Hotel Lez
Chapter 15: The Mummy Parody Part 1
Helga: we're baaaaccck!
Stella: Gosh it's been a long time since our last chapter hasn't it Kara?
Supergirl: What? Oh, yes, it has. I… I feel a bit nervous about this parody
Helga: Now, now Kara, we'll make sure this is K-rated. Alright, everyone on the set? And… ACTION!
INT: THEBES, SOMETHING SOMETHING BC. OVERLOOKING LARGE EGYPTIAN PALACE. WE ZOOM IN ON KATANA ON A CHARIOT
Aela: Thebes, City of the Living. Crown Jewel of Pharaoh Katana the 1st. Home of Mirage, Pharaoh's High Priest. Keeper of the Dead
Stella: (yawns) can we speed it up a little please? Half the cast is asleep from this narration
(Helga, Alex, Neyla, Kara and the others are snoring in the background)
Aela: ok fine!
Katana bursts the doors open as Mirage's mooks back away. Katana asks them an angered question in Egyptian dialect as she stomps over to where….
Helga: CUT!
*groans of annoyance*
Helga: who'd we cast as Anck-su-Namun?
Shego: sorry boss lady, the real one's off in Cancun with her harem
Helga: again? That's the third time this week! Grrr… this is starting to be a habit or something
Katana: A-Hem! I'm WAAAAIIITTTTIIINNGG
Helga: Ok, I got it! Tzipporah, you're… um, you're Anck-Su-Namun
Tzipporah: oh goodie. I appear for only one scene, then I stab myself, then get supposedly brought back to life, then I rust into a corpse, then I get reincarnated, I betray my lover and fall into a pit of angry scarabs
Kara: ….you just described your entire role
Tzipporah: ok I'll do it. I want $50 after this
Helga: Done. Now get to your position! Ok folks, let's roll it!
EDI: Hotel Lez Presents the Mummy, Take 2
Helga: and ACTION!
Katana sees Tzipporah leaning over a bust of an Egyptian cat, trying her utmost best to stay in character whilst hoping Katana doesn't notice the Twizzler stickers on her arm. Katana asks Tzipporah a question in her gibberish, she just glares at her. Suddenly like a Batman movie or something, Mirage pops out of nowhere, grabs Katana's sword and runs her through
"I think… I'm gonna be sick" Carmelita groaned, getting a bucket
After the carnage, loud collective angry shouts were heard which meant the now sliced diced and eviscerated Pharaoh's bodyguards were on their way to find the bastard responsible
Tzipporah: Run, Mirage! Go save yourself from my useless role!
Mirage: (replies in very over the top Egyptian gibberish) as her Mooks drag her away just in time as the Mahjongg gasp at seeing Katana's remains before seeing Tzipporah
Tzipporah uttered something body something temple of doom, then squealed like Justin Bieber as she "died"
Helga: to resurrect Tzipporah, Mirage and her Priests broke into her crypt and stole her body. They raced deep into the desert, taking Tzipporah's corpse to Hamunaptra, City of the Dead, burial site for the daughters of pharaohs and resting place for the loot of Egypt
Livewire: BOOOOOMMMM! Shakalaka!
Helga: for her love, Mirage DARED the Goddesses' anger by going further into the temple taking the Diary of the Dead from it's hormonal resting place. Tzipporah's soul had been sent into the Underworld, her vital private parts removed and placed in five sacred chastity jars
Priests: *chant the opening chorus to Hooked on a Feeling as the water blubbers and forms a phantom*
Voices: I cant stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl you must realize, what you do to me
Helga: Tzipporah's soul had come back from the underworld
Mirage: IIIIIIIIIIII'M HOOKED ON A-
Mahjongg: D-d-don't shoot! YOU'RE-YOU'RE BUSTED
Helga: but the Mahjongg followed Mirage and stopped her before the ritual could be completed
Water Ghost: *irritating Nazgul scream, then plunges back into water*
Mirage: GGGGRRRRAAAAAYYYYGGGGHHH
Kara; Gee, this is looking good so far
Evy: I quite agree. This is more funnier than the original series
Helga: Mirage and her Priests were condemned to be Mummified alive. As for Mirage, she was forced to endure the Horn-Day, the worst of all ancient sex curses, one so horrible and arousing, it has never before been bestowed
Mirage: OOOOOHHHHHHH GGGGGOOOODDDDDDDD
The Anubis Gals wrap Mirage in toilet paper then lay her in a lousy coffin, then dump a large amount of bugs
Helga: she was to be sealed inside her sarcophagus, the undead for all time. For should she arise she would be a walking disease, a plague upon mankind, an unholy flesh eater
Kara: with the strength of ages…
Alex: Power over the sands
Neyla: and the glory of Invincibility!
The MUMMY
*RRRRRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR*
"Ok! We've got the opening done! Take ten people!" Helga ordered as everyone applauded
Casting
Helga- Helga O'Connell
Neyla- Neyla Carnahan
Sarah Phillips- Sarah Carnahan
Debra Barone- Debi
Wonder Woman- Diana Bay
Sandy Cheeks- Sanderson
Princess Morbucks- Morbs
Dani Fenton- Danielles
Maleficent- Egyptologist
Queen of Hearts- Cora Haverlock
Tzipporah- Anck Su Namun
Mirage- The Mummy
Aunt May Parker- Curator