Chapter Four: Decision
"What do you mean?" Edward asked me.
"I mean, what are we going to tell him—about why you're back? We can't exactly hide it from him, can we? There's no way I'm staying away from you long enough for that." Edward smiled at my open admittance of codependency.
"Well…I thought I'd just tell him the truth." He must have seen the startled look on my face, because he added, "Or at least a part of it. That I just couldn't stay away from you."
"Oh," I said, "is that it?" Charlie's not exactly astute, but it would still take a lot more than that flimsy story to fool him.
"You haven't heard the second part of my plan," Edward answered.
"Which is?"
"Grovel." I never thought I'd hear Edward say that word. Then again, Edward's new, seemingly changed self was surprising me a mile a minute.
"You? Charlie?" If the matter wasn't so grave, I would've been choking on my laughter.
"Absolutely." He looked so deadly serious that my amusement flickered and died in an instant. "Bella," he began, "if there is one thing that—that the last few months have taught me, it's that your presence is vital to me. I would sacrifice anything—my dignity included—to avoid losing that again. You," he added, smirking wistfully, "are my lifeblood."
I'd heard him speak this way before, of course, but this was…different somehow. His words seemed to carry more resonance, more importance. More permanence, maybe. These words, loaded with meaning, sent thrills up my spine and chills down my back. Edward was the same in so many ways, but something about him seemed fundamentally altered. What was it he'd once said? We're like stone—once we've made up our minds, we hardly ever change. Something like that. To think that I had that power—to affect something so eternal, so quickly.
"Besides," Edward added, "It's a crap shoot anyway. The best I can hope for is Charlie not attempting to stab me and exposing us all." The smirk grew playful. Oh yes, Edward was definitely in there somewhere.
"You've got a point there," I muttered.
There was silence. Edward observed my face carefully. I was surprised at how much I'd missed that—his expression, a curious mixture of frustration and affection, as he attempted once again to divine my thought process.
"So," he said finally, "I suppose we need to decide on a story."
"Story?"
"To tell Charlie."
"Oh." I was puzzled. "I thought we'd already decided that you were going to tell him the truth?"
"Yes…but he'll want to know everything. Where we plan to go from here."
I frowned. "That's true…" I posed my next question tentatively, still absurdly afraid of the answer. "Where do we plan to go?"
Edward let a long silence elapse before he spoke again. "I don't know."
"Would we go to Maine? Move in with Tanya and her family? Or go to some other secluded place? Where would be the safest place?"
"Bella…" Edward hesitated yet again. It was as if he was being careful with his words, now, as well as his actions. "Bella, do you really want to do this?" he knew what I was getting at, then. "Think about it—the eternal thirst you would feel, a thirst that could never be fully satiated. The loss of your soul. The lonesome stretch of forever, filled with incessant monotony. No foreseeable end. Is this really, truly what you want? You would sacrifice your happiness—your normalcy—your life and your humanity—just to be with me?" He looked doubtful, like he'd done a better job of convincing himself than he had me.
"Edward," I said clearly, "you are my happiness. You are my normalcy. You are my life and my humanity. You saw how I was before—surely you can't doubt that I need you? Without you, I can exist, but I cannot live. Even if what you say really is true—even if spending eternity with you would mean losing my soul—it's of no importance. I can function without my soul, but my soul cannot function without you. Edward," I implored, "please do not condemn me to an eternity of half-life; without you, even heaven would become Hell."
"Dammit, Bella!" Edward complained. I almost laughed at the familiarity of the expression, but then I saw that he had, in a very uncharacteristic gesture, his face in his hands. His back arched forlornly, and his almost metallic-looking bronze hair glowed in contrast to his pallid neck. I realized what this was—some new way of expressing worry, a way that acknowledged the truth of the matter, forgoing his usual rigid stubbornness. It was almost like he was giving up.
Finally, almost inaudibly, he whispered, "yes."
"What?" I sputtered, surprised.
"Yes, I will…change you. Yes, I will take away your soul. Yes, I will damn you to an eternal struggle. Because it's either that, or hurt you again…and that is something that I simply cannot do."
Strangely enough, no giddiness washed through me. I felt no particular joy, just a profound sense of relief. Ridiculously, I felt more concerned for him—for the difficulty of his choice.
"Thank you," I muttered simply, pulling him into me. I wrapped my arms around him and curled into his lap, leaning my head against his shoulder. His blue thermal shirt was still slightly damp with my tears from earlier, but the fabric was soft and it felt nice. I inhaled his scent deeply, feeling drugged by the sweet perfume.
"I wonder," I mused.
"Yes?" Edward responded. Cautious. I could tell he didn't want to think too much about his decision.
"When I'm…a vampire," I smiled at the thought, while Edward cringed at the word, "will you still smell like this?"
He looked at me. "Yes…"
"What I mean is, will you still smell like this to me?" I wasn't going to let this go—it seemed somehow important now.
"Yes and no," he answered, grudgingly honest. He was going to have to get used to that. "I'll still have the same scent…but it won't be quite the same to you. This scent isn't meant to attract other vampires…only our prey." He looked at me to gauge my reaction.
"So then," I reflected, "it'll still be the most beautiful scent in the world, just not so impossibly alluring."
He laughed. "Sounds about right." He sat still then, and I curled up, resting against him. I closed my eyes, breathing in his heady aroma and listening to his measured breath. My blood wasn't quite racing, but in bubbled in my veins, just on the precipice of boiling. My muscles weren't quite tense with excitement, but they quivered, at the ready. I felt how I always felt around Edward—halfway between at ease and on edge, between strangely displaced and perfectly at home.
I contemplated my victory for a while. It was an exhilarating thought—to be beautiful, unbreakable, immortal, and eternally in love. A choice anyone would take…
My mind wandered along this track for a long while. Finally, I was brought back to reality (or my dreamlike version of it) by the sound of the front door slamming.
Edward started upright when I did.
"Charlie?" I asked.
He nodded in confirmation. A car door slammed, an engine revved, and Charlie was gone. There was another one of those silences. Neither of us mentioned what we were feeling, because there simply weren't adequate words. Both of us were surprised when I suddenly spoke.
"Maine," I said. That single word hovered in the abnormally still air for a moment, before Edward replied, "Yes."
"I think we should go there," I informed him.
"Bella…" some of that exasperated tone I was so accustomed to crept into Edward's voice. "Bella, maybe you don't fully understand what's involved in this…process. Newborn vampires…well, they're animals. It takes years to gain enough self-control to be around humans on a regular basis." I reflected on that for a moment.
"Well," I reasoned, "we wouldn't have to live in town with your family. Would there be anywhere more…secluded nearby?" Edward sighed.
"Probably," he gave.
"Why don't we go there, then?" I reasoned. "We could be near yo—our family," he smiled slightly at my self-edit, "and I wouldn't be…dangerous to anyone."
"Bella," Edward's voice was sharp, "no matter where you go, you'll always be dangerous to someone. That's what I've been trying to tell you. Can you possibly fathom that there might be more than everlasting joy in the equation?" He was now ranging toward the bitterly sarcastic.
"Yes," I replied, equally sardonic, "it did occur to me that I might face some difficulties in becoming a vampire." Abruptly, the tense mood stretched to its limit and snapped. "Edward," I said softly, "I'm not going to change my mind. I know the risks. I just know it's worth it."
"Do you, Bella? Do you truly, honestly think you know what you're in for?"
"No," I informed him honestly, "but even if I did—even if I had every single gory detail memorized—it would not change my decision. Without you, the best I can hope for is, literally, nothing."
"Bella…"
"I think Maine makes sense," I interrupted, determined to keep the mood light. I would not let Edward guilt me out of my triumph. "Think about it…we could find somewhere isolated there, somewhere where you could keep me from hurting anyone. I'm sure there's plenty of wildlife around…" I cringed. The whole eating-raw-wild-animals thing was, admittedly, not something I looked forward to. "And," I continued, "we'll be close enough that your family can visit."
Edward was silent.
"Come on," I prodded, "you have to admit it makes sense."
"It does," he agreed grudgingly.
"And we could make up a good story to go with it…a little college or something along those lines. Just to appease Charlie and Renee."
"Incidentally," Edward asked, suspiciously cheerful, "have you applied to any colleges?"
I considered for a moment. "You know," I whispered, "I honestly don't remember." Edward's face turned bleak.
"Regardless," I said, still quiet, "we can tell Charlie that."
Edward nodded. He looked so guilty—I felt an acute agony at causing his pain. I knew it wasn't my fault, but deep down, on a level below reason, I blamed myself. I was going to have to work on that.
"So where do we go from here?" It was a legitimate question—Edward's return really was very poorly planned.
"I was thinking Denali," Edward replied, "then we'll go with the family to Maine, and then…well, you know the rest." It looked like it hurt him to think about it. For that I was sorry—but not sorry enough to change my mind.
"That's reasonable," I agreed. "And I was thinking…the sooner the better." Edward looked up at me. "I mean, the sooner we go…"
"Bella," Edward asked yet again, "are you really sure about this? After all, I've only been here a few hours, and it's been a very emotional night…how do you know you won't wake up tomorrow morning and hate me for what I've done?" He was so sincere, I had to shake my head in disbelief.
"I've had plenty of time to hate you, Edward…but the thought never crossed my mind. I could never hate you. I even have a hard time being angry with you." I looked into his rich golden eyes, and felt myself boil over. I leaned toward him.
This kiss was softer, sweeter than the last. Of course, kissing Edward could never be a gentle thing for me, not with my heart reacting so violently. On the surface it was gentle, but my system raged, greedy and perpetually dissatisfied.
I was the one who broke away this time. Loath as I was to separate myself from him, there was something I felt the overwhelming need to say.
"I love you," I informed him, tasting his exquisite breath on my tongue. Even the air was sweeter with Edward near.
It took him a moment to slow his breathing, to tame the amber fire in his eyes. When he was finally back to himself, he whispered, "I know."
We enjoyed another moment of perfect calm. It felt like there was a bubble of happiness around us, one that would burst if either of us moved a centimeter.
"I think…there's something I need to do," I said, shattering the peace.
"What's that?" Cautiously.
"I think it would…help me if I could see your old house. Just one last time." It was and idea I'd been turning over in my head before the numbness took over completely. I'd thought it might bring me closer to him—but now I realized that seeing the place would bring me the closure I needed. Saying goodbye to the place that had once connected the two sides of my double life would be the perfect way of letting go.
"Alright," Edward replied. He sounded reserved, maybe slightly puzzled, but willing enough.
"Would now be a good time?"
………………………………………………………………………………………………
I'm so excited to see what happens! I might have to start the next chapter immediately…
M'good friend Alice has begun work on another bonus chapter…50 reviews and it's yours for the reading! And let me tell you, this one's going to be good…
Also, if you're a Harry Potter fan, I'd be much obliged if you'd take a look at my new oneshot, "The Only Thing She Ever Feared." Muchas gracias!