1979, The Kennel…
'Alohomora!'
James and Lily entered the flat to find Sirius Black, still in yesterday's clothes, asleep on the couch at what had to be a very uncomfortable angle. The bedroom door on the right had been left wide open, and they could see Remus curled up on one side of the bed, his long brown hair shielding his face from view. Lily frowned disapprovingly and silently handed over her carry bag to James, before making her way to the couch and tucking Sirius's wayward blanket securely around him.
'The poor dear,' she whispered, more to herself than James as she pulled their friend's hand out from underneath him. 'Why doesn't he sleep in the spare room?'
James shrugged, opening the door to said room and quietly dumping both their bags inside. The second bedroom hadn't changed much since they last saw it, unlike the one Remus was currently asleep in. The bed covers hadn't been changed, the furniture had been unmoved, there were no picture frames on the walls that indicated a person actually living there, but mostly, there was a distinct lack of life which had been replaced by the musty smell of collecting dust.
'I think it's because you can't hear from one room to another; bathroom in the middle and all. The sofa's closer,' replied James, moving to sit beside his wife on the end of the couch.
Lily met James's eyes worriedly. 'I hope Remus is okay…'
It had been a little over a week since Sirius had flooed the Potters frantically, and told them about their friend's breakdown. A week since Sirius had nearly had a fit himself, and it was only James and Lily's presence in the house that had finally calmed him down and made him admit what he'd clearly been dreading for a very long time: Remus was not as brave as he appeared.
Their visit to the Kennel hadn't had any effect on Remus at all, who seemed to walk like the living dead, his mind occupied in a world of his own; moving in and out of his room as if unaware of the people around him. He didn't eat or drink until Sirius told him to, didn't seem to sleep until late at night, didn't talk, and avoided any sort of eye contact with anyone who attempted to talk to him. He didn't let either of them too close, even Sirius for a while, who clearly had the strongest bond with him. In fact, Remus had only started letting Sirius even sit beside him three days ago but still cringed from any sort of physical contact.
Lily, who had always pictured Sirius as a rebellious rogue, had been in awe to seem him preparing proper meals for Remus, monitoring him when he went in for a shower, even if it was from a distance (Sirius had mentioned something about broken mirrors that neither of them had quite understood), and even talking to him all day despite being met by deafening silence. Lily had watched in utter admiration of Sirius's courage, as their friend put aside the hurt he felt with each of Remus's rejections, pretending to be all right in front of them while tending to everyone's needs simultaneously. Sirius, it would seem, had grown up in a short span of one week.
But then again, Sirius had always been fiercely protective and loving of the people he truly cared about. James remembered the time when Sirius had hexed Lily with yellow pus pimples after James had taken her rejection harder than usual…
'What did Healer Greene say?' asked Lily, smoothing over the wrinkles on Sirius's blanket.
'Apparently, the breakdown's a good thing. Means Remus has come to terms with his father's death and what not. So, it's a matter of time before he gets back to his old self. '
Lily frowned thoughtfully. 'Do you think he's right? I mean, before this, Remus was acting almost normal. He talked to us and everything. Now, it's like he sees right through us or something.'
'I know,' James whispered, looking at his best friend's sleeping form. 'It's really killing him, Lily, it's killing the both of us. Padfoot's trying his best to help but nothing seems to be working. Moony…Remus is scared we'll hurt him or vice versa.'
Lily put a sympathetic arm around her boyfriend. 'I know, love; and we'll stay here for as long as it takes, okay?'
James nodded, squeezing her hand tightly.
'Peter should have come. He's always claiming to be so caught up in work. He hasn't visited Remus once since the funeral.'
'He's scared of being skinned alive. You know Padfoot's still mad at him for abandoning Moony like that.'
'It wasn't his fault...'
James shrugged. 'It is…in a way. He gave us a promise to take care of Moony, and Padfoot had trusted him with that responsibility. Rule number one: no matter what happens, the Marauders always comes first.'
Lily rolled her eyes. 'It could have been something serious, James. His mother could have been sick or something.'
'Was she?' James bit back. When Lily didn't reply, he replied with a tone of smug finality, 'Then there's no plausible reason for him to leave a friend like that. He's just going to have to wait until things cool down enough for Padfoot to forgive him.'
'James…'
They were saved from an impending argument by Sirius waking up and looking at them groggily, one hand rubbing his eye weakly as if to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.
'What are you doing here so early?'
Lily looked at him sympathetically. 'It's ten in the morning, love.'
Sirius groaned, burying his face in the pillow. 'Shit. Today's Monday. I'm going to miss work, and Moody will have my head for it.'
James grinned. 'That's what we're here for, mate.' When Sirius looked at him with a confused expression, he decided to explain a bit further. 'Well, since we're here most of the time anyway, Lily and I thought we could occupy that extra room of yours. At least until Remus gets better…'
Sirius's face lacked the relief and enthusiasm James had expected. 'I don't know, Prongs.'
'Look, this way, you can get to work and classes and we can take care of Moony. My next practice isn't until a week, and Lily's currently unemployed, so you might as well…'
'What if he needs me? What if he calls out for me and I'm not there?'
Lily laid a gentle hand over Sirius's. 'Love, Remus hasn't even looked at you for the past three days,' she stated bluntly.
The look of desperation and sorrow that passed over Sirius's face almost made Lily wish she hadn't said it. Yet, it was the truth, and someone had to break it to him if for his own good.
'I-I'm going to apply for a two month leave today, before Remus wakes up.'
'Sirius...'
Sirius shook his head. 'No, I-I won't be able to concentrate anyway, so I might as well.'
'Sirius,' James said, his tone suddenly low, 'if you take a two month leave, you'll be behind in auror training by an entire semester… '
Sirius shrugged. 'It doesn't matter. Plenty of people give their exams in November instead of June. No big deal. I'll just be graduating in two and a half years instead of just two.'
'Sirius, you know there's no need-'
Sirius stood up angrily, the blanket falling to the ground. 'No, James, there is a need, and I can't be bothered to explain it to you because you won't understand anyway. If you want, you're most welcome to stay and help.'
James grabbed Sirius by the wrist before he could walk away. 'Padfoot, I understand your concern, but you're being bloody irrational!'
Sirius snatched his hand away angrily. 'Don't you dare, James! Don't you dare tell me I'm being irrational! You weren't there when Remus broke down! You don't live with him every hour of ever day! You know nothing!'
'Oh please, give me a fucking break!' James yelled, higher than he intended to. 'You make it sound like you're the only one who cares about him! Well, news flash, Sirius: he's my best friend too!'
Sirius gritted his teeth. 'Remus is a lot more than a best friend to me, James. You, of all people, should know that.'
He apparated, rumpled clothes and all, and James and Lily watched dumbfounded at the empty space where Sirius had just been. 'Wow,' Lily finally whispered. 'He must really love Remus a lot…'
XxxxX
Sirius stared at the door where the words 'John Christian Lupin' and 'Adrian Thompson' were printed in big bold letters. He didn't know why he was doing this, not really. He'd come here to ask for a two month leave, and he'd gotten it. Moody had yelled at him for a while, but then let the matter go almost too quickly, leaving Sirius with plenty of time to go home. There was absolutely no need for him to venture into the DMLE; there was no need for him to enter Mr. Lupin's office and perhaps, even collect memorabilia for Remus or himself. Yet, he found himself unable to move from the front of Mr. Lupin's office door. So before he got any more suspicious stares from the people around him, Sirius took a deep breath and rapped his knuckles against the door. He didn't wait for an answer, instead inviting himself in before he lost the nerve and made a run for the opposite direction.
'Oh, it's you, Black,' Adrian Thompson didn't sound too surprised at Sirius's unexpected visit, and Sirius didn't pay him any heed either as he fast walked to Mr. Lupin's desk. Thompson, to his credit, must have sensed Sirius's need and didn't speak any further.
Mr. Lupin's desk was nothing out of the ordinary, but it was exactly how Sirius had imagined it would be – personalised. His table was neatly arranged and untouched, as if the attack hadn't happened at all. It was as if the Department was just waiting for when John would call off his sick leave and come back for work. There were stacks of papers that had been scribbled on in the sides, obviously something he'd been working on just before the Order meeting. There were little odds and ends scattered across the table, probably in an attempt to add a little décor to his side of the office; a glass paperweight, a badly and obviously hand made pen holder, a Quartz clock whose hands didn't seem to be moving, and few other things that Sirius guessed were probably muggle because they didn't seem very familiar.
He walked around the desk to take a closer look at the picture frames lined haphazardly on the wall. The oldest (Sirius could tell because the sticking charms had worn out on one side to make the frame tilt to the right), was one of what had to be undeniably Mr. and Mrs. Lupin when they were younger, barely fifteen, with their arms around each other. John's younger self would occasionally glance at Del adoringly, and Sirius wondered if they'd been dating back then. Remus had once mentioned that his parents had been neighbours long before they were lovers. The next pictures showed the years that had passed by – The Lupins getting married, various snapshots of Remus at different ages, Mr. Lupin and his friends playing poker, at a Quidditch match, in the office. Sirius recognised the more recent ones; the Marauders on graduation day along with their parents, the small party at the Potter's house, and Sirius felt his heart stop at the last one. It was a picture of him and Remus on their couch back at the flat; Sirius had his head on Remus's shoulder (sound asleep, judging from the way he was drooling all over his friend's shirt), and Remus himself was smiling widely at the camera and pulling at the ends of Sirius's hair every once in a while.
The picture must have been taken by Mrs. Lupin, because Sirius knew Remus would never display their relationship like that in front of his father. Sirius had always felt that perhaps Mr. Lupin had never been as accepting of him as his wife, but the picture here defied that belief and somehow, it caused a painful twang in Sirius's chest that hadn't been there during the funeral.
Sirius reached for the frame, his wand shaking in his right hand as he undid the sticking charm completely. His picture self snuffled a bit at the movement and snuggled deeper into Remus's shoulder.
'Should I leave the keys to you then, Black?'
Sirius jolted out of his thoughts, looking behind him to see Thompson watching him with a concerned expression. 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch you there…'
Thompson looked at the picture in Sirius's hands. 'D'you want to stay here…and I don't know, reminisce or somethin'? I've been called for a mission, but I can leave the keys to you if you want…'
Sirius stared at the rusty keys in Thompson's hands for a while, contemplating whether or not he should take up the offer. In the end, however, he simply shook his head; Remus would be awake by now. 'It's alright. I'm leaving anyway. Let me just collect a few of these things, okay?'
Thompson smiled and nodded. 'He was really one of the best partners I've ever had…'
Sirius smiled obligingly, turning over the box carton that had been lying underneath the table and emptying it of the paper inside.
'Damn brave when it came to missions. Half the staff right admired him.'
Sirius began pulling down all the frames at top speed, suddenly overwhelmed by the need to get out of the office and away from Thompson as fast as he could. He'd give most of these to Mrs. Lupin; he had a feeling she might want them, but the last one he'd keep.
'His son's 'bout your age, ain't he?' Thompson looked pointedly at one of the pictures of Remus as a child. 'I haven't seen him since the funeral. Gods, he looks 'xactly like John…'
Sirius vaguely wondered if any of the pictures gave away his and Remus's relationship. Were they incriminating or obvious enough? Perhaps not; given that Thomson wasn't standing there with a pitchfork in his hands. He hastily packed in the last of the items from the desk and sealed the box with a quick vertical swipe of his wand.
'How's he holdin' up?'
Sirius picked up the box and made his way to the door. 'He's alright.' He looked back at the office one last time, taking in the emptiness of Mr. Lupin's side of the room. 'Thank you, Thomson, I'll see you around.'
Sirius had meant to apparate back home immediately, he really had; but despite his mind being plagued by thoughts of Remus, he couldn't bring himself to go back. It was too much to bear; the silent treatment that Remus gave him, the complete abandonment he felt every time Remus looked right past him, the flinching whenever he tried to just touch him. His mind donated to his cause, stalling him and giving him reasons to procrastinate further and soon enough, he found himself in front of Mrs. Lupin's front door, flinching as the doorbell rang shrilly.
Even then, Sirius had only meant to drop of Mr. Lupin's things and apparate directly back home, but Mrs. Lupin had thanked him profusely and insisted he stay for lunch. Despite the blotchiness of her eyes, she hadn't shied away from Sirius or ignored him like Remus did. It was only when Mrs. Lupin had asked Sirius about Remus that he had truly begun to contemplate leaving. He'd lied to her about Remus being fine and had even gone to the lengths to assure her that he'd be visiting soon, and yes, Remus was very close to his dad, but she needn't worry too much. He'd quickly left after that, apparating back into the city and for some reason, walking most of the way home.
By the time he'd finally reached the flat, it was well past sun down, and Sirius felt an overwhelming guilt for having left Remus alone for so long. After all, he was to come back by noon…Remus might not have been expecting him, but it didn't mean that his friend didn't need him; and James and Lily didn't know anything about Remus or what to do when he was in a mood. It wasn't their fault; Sirius had just become accustomed to the werewolf's habits after living with him so long.
On entering, he found everyone sitting on the couch in front of the telly - James and Lily were at one end while Remus was on the other, surprisingly not sitting as far as Sirius had imagined he would. Sirius could tell by the occasional bursts of laughter from the television that there was a comedy show on, but anyone could have been easily fooled by the sombre and in Remus's case, empty expressions on each of their faces. Both James and Lily would take turns to surreptitiously glance at Remus before turning back their attention to the screen, and Sirius suddenly felt ashamed of himself for having shouted at James in the morning.
'Hey,' Sirius tried to sound cheerful, 'sorry if I'm a little late. I guess I got caught up a bit…' He noticed Remus glancing up at him and for a minute his heart soared, expecting a small smile or worrying frown. Any sign that Remus had missed him, had needed him, or didn't approve of his behaviour. Nothing came, and after a while, Sirius broke eye contact, fishing in his pocket for the picture frame and placing it on the coffee table face down.
Lily smiled at him a little too merrily. 'Its okay, Sirius. We were just about to start dinner. I made pasta.'
Dinner had admittedly cheered Sirius up quite a bit. There was a carefree, familiar banter between him and James, with Lily occasionally calling them immature gits, and Sirius was confident that even Remus had smiled slightly when James had catapulted a spoonful of pasta into Sirius's mouth. They'd had chocolate ice cream for dessert – Remus's favourite – and even watched Lily's ridiculous and plot-less soaps (which Sirius secretly had a liking towards). Things had felt so close to normal for after what seemed like such a long time that Sirius's stomach dropped liked a stone when James had yawned and declared that it was time for bed, and that Sirius and Remus could use the loo first if they wanted.
Another sleepless night on the sofa, another sleepless night waiting for Remus to cry out in his sleep; another sleepless night of watching helplessly as Remus tore himself apart as he relived the attack again and again in his dreams; another sleepless night of not having Remus's warm arms around him, caressing him, loving him. Sirius wondered how long it would take for him to finally snap and march back to Mungo's, demanding for an immediate cure. More than that, he wondered when Remus would go back to himself, the person that all of them adored and cared about. It wasn't that Sirius wanted him any less; God knows his heart ached to just be able to come near him, but it was emotionally toiling to watch someone you cared about so much do that to himself.
'Padfoot?'
Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Remus's voice call out of his name. He picked up the spare blanket he'd dropped in surprise and looked at Remus who was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back turned to him.
'Moony?'
Remus was sitting so still that Sirius was sure that he'd imagined his friend calling for him. His mind was playing games with him after an entire week of unbearable silence, making him hear things. Yet, he braved beside Remus, slipping the blanket in his hands over the man's shoulders without actually touching him. Remus only shivered in response and pulled the blanket tighter over himself.
'Go to sleep, Moony. It's been a long day.'
Sirius literally heard Remus swallow as he looked down at his bare feet. 'I'm sorry,' he whispered, 'I'm so sorry. I've been just horrible to you all these days. I'm sorry.'
Remus looked up at him with a broken expression, and Sirius found his throat tightening. 'You shouldn't be apologising, Moony. It's not your fault; you just needed a little time…' Sirius ventured to sit beside Remus and moved a little closer when his friend neither flinched nor moved away from him.
'I-I'm sorry I made you worry. I didn't mean to. Dad wouldn't have liked it. He would have told me to keep my chin up; stiff upper lip and all…'
Sirius sighed and shook his head. 'You're allowed to shed a few tears over your father's death, Remus. God knows anyone would have…'
Remus chuckled bitterly. 'I remember…I remember when I was little. Just after I got bitten, dad was having the hardest time, you know. He and Grandad had a fight, he got demoted, and we had to move away to a more muggle area. So he'd come back home once really angry, and he was shouting stuff about me that he really didn't mean, really hurtful stuff, and I sort of overheard.' Remus coughed a little, as if talking was proving to be more of a task for him than a basic function. 'I ran away then…'
Sirius's eyes widened and he curiously shifted a closer, making sure as to still keep a safe distance between them. 'You ran away? You never told me. Where to?'
Remus shrugged, his eyes still focused on his feet. 'I was only six and new in town. I got as far as the park and fell asleep on one of the benches there.'
Sirius couldn't help it; despite the situation, he laughed. He laughed perhaps, a little louder than he ought to; the tale wasn't that funny, but it felt so good to laugh again that he didn't really mind. It felt even better when Remus joined in, though not as noisily and by the time they were done, Remus was looking at him with a smile on his face – the smile that Sirius had missed so terribly.
'So, what happened then? You went back?'
Remus laughed. 'No, dad found me and we had this big wrestling match. I refused to go, and he basically grabbed me by the collar and hauled me back home. Mum kicked him out of the bedroom for getting me so upset and making her have a hernia when she didn't find me in my bed, so he spent the night in my room. He didn't like the couch much.'
Sirius found himself laughing till he had tears in his eyes. Gods, how he'd missed this; this casual easy conversation between them, Remus's sarcastic and well timed humour, his ability to make the most ridiculous of stories interesting. 'So, did he apologise?'
'Not in those words, no. I refused to talk to him, so he badgered me instead…all night...he tried to bribe me with toys…and said these awful, awful jokes' Remus turned to Sirius, his eyes shining oddly in the lamplight. 'He never let me cry, you know. Not even once,' he whispered and as he looked away, a lone tear slid unbidden down his cheek.
'I don't think he'd want you to, even now…' Sirius replied softly, his arms aching to wrap themselves around Remus.
'I'll never know that, will I?' Remus asked bitterly. 'Sometimes, Sirius, sometimes I dream about them.' He sniffed, his eyes turning an intense, angry shade of amber as they bore into Sirius's. '…about killing them, in ways that they could have never imagined dying…'
'No, Remus-'Sirius tried but was cut off.
'I want them to know how it felt. I want them to pay for what they did, Sirius. Even if it takes me my whole life, I want revenge.'
'And you'll get it, Remus, I promise you, but not in the ways you think. You can't stoop down to their level, and you can't take so many of them alone…'
Remus's fists clenched tightly in his lap. 'Don't underestimate the power of the wolf, Padfoot.'
'I'm not, but Remus, you're only going to bring trouble on to yourself. Greyback's a wolf too, an older one and a stronger one. His slate is clean in the Ministry files, so killing him is only going to put you in Azkaban. We'll find another way to fight him, okay?'
Remus shook his head despairingly. 'He can hurt you, all of you, anyone. I can't st-'
Sirius clutched at the ends of Remus's blankets pleadingly. 'Promise me, Moony, promise me you won't go after him.'
'Sirius, he killed my father…'
'Your father didn't die for you to go get yourself killed in mad chase for revenge. Promise me, Remus, on my life.'
Remus bit his lip worryingly. 'I promise,' he whispered, 'for you, I promise.'
Sirius smiled, a warm fluttery feeling rising in his chest. 'Good, now get ready for bed. You need some sleep…' He stood up, albeit reluctantly, summoning another spare blanket from the cupboard with his wand. 'I'll be on the couch but if you need anything-'
'Sirius…'
Something about Remus's voice right then made Sirius stop. There were no hands holding him back, no restraints, but it was just the quality of his plea, the sudden feeling that something significant was going to happen that made him stay, unmoving from his position on the floor. Even the rest of his body had frozen (though he was yet to notice it), his eyes being the only part of him moving and following every movement as Remus slowly got off the bed and stood to face him. They mapped every shiver, every tremble of Remus's right hand as it moved up slowly, too slowly, finally stopping only inches away from Sirius's face. So close, so close, that he could feel the warmth radiating from the tips of Remus's fingers, he could literally feel the distance between Remus's palm and his cheeks and cool air passing through that tiny gap.
Sirius stared into Remus's eyes with anticipation he'd never felt before, and a want…no, a need to be touched, to feel Remus's smooth skin against his. It had felt like eons since he'd had any physical contact with Remus, even though it was just a matter of a few days, and Sirius found he could not look at Remus's face anymore, could not face the fear or rejection when that hand slipped away to leave a wide empty space between them.
So when he finally felt soft fingers descend upon his skin, Sirius let out a shaky breath he hadn't known he was holding; and when those fingers widened to an entire palm moving down his face to cup his cheek, to caress his hair, Sirius felt his breathing speed up tenfold at the unexpectedness of the touch. It felt like he was running a never ending marathon. There was another hand now, curling at his hip, a thumb rubbing slowly, unsurely against the thin material of his pyjama bottoms. Just when Sirius was sure he'd managed to bring his breathing to normal, soft lips pressed against his, and he felt his world explode.
Sirius didn't open his eyes. He couldn't, wouldn't dare to, in case all this turned out to be an elaborate dream. He didn't even dare touch the other man, digging half moons into his palms to remind him not to get carried away with himself; just in case Remus suddenly realised what he was doing and stopped.
The hand on his hip moved up underneath his shirt, pressing gently into the soft skin there, rubbing slow circles against his belly. He couldn't help but let a soft moan of pleasure escape his lips as Remus kissed down the bare column of his throat, lingering at the juncture where neck met shoulder. 'Sirius,' he heard Remus whisper into his ear, warm breath against his skin making him quiver. 'Sirius…I want you… inside me…'
Sirius's eyes snapped open. 'Remus…I-' He swallowed heavily, at a complete loss for words. It's too quick, his brain supplied weakly, there's something terribly wrong about this situation. Yet, he was so drawn by the heady feeling of the werewolf around him that he couldn't even bring himself to protest as Remus led him by the hips towards the bed, falling back to the soft mattress and pulling Sirius with on top of him.
'I won't break,' said Remus softly, guiding Sirius's hands to hem of his t-shit and allowing him to pull it over his head. Sirius obliged, with little resistance, entranced by the trust shining in Remus's eyes and something else…something…was it lust? No, it seemed deeper.
They kissed again, slowly and sensually, letting their tounges tangle and explore familiar territories, as Sirius worked on Remus's pyjama bottoms with care and patience that he'd never shown before. His own clothes, however, were shucked off in a hurry, and he found Remus watching him with disconcerting intensity as the last of his clothing fell to the ground.
Sirius's own eyes traveled down Remus's body, memorising the shadows under bright amber eyes, the sharp, long nose, the bow of his lips which were glistening with shared spit; the dip of his collar bone, and then his gaze settled on the scar – renewed and an angry shade of red from all the healing spells. Yet, it wasn't until Remus caught him staring and covered the scar with his hand that Sirius had the decency to blush and look away. He hadn't meant to make his friend uncomfortable, he really hadn't, and he tried to convey that silently through his eyes.
Remus accepted the apology, nodding and smiling slightly, as he reached out a hand towards Sirius, beckoning him back on the bed. The bed dipped as Sirius climbed in and fingers entwined tightly as they kissed one more time, naked skin on naked skin. Their bodies lined with easy practice, as Sirius's other hand opened the drawer that they kept the lube and condoms in without breaking their kiss.
Alarm bells rang shrilly in his head, but Sirius opted to ignore them when Remus's lean legs wrapped around him invitingly and pulled him closer. Yet, for all his enthusiasm, when Sirius tried to push inside of him, Remus's entire body instantly tensed, and Sirius's withdrew immediately.
'Remus,' he protested, when Remus's hands scrabbled to keep him from moving away. This was what his conscience had been digging at the whole time. This, this feeling that Remus might not be ready, might not want Sirius the same way Sirius wanted him. 'Remus, you can't do this. You're afraid I'll hurt you. I'm afraid I'll hurt you-'
'No…' Remus replied breathily, and Sirius didn't miss the urgency in his voice. 'No…I can…I won't get hurt.' He pulled at the back of Sirius's hair painfully. 'Sirius…I'm not afraid of you…or anyone else…'
'You don't have to do this, Remus…you don't have anything to prove t-'
Remus silenced him with a fierce kiss, only breaking away to whisper in Sirius's ears, 'Please, Sirius…I need you…'
And that plea was all it took for Sirius to tentatively thrust into Remus. He waited patiently for the other man to adjust despite his aching need to move and relieve himself. He watched with apprehension as Remus's chest rose and fell with every short burst of breath; the werewolf had kept his eyes firmly closed as if fighting his own inner battles.
'I'm fine,' Remus replied to an unasked question after what seemed like a prolonged moment of silence, and he raised his hips slightly to meet Sirius's.
Sirius groaned at the shot of pleasure that coursed through him. Nodding, he withdrew and thrust again, establishing an old, familiar rhythm between them. He'd gone slow at first, taking care not to hurt Remus in any way, but as the sweat pooled and mingled along their stomachs, and Remus began to meet every thrust with grunts and pants, Sirius's want became his need; and he soon found himself speeding up towards his release.
'Remus,' breathed Sirius at the brink of his orgasm. He tightened his hold on Remus's hands, squeezing lightly. 'Remus, look at me.'
Intense amber gaze met his own, and Sirius found himself crying out loudly as he came hard inside Remus. Dimly, he heard his friend echo his own cries of pleasure and felt wetness spread between their bodies.
Something in the air had shifted then, as both of them experienced one of the most intense orgasms of their life, but Sirius was too disoriented to tell if it was a good thing or bad. He was too at bliss at the moment at the feeling of Remus's hot breath against the sensitive skin of his neck and the way they both clung to each other tightly as if afraid to lose each other in a tide. It was a moment to be frozen in time and relived again and again because nothing they had ever done had been this intense, this full of…
Sirius didn't know…
He finally slid out of Remus, just parting enough to mutter a quick cleansing spell. He collapsed back on top of Remus, nuzzling his cheek and breathing the smell of sweat and shampoo that clung to Remus's hair. 'Are you okay?' Sirius asked, concerned all of a sudden when the silence between them had stretched too long. He looked up, cupping Remus's cheeks tenderly. 'Moony?'
Remus covered Sirius's hands with his, lacing their fingers together and kissing each of Sirius's knuckles. 'I love you Sirius,' he said softly, and Remus's eyes closed momentarily in pain as Sirius's hand fell from his in shock.
'Remus, I-'
Remus smiled, his eyes mirroring the intense amount of love and hurt he must have felt at the moment. 'You don't have to say it if you don't want to.'
Sirius felt his throat constrict tightly, making it even harder to breathe. 'It's not that-' He swallowed thickly, unsure of what to say. 'I care about you a lot Remus, but I-'
'But you don't think its love,' Remus finished, flipping them over so that they both lay face to face on their sides. 'I know, Padfoot, and its okay.' He kissed Sirius on the lips briefly as reassurance.
Sirius worried his already swollen bottom lip with his teeth. 'We're different, you know…we're not like…we're not like James and Lily, Remus…we're not-'
Remus silenced him with a hand over his mouth. 'This confession has been bugging me for ages, Padfoot, and I just wanted you to know tonight because…' For a moment it looked like Remus was about to say something incredibly important; it was clear the way he hesitated, but the moment passed as quickly as it had come, and he was smiling again. 'It's important that you do…and that you remember it, okay? You don't have to be compelled to say it back…that's not how I want it to be…'
Sirius nodded, wrapping his arms protectively around Remus and pulling him closer. 'I missed you, you know,' he confessed into Remus's neck, kissing and worshipping the skin there.
Remus didn't reply, simply resting his chin against Sirius's shoulder and closing his eyes.
XxxxX
Bright sunlight invaded their room the next morning, and Sirius blearily pulled the blankets over his head as he made a mental note to buy thicker curtains for their window when they went shopping next time.
'Padfoot!!'
He felt unexplainably happy this morning though, more so than usual, and even his disoriented mind knew that it was because of Remus. In fact, it was all his disoriented mind knew at the moment. Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus loved him, Remus, Remus, Remus…
'Sirius!!'
Sirius frowned at the incessant banging on his door, snuggling deeper into the pillow to drown out the sound. He pulled the blankets even tighter around his body against the draft that he was sure hadn't been there last night. Really, what would it take for him and Remus to get some sound sleep without that crazy Evans bint and her boyfriend trying to break through their door?
'SIRIUS, GET UP!!'
No, he certainly would not. He was going to sleep in late, wake up and take a long shower, and then he was going to take Remus out for breakfast on his motorbike. They'd had a breakthrough last night, Remus loved him and Remus deserved a little fresh air to take his mind off things, and he was going to fucking well get it.
'SIRIUS, IT'S REMUS! HE'S GONE!'
XxxxX
Author's note: Okay guys, long chapter, but I'm finally, finally done. I hope you liked reading it, despite its angstiness. Yeah, so I should apologise for the cliff hanger. It wasn't meant to be there. Really! This grin on my face…it means nothing. There was more to this chapter in the initial plan, but the pages kept growing and growing…so erhm…yeah…
Anyway, thank you to all those who reviewed for the last chapter and made me grin like a rabid hyena. And a couple of you left anonymous reviews, so I figured I should reply to them as well.
in personyouI hope you haven't shriveled up or anything…um…and if . have…I hope this chapter compensated for it Jono: I'm guessing the cookies and pie are a bit redundant now, but hey, this chapter's longer than the last one, and hopefully, more enjoyable too. Thanks for all the wonderful and absolutely true (I'm kidding, I'm kidding) compliments. Cheers! Tara: Thanks, I hope you loved this chapter even more. Jasu: Oh wow, thanks…now I'm just right floating…that's how large my bubble of happiness has gotten. Yes, I know that's an incredibly cheesy way to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. But you get the point, don't you? Nicole: Thanks!! Your reviews really do help, and I can always know if I'm doing things right. Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter even better…it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, but I'm hoping it isn't half bad. Aclytie: You know, after you mentioned it, that mirror scene sort of creeped me out to. In my over active imagination, it came out as a bit of a horror movie scene, and it kept me up almost half the night. I think you just topped me on the evil scales. Kyshal: Well, as promised, I'm keeping them coming, and I'm hoping they're getting better with every chapter. Thanks for reviewing and keep reading! See you and cheers!