Meredith was lying across the couch in the same position she had been when she hung up the phone, the receiver still clutched in her hand. When the doorbell rang, she rolled over slightly, noting the sunlight streaming in the window. She couldn't remember whether or not she had slept. The last thing that came to her mind was hanging up the phone.
"Come in," she called, but her dry throat made her call weaker than she wanted. Drawing the blanket around her body, she tried to sit up, but she realized absently that she was shaking horribly. As she tried again to push herself up, the door swung open.
Derek came in, with Rose close behind carrying a large duffel bag.
Meredith shielded her eyes against the light. "Hey," she whispered.
"I remembered where the spare key was," Derek said, taking off his jacket and draping it over the chair by the door. "I was afraid you would be sleeping."
Shaking her head mutely, Meredith realized she was blatantly staring at Rose.
"Where can I put this?" Rose asked, holding up the duffel bag.
"The spare bedroom," Meredith answered.
"Up the stairs, the second door on the right," Derek clarified.
"Okay," Rose said, giving Derek a squeeze on the shoulder. "I'll give you guys some time alone."
Meredith sank back into the couch cushions, her head swimming as Derek sat gingerly beside her. "You came," she said quietly.
"I said I would," he calmly replied. "How are you…holding up?"
She shook her head mutely. "I'm not sure…I don't remember sleeping. I think I just laid here all night, I don't know."
He took the receiver off of the cushion next to them and put it back in the charger. Rose bustled past them, moving into the kitchen and continuing to give them some space.
"I'm not sure what to do now," Meredith said, pulling her knees up to her chest underneath the blanket.
"I don't think this is something that anybody's prepared for."
"I guess…" she answered, her voice trailing off at the end. "Just sitting here…it still feels like he's going to come down the stairs any minute, you know?"
Derek hung his head slightly, afraid to look at her. "I just…I wish I would have spent more time with him, I…"
"I wish that too," she interrupted.
"When was the last time you saw him?" Derek asked.
"Waking him up for school yesterday. The last thing I said to him was will do. Will do. I mean, if I would have known, I…"
"You couldn't have known," he broke in gently. "There's no way that you could have known what was going to happen."
After several minutes of silence, Derek noticed her shivering. "Are you cold?" he asked.
Meredith nodded. "I can't shake it out of me; it goes all the way down to my bones."
Getting up off the couch, Derek put a couple of logs in the fireplace and carefully started a fire. Sitting down on the rug in front of the flames, he gestured to Meredith to follow. Drawing the blanket even tighter around herself, she slid off the couch and down to the floor, finding her legs to be too shaky to provide support. She scooted over next to Derek, her body welcoming the warmth from his fire.
"They're calling him a hero, did you know that?"
"That's what you said," Derek replied.
"A hero. As if that makes it better," Meredith said bitterly.
"What…Did they tell you…"
She nodded slowly, biting down on her lip. Thinking about her son's last minutes made her stomach churn slightly, but she said, "Just what the other students said."
Derek stared straight into the fire, giving her time to pull her self together and continue.
"He and Lanie…you remember Lanie?"
"Yeah."
"He and Lanie went to the cafeteria with another girl. I guess Lanie was introducing them or something. There were a couple of explosions…" She paused, taking care to take deep breaths as she thought about the fear her son would have felt during the explosions. "They heard the shots out in the hall, but when they tried to get out, the door was chained." She struggled to keep breathing, and was dimly aware of Derek reaching out to touch her.
"It's okay, Meredith, you don't…"
She shook off his hand, trying to cycle her breathing like she would tell any patient having a panic attack. "He…he led them into the backroom. When Doug came in, he grabbed Lanie and pulled her out into the main room to be a lookout, jamming the rifle into her back. When Doug tried to bring her back, Rich jumped him." Meredith looked up at Derek, her eyes filling with tears. "Rich jumped him and knocked the rifle out of his hands, but Doug had another gun in his boot, and he…he…"
Meredith was gasping for breath by the time she finished, tears streaming down her face as she rocked back and forth. She was no longer able to concentrate enough to focus her breathing, and realized in the back of her head that it was mildly out of control.
"Meredith," Derek whispered, reaching out to smooth her hair behind her ear. "It's okay, you're okay. You have to breathe, okay?"
She shook her head violently, skittering away until her back was pressed against the couch. Burying her head in the blanket, she wheezed desperately, gasping for oxygen.
"Meredith," Derek crawled over to her, extending a hand cautiously. "Try to take a deep breath and hold it, okay? You have to try. You're hyperventilating; you're going to pass out."
Meredith looked around the room wildly, her hands shaking as her teeth and fingers started to lose feeling from lack of air.
"Hey," Derek said, snapping his fingers in front of her face. "Focus on me. Focus on me, instead. You can do this."
She sucked in air desperately, the blanket falling away as she clawed at her throat.
"What's going on?" Rose asked, sticking her head out of the kitchen.
"She's having a panic attack. I need something for her to breathe in, a paper bag or something, quick. Before she passes out."
Meredith curled in a ball on the floor, dizzy, but unable to stop her frantic breathing.
"Here," Rose said, rushing back into the room and handing Derek a small lunch sack.
Derek tried to place it in Meredith's hands, but she was shaking too badly. Wrapping his arms around her frail body, he lifted her up and held the bag to her lips himself. "Breathe into the bag," he instructed. "Keep breathing into the bag, it will help slow your breathing."
Meredith leaned heavily into Derek's arms, too exhausted to sit up on her own. After breathing for a few minutes into the bag, she felt her breathing return to something close to normal. Derek pulled away the bag, and she continued to breathe regularly. "There you go," he said. "That's a little better."
Derek scooped Meredith up, laying her back down on the couch.
Rose came up behind them. "I brought a glass of water," she said, putting it down on the nightstand with a straw inside. "I found a straw, I wasn't sure if she could sit up."
Derek held it out to Meredith, who grabbed for the straw gratefully. As soon as the water hit her stomach though, it started to churn again, and she had to bite down quickly on the inside of her mouth to keep from getting sick. Gripping the top of the couch, she pulled herself into a sitting position and focused on not falling over as the entire room spun.
"Are you okay?" Derek asked.
She shook her head, realizing that her stomach was not going to make it. Rising on shaky legs, she crashed into the table and sent the water flying.
"Where are you going?" Derek asked, alarmed. He reached out a hand for her, but she shook him off and stumbled into the bathroom right down the hall.
Slamming the bathroom door, Meredith locked it behind her and collapsed to her knees. She barely made it to the toilet before the water and all the other pitiful contents of her stomach were coming up into the bowl. After the first wave, she wiped her mouth and tried to lean back against the wall.
The nausea came again, and she was retching so hard this time that her head was practically in the bowl. There was nothing else in her stomach to come up, but every time the heaving stopped, she thought of Rich again, and every time Rich came into her head, the dry heaves came back. Each bout was worst than the last, and she realized she couldn't go very far away from the toilet.
There was a light knocking on the door as Meredith leaned her head on the porcelain seat, relishing the coolness against her sweaty forehead. "Are you all right?" Derek called.
Meredith tried to answer, but her throat was burning, and the dry heaves came again. She vomited repeatedly, and even though nothing would come up, the heaving wouldn't stop.
The door rattled as someone outside played with the lock. It popped open slightly, and Rose slipped inside. "I thought it might be better if it was a woman coming in," she whispered.
Meredith lifted her head slightly, the room spinning in random circles as she gripped tightly at the sides of the toilet. Rose walked over to sink and wet a hand towel, kneeling down beside Meredith. She willed her body to obey in front of her husband's new wife, but the thoughts of Rich overwhelmed her again.
"It's okay," Rose said quietly, seeming to understand.
Meredith started gagging again, and put her head down into the bowl, heaving more violently than the last time even though still nothing was coming up. There a brief reprieve, and Rose held her hair back, wiping away some of the sweat with the towel before laying it on the back of her neck. At the cool feeling, Meredith started gagging again, retching as if there was something inside her that she desperately needed to get out.
When the heaving ceased for what seemed to be the final time, Meredith was once again shaking so badly that she couldn't hold her head up. Rose leaned back against the wall, drawing Meredith towards her. Laying Meredith's head down in her lap, she produced another towel that Meredith didn't even realize she had. She cleaned Meredith's face with a gentle touch before discarding the towel and rubbing her hand in small circles on Meredith's back.
"I lost someone too, once. My little boy," Rose said, so softly that Meredith almost didn't hear it. "I know how it feels."
Meredith nodded, her body too drained from being sick to do anything more.
"Let's just stay in here for a little while, hon, and make sure you're okay, all right?"
Meredith nodded again, closing her eyes and giving in to the exhaustion