"Nick?"
I could hear the words but I couldn't comprehend them, couldn't respond even if I wanted to. I felt a hand land on my shoulder and I knew it was Joe. The smell of Vodka on his breath made me sigh, I hadn't even drunk anything, but then again I just turned 18, not 21. With a loud sigh I heard emit from Joe, the hand have my shoulder a squeeze before I was once again left to my corner of tears.
How could he! How could he just kiss me like that? Oh right…he was trying to prove a point, of what, incestuous feelings? Or attraction? Or was it just an apology for missing two of the most important days of my young life…as my eyes began to burn from the tears I began to think of the kiss more and more. It was brief…yeah because of me. Because of my resentment I let my feelings get out of line…I was feeling more and more for Kevin over the years, that is until he began to act differently around me when I turned 16…I could have kissed Kevin until death…that's how much emotion I've been holding back over the year. I don't know anymore. I'm so confused…did Kevin…Did Kevin care about me in the same way? …Of course he does, why would he have kissed you like that if he hadn't shared those feelings as well…but what if he was just as confused as I was? As I am…
"Dammit." I sobbed into my arms as I began to debate cantankerously in my mind.
"This is fucking ridiculous!" I let out a cough, choking on my own brackish tears.
"Nick…?"
My sobs began to throttle back, trying to maintain calm as I quickly turned off my light, maybe he would thing I was asleep.
"Nick, I'm sorry."
So it was a gaffe…a mistake…
My heart began to dissolve into aching, smoldering tears I had been shedding. Kevin was apologizing for kissing me…or was it for everything…I wanted so badly to run up to the door, fling it open and throw my arms around his beautiful neck and kiss him like there's nothing else in the world. Like nothing else that mattered more to me that just him and me, together.
I bit back the pristine tears that crawled up, waiting to jump into a torrent.
"C-can I come in?"
He obviously had seen my light on previously, so that didn't work. I took a few deep breaths and wiped all the tears and trails away that I could without looking in the mirror. I crawled up onto my bed and laid on it as I heard the door begin to crack open. I hadn't answered, and I was guessing Kevin didn't know whether or not I did answer or not, but there he was, standing in front of the now closed door to my room.
It was all I could do not to breath out raggedly, my nervousness and anger still trying to outweigh each other.
"Nicky?"
"Don't call me that." I was trying to sound like I was just fine, but I wasn't, and it showed. My voice came out asphyxiated.
Kevin must have heard the tremble in my voice, because I could hear a slow shuffle and then the edge of my bed begin to sink.
"Nick I'm sorry."
"For what?" I began, not letting him answer before I continued. "For not being here for any major event that included me and my birthday? I mean I know it was only two…but then there was a few autograph signings and other small showings that you seemed to disappear off too, leaving me with those people…the girls are Joe's thing…I just…wanted to be there with someone else who didn't seem to absorb fan girl spot light, like you…like when we would just laugh and watch Joe almost get pulled off stage, or over a table…or fall over from the hugs…"
I began to feel the tears silently drip down my cheeks from my chocolate brown orbs…and I let out a shaky breath, waiting for Kevin to say something, but his back was still turned to me, my back was to his back, and I swear I could feel his heart beat quicken. Taking a small breath I continued.
"Or for kissing me…because there's nothing to be sorry for if you meant it the way I think you did…" My voice failed me slightly, as I said the next part. "You never tell me you love me anymore…am I that horrible…"
I felt his gaze…and the tears fell down with no sound, I didn't even sob this time…they just cascaded down my face.