Hotel Lez

Chapter 29: The Jewel Robbery Part 5

"Sheesh, look at this mess. It's going to take weeks to repaint the walls now that half of them have bullet holes." Neyla griped, wiping up the broken shards with a broom into a dustpan as Helga was in a heated argument on the phone with the local chief of police

"Ma'am, we've checked all our records. No one by the name of Carmen Sandiego is on our files. Maybe you or your ladies misplaced the jewels." Chief belched lazily, his feet propped on the top of his desk, flies buzzing around the room.

"No no, you listen here; I had absolutely nothing to do with the robbery or the disappearance of the jewels. But my hotel's been shot at by members of a well known crime family and the more we sit around and do nothing, then you're gonna keep getting reports of houses ransacked, stores looted, people stampeded and cattle raped." Helga barked, a vein bulging in her forehead.

"…Did you just quote Blazing Saddles?" Chief asked after a short pause. Rolling her eyes, Helga slammed the phone on the receiver and left in a huff.

"So, any luck trying the cops?" Kelly asked, Helga massaging her scalps while Norah Jones music played in the background.

"No. He won't get off his fat ass because he's far too deep in corruption. You can't even depend on the law enforcement for just one thing." Helga replied, taking a sip of tea as Kelly just shrugged.

"Well, looks like we're sticking with the whole robbery thing." Meg remarked, realizing just how narrow their line of options are on handling the situation. Despite the fact that they've avoided being framed for assassination and breaking a fugitive from jail, its no wonder how they're able to keep a cool head.

"But that's breaking the law! We can't just barge into someone's apartment and say we're going to burgle them of their belongings only to come in and offer them an encyclopedia." Helena remarked, trying to help Helga not make a rash decision.

"First off, we are not burgling people. Second, we don't offer encyclopedias, that's from Monty Python's Flying Circus and thirdly, if any of you want to watch that stuff, you will do it in the courtesy of your own rooms. Because last time it was in the lobby, one of the maids wound up seeing two words of the joke and had to be sent to the hospital." Rikke said.

"We start tonight." Helga ordered, everyone gasping in shock. Keesha fainted and fell on top of an unaware Wanda.

"But…" Kara pleaded, Helga cutting her off.

"No buts, miss missy. We're ending this mess right here, right now." Helga snapped, taking command. So it was decided. The others had no choice but to either go with the idea or receive a fate much worse than just Carmen Sandiego's wrath.

"We are decided." Helga proclaimed, everyone nodding in unison.

"Then we are decided." The group repeated

Tuesday Morning

"Blablala corporate trade, blablablabla, politics, blablabla…" The newsman rambled incessantly as the Hotel Lez gang sat in front of the TV in complete dullness.

"Is anyone even going to mention we didn't rob the jewels back from Marcy or Carmen?" Alex piped up, Helga making a snort that sounded like it came from an overstuffed yak.

"Ok, that's it. I can't handle this guy yakkety-yakking." Jasmine exhaled, switching the channel to an all day marathon of Melrose Place.

"I thought you said you were finished watching that." Stella spoke, giving Jasmine a confused look.

"I did, I like re-watching them all just for fun." Jasmine explained, a grin on her face.

A long period of awkward silence started until Stella finally piped up asking "Is this all we do here?"

"Yep. We just sit here, pretend that we're working in this hotel when in reality we're doing absolutely nothing, we haven't had any complaints, there's been no counts of incidents and its still only a quarter for some hot coffee and a Cinnamon roll." Helga explained, listing the things she said off the tips of her fingers.

"B-b-but…" Lois sputtered, Helga cutting her off.

"No buts. There are NO buts in this place. No ifs ands or buts about it. And I'm putting my foot down" Aela barked, stomping her heel on the carpet floor, the sound echoing for a few seconds.

Even more later…

Carmen wasn't expecting this. After convincing Marcy to break in and rob the diamonds, having Cruella and her mob girls shoot up the hotel and sending several threatening letters, she would have thought Helga and that gang of clowns she hangs around with would suddenly just barge in.

But unfortunately, this isn't the case. Growling silently, the redhead paced the room, thinking long and hard of trying to form a more permanent solution to her problem.

"…WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE CRAZY BITCHES, ANYWAY?!" Carmen squawked loudly, her shrillness punching a large gaping hole through the giant mattress of the sky.

Fed up and outright done with her cronies' stupidity, Carmen grabbed her Infinity Brass Knuckles.

"Fine…. I'll do it myself." Carmen formed a bone chilling smile as she imagined every single person that wronged her writhing, wailing and shrieking as the flames would consume them all.