I just stared at him. He looked so…I don't even know, pained I guess…but there was something else there too. "No Nick, of course you're not horrible!" I had almost called him Nicky again, but he didn't want that, he didn't want me to. Next thing I knew he'd be wanting me to call him Nicholas…that might kill me. "It's me that's been wrong here…" I sighed, how could I say this without totally screwing myself over? "I'm sorry for all of those things Nick…and the kiss. I did mean it…and you can interpret that how you want…" I paused, trying to choose my words carefully, something that I wasn't terribly good at. "But I still love you and I don't want you to forget that, alright?" Nick nodded slowly. I had no idea what he was thinking. Just tell him how you feel Kevin. No. Do it! He deserves to know why you've been putting him through everything. NO! I CAN'T! You should be able to tell him anything, he's your brother. EXACTLY! He's my BROTHER! Shut up voice.
"So is that it?" He asked. I felt the bed moved as he resituated himself atop it.
"Yes." No.
"Alright." He nodded. There was silence for several minutes before he spoke again. "Please leave." I should have seen that one coming.
"Ok." I stood up and started to leave, but I turned back around. "Tomorrow though, I'm gonna take you to register to vote, ok? I should have done that today, but I uh…I wasn't being a good brother. I honestly didn't think you'd notice my absence." At least that was the truth.
"Ok." He didn't look terribly excited, but I couldn't blame him. I wasn't giving him any reason to smile. I just screwed up one thing after the other.
"Well goodnight…" I headed towards the door again. "Oh, and Nick? Happy birthday…18 is a huge landmark and I'm sorry that I ruined it for you." I didn't wait for him to agree with me before going back to my room. I sighed as I undressed, changing in to a pair of flannel pajama pants and nothing else. I hadn't had the courage to tell him…or maybe it was harder not to, I wasn't quite sure. I crawled in to bed and pulled the blankets in tight around me. I wasn't cold, I just felt like being close to something and since it was painfully clear that it was going to be a long time…if ever…before that thing became the person that I wanted, so for now I would have to settle for a sheet, a fleece blanket and a quilt.
I'm not sure when my thoughts morphed in to dreams and I drifted from the world of painful consciousness, but the next thing I knew my alarm was blaring at me, forcing me to get up. I woke up every day at 8:30 whether I needed to or not and today was no different. I threw the blankets off and kicked my legs over the side of the bed so that I was sitting up, my feet on the floor. I rested my elbows on my thighs and lowered my face to my pals, rubbing my eyes – an action which soon gave way to raking my fingers through my currently very messy abundance of curls. I should just cut them. No one likes them anyways, no one thinks they're beautiful, they always complain that I should keep straightening my hair. Everyone likes Nick's curls…everyone likes everything about Nick. Kevin, stop being jealous…I slapped myself in the forehead to get the thoughts from my mind. I stood and went to the linen cupboard in the hallway, where I grabbed a towel before making my way to the bathroom that Joe and I shared. Nick shared with Frankie so I wouldn't have to worry about running in to him.
"Morning." My mother smiled at me as I passed her in the hallway. All I could do was let out a tired grunt. I wasn't anything until I'd had my coffee. She knew that and laughed, tousling my curls before walking on. I lied. One person likes my curls, my mom. I think Anne might like them too, but she pretends not to care what I do with my hair. I knocked on the door. The action was out of habit, Joe was NEVER up before 10 unless he had to be and even then 10 was a bit of a stretch…especially when Aileen spent the night. As expected, no one objected, so I entered the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I turned the shower on and took a quick look in the mirror while I waited for the water to warm up. I looked like shit. Then again, I usually did in the mornings, I just felt worse because of the pain I'd caused Nick the night before.
"Morning fucker," I said to myself. Then I turned away from my reflection, shed my pajamas and stepped into the shower. The warm water on my chest made the rest of me shiver for a second before I got used to the temperature change. I just stood there for a couple of minutes letting the water wake me up a little bit. I wished I hadn't told Nick that I'd take him downtown to register…it wasn't that I didn't want to, it was just that I wasn't sure what I was going to say to him on the car ride there and back…it would be an awkward hour or so if I couldn't come up with something. As I finished my shower I tried to think of normal, brotherly conversations, but I couldn't think of much. I wrapped the towel around my waist and headed back to my room. After clothing, breakfast was my next stop. Coffee, root beer, and three toaster waffles. Plain. Interesting combination, I know…but you get used to it and then nothing else will do. You could say that I had fallen in to a routine and you wouldn't be wrong, but it worked for me…I think.