Title: This could ruin our entire lives
Series: The Connections Series, part 10/?
Characters: Charlie/Colby
Rating: M
Spoilers: None.
Summary: After a fight, Colby and Charlie make up their minds… at least for tonight.

Feeback: Yes, I love it! Please, READ & REVIEW.

Disclaimer: I do not own Numb3rs or anything related to it.
Beta:Thanks to my amazing beta.

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The Connections Series

Part 10: "This could ruin our entire lives"

Colby blinked a few times and shifted his position, his heart pounding hard inside his chest. This is really happening. I could have never guessed. "Does your silence mean… what I think it means?" he had to ask, because he wanted to be 100 sure that he had understood well. "You're attracted… to me?"

Still in the corner of the kitchen, lying against the wall, Charlie didn't say a word.

No. No.

"Charlie, am I the reason why Amita broke up with you? Am I the reason why she wants to leave?" Colby continued.

Please, say "yes". Please… say "yes".

There was no answer. So Colby pushed a little further. "C'mon, there's no point in freaking out, I already know what you feel!"

That was the moment when Charlie's head started to spin and say very, very stupid things. He was freaking out, much worse than before. "It was supposed to be a secret!" he said, now getting mad.

"Charlie…"

"No one was supposed to know, especially you! Why did you do it, huh? Why did you push me? Were you trying to embarrass me? Because if you were, damn it, you got what you wanted!" Charlie was really pissed off. He had enjoyed playing with Colby's nearness, with his smiles, with the food for his thoughts before going to sleep. But dealing with the real thing was completely different. There would be consequences to his actions, and they couldn't be good for any of them. He wanted so badly to turn back time. He wished he wasn't such an idiot when it came to the personal relationships area. Why had he dared to talk about the break up with Colby? He was definitely insane, and a complete idiot, putting himself in such trouble.

"Yes, I got what I wanted," the agent muttered suddenly, and he sounded a little shy because Charlie was paying attention to every one of his words. "Because I… I got… a thing about you…"

"Oh my god, are you kidding me?" the mathematician yelled, feeling so frustrated and desperate to get out of this situation. That is such a cruel joke. This is like another god damn dream that wants to make me crazier than I already am.

"I'm not, actually. I've been having these feelings… since the Bonnie Parks case… I haven't been able to get rid of them," Colby said, and paused. "That's why I supported you so much, that's why I came here, that's why I didn't leave when you said that Megan wasn't coming… I just wanted to make things go back to normal between us because I couldn't stand not being able to talk to you…"

Colby saw that Charlie's anger was decreasing. But still, there wasn't hope and affection in the mathematician's eyes. There was panic… and fear.

"I told you, I'm being serious here. I'm interested in you, too," the agent continued, trying to make the other man understand.

"Don't say that."

This answer caught Colby by surprise. He blinked a few times and tried to find a meaning to what Charlie was saying. "What? I thought… that you would be happy to know that your feelings are reciprocated."

"I am. But that doesn't mean that I could actually be with you."

Colby went cold. He grew mad at Charlie, and wanted to say something terrible to him, but he controlled himself. Let's see what reasons you have. I bet they're not nearly good enough. Colby watched the mathematician's face tense, like if all the romanticism had faded and couldn't come up again that night.

"I'm sorry. I'm… so sorry. It's not that I don't want you… because I do, I really do," Charlie whispered, like it was something that was coming from the bottom of his heart. "But… this could ruin our entire lives."

That was so true. Colby spent some seconds thinking about it. He had forgotten about that issue since Charlie had confessed; but now he could see the risks that a potential relationship between the two of them could mean. "I'm aware of the problems we might have. And yet, I…," Colby said, and stopped.

There was something in the way Charlie was looking at the agent, his pupils gazing at all the curves of his face, like a fragile stone about to break. So Colby went for it. He came to Charlie's corner and took his face between his hands. He could see the mathematician's face starting to tense even more, but he could also notice that Charlie wasn't resisting too much to this tender gesture.

Colby came closer and closer, and tried to kiss those soft lips.

He was pushed away by the person he cared the most.

"Charlie, I know that you're scared, but we could keep this as a secret…"

"I'm not good at keeping secrets, like you could tell by yourself tonight. I really, really can't do this…"

"Why? You and I, we feel the same, don't you see? What's wrong with doing what we both want…? No one has to know…"

"It's just not ok!" Charlie yelled, and got away from Colby's arms. He went to the center of the kitchen, far away. His curls were almost covering his sad, desperate eyes. "Being with you… could mess up my career… completely. It could make the FBI cut me out of Don's work. And yeah, what about Don? What about my father? What will they think of me…?"

"If they care about you, they'll understand…"

"I don't know about that. I don't think they could ever expect me to like another guy."

"Yet, they could get used to it…"

"There are just too many variables that could be transformed by your presence in my life as a lover. And it was ok in my head, even in my dreams, even in the middle of the night when I needed some release. But in real life… it's just not acceptable… at least to me."

"You're being totally ridiculous."

"And you're being too optimistic. You could be fired, 'because the FBI doesn't allow gay agents. I can't believe you're not thinking about that. You're not seeing the potential consequences of the consummation of this twisted fantasy…"

"It's not a twisted fantasy to me!"

Colby had lost control. How dared Charlie to do this to him? You just let me come here, and throw a bomb on me. And now tell me to back off. But I know you want this, I know that you won't be able to say "no" to me. You won't, given that look on your face, that smile of yours I treasure and that I'm sure I can make appear again on your lips. This is not something shallow. Not you, not me, will be capable of stopping this damn explosion of feelings.

"I didn't mean to yell at you, Charlie," Colby apologized, and put a hand on his eyes, scrubbed them and tried to focus. "But I hate that you treat me like I didn't know what I feel for you. I'm sure that I want to… be with you, in any way I can. Is that so bad?"

"You're not getting the point, and I'm trying to express myself the best way I can. Why do you keep trying to convince me? I'm not putting my life at risk because of a fantasy, and that's it. But it doesn't mean I don't care about you as a friend..."

"You know? You're right. I don't get you." That's it. You wanted me to get really mad? I'm not usually like that at all. But you, with your little stupid speech, you got it.

There was an awkward moment in which they just stood in place, organizing their thoughts.

"I need to sleep. I have to work on some algorithms tomorrow. They're important," Charlie suddenly said, like if it was some kind of statement.

"No, Charlie. This is more important than that, and you know it."

"I need to work to clear my head."

"Bullshit. When something like this happens, you can't do it. I've seen it."

That seemed to shut Charlie up. The mathematician knew very well that the Colby thing had been making him impossible to concentrate on his math projects. But still, he muttered, "You need to go, anyway. Colby, this conversation is not going anywhere. Nothing's left to discuss here."

"Nothing's left…? Ok, I'll tell you this. I'm the one who's not going anywhere tonight."

Charlie's eyes went wide open. "What? You can't stay. I don't want to you to, I said have to work…"

"Well, try to stop me."

Of course, Charlie knew there was no way he could take Colby down and make him leave. So he just accepted the fact that he would have to share his house with the man he was attracted to but refused to have a relationship with. "Fine, do what you want."

Astonished, Colby saw Charlie wash the dishes, take out the garbage, close the house's doors and windows. Then the agent followed the mathematician to his room; but when Charlie stood at the doorframe with a warning look, Colby just went back downstairs and crashed on the Eppes' couch.

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Charlie laid down on his bed in his t-shirt and sweatpants, just in case Colby had the idea of getting into the room and play with him like he did in his dreams. He put his stuff into his bed, his laptop and his papers, just like the night before, and he had to admit once again that there was no point trying to work.

He likes me back. He actually likes me back.

There was an extra pillow near to him, and he grabbed it at put it against his heart. He just needed some kind of matter to pass the energy he had gotten from Colby's body, Colby's words and Colby's hands.

Shyly, Charlie touched his own face, and he still could feel the agent's warm touch on his cheeks. I turned him down two seconds after he confessed me that he felt the same I did. Having something with him would mean so much trouble for both of us… but I was so there with him when he said…

He remembered Colby's voice saying "I'm aware of the problems we might have. And yet…" After those words, they had almost kissed.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid…" Charlie muttered, cursing himself. He must be so mad at me. But why didn't he leave? Maybe if I would go downstairs and… yes, I have to try to make him forgive me.

So Charlie got up and went downstairs, making a little too much noise, but he found Colby already asleep. The agent was lying on the couch, one head under his head, the other grabbing his own jacket, the one he had passed earlier to Charlie. Colby had obviously got it back to cover himself because it was a little cold.

He sleeps so quietly. I could stare at him forever.

He grabbed the jacket and sweetly covered Colby's body a little more with it. Charlie wanted to talk to him now, but he didn't want to interrupt the agent's dreams.

Hopefully, he's dreaming about me finally saying I want to be with him. Something I will definitely do tomorrow morning.

After watching Colby sleep a little while longer, Charlie went upstairs and wrapped himself in the sheets of his own bed. There, he got lost in the feeling of the absence of the warm body and the beautiful personality that was lying so close and yet so far from him; and then, suddenly, thinking about what would be Colby's reaction in the morning, Charlie fell asleep.

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The noises from Charlie's almost silent steps going upstairs made Colby wake up. He watched the mathematician's feet disappear at the top of the ladder and then he sat up on the coach, rubbing his face. Colby tried to figure out what Charlie had been doing in the living room.

Why did he come here? Did he change his mind? Probably… not. Yeah, he must have come here to see if he could still convince me to leave.

Colby started to think that maybe it would be for the best to leave Charlie alone that night so he could process what had happened. But I can't force him to do anything. I would never do that. I cared about him too much.

So the agent went upstairs, trying to not wake up Charlie, and when he got to the room, the mathematician was snoring softly. He needed to see him one more time before leaving the house. Colby reached for Charlie's hair and caressed the curls that still covered his forehead.

But that made Charlie jump in his bed. He suddenly woke up and found Colby standing in front of him. The mathematician couldn't say a word. He had planned telling Colby about his decision in the morning, not now, after a terrible fight, when they were alone in the house, in his room…, with the sheets of the bed in a mess. He froze, thinking about what could happen there if he said the right words.

However, Colby was the first to speak. "I'm going home, Charlie. You don't have to say anything. It's ok. If you don't want to give this a chance, I respect your decision. Just remember that I won't stop feeling what I feel, no matter how much you want me to."

Then Colby turned around and went downstairs. Charlie remained in his bed for one more moment and then ran like a crazy man until he found the agent walking towards the door.

"Colby…"

Colby looked at him and waved his hand. "Charlie, it's fine. I won't stop being your friend, ever, because I care about you too much. And I won't tell anyone about what happened here, I promise. This stays between you and me."

Charlie watched him go towards the door and open it. "Wait," he said when the agent was outside of the house. The mathematician reached for one of Colby's shirtsleeves and grabbed it. "Don't go."

There, there was that heavy look in Charlie's eyes that always made Colby tremble. The only thing that was left was his warm, tender smile. It wasn't missed much, though. It had been replaced by Charlie's warm skin, making the fabric of his shirt burn, barely touching Colby's hand.

The tone of the words "Don 't go" that Charlie had pronounced had been heart-breaking. Colby could never say no to that, he wanted Charlie so much that he couldn't refuse to stay now.

So Colby just went with it. He knew he was weak, that he was being forced to reconsider his decision to go home and leave it all behind. But he was so proud to get that look from the special someone he had been longing for since several weeks ago.

He followed Charlie's command to get to the house again. There was a solid, burning intention in the way Charlie tugged slowly at his sleeve, not letting him go. There was something in the air that made him know that things would be completely different once he crossed the threshold again.

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A/N: PLEASE READ AND REVIEW, 'CAUSE FEEDBACK IS LOVE.