1After his third date with Dead!Eden, Sylar thought he needed space. And what better way than to date someone new. Unfortunately, he had tried all of the women he knew. So he went back to his trusty fanfiction and browsed. There he saw it: Mylar. MohinderxSylar. Now, Mohinder did have beautiful hair and Sylar had never tried Slash...

SLASH!OPTION #1-Mohinder Suresh

Sylar showed up at Mohinder's apartment with a dozen roses. Why a dozen when he gave his gff (girlfriend forever) one? Because he was feeling the romance!

Mohinder opened the door, saw the roses and shut it. But Sylar knew how a Sylarmance works. He kicked open the door.

"Go out with ME!" He decreed in that deadly, creepy way that totally says "do it or die".

Mohinder looked at his broken door, at the roses, then out the window at some slutty broad jogging for attention, then back at Sylar.

"No."

"But why?"

"I'm not gay."

"But this is fanfiction, everyone can be gay!"

(AN: Even Dean Winchester? Come on people.)

"No."

"But we are such an awesomely adowable couple!"

"If I were gay I could do way better than you. I'd go for Nathan Petrelli."

And then Sylar was devastated. He threw the roses on the ground and stormed out in tears. Amidst his grief, Sylar thought of his next option.

SLASH!OPTION #2-Nathan Petrelli

Nathan Petrelli. He's a politician, he's got a great smile and flying power. Sylar couldn't think of anyone more perfect. But alas! On Nathan's website (and Myspace) it says that he is...MARRIED! So Sylar shuffled him to the bottom of the Slash!Candidates.

SLASH!OPTION #3-Peter Petrelli

Peter Petrelli. Definitely teh hawtness! And unmarried! Plus, the whole hate/love had worked awesomely with Dead!Eden.

Much delighted, Sylar went looking for Peter. It wasn't hard, he only had to find the guy jumping off random tall buildings. Well...the first three guys were just suicidal, but the fourth was Peter.

Like the gentleman he was, Sylar flung Peter into a wall.

"I have one question." He said villainly. (Yes villainly)

"What?"

"Do ya think I'm sexy?"

At this point Peter fainted, but no one was surprised; this tends to happen.

"What did I do wrong? Was I too sexy?" Sylar seriously considered the fact that his awesome homemade vest was just too sezzy for the likes of Peter Petrelli.

While Sylar puzzled out what went wrong, Peter ran away. When he came to a consensus that it was a combination of sexy! manly! And Peter's natural tendency to pass out- he realized Peter was gone.

Sylar fell to the ground clutching his heart, praying for death, but he knew he must go on...that and Peter hadn't actually said no.

Yes, He realizes this about Peter and not about Niki. Figure that out.

SLASH!OPTION #4-Matt Parkman.

Too icky even for Sylar. Last resort.

SLASH!OPTION #5-The Haitian

The whole power canceling was a buzzkill.

SLASH!OPTION #6-Cheerleader's Dad a.k.a. Mr. Bennet

...Nah that wouldn't be HOTXHOTXHOT!ACTION! For the fangirls.

SLASH!OPTION #7-Ted Sprague

Mysterious, tragic and sexy! Okay...maybe just the first two...but looks don't matter to SYLAR! He's freaking SYLAR!

Ted was being transported by the FBI, but Sylar knew the Route because he is the awesomeness and the FBI has nothing on him. Actually, Sylar considered himself somewhat of a ROXXOR! So he makes the Fibbi vehicle do a nice little flip upside-down and then slides it across the street because SYLAR! Is too freakin' awesome to walk. He flings the doors open and...

"GO OUT WITH ME!" No chance for denial here.

Ted stared at him.

"What?"

"GO OUT WITH ME!" Maybe Ted was a little deaf.

"I don't think so."

"WHY!?"

"First off, you talk in all caps and that bugs the crap out of me."

"Sorry."

"Second, if I were gonna have a slash pairing even though I am clearly straight, it would have to be with Matt Parkman. He is teh sezzyness!"

"But he's chubby!"

"So? More-"

Sylar could take it no more. He cut open Ted like he was a can of tuna, and took out his brain, which he then so carefully placed in his lunch pail. All the while crying like a little girl.

SLASH!OPTION #8-Hiro Nakamura and Ando Masahashi

Yes both of them. Because what fangirl would mind a little three-way SLASH! action. Plus Ando wasn't too interesting if there was no Hiro. They were like an oreo, can't really have one part without the other. Except Hiro was more like the awesome filling, and Ando was like the boring outside that is only okay when it has the filling. Or with milk. But that's just complicating the analogy too much.

Hiro and Ando were standing in a comic book store, arguing capes vs. no capes. Sylar was definitely a cape man himself, but he didn't want to piss off half of his future bff (boyfriend forever, not best friend. Because Sylar doesn't need any frickin' friends!).

"Hello." He said, trying to be friendly, but just being creepy.

"Syral!" Hiro cried.

"What?"

"OMG! Hiro, it's Sylar! Kill him!" Ando squealed. "I don't wanna die before I get the internet stripper's autograph!"

"Syral!" Hiro repeated.

"Sy-lar." Sylar said slowly, half of bff had to know how to pronounce his name.

"Oh sorry. Sy-lar. Right?" Hiro asked hopefully.

"That's right!" And they hugged and laughed and were so happy.

"Hiro! That's Sylar!"

Hiro jumped back as if Sylar were on fire, which he actually was because he had eaten his lunch earlier and had acquired Ted's explode-y ability.

"Oops." He turned it off because he is so WAY-AWESOMELY better at controlling his stolen powers than Peter Petrelli.

"I must kill you!" Hiro cried. Actually cried, like sobbing, cried.

"Then do it. Or I'll have to kill you. You know, I think we've been here before."

Hiro nodded.

"So, wanna go out with me?"

"Go where?" Hiro was so cute and innocent.

"Like dating."

"No! I am a-straight."

Sylar shook his head sadly. Who were they fooling?

"We're not gay!" Ando protested.

"Sure..."

"I watch internet stripping!"

"I liked Charlie!"

"And Michael Jackson got married, so? Wanna go out?"

Hiro looked at Ando, and Sylar knew he was going to say yes. Until they both disappeared.

But Sylar did not cry. He knew they needed time to face their inner gay.

SLASH!OPTION #9-DL Hawkins

Sylar has jungle fever!

Sylar found DL bleeding to death. Again.

"Wanna go out, homeboy?" Sylar asked all cooly.

"I'm not gay." Was becoming the mantra of the day. People needed to have a more open mind.

"Come on, it will be fun, fo' shizzle."

"What are you saying?"

"Come on, g. Let's go out."

So DL phased through the ground and was gone.

Sylar knew it never would have worked. Mom wouldn't have approved. They were from different worlds.

SLASH!OPTION #10-"Claude Rains" a.k.a. the "Invisible Man" a.k.a. "the Doctor"

Oh Claude...he had that accent, and the mystery...and that hobo look totally worked on him. They would be perfect for each other.

Only, he couldn't find Claude. He tried the heartbeat detecting, but since he didn't know if Claude's heart beat any differently than the other several billion hearts on the planet...it wasn't easy to find him. So, dejected, Sylar had to move onto the last option in his list.

SLASH!OPTION #11-Dead!Isaac Mendez

Dead had worked before.

Sylar went to Dead!Isaac's grave and put a rose on it. The rose flew off.

"But I just wanna talk!" Sylar pleaded.

"No! You two-timing slut! Eden told me you were dating her!"

"But I'm over her! I want you!"

"No and no. I'm already seeing Ted!"

"But he said he wanted Parkman!"

"That was before you killed him. There's a whole lot less to choose from when you're dead. Mostly everyone has hooked up already."

(AN: Oh the blasphemy...)

"But...but...I love you Isaac! The way you died, so courageous!"

"Yeah well...you're eyebrows are freaky and I would never ever ever date you."

"Not even tomorrow?" Sylar tried the Eden route.

"No. Me and Ted are going to an Elvis concert."

"Elvis is dead."

"..."

"Ted...I mean Isaac-"

"You can't even remember which scummy looking guy I am! Get out of here! I hate you!"

And so Sylar ran off wailing and cursing the fanfiction world for introducing the Slash!idea into his overloaded head. ...then went and bought roses because Eden was gonna be pissed...