NUMBERS

"We had run from the Maesters' fury, taking the lesser known roads and bypaths, finally coming to rest in the wilderness in a little valley with trees and springs, a place where we could rest and regroup." Paine read the words she had set down and, disgusted by their pretentious sound, ripped the paper into confetti sized pieces. So much for starting a journal at this point in the adventure.

It was good to be back on the steady ground again. Even though she did not suffer from sea-sickness, as Nooj did, Paine found it comforting to walk on a surface which remained level and still beneath her step.

She had lost track of how long they had been back on the main land mass. Her own head had been affected by the events in the Den of Woe and she was no longer sure what had actually happened and what had been a fantasy. In an effort to reconstruct the time since they had left the boat, she tried to remember all the details which had filled the days.

Once they had disembarked, the four candidates had been appalled to see how few of the original mass still remained. Paine remembered a long column of aspirants marching to the wharf not that long before. Now the unit of which she was a part was the only one with its full complement. She had known the tests had been brutal but she had not realized how bad it had been. In addition, many of the surviving competitors looked worn, tired and prematurely aged. It was jolting to her to look at the remnants of those brave crews gathered on the side of the road like the sweepings from a devastating war.

When the pathetic group had been marched down the Mushroom Rock Road and ordered into the dark crevice of the sinister cave, Paine had watched with a dull, hollow, exhausted sense of dread. She felt instinctively that it was wrong to force soldiers so obviously unfit to venture into such mysterious peril.

She closed her eyes and tried to clearly visualize what had taken place in the darkness. All her effort was fruitless. The only things she could bring to mind were inchoate images, chaotically streaming without meaning or order. The memories were jagged, illuminated by the lightning flashes of pyre-flies. Her thoughts shuddered and shied away from the image of Nooj, his shape obscured by clouds of the ominous creatures, jerking spasmodically, almost falling as his cane beat an obscene rhythm on the stone paving beneath his feet. What had those insidious points of light done to him? He had been changed when he emerged from the Den of Woe.

Paine had grown accustomed to Nooj's responses. He was not inclined to change in his reaction to challenges. It was a part of his nature to stick with what had been proven to work in the past. Now, unexpectedly, he was no longer predictable. He seemed unfocused, drifting, unable or unwilling to take a firm stand or exercise his normal leadership of the unit.

She thought he must have been like this right after Sin maimed him. She saw his gaze become vacant and distant and his conversation fade away into silence. He continued to cling to her in the night, seeming to seek oblivion in her body. She gave herself to him freely, indeed eagerly, offering him a guide back to himself.

Since Nooj shared her bed, there was no disruption in their mutual passion. However, he no longer talked to her about his plans or discussed the problems facing them. It was as though he had no thought for the future or had walled off the various parts of his life and had severed all communication between those divisions.

Paine tried to be patient and supportive. If he had really been damaged by the pyre-flies, some way must be found to mend him. What must have happened in the Den of Woe was unheard of in her experience. Had the events there been the reason their team and theirs alone had survived that trial?

At last her endlessly circling thoughts drove her to talk with Gippal and Baralai. They had tried to recapture the easy companionship of their early days during the try-outs for the Crimson Squad, but there was always that difference. The linchpin of their small band was broken and so everything had changed. The air between them was unaccustomedly awkward.

"What do you think happened in the Cave?" She hesitantly broached the tender subject.

"Damn' f'I know." Gippal tossed his small knife over and over, aimlessly embedding its point in the dirt between his feet. "I couldn't see a damn' thing and just wanted to get out."

"Didn't you see all the bodies lying around in the inner rooms?" She pressed him to admit what he had experienced.

"Not really. Just some heaps of stuff I kept stumbling over. I saw the pyre-flies when they swarmed ... you know." He ducked his head. "You see anything, 'Lai?"

"Yes. I could see Nooj very sharply when they went to him and then I couldn't see anything except him swaying. I caught him and held him up. I can still feel the flies crawling on my hands where I touched him." The younger man shook himself as though he was throwing off the horrors. "They're heavier than they look. You think they're just like fire sparks, but they're not."

"What do you think they did to Nooj?" Paine was persistent.

Baralai seemed to turn inward and back to his life as a priest-to-be. "I'm not sure but it feels like they sucked out his soul and left something else in its place. He doesn't act like he used to and there doesn't seem to be anything there. He won't talk. Yes, I know he never talked very much but now he just doesn't hear when I speak to him and he doesn't see me unless I shake him or something. He's in another world like some of the hermits who used to take up cells in the temples and spend their days meditating."

"He's not always like that. Sometimes he's just like he used to be." Gippal insisted.

"I never said he was always the same. He used to be steady. Now he's not. I don't know what to expect from him anymore."

"Well, I'll tell you what I think." The Al Bhed spoke firmly. "I think this started before we went into that cave. I think it started when he saw how many were killed in the desert. He's a commander and it hurts them when they lose troops, at least that's what he told me when we used to talk about soldiering. I think he was already damaged when we went into the cave and when he saw so many dead bodies in there, he just gave up."

Paine challenged him, "I thought you said you couldn't see all the bodies. How could he see them if you couldn't?"

"He's better than me. Better at almost everything. I think he saw them all dead and just couldn't bear the thought of all of them killed. He cared about the troops, not just us but all of them. You saw how he let the whole gang fill their water bottles and set it up so only a couple got killed instead of a whole war breaking out. He tried to keep as many alive as he could and then when he saw what had happened, he broke." Gippal folded his arms across his chest and stared truculently at the other two. "He had too much to bear and he broke."

Before Paine could respond, Baralai spoke up. "I agree with you about his concern for the dead and the injured but I don't think he broke. I think he's undergoing a spiritual crisis and may be preparing to turn to another way of life. I won't be surprised if he goes into the wilderness and seeks a life of solitude and celibacy."

Paine looked down at her enlaced fingers and a small smile tweaked her lips. That was not one of the decisions Nooj was likely to make. She glanced around at the two young males earnestly waiting for her reaction.

"I appreciate your ideas, guys. No disrespect to you, 'Lai, but I have to go with Gippal on this one. Nooj is broken and I have to find some way to mend him again."

The two men looked respectfully at their companion. Then Gippal, who could not bear silence for long, said softly, "You know him best, Doctor P. If anybody can mend him, it'll be you. We're here to help if you need us, don't forget that."

Baralai nodded solemnly and, without consultation, the three joined hands and wordlessly pledged their joint resolve to make things whole again.

Friday, February 29, 2008

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