Addison pulled the car out the hospital parking lot carefully, aware of her husband holding her semi-panicky daughter in the backseat. "What was that?" Lanie asked, looking around frantically with widened eyes.
"It was just a car backfiring, Lanie," Alex said.
"Oh," she said, settling back against the seat.
"It's only a couple of minutes until we get home, we're less than a mile away," Addison contributed from the front, making the right hand turn that would take them towards home.
"Oh," Lanie repeated.
The three of them were silent until the car pulled into the driveway. "I'll go get the door," Addison said. She unbuckled her seatbelt and ran up to the front door, propping it open. Alex helped Lanie out of the car, draping one of her arms across his shoulders so that he was supporting all her weight as they walked into the house.
Addison closed the front door, dropping her purse on the couch and watching as Alex carefully helped Lanie up the stairs. She crossed into the kitchen and rummaged around in the cupboard, coming up with some teabags. Getting the container she used to heat water, she filled it from the filter in the sink and put it in the microwave. Unwrapping the tea bags, she draped them over three mugs, and she grabbed the sugar and honey off of the table.
The microwave beeped, and Addison took the hot water and poured some into each of the mugs. She was setting it all up on a nice tray when the phone rang.
"Hello?" Alex answered, grabbing the extension at the top of the stairs. After a pause he said, "Yeah, she is, but do you really think now is…" Another pause, and he reluctantly said, "Okay, okay, hang on." He walked down the stairs, putting the receiver in my hand. "It's Doctor Thade. She wants to talk to you."
"Hello?" she answered, pinning the receiver to her shoulder as she put the hot container down in the sink.
"Listen, Addison," Dr. Thade said hesitantly. "I didn't have anyone else to call."
Addison pulled out one of the chairs at the kitchen table, sitting down. "I just brought my daughter home, Dr. Thade, I think this is a…"
"Izzie tried to commit suicide. We have her here now, we're fixing her up. She has…She doesn't have any next of kin anymore, and…"
"What do you want from me right now?" Addison sighed. "Seriously?"
"There isn't anybody else I can really call, I just…She needs a friend, Addison."
"Addison? Look at me," Izzie said.
Addison dug her fingers into the cotton sheet underneath her as another contraction ripped through her abdomen. Whimpering softly, she struggled against the pain as all of the breath sucked out of her body, and tucked her chin down against her chest.
"Look at me!" Izzie commanded, lifting her chin and forcing Addison to look into her eyes.
"I can't," Addison whispered. "I can't."
"I'm sorry Alex isn't here. I'm sorry that I'm not your first pick to be holding your hand, I know that you wish he could make it. But Alex is in New York, and I'm here. I'm your best friend, Addison. We can do this. This baby is coming now. Let me help."
She scooped up Addison's hand, and Addison clenched her fingers as tightly as she could. "I'm scared," Addison answered.
"I know, sweetie." Izzie took a damp washcloth and wiped the sweat off of her brow. "I know."
The doctor got back down into position below the stirrups. "When the next contraction comes, Addison, you need to push, okay?"
Addison shook her head rapidly. "No, I can't."
Izzie knelt on the bed beside Addison, holding her head against her chest and whispering into Addison's ear, "Honey, you have to. If you don't push, the baby's going to go into distress, and that's not going to be good for either one of you. You've delivered hundreds of babies, you know this, you can do this. I know you wanted Alex to be here, I know you're scared…I know, I know…but you can do this."
"I changed my mind," Addison sobbed quietly. "I changed my mind, I don't want to have a baby anymore. I want to take it back."
A stab of pressure struck Addison's back, working around towards the front in waves as another contraction took over. The pain was so intense, she barely noticed anything in the room until it let me go.
"They're a minute apart. You need to push, Addison. You have to push."
Addison leaned back against the pillow, covered in sweat, and too tired to fight when Izzie crawled up behind her. Drawing Addison's head back so it was resting on Izzie's shoulder, she reached around to grab both of Addison's hands in each of hers. "When the next one hits, you squeeze. Don't worry about hurting me; I'm tough. Just squeeze as hard as you can, and push."
Nodding weakly, Addison steeled her back against Izzie and let the next contraction wash over her.
"Here it comes," the doctor said. "One more big push."
Addison responded as the doctor asked, pushing down and squeezing Izzie's fingers until she was sure they would snap.
"And it's…a girl!" the doctor cried triumphantly. "It's a girl!"
"Thank you,"Addison whispered to Izzie as the doctor cut the cord. "Thank you."
"Addison?" Dr. Thade asked, breaking into her thoughts.
"Sorry," Addison answered, shaking the memory off. "Look, I'll be there. I just need to tell Alex I'm going."
"Okay. Thank you, Addison," she answered, hanging up.
"You're welcome," she whispered to the dead air.
"You're leaving?" Alex asked.
Addison started, whirling around. "You scared me. But…yeah."
"You're leaving?" he asked again, searching for more of an explanation.
"It's Iz…" Addison said by way of explanation, unsure if she should finish the sentence.
"What happened?"
"Suicide attempt," Addison answered. She felt the oomph fade from her body, almost as if she had no more bones. Alex rushed around her and got a chair beneath her just in time for Addison to sink into it. "She tried to kill herself…" Addison whispered.
Alex was obviously wrestling with the thoughts in his head as he responded, "I'm sorry."
"Are you?" she snapped, laying her head down on the table. "Really?"
Placing his hands on her back, Alex lightly massaged Addison's shoulders. "Honestly?"
"Yeah," Addison mumbled into her shirt sleeve. "I'm having a really hard time, Alex, I just don't know what to…"
"Part of me wants to be," he broke in.
"Sorry?" she questioned.
"Angry," Alex corrected. "I mean…"
"It's very hard to separate things," Addison finished, sitting up so that Alex could wrap his arms around her shoulders.
"That's what I'm saying. I feel sorry for Izzie, but…I want someone to be angry at, and I really have to fight to keep it all separate."
"She's my best friend, Alex."
"I know. Lanie's asleep right now. You could go to the hospital, see Izzie, and be back before Lanie even wakes up."
Addison squeezed his hand, giving him a light peck on the cheek when she stood up to get her jacket. "Can I do this?" she asked him quietly.
"You're the best one for it that I know," Alex answered.
OoooooooooooooooO
"She's in there," Dr. Thade said. "They stitched her up down in the ER, but she hasn't said a single word since she came in. We moved her up here."
Izzie's eyes were focused on something unseen in the ceiling when Addison entered the room. White bandages encased both of her wrists, and the palms of her hands were also wrapped. Addison perched on the edge of the bed, unsure of what to say. She had to figure out how to separate her best friend from the acts that her son had committed.
"Hi," Addison whispered, wanting to reach for Izzie's hand but holding herself back.
She gave no indication that she heard anything; just continued staring straight up.
"Izzie…" Addison hesitated. "I'm sorry."
Izzie still didn't move. Addison reached over, gently tracing a line across her cheek. "It's okay if you don't want to talk. I can talk." As Addison reached deep inside herself, thinking back to earlier, she suddenly knew what to say.
"When I was having Lanie…Alex was stuck in New York with a transplant team, and you were there for me. Do you remember?"
Izzie's eyes didn't move. There was no answer.
"I was so scared. I didn't want to push; I didn't want to do anything. Heck, I didn't even want to have her anymore…I was just that terrified."
Izzie still didn't move a muscle. She hardly even seemed to blink.
"You took my hand and you let me squeeze the crap out of it, remember? You told me that we would get through it, because we were best friends. Do you remember that, Izzie?
A single tear trickled down Izzie's cheek, but she still wouldn't look at Addison, and she didn't move at all.
Addison reached up again and gently wiped away the tear. "You're aren't him, sweetheart. I know that it hurts, but you didn't make his decisions. None of it is your fault. And I know you feel alone right now, but you aren't. I'm here, I will be here."
Several more tears streamed down Izzie's cheeks as she bit her lip, struggling to control herself as she slowly looked at Addison.
"There you go," Addison said quietly. "See? I'm here. And I'd hold your hand, but I'm not sure that's a good idea right now."
Izzie reached out slowly with her left hand, the tips of her fingers sticking out of the bandage. She curled around Addison's hand slowly, wincing at the pain the action cost her.
"When it hits," Addison whispered, "just squeeze. Don't worry about hurting me; I'm tough. Just squeeze as hard as you can, okay?"
Izzie nodded slowly, her fingertips clutching at Addison's hand the best that could around the bandage. "You don't have to do this," she said, seeming surprised by the sound of her own voice.
"Yes, I do," Addison answered.
"I am so sorry, Addie," she said, so quietly that Addison could barely understand her. "I'm so sorry."
"You don't need to be," Addison replied, reminding herself of her deep friendship with this woman, and fighting inside herelf against all of her anger. This is your best friend. She can't help what her son did. She's not to blame for it. She needs you.
"But I am."
Addison sat silently beside the bed, stroking the tips of Izzie's fingers until she fell back asleep.