Momentum

by Children of the Shadows

An epic tale of Remus and Sirius's lives, starting from the very beginning. A love that carries on through trials, tribulations, and war. R/S

43. Comfortably Numb

17th September, 1981

Numb.

Remus was numb to everything; to his feelings, to the flames that surrounded him and licked at his skin hungrily, to the dizzying feeling of his head spinning as he fell out of the Hogwarts Floo and into Dumbledore's office. He didn't want to think, not about anything or anyone especially. He didn't want to listen anymore, or know anymore, or even breathe. He just…

'Ah, Remus, I assume you're here to pick up young Elphias. He's down at Hagrid's, but he'll be here shortly so-' Dumbledore who had been steadily gazing at his Pensive since Remus's arrival, looked up in alarm. 'Remus, my boy, are you quite all right?'

Remus stood up, not bothering to brush the soot off his clothes as he stumbled heavily into the nearest chair. He noticed a silvery face – enormous glasses and chains of odd beads – slowly dissolve into the contents of the Pensive, an almost haunting, but unintelligible voice echoing behind. 'Professor,' Remus forced out, finding it hard to simply talk; his throat had closed up too tight and too restricting. 'You told me that if I ever had any… any trouble…I could always come to you.'

'And the offer still stands,' Dumbledore replied kindly, settling back in his seat and adjusting his half moon glasses to give Remus his full attention.

Remus wished he could look the Professor in the eye, but his head didn't seem to want to move (I'm not worthy) from its bowed position. 'I have…a theory, sir. I might be wrong but…I've heard some things and perhaps…you could…'

Dumbledore must have nodded his ascent, but Remus didn't see it. He felt unacknowledged, in fact, until Dumbledore put a reassuring hand on the crown of his head and forced his head to lift up enough so that he was no longer hiding behind his uneven hair. His head swam as he looked at Dumbledore, and he lost the steady concentration of thoughts he'd kept up for so long momentarily. His weakness must have been very obvious because Dumbledore put a steadying hand upon his shoulder, using the other hand to pour a drink with his wand.

'It'll help,' Dumbledore said softly as he pressed the glass into Remus's hands.

Absinthe, Remus realised as he stared at the milky opalescence bubbling inside the glass, not Firewhisky. He gulped it down in one go, wincing as it burned down his throat and brought the world around him to a sharper focus.

'I think I know who the spy is,' Remus swallowed, looking longingly at his glass and wishing Dumbledore would fill it one more time. His thoughts were coming much more clearly now – piecing together with better definition as he talked and wondered why he hadn't realised it sooner. Why something so obvious had completely escaped his notice.

Because he's your friend.

It was the beginning of his uninterrupted explanations. Remus told Dumbledore everything Sirius had just confessed to him with a heavy heart. He carefully kept the details of their relationship or lack thereof, hidden, though Remus suspected that Dumbledore knew if the sympathetic expression on his face was anything to go by. Remus added in a few things of his own, things he'd noticed such as Peter's long absences, the secrecy with his work, the uncanny knack of knowing what was happening before everyone else did. He even recalled an edited version of the conversation he'd had with Peter not too long ago, the one where Peter had asked him if he trusted Sirius. Vaguely, as Remus retold all his encounters, he wondered what his answer would be if Peter asked the same question again.

Remus already knew why Peter would go to such levels; he had always tried to play with the big teams, to hide behind forces he knew would protect him. It made sense that Peter would join Voldemort at some level, but then again, it didn't. Peter had always been a decent fellow, a little cowardly but big hearted. He had always respected and adored James, copied and worshipped James's every move. So what had happened? What had they missed in between the complications of war and their own lives? When had Peter decided that his friends weren't enough anymore?

When he finally finished, Remus was breathing heavily and feeling heavier than he'd started out. Too many things had happened too quickly and everything seemed to be tearing holes through Remus's very being. He looked up at Dumbledore who looked both worried and contemplative, his wand slowly swirling the contents of the Pensive in front of him. Remus wondered warily which memory Dumbledore had chosen to look through and if it matched his suspicions about Peter.

'You're allegations are based on personal experiences, you realise,' Dumbledore said after a long time, eyes closed in thought. 'There's no solid ground of accusation, but your words.'

Remus nodded, hoping as well as dreading to be proved wrong. Perhaps he'd assumed things too quickly? He wanted to ask Dumbledore the verdict, but felt that he'd exhausted his speech. Remus no longer wanted to talk; he'd done his job and just wanted to be left alone.

'But it would certainly explain a lot of things.' There seemed to be an air of finality in Dumbledore's statement and when nothing more was said, Remus took it as a cue for him to leave. He nodded on last time at the old Headmaster, before turning towards the floo and going to the one place he knew would help him lose himself and forget everything, momentarily at least.

'Parson House!'

Remus discovered Parson House when he was twelve; it wasn't far from the town he lived in and his dad had driven by it on the way home from the station. It was in one of those houses that no one ever bothered to complete. There were many rumours as to why, ranging from the owners going bankrupt to them dying. Remus didn't particularly care because to him, the Parson House was tragically beautiful in its abandoned state. It stood alone, surrounded by overgrown grass that reached almost up to Remus's chest. There were no other houses nearby because the land was known for its unruly plant growth and odd soil, making it incapable of providing a proper foundation. Or so the experts said.

Remus had only come here once with Sirius after his Uncle Alphard had passed away and they had ventured the house to find it empty save for a few mattresses, empty beer bottles, and an oddly orange fireplace. Spending time there had been a good way to find peace and lose themselves in a flurry of dust, rickety wood, and bright green grass.

It was for that very reason that Remus found himself falling out of the familiar orange fireplace, now chipped from age, and letting his feet carry him out of the house. He was gaining pace, he realised, as his feet started to move faster. The grass rustled noisily against his trousers, but not loud enough to drown the sounds of Sirius's voice that seemed embedded into his skull.

'I didn't want to believe it at first, and now I don't even care. I don't care if you're a Death Eater. I don't care even if you sell me off to Voldemort.'

Remus was running now, so fast that the grass surrounding him was nothing but a haze of bright green. All those years; all those years of giving every inch of himself to the people he thought cared about him. All those years he spent like a fool, thinking that nobody cared that he was a werewolf, that he could have genuine friends if he wanted to. He'd been pulled down lower than an animal in a matter of seconds.

'There is no werewolf resistance. I've looked through every paper, every article, every Ministry record I could possibly find. I didn't want to think Peter was right because I didn't want to think you would lie to me. But you did. You did, Remus, all the time when I think about it.'

They could have told him. They could have told them how they felt, and Remus would have left. James, and Lily, and Sirius…they didn't need to mock him that way; they didn't need to make him feel like he was worth something if they didn't mean it. He could have handled it. He could have handled it if they'd just let go of him instead of twisting and turning his arm till it finally broke.

'I just…I hated staying in the same room as you. I couldn't look at you without wondering if I was next. If it ever came down to killing me, would you?'

Remus wanted to scream. He wanted to scream till he lost his voice and couldn't speak anymore. He wanted to scream until the calm in the air around him broke and something phenomenal, anything decided to take pity on him and kill him already. He wanted to scream because he'd cried himself dry too many times and it had done nothing to relieve the pain that was slowly spreading across his body, consuming and overwhelming him. It was when Remus's knees collapsed underneath him that he realised he was screaming like a mad man, letting himself get swallowed by the overgrown grass.

He screamed, and screamed, and screamed until his head started pounding and his body was drained out of all energy. The dizzying wakefulness that the absinthe had provided him was slowly fading, and Remus welcomed the blurring of his thoughts and Sirius's voice. He panted in short sharp bursts, letting his body fall backwards and his legs spread across the expanse of grass underneath him.

Closing his eyes, he found that it was easier to shut his mind when he didn't have to look at the star(s) shining brightly above him.

'Remy?'

XxxxX

Elphias braved a few steps closer, shaking from both fear and shock of what he'd just seen. 'Remy?'

Remus's eyelashes fluttered in time with the heavy rise and fall of his chest. 'What are you doing here, Elf?' he asked, almost soundlessly. Elphias was surprised he could speak at all after having screamed that loud; he didn't think he'd ever seen Remus let go of himself. It frightened Elf more than a little.

'I followed you from Dumbledore's office,' Elphias replied cautiously, not sure whether the information would trigger another outburst from the werewolf or not. When Remus didn't reply or even acknowledge him, Elphias braved a seat beside him. 'I didn' mean to listen in, but-'

'You heard,' Remus finished solemnly. His eyes scrunched tight, but he refused to open them for some reason. Elphias wondered if he was fighting back tears perhaps and lay what he hoped was a comforting hand upon Remus's cheek.

'Sorry,' Elphias replied meekly, his hand rising up to brush back Remus's hair. He felt a little claustrophobic encased within the tall grass and wished he could see beyond it, even if just a little. 'Cor, where are we?'

'Rock bottom,' Remus snorted, before bursting out into hysterical laughter that quickly turned into a strangled sob. 'Go away, Elphias,' Remus said, turning his head away. 'Leave me alone, please.'

Elphias's hand twitched, wondering whether he should heed Remus's words or not. Sometimes, Elphias knew, it was better to leave people to themselves. But Remus looked so distraught and broken that Elphias didn't dare; couldn't in case something happened or Remus hurt himself.

So Elphias stayed put, keeping a good distance between them. Remus didn't say anything after that and Elphias was left to wonder why Sirius Black would do something like that. Why…how could he suspect the one person who loved him every second of every day so unconditionally? What he wondered most of all was how Peter Pettigrew could stage this whole misunderstanding so flawlessly and without a hint of guilt showing through?

Elphias had never thought much of Pettigrew; he'd been practically unnoticeable and slightly odd compared to the rest his friends who had seemed vibrant and with attractive personalities of their own. Elphias had always considered Peter Pettigrew a bit of a shadow which had been trampled on a few too many times. Pudgy, blond, and always stuttering, if Elphias had been told that Pettigrew would turn out to be a Death Eater, he would have laughed. It proved yet again how deceptive appearances were.

Remus's breathing was slowing down now, his face looking tired and aged as his muscles slowly relaxed and gave into the exhaustion and helplessness he must have been feeling. Elphias didn't think he could even begin to imagine how much hurt Remus was covering up as he slowly faded in and out of sleep.

Hesitantly, Elphias lay down beside Remus, not stopping the hand that was slowly stroking Remus's hair. He was almost confident that Remus had fallen asleep here in the field, which was why he nearly jolted in shock when Remus swiftly turned to his side and caught Elphias in a bone crushing hug. 'Remy?'

'Don't…please don't,' Remus whispered, pressing his forehead against Elphias's shoulder.

Elphias didn't know what Remus was telling him not to do, so he kept quiet and wrapped his arms around Remus loosely. He could feel Remus trembling against him, Remus's breath coming out cold and uneven against his neck; it felt wrong somehow. It felt wrong to have to hold someone as they tried so hard to keep themselves upright. It felt wrong because only minutes ago, Elphias had seen Remus completely fall apart.

'Elf?' Remus whispered against his neck.

Elphias ran a hand down Remus's back. 'Yeah?'

'Can I-' Remus breathed deeply before pulling away slightly so that they were face to face. 'Can I kiss you?'

Amber eyes gazed upon Elphias's face questioningly, unsure of itself but channeling a certain need that Elphias couldn't ignore. So he swallowed the nervousness and worry he felt rising up his throat and nodded, letting Remus close the gap between them. The kiss didn't bring any fireworks, not like Elphias had sometimes imagined in his dreams. It was sweet and caring, just like Remus, and Elphias mused that this was probably what his first kiss should have tasted like – chocolate masking the bitter taste of spirit and tears. Ironically, it would also be the last time they would kiss.

It was over almost as quick as it started, and Elphias let his hands tangle in Remus's hair as their foreheads rested against one another. 'We could try this,' he said against Remus's moist lips. 'I could fall in love wit' you.' Elphias was sincere when he said he could; he truly believed that they could grow to love each other with a given amount of time. He already cared for Remus enormously, and he also knew that their friendship was different somehow – not in a way that lovers were but in a way that didn't need to be tainted with a title.

Remus shook his head slowly and for some reason, the rejection hurt less than Elphias imagined it would. Perhaps it was because he'd known Remus's answer even before Remus had. 'Never again,' Remus replied resentfully.

Elphias's jaw twitched with sudden anger towards Sirius Black and the rest of them.

'I hate him,' Remus spat before turning in Elphias's arms, so that they lay chest to back. Elphias didn't have to ask who 'him' was; there was only one person in the world that could reduce Remus to such a mess. Only one person that Remus had loved so hard and so much that even through his spite, his voice came out needy and disbelieving.

Elphias sighed and buried his face between Remus's shoulder blades, placing a small kiss there. Neither of them talked following Remus's declaration: Elphias because he lacked the tact and articulation to bring his friend any comfort, and Remus because he was far too distraught to speak anymore.

Elphias lay still for a long time after that, listening to Remus's breathing even out completely as he fell into a deep sleep. Elphias expected Remus to suffer from a bout of frightening nightmares and incomprehensive babbling that had become regularity especially after Mrs. Lupin's death. But as time wore on and Elphias watched Remus sleep, he was surprised to find the werewolf somewhat at peace.

Elphias hadn't had the heart to wake Remus up by apparating to the house after what was clearly an emotionally exhausting day. So he cast a cushioning charm underneath him and Remus, a warming charm, and spread his flimsy jacket over their bodies as a shield against the harsh night. The grass was horribly itchy, but Elphias would have done anything right then to keep Remus happy.

XxxxX

It was pain like he'd never known before.

Excruciating pain that started from the marrow of your bones and set your nerves on fire, bringing you close to blind unconsciousness and pulsing strong enough to make you wish you were dead. It was the sort of pain that made Sirius grip the edge of his office desk until his knuckles turned white, eyes squeezed tight, body doubled over, and breath coming out in sharp bursts.

Betrayal; those were the words spelled out in bold on the Daily Prophet underneath him. Lies, and betrayal, and treachery, all of them coming under one name –Peter Pettigrew. The dirty little rat had fed him stories, made him believe things that were so absolutely ridiculous that Sirius couldn't even believe how stupid he'd been all along. That bastard had been the Death Eater, and he'd been trying to cover his tracks this whole time. It was a good thing that Peter Pettigrew was in Azkaban right now, protected behind bars and Dementors, because Sirius would have killed him.

The Avada Kedavra would have worked under Sirius's wrath.

Sirius's hands scrabbled for the drawer handle, quickly pulling it open and searching blindly for the pack of cigarettes that he'd grown to keeping there. They were the same brand of cigarettes Remus used and somehow, Sirius never noticed it until today as he lit it with one frantic hand. The smoke rushed through his nostrils at the first exhale, clouding around his head and making him cough. He kept on smoking nonetheless, hoping in vain that the nicotine rushing through his veins would somewhat ease the pain. He should have known better, especially since the pain wasn't physical.

It was the pain of having lost you very soul.

'Oh, God, Remus,' Sirius whispered under his breath, feeling the ache in his chest intensify tenfold. 'Fuck, what have I done?' Sirius had never noticed it before but everything about his office seemed to be decorated with Remus's essence. There were cigarettes that Remus smoked, colours that Remus loved, pictures that Remus took during their Hogwarts years and James and Lily's wedding. There was even the picture of the two of them that James had asked him to keep. 'Fuck!' Sirius cried, crumpling the newspaper into a ball and flinging it angrily against the wall.

His eyes stung from a mixture of pain and remorse.

He'd lost him. Sirius had lost the one person that had truly meant anything to him, all because he'd listened to that bastard. All the things he'd done, all those cruel words he'd said out of spite and anger. Remus had forgiven him every time. Every single time, Remus had come to him, confided in him, treated him like a true friend, and even comforted him with soft touches and kind words. Would Remus forgive him this time? Sirius knew that if he was in Remus's place, he definitely wouldn't.

Sirius breathed deeply, fumbling for another cigarette and rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. He flopped down on his seat and rested his head against the cool wood of his table. He was so far gone that he didn't even notice Alice Longbottom bursting into his office in frenzy until she shook him by the shoulder.

'Sirius, are you okay?' She peered down at him with concern, shifting a little uncomfortably when Sirius looked back at her sorrowful, grey eyes.

'I'm fine,' Sirius rasped out, sitting straight. It was a lie really; he wasn't fine at all. He wasn't fine because his mind was circling with one thought alone: Remus. Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus…

Alice nodded unsurely. 'We have bad news, I'm afraid.' She waited until Sirius motioned her to elaborate. 'Pettigrew's been Kissed.'

Just when Sirius thought things couldn't get any worse, the world fell apart. 'What?' he cried, louder than usual and then quieted down when Alice glanced warily outside. She closed the door and locked it with a silencing charm before she let Sirius speak again, 'The trial is scheduled for the twentieth, how could they just-'

'It was unwarranted,' Alice explained, cutting him off, 'Crouch had no idea until this morning. The Dementors, as their defense, claim that Pettigrew's emotions were stronger than the rest of the inmates. Irresistible, apparently.'

Sirius felt anger and incredulity rise in him, and he rose up from his chair with every intention to call for some much needed action. 'I can't believe those fucking-'

Alice pushed him down. 'No, Sirius, listen. No one is supposed to know about this, not even the Aurors. Crouch is paying the Prophet to keep things quiet for safety reasons-'

'To delusion the public, you mean,' Sirius snorted disdainfully. 'The bloody git should have never talked to the Prophet in the first place. Moody warned him against it, but he goes about telling everybody about his brave capture of a ruthless Death Eater and how he was going to beat answers out of him.'

'It caught Death Eater attention,' Alice replied agreeably. 'That's what Dumbledore believes, but he has nothing to prove that the Dementors are wading towards Voldemort. Crouch might believe him, but he's too harried up in this whole incident to listen.'

'Fuck.' Sirius reached out for his pack of cigarettes again and threw it away angrily when he found it to be empty. 'This was our one chance. Shit.' For some reason, he laughed. The situation wasn't very funny and his laughter was mostly humourless disbelief. He couldn't believe one of their childhood friends, the person they'd spent seven years living with had turned out to be such a dirty traitor. He couldn't believe that some way, somehow, Peter Pettigrew always escaped their grasp. Mostly, he couldn't believe that underneath all the anger, he was actually happy. He was bloody ecstatic that Peter had been Kissed; he deserved it, the motherfucker. He deserved being an empty shell of a human being for everything he did to Sirius; for taking Remus away from him.

'They're keeping Pettigrew in Azkaban,' Alice continued, her face scrunching up in distaste. 'To keep up appearances. He's no longer affected by the Dementors, and Crouch reckons he can pass off easily as another mental prisoner.'

'The sick bastard;' Sirius spat, completely disgusted. 'I'd never thought he'd sink this low.'

Alice hummed in approval. 'It's only because Dumbledore refuses to be Minister. Merlin, Crouch surpasses bloody cruelty.' She tapped her fingers against the desk, displaying chipped red nails. 'Are you going to visit Pettigrew?'

Sirius laughed humourlessly.

Alice frowned. 'He was your friend, you know.'

'He was my worst enemy; I just never knew it,' Sirius retorted callously,

'James refused as well, but Lily and I are going. Peter might have been the spy, but he never deserved this.' Alice sighed and laid a gentle hand on Sirius's shoulder. 'Dumbledore's calling for a meeting tonight at eight. He's going to break the news, so you can come if you like.'

Sirius bit his lip and looked up at her. 'Is Remus coming?' He hoped he didn't sound too desperate; Alice didn't know about their relationship but she knew about the fray that had come between the Marauders. He swallowed and asked again, 'Alice, is Remus coming?'

Alice shrugged. 'Dumbledore must have told him, I don't know. I tried his Floo, but no one answered.'

Sirius felt his chest contract, the unbearable pain returning with renewed vigour. 'Okay,' he whispered, nodding dejectedly. 'Yeah, alright.'

XxxxX

Mr. Potter's funeral was a solemn one. All the Order members had shown up to pay their respects, along with his Daily Prophet colleagues. There were a lot of family members, given that the Potters were a large pureblood clan, and Sirius even recognised some of his own relatives from amidst the crowd, however distant. Remus had come too, though Sirius had fully expected him not to.

The young werewolf stood away from everyone else, leaning against a tree with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He hadn't talked to James even once since he'd come; in fact, he hadn't even come close to any of them. He just stood there, gazing quietly as the funeral proceeded and people passed him by. Remus could have easily been mistaken for a statue – Sirius hadn't seen him move from his position even once and he had been watching Remus for a very long time. Remus didn't look any different from the last time Sirius saw him; he was still beautiful. But there seemed to be a hard edge to his beauty now – a set jaw, sharp focused eyes, and a completely neutral expression. It made Sirius wonder if Remus finally hated him.

'Prongs, is it okay if I leave for a bit?' Sirius asked, turning to look at James and Lily. James had taken the whole funeral with more calm than Sirius had expected him to. He had wept silently a few times, but had otherwise kept a strong fort hold under Lily's soothing reassurances and constant presence.

James nodded, glancing briefly at Remus and smiling weakly. 'Sure. Try and bring him over, won't you?'

Sirius gave a casual shrug before getting up and heading towards Remus. It felt like the longest walk of Sirius's life; the distance between them seemed insanely vast as Sirius's heart sped up from anticipation and fear. Halfway through, Remus had actually noticed Sirius's path towards him, but didn't seem to think of it as a matter of interest. His calm, cool gaze seemed to pierce Sirius's very soul and then finally shifted away to the people around them. Sirius may as well have not existed.

'Remus,' Sirius called, sounding a lot more breathless than he felt. 'How are you?'

Remus nodded in acknowledgement, but otherwise said nothing.

Sirius felt his throat close up and suddenly, he didn't think talking to Remus was that good of an idea. It felt a lot more difficult now that he was finally here. 'I-I'm really glad you could come…to the funeral,' he tried, hoping he wasn't stuttering too much. 'I thought you wouldn't, you know, after…'

'I didn't come here for you, Sirius,' Remus replied coldly, his eyes bright and dangerous in the sun.

Sirius's cheeks burned red. 'Moony, I'm really-'

'I don't care, Sirius,' Remus shot before Sirius could get any further. 'I really don't care about anything you have to say, so you might as well just save your breath.' He looked calm and fierce as he said this; nothing like the mess that Sirius felt he had been reduced to at Remus's harsh words. He deserved it, he knew, but that didn't stop it from hurting like hell. 'I'm done with you,' Remus spat finally, before walking away.

Sirius caught him by the wrist before he could go too far. 'Don't go without seeing James through, Remus, he needs you right now.'

Remus snatched his hand back roughly. 'He needs me?' He snorted derisively. 'Right. Tell me this, Sirius, who was first among you? Which of you decided to jerk me around first and which of you followed? You or James?'

'No!' Sirius cried, almost grabbing Remus again before catching himself. 'No, Remus, James and Lily…they never thought you were…' He swallowed heavily. 'Not once. That's what we'd had a fight over, James and I. He didn't believe a word, and…and looks like he was right not to…'

Remus stared at him for a while, brows furrowed as if wondering whether to believe Sirius's words or not. His head tilted slightly, making his hair fall sideways partly across his eyes. Sirius had never wanted to touch Remus more and yet, was too scared to even move.

'I'm not lying, Remus,' Sirius replied sincerely, stuffing his hands in his pockets to resist the urge to reach out.

Remus's jaw twitched momentarily before he nodded and walked away, leaving Sirius to wonder how long Remus's anger would stay and if there was anything he could do to make up for all his faults.

One good thing came out of the confrontation however and that was the breaking of tension between James, Lily, and Remus. Sirius felt a small fraction of relief to know that he'd at least fixed part of the situation. James and Lily had been nothing but supportive of Remus the whole time and they didn't deserve to be ignored or looked at with spite. To just think that Remus might have thought that the two of them had considered him as a Death Eater made Sirius's chest well up with guilt. Sometimes, he wished he could turn back time, all the way to a point when he'd started trusting that rat over his own lover. Perhaps if he'd just been more caring and receptive to Remus, these misunderstanding wouldn't have arisen. Perhaps he would have never heeded Peter's words if he'd had just a little more faith. But the past was done, and Sirius doubted if there was anything he could do but look ahead.

He sighed for the umpteenth time, leaning against the tree the same way Remus had as he watched James and Lily embrace Remus in an awkward hug. Lily lingered a little longer than James, and Sirius could read her lips as they formed the words 'we missed you' and 'thank you'. Sirius stayed back, letting them have their moment. He didn't think Remus would appreciate his presence anyhow, not without hostility. Maybe in time, he could fix the friendship between him and Remus; it was certainly something he'd hoped for ever since the truth had been put out.

Sirius could do without love, but never without Remus…

XxxxX

'Dumbledore told me you were leaving tomorrow? That's why you were at Hogwarts the other day, right? To discuss the mission.'

Elphias nodded guiltily; seeing Remus's state, he hadn't told him about his assigned mission until now. Remus didn't look angry or upset by it, so that posed as somewhat of a relief and a disappointment. Elphias sighed, soaping up a second dish and waiting for Remus to finish the first before handing it over. 'S a short one; not much trouble.'

Remus hummed. 'It's close to your home, I think. A short drive away if I'm not mistaken.'

Elphias grinned weakly. 'Ne'er noticed?'

'No, of course not,' Remus replied, rolling his eyes sardonically. 'Do you plan to visit?'

Elphias nodded, perhaps looking a bit more excited than he should have. In truth, he'd been waiting for this mission for what felt like ages now and dreamt of going back home almost every night.

'Do you plan to come back?' Remus asked again, not quite looking at Elphias as he stacked up another plate in their already growing pile. 'Here, I mean.'

Elphias suddenly felt very uncomfortable and suddenly wondered why they were cleaning all the dishes in the cabinet. It wasn't like they were particularly dirty or used very often. In fact, he and Remus had been doing useless house chores all day. They should be relaxing; Remus had taken a well deserved day off from work for his transformation tonight. 'I don' know, 'onestly,' Elphias said finally, trying not to give the idea too much thought.

'You don't want to, though,' Remus said, in a very matter-of-fact tone.

Elphias paused his dishwashing to look at Remus better; he noticed Remus's shaking hands but didn't comment on them. 'I hate London, Remy. I hate the people an' the place an' everythin' 'bout her. You're 'bout the only thin' tha' keeps me sane here.'

Remus nodded understandingly, then frowned thoughtfully and looked back at Elphias again. 'You aren't going to grope me now, are you?'

Elphias smirked cheekily, the hand that was already halfway to Remus's arse quickly dropping behind Elphias's back. 'Was hopin' if I showed me sen'imental side, you know.'

Remus shook his head exasperated and started on toweling the finished dishes dry. Elphias, having nothing better to do and never missing the rare opportunity of spending time with Remus, joined him. 'I'd understand if you wanted to go back, Elf. I mean, I'd probably starve with no one to cook for me, but I think that it's pretty useless to wait for the end of the war to go back home. It's only going to get worse, and you can always fight your battles back at home where you-'

Remus's body started shaking all of a sudden, rough spasms jerking his body and making Elphias jump back in shock. Elphias watched, horrified and speechless, as Remus's body trembled violently – a lot like his hands had been doing only a minute ago. He looked around, trying to figure out what to do, but Elphias wasn't ready for this; Remus had never done anything of the sort. The plate in Remus's hand shattered to pieces, a lot of the shards still stuck to his hand because he was clenching it so tight.

'I-I'm fine,' Remus choked out, closing his eyes and trying to inhale deeply. 'Don't worry.' Remus took a few more deep breaths, muttering quietly to himself. Finally, after what felt like a torturous decade to Elphias, Remus's body stilled and his hands unclenched. 'It's okay,' Remus said softly before opening his eyes.

Elphias nearly screamed right then, but clapped a horrified hand to his mouth before he could. Remus's pupils were very near slits, and they looked so frightfully dangerous that Elphias backed away almost unconsciously. Remus's irises looked as if they were glowing.

'Elf, I won't hurt you,' Remus reassured and even as he said it, Elphias could see Remus's eyes changing. They were returning back to normal, his pupils expanding and his irises dulling to a familiar and comforting amber-brown. It was the first time Elphias had seen the wolf underneath the man and it had scared him shitless. 'Elf, its okay,'

Elphias breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. 'I know. I'm sorry.' He inched closer, encasing Remus's still wavering hands firmly within his to still it. 'Wha was that?'

'The wolf's angry and I'm too weak to fight it today. I've been trying to distract it all day,' Remus replied, sighing heavily.

Oh. That explained a lot. 'Does it 'urt?'

Remus smiled, shaking his head sadly. 'But it will later. Elf, if something happens to me tonight-'

'Nothin's gonna happen to you!' Elphias cried, squeezing Remus's hands tight. 'You ain't that bad off! I've seen you worse!'

'If something happens to me, Elf,' Remus repeated solemnly, looking directly into Elphias's eyes, 'this house is yours to keep. I don't have anyone else to give it to, so anything-' Remus's eyes widened in shock as Elphias clapped a hand to Remus's mouth, effectively silencing him.

'We still got 'em glasses to finish.' Elphias hoped he sounded stern because in his mind, that was the end of their conversation. They weren't going to talk about it anymore, and Remus was damn well going to be fine!

That's what Elphias kept telling himself for the rest of the day but by evening, he was pacing holes into the floor. Remus had locked himself in the garage already, even though there was still almost an hour to go. Elphias didn't blame him; the wolf was starting to show more and more frequently in Remus's eyes. He knew Remus would never actually hurt him, but it scared Elphias a lot nonetheless. What scared him more was Remus's earlier words. Remus had looked so confident when he'd said that he might not make it; it was almost as if he knew.

Elphias glanced at his bedroom clock again. Only five minutes had passed since he'd last looked at it, but the anxiety made him feel restless and impatient. The little kit that Mrs. Lupin had used to heal her son after transformations was already packed and ready to use beneath Elphias's bed; Elphias had spent a good fifteen minutes unnecessarily organising the potions and bandages. Elphias looked at the watch again and cursed when the hand hadn't even moved.

His hand twitched nervously. He couldn't take this anymore; the knowledge that Remus might not make it this time was driving Elphias crazy with the need to fucking do something. He had ideas, dear Merlin, he had ideas, but none Remus would approve of and definitely none that would do him much good in the long term.

Elphias glanced at the clock again. 'Fuck this,' he cried, quickly running out of his room, down the staircase, and into the living room where the fireplace was burning merrily. Elphias decided right then that he was going to skip Dumbledore's mission and do what he could for Remus. He was going to regret this, he knew, but Remus's life was at stake and Elphias had no other option. Taking a deep breath, he threw the glittering powder into the fire before calling out, 'Sirius Black, DMLE!'

The spell shot out of Elphias's wand even before he tumbled out of the grate. It was a blind shot; minimum aim and maximum luck, which was why Elphias was astonished when he straightened on his feet to see Sirius Black lying stunned on the floor.

'Fuck!' Elphias whispered, quickly running to close the door. Azkaban. He could go to Azkaban for life for this. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck!' He'd just assaulted an Auror, even if it was just a junior one, and he'd kidnapped said Auror's wand to add to it. Oh God, if someone decided to drop in, he was in big trouble. 'Sorry 'bout this, Mr. Black,' Elphias apologised, before levitating Sirius off the floor with his wand. 'Fuck, I'm goin' to hell for this.' Elphias struggled to gather floo powder in his hands while trying to keep strict concentration on Sirius's airborne body; Merlin, Sirius was heavy. 'Lupin Cottage!'

Unfortunately, Elphias found that levitating charms did not stay when traveling by floo. Coming out of the Lupin fireplace, Elphias found Sirius's body covered in soot and various bruises on his arms and neck. He hoped Sirius hadn't broken anything; according to the clock there were only ten minutes left till moonrise. He agonisingly adjusted Sirius's lead heavy limbs so that he was lying straight on his back with his arms tucked to the sides.

'O'righ', Elf,' he panted, wiping the sweat that had collected on his brow from the exertion. 'Here we go.' Elphias pointed his wand towards Sirius's neck, keeping it close to his jugular before muttering a quick, 'Enervate!'

Sirius's eyelids fluttered as he groaned in pain. 'What the blo- Elphias!' He made to get up put stopped when Elphias dug his wand painfully into neck.

'Don' move. Don' talk,' Elphias commanded, looking braver than he felt underneath Sirius's angry and outraged glare. 'I have your wand, so you will listen t' me. It's 'portant, so I don' care how busy you are or how this doesn' apply to you.'

'Get off me, Elphias,' Sirius warned, obviously not impressed by Elphias's efforts to take charge, 'before I tear your throat out.'

Elphias swallowed but tried to look uncaring. 'Today's full moon; you prolly don' know.'

To his relief, Sirius didn't look as dangerous any more, but just concerned and perhaps a little frightened. 'Remus.'

It wasn't a question but Elphias nodded his affirmation nonetheless. 'The wolf is angry and Remy told me he won' make it.' Elphias lowered his wand, moving to give Sirius space to sit up. 'You're goin' in as dog to 'elp 'im. I don' care how you do it, but you keep 'im alive.'

Sirius nodded gravely, standing up and wincing, probably from all the bruising. 'You didn't have to fucking kidnap me to do this, you stupid git. I would have come anyway.' He stretched his back, popping the muscles in his neck before transforming swiftly into the large, black dog Elphias remembered seeing a year ago.

'I doubted you woulda,' Elphias accused, letting the 'after everything you did' hang. The dog bared its sharp teeth and growled maliciously at him; Sirius obviously didn't like him very much. He glanced at the watch one last time, feeling more at peace than he had since morning. 'You got five minutes to get in. Then, I lock the door.'

XxxxX

When Sirius woke up, he found himself still in his Animagus form, partly sprawled upon Remus's bare thighs. The transformation had been rough last night, perhaps one of the fiercest Sirius had ever seen.

The wolf had been furious at everything; at itself, at Remus, at being locked up. In its rage, it hadn't even noticed Padfoot at first as it repeatedly collided and burned itself on the aconite coated door. It had been so blinded with the resultant pain that it hadn't even noticed a large, black dog tugging at its tail. In fact, it wasn't until Padfoot had launched himself entirely on the wolf to prevent it from chewing itself apart that Moony had noticed there was an intruder in the garage. Even then, it had been ruthless and self abusive; Sirius had had to literally fight and knock it down unconscious in the end to stop it from killing itself and Remus. Padfoot had been smaller and weaker, but he had had a human mind on his side.

Padfoot let out a doggy huff before transforming back to his human form. The garage was dark, so he couldn't tell if the sun had risen or not, but if the way Remus's chest was rising and falling rapidly was any indication, then the moon was yet to set completely. Sirius's hypothesis was confirmed when he slid open one of Remus's eyes to find the irises still tinged yellow.

'You really beat yourself up there, Moony,' Sirius said softly, brushing blood encrusted hair out of Remus's face. His fingers met a large bump hidden beneath honey brown hair; the last blow that Padfoot had finally inflicted to knock the wolf out. Remus's body shook with the last remaining tremors of his transformation, a soft, pained whine emitting from his dry lips. 'It's over, Moony,' Sirius soothed, caressing Remus's face tenderly. 'You're fine. It's okay.' Sirius pulled off his shirt over his head and rolled it up to form a makeshift pillow for Remus. He made sure that he didn't aggravate Remus's wounds any further as he slid the shirt beneath Remus's head. 'I'm here, Moony, I'm here…'

Remus's eyes opening half mast, and Sirius could tell by the way his face scrunched up in confusion, that Remus either had no recollection of last night or was having a hard time seeing clearly. 'Elf?'

Sirius drew back as if stung. It shouldn't have hurt so much; Sirius hadn't been there for so many full moons. Remus was simply calling out for the person who took care of him in place. It didn't mean anything; it didn't mean that somehow Elphias had taken a more important place in Remus's life. After all, it was Sirius who had been there last night; Sirius who made sure the wolf didn't murder itself; Sirius who felt the ache in his chest every time Remus whimpered in pain.

The garage door opened and Sirius had to shield his eyes with his arm from the sudden onslaught of light. Sirius could make out Elphias's silhouette; he looked even shorter and slighter than usual. 'Is he o'right?' Elphias asked, his eyes taking in the blood splattered walls before settling on the figure beside Sirius's.

'Unconscious,' Sirius replied shortly, sidling closer to Remus protectively.

Elphias nodded, walking in and letting Sirius's wand slide across the floor towards him. 'Ta, Mr. Black. You can go if you like.'

'Don't insult me, Dodge,' Sirius spat, quickly examining his wand for any malfunctions before starting on healing Remus's mangled body. 'You can put yourself to use and heal some of the more dangerous wounds with me. We'll levitate him into the house after that.'

'I know wha' to do!' Elphias yelled angrily as he marched towards them.

'Then do it,' Sirius shot back, ignoring Elphias's murderous glares.

The next hour was spent, thankfully, in silence, as they healed Remus on his bed. There were quite a few broken bones to mend and limbs to straighten, so despite both Sirius and Elphias wanting to rip each other's throats out, they worked together. Remus, the whole while, drifted in and out of consciousness; he would open his eyes blearily and try to speak almost, but would fall back asleep again. It was as if his body was betraying him as his mind struggled to try and figure out what was happening.

Sirius looked at Remus's face, troubled with sleep but still handsome, still so beautiful.

'E's always 'sleep by now,' Elphias said softly, rubbing some sort of salve on Remus's left arm. Sirius had stopped questioning Elphias's choice of potions a long time ago. They had bickered about it at first, but when Elphias had mentioned that they were the ones Mrs. Lupin had taught him to use, Sirius immediately shut up. Sirius might have hated Elphias, but he had the utmost respect for Remus's mother. 'E migh' act a lil' mental now and then, not in the righ' mind, I mean. 'Cause of the Levatio Potion.'

Sirius frowned, looking Elphias in the eye, for the first time, with confusion rather than wrath. 'Levatio?' He looked around, sure enough finding a large black vial of bubbling liquid and picking it up to read the label. 'This is from Knockturne Alley,' Sirius cried, surprised and enraged, 'you don't know what shit it can do! You fed him this?'

Elphias scowled. 'It works. Mrs. Lupin-'

'Mrs. Lupin was a muggle!' Sirius yelled, standing up. Remus stirred a little beside him, but he paid it no mind. 'She probably had no idea what she was giving him!'

'She was doin' this longer than you were!' Elphias yelled back, getting up so abruptly that a few of the salve tubes he'd been using fell to the ground. 'She was there when you wasn'!'

Sirius didn't know what came over him; one minute he was standing there on the bedside, yelling, and the next, he had grabbed Elphias by his shirt collar and slammed him into the wall. 'Merlin, do you ever use your head? This stuff is illegal for a reason!'

'S illegal 'cause 's got bits of dragon egg in 'em! Don' think I haven' checked, Mr. Black!' Elphias growled, struggling against Sirius's strong hold. 'I took care o' him when you left. I watched every one o' em transformations!'

Sirius pressed Elphias tighter against the wall. 'Why did you have to fuck him, Elphias, eh?' he asked, his voice ranging between angry and remorseful. 'You could have anyone you wanted. Anyone! So why Remus?'

'I could ask you the same thin',' Elphias spat, his fingernails digging sharply into Sirius's knuckles in an attempt to free himself. When Sirius didn't have an answer to his question, Elphias's eyes looked down on him with contempt. 'You was no less than God to him. So why Remus?'

Sirius's hands wavered. 'I loved him,' Sirius replied shakily.

'You 'urt him. You broke him.'

Sirius let go of Elphias, turning his back to him. 'I was stupid…and blinded,' he said softly, rubbing his temples aggressively to stave off the migraine he felt coming on. 'I didn't understand how much he…' Sirius left the sentence unfinished, not wanting to open up to Elphias or anyone else for that matter. 'You're right, I should just leave. I'm just making things worse.'

'I was lyin',' Elphias almost whispered when Sirius's hand had closed around the door knob. 'I never slept with Remy. S not like that wit' us.'

Sirius whipped around so fast that he pulled a muscle. 'You told me-'

'I lied,' Elphias said simply, looking anywhere but Sirius. He ironed his wrinkled shirt with his hands. 'You kept pushin' an' pushin', an' I was tired of watchin' you always be so cruel to Remy. So, I lied.'

Sirius swallowed, wide eyed and disbelieving. 'Fuck.' He ran both hands through his hair, pulling until it hurt unbearably at the roots. 'Fuck, things just get worse. There's no end…'

'I-I can leave you 'ere…wit' him,' Elphias stuttered, and Sirius could tell by his face and darting eyes that it was the last thing he wanted to do. For once, Sirius wasn't angry with him or blaming him; if he were in Elphias's place, he would be protective of Remus too. Especially if Sirius was involved. 'You can talk, but he ain't gonna understand nothin', an' he ain't gonna 'member it.'

Sirius swallowed heavily, looking at Remus's unrested form before nodding.

'If you do anythin' to him, Mr. Black, anythin', I swear I'll kill you,' Elphias warned before walking out.

Sirius chuckled bitterly, wondering how much Elphias meant it as he sat next to Remus. 'You're not going to hate me forever, are you?' he asked, stroking Remus's hair to the side and out of his eyes. Remus mumbled under his breath about something that sounded a lot like 'porridge' and turned into Sirius's touch. 'I hate myself too,' Sirius continued, hesitating for a while before sliding down beside Remus on top of the covers. He kept a good distance between them, perhaps out of fright of rejection or waking Remus up.

Sirius stared at Remus for a while, drinking every bit of him. Remus was still muttering in his sleep, probably half awake. A lot of it was unintelligible, but Sirius could make out a few words like Quidditch, and oranges, and bread pudding. He figured Remus might have been hungry, but couldn't tell for sure.

Sirius smiled and caressed Remus's cheek with one hand. For some reason, second year came upon memory. Sirius couldn't remember what day or time it was, but he remembered that it had been after a transformation just like now. In fact, it had been the transformation that had helped him come into terms with Remus's lycanthropy; it had made him realise that the rest of the world didn't matter when it came to Remus; that Sirius would always care about him no matter what. That had been back in second year, and things still hadn't changed.

It had been a turning point back then and for Sirius, just one segment of that incident truly stood out in his memory. 'Remus?' Feeling foolish but knowing that this was perhaps going to be the only time he was going to get Remus without the shield of his anger and cognition, Sirius tried to replay that exact same scene: 'Can I…you know…hug you?'

For a split second, Sirius was sure this had to be the stupidest thing he'd ever done his entire life; Remus was hardly coherent and there was no guarantee that he would remember anything about their past or present. But then, Remus mumbled something under his breath and Sirius couldn't understand most of it, but he could make out a slight smile on Remus's face and a distorted version of his own name: 'S'rus.'

That was all it took for Sirius to launch himself into Remus's arms, burying himself in deep into Remus's body and nearly choking with tears when one of Remus's arms came to wrap unconsciously around him.

The sheets fell between them in a haphazard pool of soft cotton as Sirius breathed 'I love you' into the sleep warmed skin of Remus's neck.

XxxxX

As always, I love every one of your lovely, inspirational reviews. It gets me high, which is never a good thing in class but at least keeps me awake through Business Law. Yuck. So, anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I know all of you were expecting Remus to suddenly jump into Sirius's arms and everything to be happy again, but it didn't seem right. So I wrote a nice, angry Remus instead with hints of slash and lot of puppy love in the future. And look, I even threw in a little hug…how many of you remember that scene from second year, I wonder…I actually read through it again and found out that I pretty much got it right, except that Remus had been using a blanket back then. Thought of changing it, but then figured "haphazard pool of wooly fleece' didn't sound very romantic. Anyway, hope you guys liked it and love to all! Oh, and for those who reviewed anonymously:

Shoshoni: Thank you, dear. And what do you mean only one more chapter? There's so much drama left! You can't expect me to take the easy way out now, do you? Mk: I bet you don't think Elf and Remus are twin brothers now, do you? Lol. But you actually got the gist right. I never intended Elf to be Remus's lover. Elphias lusts over him, but then Elphias lusts over everybody. They're friends but a little more than, if that makes any sense. woodland aristocrat: Apology accepted, but really, thank you for reviewing. So, yes, things are going to get a lot better now that Peter's finally in jail. I know the readers have been waiting for ages to have something bloody happen already, so voila! Ainek: I just totally lost myself in all the alphabets you put in there, but erm…I agree with you I think, which sort of shows in this chapter. I don't think anyone would forgive Sirius that easily after everything he's done. Jay: Lol. Well, then I really hope you enjoyed this chapter because it had a good share of angst in it, didn't it? Sirius shall be groveling, I promise you! Melissa: Sorry I couldn't update just as fast. Got caught up with coursework as usual. Sighs, but the updates from here on will definitely be pretty frequent, so I look forward to that. A Person: God, the coincidences. Hm, alright, I have one: it could be worse, it could be raining. (Which in this case, it actually is.) jono: Ah, yeah, I fixed those mistakes and really, things are only going to get better for the pups now. I actually wanted to keep the ending short to create a sort of shocked surprise thing, if you know what I mean. You're learning, eh? Lol. Personally, I think Remus's dialogues might be a bit overdramatic to use in real life situations. At least, for some reason, they always sound like soap operas. Kyshal: Well, I'm still writing so it's going to be a nice, twisted little story. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it as much as I do. Cryingxinside: The end? Luv, we've just started! Don't think you can get rid of me that easy! Truest-of-true-loves: The inspiration has definitely kept me at it! And, no questions because I'm not answering any of them. And of course there's still hope for the couple – you can even see a tiny little bit of it in this chapter, don't you think? Cheers!