John Lupin's Funeral, 1979

Sirius watched Remus from a few seats behind, comforting his mother and aunt with soothing touches. Remus wasn't speaking much; Sirius doubted he knew what to say anyway, but there were occasions when Sirius saw his lips form 'it's okay' and 'I'm sorry' but mostly, 'I'm here'.

Delilah Lupin seemed to have taken her husband's death the hardest among all the Lupins. She had been crying since the start of the funeral (perhaps before, Sirius couldn't tell), only quieting down slightly when Remus had had wordlessly gotten up from his seat beside Sirius and sat with her instead.

He never let her touch him.

'I should notify you, Mr. Black, Remus might have Post Traumatic Stress. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but the way he reacted to-' Healer Greene shook his head. 'He might need help, I can't tell yet.'

Sirius looked at Healer Greene, obvious confusion in his eyes. 'I'm not sure I understand'

'Well, he's probably going to react a bit violently to anything that reminds him of last night's events. It can be anything – a wand, maybe certain pictures or situations, even touch.'

'Touch?'

Healer Greene nodded solemnly. 'When I was taking his pulse…I don't think you noticed, but he was having quite a breakdown in there.'

No, Sirius hadn't noticed it at all.

'It might be only strangers or people he's not familiar with, like me or maybe a Medi-witch. He might not react to you or any of his other friends, his mother. I can't tell yet…we'll have to just watch and see.'

Sirius nodded as if he understood, but his brain was suddenly feeling overwhelmed. 'What do you suggest I do?'

Healer Greene looked thoughtful for a moment. 'He might want to be in charge of particular things to feel in control – let him. Show him he can trust you.' The frown lines of his forehead grew deeper. 'Try to introduce him to crowded or public places little by little, until he feels safe amongst them. If the trauma is mild, he'll have healed by himself. If not, you might have to bring him back here.'

'He's so brave,' Peter said suddenly, breaking Sirius out of his reverie.

Both Sirius and James turned to look at Peter, who was still gazing at Remus in awe and an expression that Sirius thought looked a lot like guilt. Or maybe it was pity. Sirius couldn't really tell that well when it came to his small friend.

Peter turned away. 'I mean, if it had been me, I would have completely broken down. I-I wouldn't have been able to stand there like that…'

Sirius looked down at his shoes, staring fixedly at the smidgeon of dirt on the side.

Remus was brave, the bravest person he knew. After he'd heard the news of his father's death, Remus hadn't cried a single tear. It was worrying at first, the silent shock that he'd gone through; the expressionless face that had settled for nearly four hours. Yet, once his mother and aunt had come down to visit, Remus had recovered and immediately started to take charge of the situation; insisting on being let out of the hospital to start arranging for the funeral. When the Marauders had offered their help, he had refused and taking the doctor's advice, they had let him handle it on his own.

Lily thought it was because Remus needed a sort of closure. James thought it was because Remus blamed himself for the situation. Peter thought Remus was some kind of hero to have survived with sound mind and body. Sirius? Sirius didn't know what to think; mostly, he thought Remus was unpredictable.

'He doing what he thinks he has to,' James said slowly, watching Remus through the corner of his eyes with a mixture of sympathy and respect. 'His aunt and mother…they can't do anything, not right now…so he took charge…'

After the conversation with Healer Greene, Sirius had, if possible, even become more observant of Remus. Up until then, he had never noticed how Remus had reacted to the people around them or to anything in particular. He'd been too concerned with Remus's calm and wary of his lack of significant reaction.

Remus didn't have a problem with crowds in general, nothing that Sirius could see at least. He was himself mostly; perhaps a little quieter. He didn't talk unless he needed to. However, Sirius had noted that, yes, Remus didn't like being touched. He'd noticed how Remus's breathing had sped up when James had pulled him in for a hug; how his eyes had shifted as if trying to find a form of escape when his mother had come too close; how his had fists clenched and unclenched as if battling with himself on whether he should attack or not when Peter had clapped him on the back sympathetically. His reactions were so apparent that Sirius was surprised he hadn't noticed them before.

Yet, when Sirius had unthinkingly stroked Remus's hair and pulled him into a light embrace, Remus hadn't acted out of the ordinary at all.

'Will Remus be staying with his mother tonight?' asked James, trying to bring the conversation to a lighter tone.

Sirius shrugged. 'Can't tell. We haven't really talked about it.'

James sighed. 'Has he talked at all?'

Sirius swallowed. 'Not from the usual pleasantries, no, but Greene said it's not shock or anything. He's choosing not to talk because he doesn't want to.'

'Is that any better?'

'No.'

It took a lot of thinking for Sirius to finally figure out why he was the only person Remus didn't react adversely to.

Remus could feel him.

Remus knew when Sirius was coming; knew when Sirius was in the room; knew when Sirius was going to touch him. It was something Sirius had never been able to fully understand, and Remus had never been able to explain. It was just a special sort of bond they shared, something sacred, if you wanted to be romantic about it

Sirius didn't tell the others about it. Somehow, he doubted they'd be able to understand either.

They heard the dull clunking of Moody's wooden foot, before his voice. 'Potter, Black,' he growled from behind them. He looked around suspiciously before leaning down closer to their ears. 'I need men at the site.'

'We'll report tomorrow morning.'

'That's very generous of you, Potter, but I need you now.'

'No,' both James and Sirius chorused. 'Remus needs-'

'-this investigation to be thorough,' finished Moody with an irritated growl. 'Greyback isn't going to stop after this one attack, especially now that he's with Voldemort. We need to prove he's guilty, and we need to do it as quick as we can, am I understood?'

'What, the large bite wound and saliva on Remus's shoulder isn't proof enough?' Sirius retorted angrily. 'What does the Ministry want, Greyback to fucking come and confess to it?'

'That excuse didn't work twelve years ago, you think it will now, Black?' Moody snarled. 'As far as the Ministry's concerned, there's been no harm done. Remus was already a werewolf. He got another bite, so what?'

Peter seemed to have finally found his voice in the argument. 'B-but Mr. L-Lupin…' he stuttered, as if not sure he wanted to argue with Moody.

'A casualty.' Moody sighed and sat beside them, his face contorting to what was probably an attempt to look sympathetic. 'Look, I won't lie to you. The Ministry's well aware that Greyback attacks once in a while, and they let him because he keeps the worst of them at bay. You can call it a symbiotic relationship, if you will.'

'I'll call it corruption, if you don't mind,' spat James.

'They sent a squad up at the site last night of two people. Two fucking people; just to make a show of it and make it to Prophet Headlines. I was there supervising, and I saw how much effort they put into it. Which is why, I'm asking you to come over now, while the muggle police still has the place secured for the Ministry.'

'Take someone else, we're not coming.'

'This is an Order mission and trust me, Black, there are many who are much more qualified than you that I'd rather take. But only a few who have an Auror's license to get in through the bars. The Prewetts are already there.'

James and Sirius met each other's gaze, communicating silently through their eyes.

'Then I'll stay,' said James finally. 'Sirius can go along.'

Moody's blue eye rolled in his socket dangerously. 'Use your brain, Potter. You were the only one actually there when the incident happened.'

Sirius stood up. 'This isn't fair! You're deliberately-'

'I'm doing it for your own good!'

For awhile, it seemed Sirius, James, and Moody were engaged in a staring competition as they glared at each other angrily. Sirius's lips had gone thin and white with rage, while James's fists curled up into a tight ball as if ready for a fight if needed. Neither noticed the outraged looks they were getting from the people around them for disrespecting the Priest.

Finally, Peter broke the silence. 'I'll be here. If he needs anything, and Lily's here too…'

Sirius smiled weakly. 'You sure?'

Peter shrugged. 'Moony's my mate too, you know.'

Sirius nodded, still a little hesitant. 'Yeah, I guess. Just…if I don't show up by seven, take him home for me, okay? And don't let him do any magic; if he has a panic attack or something, just give him some space and he'll calm down. And don't leave him alone, stay with him until I come back, watch the telly or something. And if he asks about me, tell him I'll be back, and-'

Peter's put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'He'll be fine, Padfoot.'

Sirius nodded. 'Right. Of course he will. Thanks, mate.'

Peter never kept his word; he'd had other pressing matters to attend to. He'd stayed for a few extra minutes, only until the Priest had finished his prayer and then left the entire responsibility to Lily with an excuse of having an urgent and unexpected call to attend to.

It wasn't far from the truth. Greyback was a very influential asset, and losing him would be a major drawback that would not be appreciated.

Yet, he couldn't help feeling guilty about the whole affair. He hadn't meant for anyone to get hurt, especially not Remus, who had been a faithful and helpful friend to Peter all his life. He'd never wanted Remus's father to die, he hadn't wanted either of his friends to get involved in any of this; but what choice did he have.

The Dark Lord never took 'no' for an answer. Peter had learnt that from Regulus Black.

XxxxX

'John Lupin will continue to live in our hearts. May his soul rest in peace. Amen.'

Remus stared at the priest in a sort of trance, the words of praise and prayers echoing in his mind. He wondered how the man could go on about how great and brave and wonderful his father was when he had no idea. When he had never met his father or gotten the chance to know him, not like Remus had.

Remus knew and all he wanted to do was to hurl his chair at the priest's head because no one talked about his father like he was just another fucking dead body, just another funeral to conduct.

Despite his violent thoughts, Remus remained passive, sighing heavily when there were twin sobs from his mother and Lily Evans on either side of him.

Lily – the only member of the Marauders who seemed to have stayed, hadn't stopped tailing him since they'd all left and while he appreciated the gesture, he wished she would leave him alone. She cared too much for him and right now, he didn't want it. Didn't want so many eyes looking at him with pity, didn't want all their friends and relatives coming up to him and telling him how much like his father he looked, and he especially didn't need his friends tailing him like he was a child who couldn't handle what was being thrown at him.

He could, he could; he was too numb inside to feel anything anyway. He wasn't a child. He could handle this. He could take care of himself and his family without any help. He could fucking deal with this, and he didn't need any fucking pity from anyone

Remus got up from his chair abruptly, his shaking hands digging into his coat pockets for a fag and lighter.

Lily noticed his movement immediately, made to grab his hand but stopped midway. 'Remus, where are you-?'

Remus popped the fag in his mouth and forced himself to smile. Lily nodded, biting her lip unsurely, and Remus took it as a cue to leave without her following him. He was glad Lily was sensitive enough to understand that Remus just needed a little time alone and a few sticks of nicotine before he could finish this funeral.

He was going to be fine. She, of all people, should know that.

He chose the most desolate place he could find – an old, gnarled tree behind the church that seemed unnaturally green, with occasional pink blossoms peeking out from between its leaves. He leaned against it heavily, panting slightly from the effort of walking the whole way and cursing his weakness.

It was normal, the Healer had said, for him to be wearing out quickly now and that he'd have to tone down his activities a bit until he regained his lost magic. It was aggravating to be so helpless. It made him anxious and frail and angry when Sirius refused him a new wand until he deemed Remus better. He didn't like this; this vulnerability that he felt. What if they came back? What if Greyback wanted to finish the job? What would Remus do then?

Remus shook his head violently in an attempt to banish his thoughts. Sirius had assured him that everything was safe, that he was safe. James had told him they were there for him, even Peter had. They were right of course, they always were; and hadn't they always looked after Remus's well being? Remus would just have to trust them and that wasn't too hard, was it?

Closing his eyes, he inhaled the heavy scent of smoke, trying to lose himself to nicotine. As if by magic, he could feel the heat in his blood cooling, his mind relaxing, his worries slipping to the back of his mind. He'd been aching for a fag since the morning but had resisted in order to stay with his mother, who hated the smell.

It was when he was about to take a second drag that he felt the unexpected slap on his face. His eyes snapped open, and his cigarette fell from his mouth, both from the impact and surprise.

'YOU FILTHY LITTLE BEAST!!!'

Remus's eyes met, for the first time in twelve years, with his grandfather - Christian Lupin's.

'You've finally done it, haven't you? You finally killed my son!'

Christian Lupin looked nothing like the handsome man Remus remembered from when he was a child. Old age had obviously caught up with him, settling themselves in the heavy wrinkles around his eyes and the sags of his skin. His bright amber eyes – the only trait that had passed on to the next generation of Lupins, were now dark with rage as he looked fiercely at Remus.

'Does it make you happy, you fucking murderer? Did it satisfy your bloodlust?'

The second slap was just as startling as the first, and Remus reeled backwards from the impact of it, only the tree behind him preventing him from falling.

A slight hint of panic rose in his throat as his grandfather moved closer to him, invading his personal space and blocking any means of escape there might have been. The man looked murderous, his eyes now boring down on Remus like a predator. Remus's hands moved behind him, searching for a stick, any kind of weapon, but found only air and rough bark.

'I told him! The day he brought you in from the fucking hospital, I told him to put you down, but he never listens! He never listens to me!'

He shook Remus's shoulders with every word, fingers digging painfully into his skin. Remus could feel his throat tightening, his heart hammering warning signals against his chest. Get out, get out, get out, get out. He opened his mouth to scream, to call out for help, anything, but all he managed was a whimper. There was no one around to save him; the gardens were empty save for Remus and his grandfather.

'He chose you over me! Broke off all ties! For you, you animal, for you!'

Christian Lupin's face loomed in front of his, distorting; the colours and contours of his were face mixing, until all Remus could see were masks that looked liked white skulls and eyes that no longer shone.

Remus closed his eyes, tears threatening to fall. They weren't there, he told himself, they weren't there, it was nothing, they weren't there. He was safe. He was safe.

But then, the hands on his shoulders moved to his neck and pressed down hard at the pulse points, and Remus's mouth dropped open in a silent scream for air. His eyes opened on their own accord; trees dissolved to dim lampposts, grass became concrete, and amber eyes became blood red and then, all Remus could see were flashes of red light aimed at them and Greyback's soundless laughter.

He was trapped, trapped all over again, and he was going to let his father die again. Not again, not again.

'He wanted to have a child, he wanted to marry a muggle – I never said anything! He never bothered consulting me, but I never protested, not once! But taking you was too far, but he didn't listen! And now look at him! He's dead, you killed him. He's dead because of you!'

Remus's body had gone slack from the lack of oxygen, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. He welcomed the darkness that was threatening to fall; it was better than watching history repeat itself, better than watching his father dying again and again and not being able to do anything about it. He didn't bother struggling against the hands on his neck anymore, his mind in turmoil and his body too exhausted to put up much of a fight

He was going to die in front of the church, in his father's funeral. How ironic.

'GET OFF HIM!'

Only inches from passing out, Remus felt those hands being wrenched off him and he gasped, taking in lungfuls of air. It felt like a relief to be finally able to breathe again, and he clung on to the protruding roots of the tree for support as he slumped to the ground. The world was spinning around him and as his world fell slightly back to focus, he saw his aunt and grandfather locked in a restraining embrace. He hadn't known Aunt Nash to be this strong, yet she was holding her father off of Remus pretty well.

'WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO COME HERE?' screamed Aunt Nash, pushing Christian away from her.

'JOHN WAS MY SON!' Christian retorted, his eyes shining oddly bright. He didn't try to come near Remus anymore, but he was looking at his grandson with disgust and hatred. 'I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE!'

'You remember your son after he's fucking dead! Congrats, dad, you're the epitome of parenting!'

'I always tried to do what's best for all of you, always!'

Aunt Nash snorted. 'Yes, of course, abandon your son for twelve years and then when you finally return, you try to kill your grandson! Thanks a whole fucking lot, dad.'

'That beast killed your brother!'

'You will not refer to him as a-'

'I'll kill him! I'll kill him!'

Natasha suddenly launched herself in front of Remus, even though a part of her knew that her father was too weak minded to try anything. 'You put a finger on him, dad,' she warned, 'one finger, and I swear I won't hesitate.'

Christian shook his head dejectedly, suddenly leaning more on his cane than he'd started out. 'He doesn't care about what happened, Natasha. I watched him, I watched him all throughout the funeral. Not a single tear, not a single expression of sorrow or remorse…he doesn't care.'

'Please go, dad.'

'And he looks like him. He looks like him when he doesn't even deserve to. He has no right to steal his face, to steal his name, to steal his love…'

Nash looked away from him, her eyes focusing on Remus's hands which had gone white from gripping the roots so hard. 'Just go, dad, I'm begging you. Please, just go home, just get away from us.'

Nash didn't bother to see whether her father had heeded to her pleas or not. Instead, she kneeled in front of Remus, whose breathing had finally come back to normal. 'Remoo, sweetheart, you okay?' She reached out a hand to touch his cheek but stopped when she saw Remus flinch.

Remus nodded. 'I want to go home…'

Nash looked at him, worrying her lower lip with her teeth. 'Are you sure you don't want to come back with me and your mother to the cottage.'

'Please…'

'Okay.'

And before Remus could even blink, Nash had grabbed his wrist and apparated to the bedroom of their flat, letting go of him so quickly that he didn't even register her touch. Remus stumbled a little, feeling for the lights and switching them on.'

'I'll just go back and send Lily over. She'll be worried about you.'

Remus shook his head, sitting down on the bed. 'Don't send Lily, please. I don't want…just tell her I'll be fine.'

'I don't think that's wise, Remus. You might-'

Remus massaged his temples. 'I'll be fine, Aunt Nash, I promise. I won't do any magic or anything. I just need to lie down a bit, and I'm just going to feel uncomfortable if I have someone watching over me while I sleep.'

It was only when Remus laid down on the bed and pulled the covers up to his waist that Nash was convinced enough to leave him alone. She adjusted the blankets and tucked them under his chin, being uncharacteristically mothering.

'You take care, you hear?'

Remus didn't say anything, burying himself into the deep recesses of his pillow.

'I love you, Remus. Your father loved you, remember that.'

She disapparated, leaving Remus in a too big bed and a too cold apartment. He closed his eyes tightly and breathed deeply, willing for the sleep to come. He turned to his back, trying to find a comfortable position and then settled down to his side again; but the back of his eyes itched and he finally conceded to the urge to keep them open. He couldn't sleep, it was only seven o'clock. He and Sirius never slept this early. A lot of the times, he'd have work up until eight in the evening.

The restlessness he felt finally got to be too much, and he flung the covers of himself as he got off the bed. He'd take a warm bath, with those perfumed therapeutic bath salts that Lily had gotten them for Christmas. Sirius had discarded them somewhere in the cabinet, probably on the shelf where they kept all their useless things like used bits of floss or that weird plastic duck they'd found in Remus's suitcase.

Remus shed his clothes as he walked into their bathroom, leaving a trail of socks, shirt, and trouser along the way. His bare body shivered against the cool air and suddenly, the need to feel hot water against his skin, to wash away all the dirt, the hurt, the insults that had been thrown at him and lodged deep in the crevices of his skin, was overwhelming.

He didn't bother with the bathroom switches, the lamp in their bedroom cast just the right amount of light, reflecting off the tiles in a dim glow.

Remus turned the taps, testing the waters with his hand before twisting them to full blast and letting the tub fill. Even the gentle splashing of the water against white ceramic felt soothing to Remus's tense muscles, and he found himself smiling slightly as he turned towards the sink to start his quest for Lily's bath salts.

That's when he caught his reflection in the mirror.

He stared at it and it stared back with eyes that looked too hollow and empty to be human. Yet, those eyes were moving and perceptive; it scanned every inch of his face – the long slope of his nose, the light brown hair that lay past his shoulders, the prominent chin, the dimples just waiting to appear on either side of his cheeks…

You remind me so much of him…

If he smiled, just a little, and pretended that his eyes were blue instead of amber, then Remus could see his father, looking at him, loving him, smiling at him like everything was going to be fine.

It feels just like I'm standing in front of John. You look exactly like him.

The smile fell and suddenly it contorted into a silent scream, eyes bulging wide, head flailing madly from side to side, hair whipping cruelly against his face. Remus could make out the words his mouth was forming. It was his name, again and again: Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus…

You don't deserve to look like him!

Remus…

His father was asking for help now and suddenly, Remus launched himself at the mirror, clawing at the edges in an attempt to pull it out and make it shut up. It wasn't real, he knew that, but he wanted it gone; he didn't want this mirror in front of him anymore, not while it showed images of his father screaming, crying out for help. His father was dead. His father was dead.

He's dead, you killed him, he's dead because of you!'

The sharp corners dug deep into the skin beneath his fingernails, sending trickles of blood down the plane, but Remus couldn't be bothered by it. He wanted the mirror out, and he pulled even harder, using his own body as leverage. Finally, the mirror split into two, right down the middle, falling to the sink and shattering into smaller pieces. The edges of the mirror remained intact and still held by glue, but the most of it was gone. It was finally gone.

Numbly, Remus stared at his hands - at the cuts on each of his fingers. They didn't really hurt. They weren't even deep, almost like paper cuts; but there was blood staining the skin around them and Remus dipped them into the tub to wash it away.

The water was warm, and Remus found himself unconsciously turning off the taps before the tub threatened to overflow. Slowly, he climbed inside.

XxxxX

'Moony, I'm home!'

Sirius toed of his shoes as he locked the door behind him. He hoped he wasn't too late and that Remus hadn't fallen asleep angry with him. Moody had been pissed at him the entire evening, yelling at him and just short of thwacking him on the head. James had done most of Sirius's work for him anyway, even though Sirius was sure he was just as worried and finding it just as hard to concentrate.

'Moony? You asleep, mate?'

Their bedroom lamp seemed to be switched on but when Sirius peeked inside, the bed was empty. He frowned. The sheets were rumpled as if they'd been slept in, which meant that Remus had probably just gotten up for a piss or a glass of water. He tended to do that sometimes – wander around in the dark out of sheer memory.

Sirius shucked off his coat and socks, sitting on the bed for a while and waiting for Remus to come out of the bathroom. He needed a good piss himself; Ministry loos weren't exactly top notch, and Sirius couldn't bloody well go about door to door asking to use their bathroom during site investigation.

Finally, when the wait for his turn seemed too long for Sirius, he decided to screw respect and privacy and just walk into the bathroom. It wasn't like they'd never seen each other's bits or anything, and Remus could well do with a little unwind-

'What the fuck?'

Sirius nearly had a heart attack when he switched on the bathroom lights.

Remus was there, but he wasn't taking a piss at all, but sitting in the tub with his knees drawn up to his chest and hands wrapped protectively around himself, as he shivered with what could only be cold. He was crouched so low, that the water level came up to the base of his neck, which was a feat for someone as tall as Remus.

'Shit, what the fuck?' Sirius grabbed a large towel from the railing before hurrying over to the tub. However, as soon as he touched the water to help Remus up, his hand recoiled reflexively. 'God, this water's freezing, Moony! How long have you been sitting here?' He nudged Remus's shoulder lightly. 'Come on, get out of there. Gods, I swear, you nearly killed me there. Come on, you're shaking.'

Remus blinked rapidly at Sirius's touch and finally looked at him, as if only realising that Sirius was there, as if not having heard Sirius yelling his name for the past ten minutes. 'Padfoot?'

'Yeah, it's me, Moony. Come on; let's get you warm, okay. Merlin, I'm going to kill Wormtail for this, I swear it.'

Remus let himself be hauled out of the water (which Sirius noticed, seemed to be tinged pink), and Sirius tried not to worry about how weightless he felt as he wrapped the towel around Remus's thin frame. He didn't even notice the shattered mirror, as he half carried Remus back to their bedroom.

'I told him not to leave you alone. If I hadn't been here, if I hadn't come home early…' Sirius sat Remus on the bed, as he towel dried the werewolf's body and hair. 'What were you trying to do, Moony?' He cast a final drying spell before rummaging in the cupboard for a pair of clean pyjamas for Remus to put on. 'Merlin, you really scared me.'

Remus didn't respond, lifting his legs robotically as Sirius helped him into his pyjama bottoms. It was like Sirius wasn't even there in the room. He might as well have been speaking to the walls and they would probably show more reaction.

Sirius cupped Remus's face gently between his hands. 'Why would you do something so stupid, Remus? You could have called me. I would have come. If you needed help, I would have come running, you know that.'

Remus didn't look up from the ground but lightly covered Sirius's hands with his own, and only then did Sirius notice the deep maroon cuts on the tip of Remus's fingers. They'd already scabbed, but they weren't exactly Sirius's main concern as his eyes traveled lower to Remus's neck, where there were large finger bruises on either side. Sirius traced them with his hand, stopping when Remus winced in pain.

'Who did these to you, Moony?' Sirius found his voice rising in anger. 'Who did this to you? I swear I'll kill them, I swear-'

Remus looked up, silencing Sirius with his sombre expression. 'My grandfather was there,' he said softly, barely above a whisper.

Sirius blinked in surprise. 'Christian Lupin?'

'He was really angry, Padfoot, but I didn't do anything,' Remus whispered a little helplessly, even desperately. 'I didn't do anything to make him angry. I really didn't.'

Sirius squeezed Remus's hands tightly, entwining their fingers together. 'I told Wormtail to take care of you, I told him to be with you at all times, When I get my hands on that dirty rat-' He healed all of Remus's wounds with an angry swish of his wand. 'He won't live to see the day!'

Remus looked down at his feet, biting his lower lip into shreds, but Sirius was too angry to notice.

'Fucking rat! I bet he didn't even tell Lily!' Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair. 'And you, Remus, you of all people! What were you fucking thinking, huh? Was it too difficult to just give me a damn call? You could have bled really badly; you could have died of hypothermia, anything could have happened!'

Sirius was so lost in his own tirade that hadn't it been for the inhuman wail, he would have never noticed Remus sliding to the ground.

'I'm sorry!' Remus cried out suddenly, looking at Sirius with bright amber eyes. 'I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!'

Sirius, shocked by Remus's outbreak, felt his jaw drop, and he watched in horror as fat tears cascaded down Remus's pale cheeks. Oh God, Remus was crying, his mind numbly supplied.

'I didn't want him to die, I swear!' Remus cried out, clutching the foot of Sirius's trousers. 'I didn't want to, but they killed him! I tried, I tried, but they wouldn't listen, they wouldn't!'

Sirius looked at Remus with wide eyes. 'Remus, I know you didn't-'

'I watched them, I watched them kill him. I watched him dying, nd I couldn't do anything. They wouldn't let me do anything!!!'

Sirius fell to his knees in front of Remus, finally having found his voice and coherent thought. 'Its okay, Remus. It's not your fault…' Sirius reached out for Remus, but the werewolf shied away from his touch, pressing his back firmly to the bed.

'They wanted me to join, and I would have. I would have done anything, but dad didn't let me. He didn't let me, but I need him back, Sirius. I'll do anything, I promise…'

Sirius felt something rise up in his throat, and he looked firmly at a spot on the floor in an attempt to avoid Remus's tear filled eyes. Somehow, watching the strongest person he knew break down was disconcerting, but Sirius couldn't block out the sounds of Remus sobbing, and it literally hurt to hear it. 'Listen to me, Remus; they would have killed him anyway. It's not your fault; nothing you could have done would have stopped them. You father died the way he wanted to…'

'MY FATHER DIDN'T WANT TO DIE!!!' Remus screamed suddenly, pulling the sheets off the bed in anger. 'My father wasn't supposed to die for a hundred more years!!! They killed him!!!'

'Remus, I'm sorry,' whispered Sirius, trying his best to calm his friend down. 'I really am, but…' He didn't know what else to say, so he stroked Remus's cheek comfortingly.

'DON'T TOUCH ME!' Sirius's eyes widened in shock as Remus pushed his hand away forcefully. 'Don't touch me!'

'Remus, it's just me…' said Sirius softly, almost as if he were trying to calm down an angry animal. 'It's me, okay. It's Sirius.' He moved closer but was suddenly sent sprawling across the floor from the unexpectedness of Remus's push.

'Don't come near me! I'll kill you! They'll kill you if you come!!!'

'They won't do anything,' tried Sirius again, inching closer inconspicuously. 'It's okay…I'm here for you. They can't hurt you. They can't hurt me.' He slowly reached out for Remus's shoulder with the intention of pulling him into a comforting embrace. 'Come on…'

Sirius had hardly touched him when Remus broke out into a horrified scream. It sounded like someone was performing the Cruciatus on him, and Sirius had the right presence of mind to move away quickly and cast an effective silencing charm around the room before the neighbours started knocking.

'I'm gone! Remus, I'm gone! I won't touch you!' cried Sirius desperately, very near tears himself. Remus couldn't stand to be touched by him. Remus didn't even want Sirius close to him, and it felt like an iron fist clenching around his heart. Remus was scared of him.

No, Remus was scared for him.

Remus's piercing screams finally turned to hysterical sobs, as he cried and hiccupped like an infant. He kept muttering things to himself with his eyes shut tightly, too low for Sirius to hear. Remus's hands were fisted in his light brown hair, pulling as if wanting to tear them out of his head, and Sirius ached to take him into his arms and stop him before he did anything too drastic.

Sirius had even considered stunning Remus but dismissed the idea immediately and instead, watched helplessly as his best friend and lover tore himself apart. He sat in the corner of the room, watching as Remus slowly grew tired, as his sobs turned to silent tears, as his tense muscles slowly gave away and finally, as his swollen red eyes miraculously closed.

It was the hardest thing Sirius had ever done his entire life.

When he was sure Remus's breathing had finally evened out, Sirius raised his wand and levitated him to the bed, even pulling the sheets up to his friend's chin with magic. He didn't dare touch Remus in fear of him waking up.

Once he'd gotten Remus settled to the centre of the bed, Sirius summoned his own pillow and a few extra sheets from the cupboard, which he laid on the ground as a makeshift bed. It was uncomfortable and hard, but Sirius never really had the intention of sleeping anyway. He needed to take care of Remus; he needed to make sure none of the events that had happened tonight ever got repeated again. He needed to make sure Remus was still breathing.

And he did.

For the longest time, Sirius did nothing but watch the slow rise and fall of Remus's chest, tensing every time his friend moved in his sleep or even frowned; but as the clock on their bedside table finally showed three AM, Sirius's exhaustion finally caught up with him, and he let himself drift off into a troubled slumber.

XxxxX

Author's note: Okay, so I know that is chapter is long overdue, but it's long! Thing is, while I had the whole idea in my head, I was having the hardest time actually putting everything in words; especially Remus's feeling towards everything. Anyway, I hope I've done it right, 'cause I'm feeling pretty nervous about it; and mostly, I hope you guys had a good read. Cheers, and don't forget to review!!!