A/N: I needed to get this out before tonight's episode came and I started hating Lindsey even more than I already do lol. It's hard to write her sympathetic when she's such a bitch on the show. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this. Thanks to Ellie for beta'ing and thanks to all of you for the support. I appreciate it more than you know.
Next chapter should be out in a week at the latest. Part of it is already written.
Disclaimer: I don't own OTH.
Chapter Seven: Voices
Words by themselves mean nothing. We as a society give them a voice in our world. We put a reason and a motivation behind everything we say. It goes further than that though. Words are almost three-dimensional. Their basic meaning can be twisted and turned depending on how the word is said.
The voice holds the key to every word spoken. Say your name, but say it as a pitted mutter, a barked laugh, a bellowing yell, a stifled cry, a drawn out sigh, or a strangled hiss. Each time the meaning changes.
It's not just a name. It can be as simple as a household object or as complex as an emotion. Say you hate someone. If you yell it, you're angry. If you laugh it, you're not angry (lest it be a maniacal laugh). If you say you hate someone while laughing with them, do you really hate them? Did the meaning change? Is hate possibly an empty word?
And if it's that way with hate, is it that way with love too?
Six Months Gone
There are good writers and there are good authors and the simple difference is any writer can write one good book, but a good author is the person whose second book breaks the mold. Lucas Scott is one who falls between the cracks. His second book, What Matters Most, arrived in stores this Wednesday, and I like many wondered where exactly Lucas Scott would take it.
When Lucas Scott writes about Peyton Sawyer, you fall in love with his book. The way he describes that first meeting between the former lovers, you smile at the way he tries to downplay his awe. The protagonist is described as, "Painfully aware of her presence, even before he stepped onto that court." Lines later, he goes on, "Longing would never be enough to explain just what Peyton Sawyer invoked in me." His love is there, just under the surface.
When he writes about moving on from her, you want to burn it. From his annoying best friend who couldn't but out of his business to his Mary Sue new girlfriend who was blissfully ignorant to the fact that her man was clearly not over his former love, the book made you want to tear your hair out in frustration. And unfortunately, unlike the regular solid love stories, there was no relief for the reader at the end. No fine tuned conclusion.
Lucas Scott married the wrong girl. But there was no painful longing in the writer's voice. No. There was emptiness, and as a result, the end fell flat. The writer couldn't convince us that the protagonist was over Peyton Sawyer not because the protagonist didn't believe that himself, but because the writer didn't. Lucas Scott, the author, couldn't come to terms with the thoughts of Lucas Scott, the protagonist.
So maybe that's why Lucas Scott wrote this book. To resolve his own feelings with Peyton Sawyer, but maybe he couldn't do it. One can guess there were scenes in his real life that he didn't put in this book. The night of Brooke Davis's boutique opening seems slightly fishy. The rehearsal dinner also seems too blurry for the night before the greatest day in one's life. And because Lucas Scott has trained us to read his mind, I can only blame Peyton Sawyer. Whatever she did or said on these nights probably holds the key. And we won't ever know, but that is something Lucas Scott, writer and protagonist, can reconcile. For the rest of us, we're doomed to be unfulfilled. But maybe that's unrequited love for you.
Lucas Scott stared at the review, his hand clenching the paper tightly. He wished, heartily, that he wrote fiction instead of memoirs. It would be so much easier to read reviews like this one. Then, they would be complaining about his writing style, not about his writing style AND his own heart.
Every single reviewer seemed to agree that Lucas was meant to be with Peyton and Peyton only. They all thought he was in denial. But the truth was he wasn't. He was just trying to fool everyone else. His readers. His family. His friends. Peyton. His wife.
And lately, Lindsey didn't believe it either. He loved Lindsey. He really did. If he didn't love her, he wouldn't be planning on starting a family with her.
Both of them felt the emptiness in their marriage. There was a void between them, small enough to go unnoticed but large enough that they both were looking for something to fill it with and both of them thought a baby would do the job.
They had started trying a few weeks after the honeymoon was over. Lindsey had gone off the pill. After five months, there was no pink positive line and Lucas kept reassuring Lindsey that this was common. But Lindsey, she wasn't so sure.
Maybe they were forcing it, Lucas thought. They were still young. Granted, Lindsey was a couple years older than him, but not enough where her biological clock was ticking. Still, Lindsey insisted that they check to make sure everything was all right with them. Lucas had obliged, like always.
He heard the front door slam, a tell tale sign that Lindsey was not only home, but probably had another review in her hand. Sure enough, as she rounded the corner she was clutching a paper.
"Oh," she said, "I see you read that too."
"Listen I understand that this review is upsetting, but this guy he doesn't know what he's talking about-"
"God it's not about that!"
"What?"
"I'm not upset about this Lucas! I'm not upset about this stupid piece of paper!"
"Well then what are you upset about?"
"This!" She shoved the paper she was clutching in his hands.
Lucas's eyes darted to the paper. Medical tests…
"I'm sterile, Lucas."
"I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh! And don't it feel good, yeah!"
"Okay dude, cut it out."
"I can't help it," Jake grinned," I'm still psyched that Rolling Stone took the time to review my album."
"And they thought it was good."
"Well yeah that too," Jake said, "Although even if they thought it was horse manure, I'd be happy."
"You sure? It is Rolling Stone after all," Peyton chuckled.
"Exactly. I'm just happy to be in there, I don't care what they said."
"So it doesn't matter that they called you a modern mix of-"
"-soulful melody and heartfelt lyrics which transcend time and offer the listener a look into the mind of a tested young man who has survived all life has thrown at him and still manages to try and ease the sufferings of those around him with his music."
"You memorized the review?" Peyton giggled, rolling her eyes.
"Of course, I did," Jake sighed, "I think I might frame the article for my wall."
"If you're acting this way now, just wait until the record goes platinum."
"You think it will?" Jake said.
"Of course I do," Peyton nodded, as they approached her apartment, "Now, would you like to come in and celebrate with a drink?"
"I can't," Jake said, "I got to get home and relieve Nikki from daycare duty."
"Your loss, Jagieleski."
"You gonna be all alone again tonight? Cause I can bring Jenny over and we'll watch a Disney flick."
"Thanks for worrying about me, but I'll be fine, Jake," Peyton smiled, "I need to give Brooke a call anyways and those conversations can go on for hours."
"Okay," Jake said, "But for the record, I still think you need to get out more. Interact with people. Maybe get yourself a date."
"No thanks."
"Seriously, don't you ever just want to find some ridiculously attractive guy, hook up with him, fall madly in love and then fly up to New York and pull a surprise visit on Lucas? Make him regret everything he did."
Peyton let out a long laugh, "Honestly? I think about that every day. But then, I realize that if I ever do fall in love again, hopefully it won't just be to make Lucas jealous. That pettiness is too high school for me."
"I don't know," Jake shrugged, "I think everyone deep down wants to prove to the people they were rejected by that they were good enough."
"I guess," Peyton said quietly, "Part of me thinks though that if I were ever to see Lucas again, I wouldn't have the strength to walk away. Doing it once was hard enough."
"Well then maybe he'll come back to you someday," Jake whispered.
"Don't say that," Peyton sniffed, the tears gathering at her eyes, "He's married and happy and that's all I want for him. My happiness will come some place else."
"It just won't be right if it's not you two together," Jake said as he pulled her into his arms, before whispering in her ear, "He's going to come around eventually. He wrote two damn books about you."
Peyton let out a howl of a laugh, which broke off from her sobs. "You read the second one too?"
"Of course I did, and you can't pretend like that's not why you're in a funk."
"He just seemed so optimistic about me being happy again," Peyton admitted, "It made me wonder if he ever felt as strongly about me as I did about him. Or I wonder if maybe he didn't realize how much I loved him. If I took him for granted…I just….ugh! I shouldn't have bought his stupid second book!"
"But you did. And you know what it said, and you can read between the lines."
Peyton nodded, but didn't say anything else. "You should go. Nikki's gonna kick my ass if she finds out I'm the reason you're late."
"No, she likes you," Jake said, "She'll kick my ass instead."
"True," Peyton said and she watched Jake back down the stairs in front of her apartment. He made it a few steps before he turned back.
"You know I'm still not used to you two being friends," he called back.
"Yeah I'm not either."
Peyton watched him nod before he disappeared down the street. A few moments passed before it clicked in her head that she was still standing outside. Zoning out was nothing new to her.
As soon as she opened the door to her apartment, the whiff of barely dried new paint caught her off guard and she almost stumbled back into the hall. Just this weekend, she had roped Jake into helping her paint the newly purchased apartment. It was a strange feeling for her to own a place. No rent. No Brooke.
The walls were a soft, pale yellow with a hand painted border of grapes and leaves. It looked very adult, and Peyton wanted to scrunch her nose at it. She hated the fact that at twenty-three years old she was considered adult.
That was normal for most people, but Peyton didn't like normal.
Peyton threw her keys in the bowl by the door and debated whether she should start dinner or call Brooke. Neither of the tasks appealed to her, and she'd much rather take a nice long hot shower. It wasn't that she didn't love Brooke. It was the exact opposite. She loved Brooke too much, every time she talked to her she felt a surge of guilt for not being around.
When she talked to Brooke, it made her want to go home. It was a strange habit that had led Peyton to the discovery. She had been traveling a lot, finding bands in cities all around Georgia. Every time she came home to this apartment she'd feel a sudden burst of emptiness and she'd call Brooke. Those conversations brought a smile to her face, and soon she realized that no matter how many times she painted this apartment, it would never feel like anything other than temporary. Tree Hill would always be home, with or without Lucas Scott.
Somewhere in the mess of thoughts that ran through Peyton's head, she had started a pot of boiled water and began dialing Brooke's number. Killing two birds with one stone, it seemed. It wasn't until she heard Brooke's husky voice that she realized exactly what she had done.
"P. Sawyer! I've been waiting for you to call!"
"Hey," Peyton said, her voice shaking a bit in surprise. She collected her thoughts and evened her voice. "How are you?"
"I'm good," Brooke said quickly and Peyton could picture her flipping her hand casually as if to shrug the question off. "The question is, how are you? You sound shaky like you've been crying."
Brooke Davis, master reader of Peyton Sawyer even states away. Was her voice that telling or was Brooke just that good?
"No, I haven't been crying," Peyton laughed, "I just have been zoning out a lot today."
"Yeah?" Brooke said softly, "So have I. It's been a weird day."
"Really? What's up?"
"Nice try, P. Sawyer," Brooke said, "Let's hear how your week was first."
"I'm the one who called you, thus implying I wanted to hear about your day, not ramble about mine."
"Peyton-"
"Fine…Rolling Stone published a review of Jake's album and they liked it. Oh and I finally painted my apartment. Nothing big."
"No steamy rendezvous with one of your employees in the copy room?"
"We don't have a copy room. Sorry to disappoint," Peyton chuckled, "Now tell me why your day was so weird."
"Oh it's really nothing. I just talked to Haley is all."
"Haley? Since when are you and Haley on the outs?"
"We're not," Brooke replied, "Well…we weren't until today."
"What happened?"
"Haley called me today and asked me if I could babysit Jamie, and I noticed her voice seemed almost frantic so I asked what was up and she just launched into this whole speech about how Lindsey went to the doctor the other day and it turns out she can't have kids-"
"Oh my," Peyton sighed, "You're kidding me?"
"Nope," Brooke said, "So I was like, 'oh that sucks,' but I didn't say anything else, cause honestly, what's there to say? But apparently she wasn't done because then she went on for a good twenty minutes about what this must be doing to Lucas and I'm just kind of giving my half hearted sympathy while trying to figure out how to work the dryer-"
"You have to flip the switch in the back."
"See that would have been helpful to know before I called Owen over to laugh at me," Brooke sighed, "But yeah anyways, she noticed I wasn't really paying attention and got mad and was like 'don't you care about this?'"
"So what'd you say?"
"I said, well it serves him right."
"Oh Brooke," Peyton sighed. She couldn't decide if she wanted to laugh or scold the other woman.
"I couldn't help it," Brooke said, "Anyways, then Haley got all flustered and was like 'I can't believe you'd say something like that! Did you ever think of how this must feel for Lindsey? And Lucas, he loves kids and blah blah blah.' So I was like 'I don't care about Lindsey and I sure as hell don't care about Lucas anymore and as far as I'm concerned I wish him nothing but the worst.' And as you can imagine, Lucas Scott's number one cheerleader didn't take that too well."
"Brooke Davis," Peyton said, "I can't believe you said that."
"What? It's the truth. Seriously, Peyton, I don't know why she told me about it. She knows that Lucas is the last person I ever want to talk about."
"Same here," Peyton muttered, "But Lucas is a big part of Haley's life. It's only natural for it to come up in conversation."
"Yeah but if I had to hear 'poor Lucas' one more time I was going to explode. It wasn't even about Lindsey, it was like she was trying to get me to feel sorry for Luke. Like she wanted me to forgive him."
"Why would you need to forgive him?"
There was dead silence. So long that Peyton wondered if Brooke had gotten disconnected or had hung up.
"Brooke."
"Yeah."
"You still there?"
"Yeah."
"Then answer my question."
"Peyton…"
"Brooke, just tell me."
"At his going away party, I told Lucas I hated him and that if he ever stepped foot in Tree Hill again I would tell Lindsey that he slept with you the night before he proposed. And umm, I told him…well never mind."
"Brooke."
"Ugh, fine. And then I told him I would never ever forgive him for what he did to you, and that I thought he was the lowest scum on the face of the earth."
"Oh my God…"
"Heh," Brooke muttered, "I'm not done."
"How can it get any worse?"
"I slapped him and left."
Peyton felt a million questions spring to her mind but only one managed to find its way out, "Did anyone see it?"
"Apparently Nathan who told Haley, but it's all good. He thought what I did was admirable, but I'm not allowed to tell Haley that."
"Oh."
"Listen, Peyton," Brooke began trying to explain, but Peyton cut her off.
"No, it's okay, Brooke," Peyton assured, "I know why you did it, and I appreciate you trying to take my side on this but-"
"That's not it. I mean it's part of it, but I did it because he took you away. He always takes you away."
"What?"
"Since we were nine it's always been you and me, and together we are at our strongest, and we can fight any demon that comes our way, you know? And then Lucas comes along, and he tears you away from me, and he makes you weak and hurt and scared and it's not you."
"Brooke, I-"
"It took me four years to get over Lucas, and what we had wasn't even half as close to what you two had. All he does is hurt people, Peyton. And I'm tired of the people he hurts being you and me. So I wanted him gone for good."
"I love you, Brooke," Peyton whispered, overcome with emotion and heart heavy with the knowledge that everything Brooke had said was true.
"I love you too, P. Sawyer," Brooke said. Peyton opened her mouth to say something more but a shrill beep echoed through the phone.
"Brooke," Peyton said, "I've got another call. Can I call you back?"
"Sure thing," Brooke said quietly. Peyton's finger hesitated over the flash button, wanting to say more to her best friend, but knowing that there wasn't much left to say.
She switched lines. "Hello?"
"Oh my God! Peyton did you hear?" Nikki screeched.
"No, what?" Peyton said absentmindedly as she flipped channels on the kitchen TV, nothing really catching her attention.
"Jake's record just jumped twenty spots on the Billboard charts!"
"What?"
"Some producer for TRL just called and said that he wanted to book Jake for the show. He's on the phone with him now. Peyton, they're predicting he jumped all the way to thirty-four."
Peyton stared down at the phone, her mouth frozen, incapable of saying anything.
"Peyton? Are you there?"
Her eyes flickered in recognition and she snapped back to life.
"Nikki, make sure Jake accepts the TRL offer. I need to call the office back at Tree Hill to verify the numbers. Tell Jake to call me as soon as he's done so we can iron out these details."
"We're going to need a new strategy, huh? I mean now that he's famous and all."
"He's not famous yet," Peyton said carefully, "He's on the brink though and we've got to be careful not to screw this up."
"You'll do fine," Nikki responded, "You've done great with him so far."
"This is a whole other ballpark."
"You're ready for it," Nikki assured.
"Heh," Peyton laughed, "Thanks."
"All right I'll let you go. Jake will probably be mad I told you before he could."
Peyton smiled at that and the two exchanged goodbyes before Peyton hurriedly called the Tree Hill office. Sure enough, TRL wasn't lying. Jake's album had hit a surge. The online campaign had paid off, big time. Peyton smiled as she listened to the reviews her staff had dug up. They weren't just praising Jake's music. They were praising his strategy.
She didn't get off the phone until one in the morning, and by that time, she was thoroughly exhausted, too tired to even call Brooke and tell her the good news. She would in the morning. Tonight, she was just going to bed. She turned off the TV in the kitchen, the one that had been running since this morning, and the apartment filled with silence. It was almost spooky.
She tiptoed to her CD collection, the one that stood side by side with her bookcase and pulled out Jake's album. The cover, by Jake's demand, was a picture of her. She had declined the idea several times, even when most of the staff agreed that she was the perfect face for the theme Jake's album was going for. She kept denying it until Jake went for the jugular and convinced Jenny, in her cutest voice, to talk some sense into her. Peyton couldn't say no to that little girl.
The shot was taken from just behind her ear, at an odd angle which showed her profile. The photograph was beautiful, though Peyton blushed every time she heard that. She didn't think it was that pretty. Sure the angle was nice and the dark lighting gave way for Peyton's natural glow to shine, but she wasn't pretty enough to be on a CD cover. She even joked with Jake that the only reason he picked her was because he knew she could cry real tears on cue for the shoot. All it took was one thought about…
Her thoughts trailed off as she turned to take a seat, a book jutting out from the shelf caught her eye. What Matters Most. Lucas's second novel was nestled next to his first. She thought for a second about the two different women who were portrayed in those books. She thought of how Lucas's views of her had changed, but how he had still kept true to his belief that she was destined for greatness.
Deep down, she wondered if he was the only one who felt that way. She had long ago given up hope of being anything other than ordinary, and she often caught the sympathetic looks Brooke had given her whenever Brooke's mother went off on how incompetent Peyton was. Brooke's sympathy wasn't what got to her, it was the fact that it seemed Brooke partially bought into it, even if she didn't want to. Brooke wasn't a fool-hearted optimist. She had her limits.
For the past six months, she had told herself that she would never be over Lucas. He had infected every inch of her life. Even now as she was on the verge of greatness, she thought of him. She wanted his approval. Since she had turned sixteen, he had been the only one whose opinion had mattered. If he loved it, then it was good, and if he hated it, it was bad.
He wasn't here anymore to pat her on the back. He hadn't led her down the right road, or kept her from straying from the path. She had done this on her own. She was the one who picked up the phone to call Jake. She was the one who came down here to record his music. She was the one who had been his muse for eleven tracks, and the cover to his album. It was all her. This victory in life belonged completely to Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer.
"I did it," she sighed, and the sudden realization of accomplishment caused tears to burst from her eyes as she released a heavy sob.
Peyton Sawyer had cried many times in her life, but there weren't many times when she could say she cried tears of joy.
Peyton and Jake are heading to New York...you know what that means? Lucas and Peyton will meet again in the next one. But I can assure you none of you will be able to guess how that exactly happens hehe.