Chapter Three: Discussion

I was running, the trees blurring around me. The air was so fast around my ears that I couldn't hear a thing. It was dark, and the raindrops glistened on the leaves like pure liquid malice. The air was cold, but I couldn't feel it burning in my lungs. I was leaden with fear, but no heart beat angrily in my chest.

I kept running, running forward, running away. I knew that if I just got around the bend, there would be something there, someone who would protect me, keep me safe, chase away the fearful shadow I was running from. Sure enough, Edward stepped out of the darkness, softly illuminating the foliage around him. He caught me in his iron arms, but his strength didn't feel as irresistible as usual.

"Shh," he whispered to me, "It's all right, Bella. You'll be fine. I won't let anything hurt you."

"Promise you won't let go," I said, fearful still.

"I'll never let you go," he replied.

Then his muscles went rigid. A shape emerged out of the gloom in the direction I'd been running from. A wolf appeared, but it was no ordinary canine—enormous and shaggy, it had a predatory-looking muzzle and red eyes with a feral gleam.

Edward straightened up, snarling defensively. His arms loosened and I was falling, falling, falling…

Now I was in a bright white closet, scanning a rack of clothes. I chose a dark blue blouse—the only item I recognized—and slid it on. My body was unfamiliar; I was slightly taller, my stomach flatter…I finished dressing and looked at my hands. They were pale, almost as pale as the colorless carpet, but soft and papery…I looked up at my reflection in the full-length mirror. I saw my feet, crinkled and squished into gold heels…my legs, covered in jeans…my neck, slightly yellowed…finally I reached my face. My lips were puckered, my skin sagging around my angular features, my honey-colored eyes staring back at me in desperation. I reached up, felt my loose skin, tore at it, hoping it was a mask, something I could take off to see my true face, but no matter how hard I pulled, the mask of age stayed. I screamed and screamed, clawed at my cheeks, but nothing changed…

Edward's face swam before me. "You'll always be seventeen to me, love," he said, before his eyes flashed red and he faded away.

I sat up in bed, breathing hard. My throat was sore, as if I had just been screaming.

Edward looked worried.

"Are you okay, love?" he murmered, stroking my hair cautiously.

"Yeah," I said faintly. My voice was hoarse. "The…the nightmares…I thought they were gone. I thought they weren't coming back." He nestled me in his arms, rocking slightly. It was unspeakably comforting.

"I'm sorry, love," he said, and I couldn't tell if he was apologizing for my nightmares, or for leaving me, or for the latter causing the former. It didn't matter to me; I let his calming presence fill the long silence. Everything, every touch, every feeling, felt completely new to me.

"I just don't understand," I muttered, "I thought the nightmares came because you were gone. Why should they come back when you do?"

"Dreams are manifestations of the subconscious mind. The more brain activity, the more likely you are to dream, especially if it's too much for you to handle while you're awake. You've had a lot to think about in the last few hours, love. It's nothing to be ashamed of." Still, his face was troubled. After all this time, did he still think he could fool me?

"Yeah," I said simply. I was always at a loss for words around him—time hadn't changed that either. I wondered if we would be able to keep our tradition of carefully selective openness. I hoped we would be able to share more with each other now; I didn't want a single part of me disconnected from him in any way.

"What is it?" he asked, observing my speculative expression.

"I was just thinking," I replied, using my default response, "how is it you know everything?"

"I don't," he said, sounding surprised, "I've made some of the worst choices possible. First I let you in, putting your life in danger. Then I left, putting your mind in danger. I could have a thousand masters degrees, and there would still be so much for me to learn."

I tried to glare at him, but was overcome at seeing his glorious face again. "You know what I mean," I muttered lamely.

"Oh, the dream thing?" he chuckled slightly, though his face was still dark. "I studied Freud when he was just getting started."

"Really?" It was funny, how the little things like this always seemed to catch me off guard.

"Yes." He smiled enigmatically. I caught my breath. "You can see, I suppose, why psychology would interest me." His crooked grin returned, and my head spun. His beauty seemed even more surreal after our time apart. No subconscious manifestation could possibly do him justice.

"Oh." I lay back, breathing. His scent was everywhere. I could feel Edward staring at me.

"You're different," he said.

"Yes." What else was I supposed to say? But I was saved from having to elaborate, for Edward's posture had suddenly become alert. This familiar action set my heart racing, and I began to feel like I was drowning. I gasped for breath, and Edward panicked.

"Bella?" he was already by my side, of course. "Bella? Are you okay?"

"What's—what's the matter?" I gasped.

"It's just Charlie," he reassured me. I breathed again.

"Oh. Charlie." I could have laughed out loud.

"I'm going to have to hide," Edward said to me, "but I'll be right here the whole time, okay? I won't leave you for a second." It felt nice to be reassured, before I even had to ask. Maybe Edward had learned a little something in our time apart.

"Okay," I whispered. My voice was thin, like a child's. I was irked by my own vulnerability. Edward melted into the shadows, and I felt like I was hanging on to a ledge I couldn't see.

Charlie entered the room, and I realized I had no idea how to act right now. I tried to dull myself, but it was difficult when I felt so very alive.

"Is everything alright, Bells?" he asked, his face assuming the mask of fatherly concern that it always wore when he was around me. It hadn't been that way before, I realized.

"Mmm-hmm. Why?" I tried to look robotic and innocent at the same time. I wondered if this could possibly be fooling him; surely I must be radiating waves of contentment?

"You were screaming your head off a minute ago."

"Oh," I replied. I couldn't think of anything else to say. I remembered something Edward had said to me once: You're a terrible actress. I'd say that career path is definitely out for you. Thinking of him almost brought back the pain, but this involuntary reaction was replaced by giddiness when I remembered that he wasn't gone; he was here, in this very room. I tried to betray none of these emotions to Charlie, who looked apprehensive.

"Bells?" he asked tentatively, "can I come in?" I nodded half-heartedly, trying to be the same person I had been yesterday. It was getting more difficult by the minute.

Charlie stepped through the threshold and, still nervous, sat on the edge of my bed. Then, in an unusual gesture, he lay his arm lightly around my shoulders. He was more muscular than he looked—all that fishing. He smelled clean, and his presence was warm and sturdy. I realized that this was one of the first times I'd thought of Charlie as a proper father.

"Bells," he began again, "as much as I want to stop it, I know you're in pain. And as much as I hate to admit it, I know the reason. I've been doing my very best to help, but—but I'm pretty sure all that was just wishful thinking on my part. I've given up trying to force you to change. Now I'm just going to…try to understand. So, if there's…anything you need to talk about, or anything, you…you know I'm always here for you." He looked so awkward, so concerned, I wanted to comfort him. I leaned into his one-armed hug.

"Thanks, Dad," I said simply, "I'll think about it." He sighed, stood up, and looked me over once more.

"Alright," he said, "Billy invited me to go fishing today, but I can cancel if you need me here…"

"It's okay, Dad. I have laundry to do, stuff like that," I lied vaguely. My imagination had already raced ahead of me, focusing on the moment when Charlie would leave, when Edward would be in sight again…

"'Kay. Well…you should go back to bed, Bells. It's four-thirty in the morning." I was surprised to realize it was still dark outside—the momentousness of recent events had wiped out my sense of time. I felt guilty for having woken Charlie up.

"Okay," I said, crawling back under the covers, "have fun fishing." Charlie left the room, and Edward was at my side instantaneously.

"Ssssh," he said. As if I'd been planning to speak, when all I wanted to do was revel in the smooth coolness of his arms.

A long moment passed. I thought about the bursting, buzzing feelings his return had brought. Human again, I thought, like in Beauty and the Beast. How silly…

"Alice!" I said suddenly, sitting up. Edward looked around in alarm. "No," I explained, "she's not here. I was just thinking about Disney movies, and then I thought about Alice." He looked at me that same way again, as if he'd never seen me before.

"That's nice," he finally said.

"What is?" I snapped, irritated.

"You explaining your thought process to me like that," he said simply. "I like it." I smiled. Even the tiniest bit of praise from him practically set me glowing. I knew it was pathetic, but I just couldn't seem to gather up the energy to care.

"But my question was," I persisted, "did the rest of your family come back, too? Or was it just you? And were they with you when you met Victoria? What have they been doing?"

"They weren't with me," Edward replied, another shadow flitting across his face. "they moved back to Denali for a while, to stay with Tanya's family. Then, just a few months ago, when they…finally accepted that I wasn't going to change my mind—" he grimaced an apology—"they decided to settle in Maine. They've already bought a house…"

"So they're…are they in Maine now?" My throat was dry.

"No," he said, looking surprised, "they were going to move there over the summer. So Alice could pretend to enter the school as a freshman. But…they're no longer planning to go, I don't think. But they're keeping the house just in case." I noticed he wasn't as eloquent as usual. I wondered if he'd thought through this plan at all. In some ways, I guessed, he'd been thinking about it the whole time…but in other ways, he was woefully unprepared. I was struck by the realization that he'd been just as lost as I had.

"So they're…moving back? Or…what's going to happen?"

"I don't know," Edward admitted. "I…guess I never really considered that; all I could really focus on was how much I needed you. See, since all of us are supposed to have graduated from high school by now, there'd really be…no reason to move back…" I gasped. I could feel the hole opening again, the edges piercing and sharp, clearly framing the black chasm of utter hopelessness…

"Bella? Bella? Are you alright?" I couldn't gather up my answer; all the pieces of it seemed lost in the gaping emptiness threatening to consume me.

"Bella, it's alright. It's okay. I'm not going to leave you again. Ever." At those magical words, the darkness disappeared. I opened my eyes and was suddenly aware of the sweet face in front of me, the cold arms encompassing me.

He rocked me back and forth again, making comforting noises. It was strange—despite all his care before, he seemed to handle me even more delicately now. I felt more secure at this moment than I ever had before.

"We'll figure something out, love. Some way to visit them…when we go off to college, we can split the time, come here for some breaks, go there for others…we'll see them, I promise. Alice misses you quite a bit. And Emmett—he liked having a human around."

"When we go to college?" I asked, dubious.

"That's what you want, isn't it? I mean—you want me to come with you, right? That wouldn't be…strange for you, would it? I can stay out of sight if you like…"

"Edward." I sat up now, separating myself from him so I could look him in the eye. "Don't be ridiculous. Of course I want you with me. I will always want you with me, and never in a hundred million years would I hide you away. What on Earth gave you that idea, anyway?"

"I just…thought…I don't know. I know better than to try to guess what you want now, but at least I can anticipate it, be ready to comply with whatever you decide…"

"Whatever we decide, Edward. From now on we make all of our decisions together. Too much pain has come out of our constant guessing, our attempts to read each others' minds." I smiled. He grinned crookedly back.

"Together. Sounds like something I can live with."

"Good," I said, snuggling back into his arms, "because I'm not going anywhere." We stayed like that for another long, exquisite moment, then I shattered the silence. "Seriously, though—college? How are we going to work that one out?"

"Well, generally, one applies, gets accepted, pays tuition, moves into the dorms—"
"Edward, have you ever heard of a rhetorical question? I'm simply wondering, because you seem to be under the impression that you must answer every single thing anybody asks of you."

"Rhetorical questions? Yes, I believe I've heard of those before." We looked at each other for a moment. The banter seemed thin, the jokes not as satisfying as usual. Probably because we could both see through them into the far more serious matter hiding beneath the shroud of light conversation.

"I mean…Won't I be…I mean, I'll be in no condition, will I?" I studied the thin quilt on my bed, picking at a loose white thread.

"No condition? What do you mean?" His tone was so sharp with concern, I looked up in alarm. His eyes were earnest and confused.

"I mean…" my voice was dwindling to a whisper. "You have thought about the…other issue, haven't you?"

"The other issue?" He sounded wary now.

"I mean, when you…change me. Have you really thought about it? The timing, where we're going to go, what we're going to do afterwards?" His faced changed; Worry, conflict, anger, frustration and longing competed for prevalence in his expression.

"Bella, you…I…do you really still want that? After all I've put you through, after seeing what…something like me is capable of, you still want to become…this?" He seemed genuinely surprised. I was, too. I'd expected that that was what this all meant; he'd come back because he'd changed his mind. Why else would he? Besides me, what was there for him in Forks? He couldn't come back here if he didn't expect to take me with him, could he?

"Of course I want that! Of course I want to be your equal, of course I want an eternity with you! Who wouldn't want that? To spend a minute in your arms and know that I have the option to stay that way forever? Never to have to count the moments, never to wonder how many I have left, never to have to let you go? I can't think of anything better." Edward was silent for a moment, thinking over what I had said. His expression was one I wasn't used to seeing; it was softer, gentler even than the expression he usually wore when he looked at me. He looked…touched. I was astounded to know I could affect him that way. Edward never failed to surprise me.

"Of course I see the beauty in that too," he finally agreed, "but I don't know if I can…do this to you. For my own purposes, there's nothing I want more than to have you forever. But still…I can't destroy you like that, Bella. You have everything—you have a future, you have a soul. You have humanity on your side. All I have ahead of me is decades of emptiness. Is that really something you want to share with me?"

"We could fill them," I answered simply.

Silence. The moments felt brittle, glistening, too good to be true. Like they could all be taken away within the space of another moment.

"Bella, it's your soul," he finally burst out. "The essence of your being. I can't take that away from you."

"I don't believe you would be. I don't believe anybody could be as wonderful as you are without a soul. And even if that was what happened," I continued, taking his hand, "I'd gladly trade my soul for you. I'd do it in a moment. After all, what joy could heaven hold for me if you weren't there to share it? It's a simple choice, really: An eternity with you or an eternity without you. The answer is obvious."

"I don't know…" he looked anguished.

"Well, we don't have to know right this second. But we will have to make a decision, and soon."

"True."

"But there is one slightly more urgent matter."

"There is?" he looked surprised again. I was so unused to seeing that expression on his face.

"Yes. Why does Charlie think you're here?"

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Oooh…suspense! Tell me what you think. Was that last bit a little too abrupt? Was Edward OOC? I'm thinking about rewriting this chapter…anyway, opinions would be appreciated!