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Chapter 5 – Epiphany

EPOV -

These were new human feelings I hadn't yet tasted. The dread of rejection, the fear of betrayal, and the anxiety of pressure. I had said once before that Bella was resurrecting the human in me but maybe these were feelings I could have survived without. I walked back and forth in my room impatiently. I left Bella at Charlie's on the presumption that I would give her the privacy she deserved to prepare for the day, but I had to get away, I had to think. I just survived the second night ever holding Bella in my arms in which she hadn't spoken my name while she slept. To make matters worse, she said the mongrels name more than once. The real kicker was that Bella spoke his name with a smile on her beautiful lips. A smile I thought was reserved only for me. If I could feel nausea, it would have crippled me.

We were days away from the wedding and I was wondering if she had changed her mind. Would she regret marrying me someday in the future and wish she would have chosen him? Would she look at me one day and wish she were looking into his russet face? These unanswered questions were enough to drive me into madness.

I decided I had to talk to her. I had to find someway to really know without the slightest doubt that Bella wanted me. Know that she was making the right decision. The amount of pain I would feel if Bella changed her mind was sure to end me. The idea of it was about to leave me curled up in the fetal position on my floor now.

Alice neared my room. What changed?

"Come in Alice," I said through my teeth. I didn't really want to discuss this with anyone.

Alice opened the door and entered my room. "What just happened Edward? About 15 seconds ago something changed."

"What exactly changed?"

It disappeared.

I couldn't move, I couldn't breath, I couldn't think.

"Edward!" She was shouting at me now, "What changed?"

"I-I don't know."

She put her arms on my shoulders shaking me slightly demanding my attention. "Focus Edward, what were you thinking about a ½ a minute ago?"

"How do you know it was me?"

"I don't but you were closer. Would you like to waste more time?" she spat.

I quickly confessed to Alice what I experienced the night before and that I had a feeling Bella was going to change her mind. "After last night, I need to talk to her, to somehow find a way to be sure of her feelings."

That's it Edward. It has to be.

"How do you figure?" I growled.

You don't trust her. "You deciding to talk to her about this must have started it. Don't you get it Edward? If you talk to her again, ask her to reconsider choosing you, you are actually questioning the magnitude of her feelings for you. In essence, you doubt every declaration of love and commitment she has made to you including the decision she made to become one of us for you. How many times and in how many different ways does she have to tell you before you truly believe YOU are what she wants? You need to trust her Edward. Trust that she's thought through her options and considered her alternatives before saying yes to you."

"I do trust her."

Do you? She thought as she raised one of her eyebrows. "Edward think about it. If she repeatedly questioned every decision you made, would you feel trusted? If you trusted her, really trusted her, then you wouldn't continue with these ridiculous insecurities."

"I left her Alice! I roared, "I broke her. Every image of her from that time, she looked dead. In reality, I killed her. And yet she took me back so quickly after. I hurt her more deeply then I could have imagined. But I saw it in that mutt's mind! How can she forgive me for that? How do I deserve her after that? How can I deserve her when I've agreed to kill her again, only this time, I'm going to finish the job and really stop her heart?" I yelled back.

She took a couple steps back, mouth open, eyes wide. That's what this is really about. "You think you don't deserve her?"

"How could I?" I gasped, throwing my hands up in the air.

Before I could decipher her thoughts, sweet Alice's face twisted into a mask pure fury. Her right hand cupped my throat, her left pushed against my chest until my back was hard against the wall of my room. Her hands still in place around my throat and my chest, lifted me 2 inches off the ground. She glared at me irately. This stops NOW! "Edward, you are going to ruin the best thing that ever happened to you. Again! You are NOT a monster. If you continue down this path, you'll push her away! I just saw it. Is that what you want? ANSWER ME!!" Every sound in the world was muted by Alice's screaming voice and thoughts.

"Of course not." I coughed.

Just then, Jasper and Emmett, quickly followed by Carlisle, Rosalie and Esme burst through my door to investigate the commotion. Four jaws dropped in sync with widened eyes. Emmett though, took in the sight and exploded into a boom of laughter. This didn't break Alice's concentration and her grip around my throat tightened. Her eyes never left my face.

"It's time for you to start listening to those that love you Edward."Alice said each word slow and deliberate.

I closed my eyes and concentrated; thinking of every individual time Bella said she loved me. I remembered the morning she chose me and the words she spoke to me. I thought of her heart beat every time I touched her. How it raced in response pushing beautiful pools of red to her cheeks. I considered the possibility that I wasn't the soulless monster I convinced myself I was for over nine decades. I focused on knowing that Bella loves me. Cold and hard and stone, she still loves me. Murderer of murderers, Bella loves me. Selfish for wanting to keep her, Bella loves me.

Alice released her grip that held me suspended against the wall and I fell to floor. Welcome back. She thought smugly.

I looked up and met her gaze. I could see the wedding in Alice's mind and I could see Bella, my wife, transforming for me.

"I… Alice I… thank you Alice." I finally said.

She responded only with a smile before turning on her heal and dancing out the room.

BPOV -

"Are you nervous?" I teased, tracing the contours of Edward's perfect face with my finger tips.

I felt him chuckle softly around me. "A little. You?"

"Not really. I'm ready for it to be over. I've had about as much of the black haired Tinkerbell on crack that I can stand." We laughed together where we lay, Edward holding me in his arms on the spongy grass of our meadow.

After Edward returned to Charlie's to pick me up, we had spent most of the morning and the entire afternoon listening to Alice prattle off finalized wedding day plans. After the first ½ hour, I gave up trying to understand her and instead watched Emmett mock her. We made a break for it when the opportunity presented itself. I felt a twinge of guilt when I thought of her returning to the front room after leaving briefly to get a shlew of CD's we were supposed to review, and finding it vacant.

"Do you think Alice will be very mad?" I asked, trying to hide the smile in my voice.

"She'll get over it. Honestly, it shouldn't surprise her that we're going to take advantage of these last couple hours together."

Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle were leaving for the traditional Cullen bachelor camping trip. Translated - Edward wanted to spend the night hunting so that he would be as focused as possible tomorrow. Alice, Rosalie and Esme planned a bachelorette pampering party at the Cullen home for both myself and Renee. It was guaranteed to be an evening of torture.

"Edward?" I didn't know how to ask what I was trying to ask. At least I got his name out.

"Yes?"

My stomach muscles tightened and instinctively, my left hand went to my mouth. I started chewing my nails. Edward's cold hand took mine from the dangers of my teeth and he lifted it to his lips.

"Bella, the quickest way to bring down the wrath of Alice is to reverse any of her efforts toward tomorrow."

I forgot she had already given me a manicure. "Okay, maybe I'm crazy, but when you came back this morning, something about you was different. I was just wondering, what happened?"

Edward tensed and I lifted my head from where it rested on his shoulder to look at his face. He was smiling hugely, more hugely then I'd seen him smile in weeks. His eyes were almost glowing against the gray background and his white teeth shined.

"What is it?" I asked surprised.

So quickly, he put his hands at my hips pulling me on top of him. Then, he gently rolled us both so that he was a top me. I only had a sliver of a moment to look at him before he crushed himself to me, lips and body.

Holy crow, what did I say?

Edward kissed me more fervently in that moment then any other I could remember throughout our entire relationship. I felt his icy tongue trace the shape of my bottom lip I immediately opened my mouth to allow entrance. I could have sworn my heart exploded, when I felt the cool tip of his perfect tongue caress the roof of my mouth. Edwards scent filled my mouth, my head, my entire body and my thoughts willed him to keep going. Edwards lips curved into a smile before releasing mine and he rolled off me, onto his back to face the darkening sky. We both sat in silence a moment to allow our breathing to even. How comforting it was to know that I excited him, the way he excited me.

"Edward," I breathed, "If you're trying to distract me, you're going to have to try harder than that."

His hand entangled mine and he pushed himself on his side. I moved my head so that I could look into his eyes.

"I had an epiphany," He paused for a moment,"Or I guess the epiphany was strangled out of me but it was an epiphany all the same." He finished. His perfect smile made an appearance then.

"And you're going to leave it at that, aren't you?" I assumed.

He responded by stretching his neck and reaching toward me for another kiss.

"I better get you back to your truck so you can pick up your mother."

I groaned but offered my hand so that he could help me up from the ground. He didn't release it once I was standing but pulled me closer for another mind boggling kiss before tossing me gently across his back. He chucked and started to sprint through the dampening trees.

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