to me
For every time
I'm getting more open hearted
Supergirl:
I was a slight impossible case
No one ever could reach me
But I think I can see in your face
There's a lot you can teach me
So I wanna know…
What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
What's the name of the game?
Can you feel it the way I do?
Tell me please
'Cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child
Beginning to grow
"STOP! STOP SINGING" Livewire hollered
"HALT! THEY'RE THE ONES WHO A-MURDERED THE POPE" a policeman hollered
"Uh-oh" Supergirl gulped nervously
"time to scram" Helga replied, everyone dashing out of the Vatican like madwomen
"way to go, numbnuts! Because of your musical number, we lost our only lead to clearing our names" Misty griped
"wait a sec… are you Misty Day or anime Misty?" Kelly asked
"anime Misty" Misty growled
"ohhh…. I see why Ash divorced you, something about purple…" Kelly trailed off
"BREEEEDIIINNNGGG" Cousin Mel cackled maniacally as she bred a massive herd of Vulpix
"oh no, now some of Brock has gotten into Mel… this just CANT end well" Helga moaned
"oh come on, we gotta accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative…" Supergirl sang melodically
"ok, knock it off with the Peggy Lee references. You wanna get sued?" Helga asked
"no sirree, ma'am. I'd rather be in my pod then be molested by Mary Sues" Supergirl answered truthfully
"good girl, Kara, good girl" Helga said comfortingly
"ugh, look I'm getting pretty sleepy, how's about we all go somewhere nice and quiet to rest?" Jean asked sleepily
"yeah, Jean's right. Jean I wish for a teddy bear, a new set of shoes and some maternity pants" Supergirl asked
"Um, Kara, just because my name's Jean it doesn't mean I'm a genie" Jean said
"aw, phooey" Supergirl pouted
"there, there Kara; when we're back in America, sissy will get you a brand new teddy" Alex said soothingly
"I love you big sis" Kara cooed, hugging Alex close
"I love you too" Alex said, hugging Kara back
Later…
"and once again, we're all sleeping in Kara's bed. Whoop de frigging do" Helga groaned
"mmm… turn off the lights… the alarm hasn't even gone off yet…" Stella whined, tossing and turning
"oy… no, no Ivy… that's MY Nicholas Sparks book…" Batgirl mumbled, snoring
"ok, this is the most weirdest and awkwardest night I've ever had" Helga declared
"um, awkwardest isn't a word" Nyssa said
"WELL IT IS NOW" Helga bellowed
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" everyone shushed her
"wait… did I leave the stove on?" Domino asked
"Domino, honey… please go to bed for all that is sacred and pink and pink" Helga murmured
"so… an Indian, a Frenchman and The Pope are all on a plane…" Livewire starts
"NO! No, no, no, no, no!" Helga barked
"ugh, you're more fun when you're in bed" Livewire griped
"well for your information I AM in bed, so I guess the joke's on you" Helga quipped
"you asking for a pillow fight?" Livewire asked, getting up
"I dunno, areyou?" Helga asked, doing the same
"Ladies first" Livewire snickered, smacking Helga in the face with a pillow
"why, you little…" Helga snickered, both girls squealing with joy
"mmm… please keep it down… I'm having dinner with Elizabeth Taylor…" Kelly mumbled
"Kelly! Liz Taylor's been dead for a million bazillion years" Nyssa gasped
"I know baby, I referred to Lindsay Lohan's portrayal of Liz Taylor" Kelly said
"…oh" everyone said
The next morning…
"good news! Our names have been cleared" Stella announced on the flight back to the USA
"don't tell me: you sleepwalked back to The Vatican, scared the hell outta the culprits, beat the crap outta them, then showed 'em to the cops so they knew it was them all the time" Helga spoke nonchalantly, sipping her coffee
"um Helga, that's decaffeinated coffee" Kelly whispered, Helga immediately closing her eyes and snoring softly
"Hehehehe" Kelly and Nyssa giggled playfully
Back at Hotel Lez…
"Kelly… we're home" Helga announced, Kelly gargling like a certain Wookie from Star Wars
"so how was Italy?" Eris asked, Supergirl answering in fluent Italian
"wait, what the? Kara can speak ITALIAN?" Helga gasped
"Mama Mia! Alex-a! We're-a out of-a lasagna" Supergirl gasped, dressed in red overalls
"ugh, I'll-a stop-a by the pawn shop" moaned Alex dressed in green overalls
"huh. I never thought they liked Mario" Livewire commented
"well apart from it being the most toughest platform game in the history of the entire world…" Aela trails off
Later…
"and lo and behold another running gag is born…" Helga moans as she's stuck with everyone sleeping in Kara's bed
"mmm… teddy…" Supergirl said childishly, hugging her teddy bear
"Ohhh…ooh…yes right there…mmm" Nyssa moaned sexily
The next morning…
"what the hey is this?" Android 18 asked as she saw the large blob on her plate
"it's rigatoni. Made from Italy" Supergirl said, dressed as a female Chef Boyardee
"ok Kara, I think you're taking this Italian thing a little too far…" Helga started
"ay! What's it a matter to you, eh?" Supergirl barked, gibbering in Italian
"…ooh my, someone's been brushing up on Italian school" Carmelita exclaimed
"Ello, Ello, allo! What's all this then, eh?" Neyla said in her Cockney accent, smoking her bubble pipe
"ok Neyla, you better pray to St. George that pipe of yours doesn't leave stains on my $4,000 carpet" Helga warned
"how much of this hotel do you own, anyway?" Kelly asked
"Kelly look at me, look at me: I. Can…buy…ANYTHING" Helga said
"ANYTHING?" Kelly asked excitedly
"Anything" Helga answered, winking at her
"Wow" Jean said, digging into her escargot
"Jean, you do realize you just ate my snail escargot, right?" Helga asked
"oh yes, I'm a very adventurous sort in fine dining" Jean said before drinking down her goblet of OJ juice
"how are you liking your Birdo Surprise, Shego?" Rikke asked Shego as she and Kim hungrily devoured the thing
"mm-mmm, it is dee-licious" Kim said exuberantly, belching loudly
"ulp… I'm stuffed like Monstro" Aela grumbled
"same here. I reeealllyyy need to workout" Morrigan agreed
"well good news: we got the gym right here" Giganta said, dragging a protesting Aela and Morrigan into the gym
"…uh…" Supergirl started, lost in thought
"Kara? Kara, honey" Alex said, snapping her fingers, Kara snapping out of her daze
"huh? Sorry, I was talking to the voices in my head" Kara explained quirkily
"Kara, I will never, ever understand you" Helga declared, raising her goblet
"Hehehehehe hehe…" Crysta giggled maniacally as Ariel and Thumbelina restrained her
"what in heaven's name happened to her?" Helga asked, alarmed
"WAAAAHHH" Padme wailed like I Love Lucy
"oh now what's up with you?" Helga asked
"Anakin told me he's gay and that he's in love with Obi-Wan" Padme sniffled
"little Jedi lover girl SAY WHAAAAATTTTT?" Livewire gasped loudly
TO BE CONTINUED…