Why had I done that? Could I have been anymore stupid? I thought the whole point of tonight was to NOT let Nick know how you felt, not to kiss him! I ran from Nick's room, slipping in the hallway, but that didn't stop me, I made a mad dash for my room and slammed my door. "ARGH!" I cried out before falling face first on to my bed. The only thing that this accomplish was further pain to my nose and blood on my quilt. I just couldn't do anything right, could I? I flipped over on to my back and stared at my ceiling. I wanted him so badly and now he was never, ever going to talk to me again. That was NOT a normal birthday present. When you're brother turns 18 you buy him lottery tickets, cigarettes, porn, shit like that, you don't kiss him!

When I was 18, my dad took me to register to vote, when Joe turned 18 I in turn took him. Had Joe taken Nick? It wasn't likely, but I didn't know because I'd been gone the whole day. I should have done that, taken Nick to get his voter's registration, not kissed him. How much stupider could I be? Not much. I was almost 23 years old, I still lived at home, I was playing teeny bopper music for girls half my age and I was in love with my 18 year old brother who would probably never be able to look me in the eyes again. When would things even out? Oh yeah, that's right, NEVER! I thought I had my feelings in check, stay away on major occurrences, don't be alone with Nick, don't let him get to you. GOD, what had I done? I had not only ruined his 16th and 18th birthdays, but possibly the rest of his life. I don't know how long I was staring at that ceiling, reprimanding myself again and again for my actions, but it seemed like forever before there was a knock on my door. I grunted. It didn't matter who it was at this point, I was in hell.

"I hope you're happy," Joe said, entering the room. I could see Aileen in the hallway waiting for him, and I wasn't sure that I wanted her to hear him set me straight, but there wasn't much that I could do to stop it.

"What?" I asked grumpily. Could this day get any worse?

"Nick's in tears. I just stopped by to wish him happy birthday again and he's curled up like a sick little kitten, crying his eyes out." Joe glared at me again. He seemed a little more sober, but not much, he'd just compared Nick to an ill feline. He was so much more then that.

"I-I…" I didn't know what to say. Of course I wasn't happy, but I couldn't explain to Joe what had happened! He never would have understood, just like Nick didn't. I'd forced Nick to tears…god, he was going to hate me forever.

"You what? You didn't mean to make him cry?" Joe asked in a mocking tone that I didn't much care for. "You ruined his birthday on accident?"

"YES!" I cried out. "OF COURSE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! HE'S MY BROTHER I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE MISERABLE!" I screamed. I wanted to get rid of Joe, I wanted him and his girl out of my sight. I wanted to be alone.

"THEN GO AND FIX IT!" Joe retaliated. "Apologize, give him your present, something!" Joe threw his arms in the air, clearly exasperated. That was part of the problem. I didn't have a present for Nick, I hadn't gotten him anything. I truly was the worst brother in the history of the world…well except for maybe Cain…he was pretty bad…that's not the point.

"I- fuck…" I trailed off again. Joe was right. I should go apologize to Nick for what I'd done, but I didn't want to, apologizing for something like this was so hard.

"Exactly." Joe nodded. "If he's still upset by the time I wake up and get rid of my hangover tomorrow, I'm going to kill you. He's supposed to be happy, not depressed.

"I know…" I sighed. If Nick was this distraught by the time the killer hangover that I knew he would have in the morning disappeared then I deserved to be pulverized by his wrath…hell, I probably deserved it now.

"I'm not fucking around here Kevin, you've gotten on my last nerve." Joe shot a warning glance at me and left the room with Aileen.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, Jesus Christ hellfire god damnit shit fucking bitch motherfucker!" I wanted to scream the words, but Frankie was in the house and I didn't need another person scolding me, so I didn't. I said them quietly, but angrily. Apologizing to Nick, that's what I had to do and that's what I was gonna do, no matter how hard it was or how much it hurt…on second though, maybe not. I was already in bed, why not just stay here and talk to Nick in the morning? Because if I didn't do it now, I wouldn't do it at all. I sighed and pulled myself off of the bed. I slowly made my way to Nick's room and made sure that no one was watching before knocked. "Nick?" I called softly. "Nick, I'm sorry." Was that enough? Had he heard me? Could I go to bed now? No. I had to apologize to him face to face. "Nick, can I come in?"