DEUTERONOMY

When Paine woke for the first time after the horror at the Travel Agency, it was to one clear, if bitter, thought, "So, my love, where's all your honour and decency now? What code permits you to shoot your friends in the back? Why? Why?" She bit down hard, clenching her jaw, unwilling to cry. She could not remember clearly but a certain stiffness in her face and swelling in her eyelids made her believe she had cried too much already.

She hungered for word of Gippal and Baralai but could see no one to ask. It appeared she was alone in this strange place. However, she would worry about that later. Since she had survived, she had hopes that the two young men lived also. Still, if they did not, she was prepared to mourn them and move on. She had been forced to become a realist early in her life.

She steeled herself to concentrate in spite of the disorienting surroundings in which she found herself,. She must remain focused on what to do. One thing she had learned from her time with Nooj was the value of remaining true to one's standards. She would spend a few days reflecting on what she intended to do with her life and how she would ensure that she was not again distracted. The first rule in her personal code would be - she thought of it as carved into the hard stone of her new self, her own temple - NEVER GIVE ONE'S HEART FULLY TO ANOTHER.

She repeated it again and again, refining the words until they expressed just what she meant. It was not perfect but it would do for a start. She added a pair of corollaries:

1. Never give one's heart fully to another.

2. Trust one's own mind and judgement alone.

3. Guard one's privacy carefully and do not expose one's vulnerabilities.

These points decided on and repeated in her mind until she was sure she would remember them, she fell asleep like one suddenly entering a dark tunnel where everything was blank and still.

Then when she woke again, she was again thrown into the maelstrom of the past. What had gone so terribly wrong? When had it all begun to dissolve? Through the exercise of more will power than she had known she possessed, she managed not to cry and added another item to her set of rules to govern her new life.

Never let them make you cry.

This time she became aware of the Healers who bustled around her, putting potions to her lips and making ritual gestures over her body. There were other, less exalted, persons who changed the dressing on her wound. When she first caught a glimpse of that area, she realized that she would have a nasty scar for some time, maybe for the rest of her life. A parting gift from the man she loved, she thought sardonically.

When she managed to catch one of her tenders not fully occupied with healing duties, she demanded, "Where am I?" She was fairly certain she was not in the back room of the Travel Agency.

The white-clad attendant smoothed her brow with a hand meant to soothe. "Oh good, you're finally fully with us. You're in the Healing House just outside Luca. You've been here for more than a week and we were starting to wonder who you are and how you were hurt. Can you talk now and tell us? Do you want me to call a senior staff member to hear your story?"

"No, no. I need to ask some questions before I answer any. Was I alone when I was brought here and who brought me?"

The other frowned as she thought. "So far as I can remember you were by yourself and you were left here by a merchant who found you nearly dead at the side of the road. He hired a Hover and rushed you here because he knew about this place and thought we would give you the best care."

"No one else was brought in about the same time with a wound like mine?"

"Noooo. Just you. Now you get some rest, honey. I'll tell the Head Healer you're doing better." She adjusted the pillow and straightened the sheets before tiptoeing out of the room.

Paine was confused. Was it possible the merchant who rescued her had not seen Baralai and Gippal? They had fallen into the undergrowth at the edge of the clearing while she had been near the highway when Nooj had shot her. What had happened to Nooj? Had he left them for dead without even checking or had he taken his own life at the end? If so, where was his body? It would have been like Nooj to go off alone to a hidden place to kill himself if that was what he had chosen to do. Her head hurt and the weakness which pervaded her limbs made her angry with herself.

She remembered. She, Baralai and Gippal had jointly sworn to try to rescue their team captain, Nooj, from whatever had changed him during the Den of Woe exercise. Since she was closest to him, it fell principally on her shoulders to bring him back. For a time, she thought she was succeeding. He began to confide in her again and was at the forefront in making plans as to how the little group should proceed. It was he who proposed that they split up so that they could not be so easily identified by those who hunted them. Four traveling individually would be less noticeable than four of such markedly unique characteristics journeying together.

"I don't want to split up. Not from you anyway." She laid her head on his chest and felt the reassuring throb of his heart. So long as she could hear that sound, she was content. He still lived.

"I'm not happy about leaving you, either. But we have to make it harder to track us. You know the Maesters would have us killed if they could find us." He stroked her back and nuzzled her hair.

"Nooj, will we be together again once this is over?"

"I promise. Once we're past this danger and I can offer you a safe haven. How do you think I'd feel if my selfishness got you killed? I'm the most recognizable of us all and if they caught us together, we'd both be slaughtered."

She did not dare ask him if the choice to go separate ways meant he would play the hare to the Yevonite hounds and sacrifice himself to buy the other three safety. The answer was too likely to make her grieve more than she was already mourning.

Instead, she touched his body in the way she knew he most enjoyed and resolved to find what comfort she could in his arms this one last night.

To her fury, she found her face wet with tears when she drew back from her remembering. Unable to control them, she let the sorrow and loss spill from her until she was limp and drained. No more! She would not let these thoughts overwhelm her again. She would look to the future and forget the past and ... Nooj. She would forget him entirely as though he had never existed. Then she wondered again if he was dead. Had he shot them all and at last turned the gun on himself? If he was afraid they would all be captured and tortured before being killed, he would have thought it much better to kill them and himself cleanly before that could happen. He would not have warned them but would have done it quickly and efficiently. That would be so like him, to take upon himself the duty and responsibility of saving them from the agonies which would surely await them at the hands of the Maesters and their servants. He had always been the decisive one, the one who would bear the burdens others shirked. The more she thought about it, the more she convinced herself that that the truth must lie close to the story she had constructed. It was the only explanation that made sense. There was no other reason for him to have shot them. That gave her a measure of comfort but a cold hand continued to squeeze her heart and she could not draw a full breath.

Time passed. Her body steadily healed but not her spirit. After a few days, she was permitted to leave her bed and her room and walk down the corridor to the little garden in the center of the building. There she sat and thought about what she must do next. She had given the Healers a false name and had told them she had been shot by a stranger who was trying to rob her. To any other queries, she had given evasive answers or none at all.

The garden was a peaceful place, abloom with the flowers of the season and plentifully supplied with benches shaded by fragrant trees. It had been specially designed to nourish the soul and bring comfort to the troubled. The birds and little insects busily going about their affairs without heed for the giant looming in their midst inspired her. She needed to move on with her life since it had been spared to her. Her companions were dead or vanished. She had no illusions on that score. Her practical nature began to reassert itself. There was no use in brooding on what might have been. She must turn her face to the sun of a new day. She had been wounded now she was healing. That part was past.

Carefully, she reviewed her rules, guarding against the memory of Nooj and how he had relied on such guidelines. Yes, these would do to start with. She had no doubt she would find others to add as she explored the world in which she must now live. It was not the same world of only a few weeks ago. Without the team everything had changed and felt strange to her as though something vital had been amputated. Of course, it was always possible for her to try to reach some of those she had known before the Crimson Squad experience. It was possible and she would consider her options but for now, she needed to test her own inward strength. She thought she would try solitude for a while; it had seemed to work for Nooj. She smiled bleakly, gazing across the garden with unseeing eyes.

It had been a long time since she had been so alone. With a grim smile and a sense of taking a firm step toward her future, she mentally added another law to the list -

5. Be your own best company.

Friday, February 1, 2008

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