Chapter 2: Ranch Makeover
It took Zeldalonjora several hours to find the king. He was in a back alley, humping a guard and gnawing on his neck at the same time. When he spotted the ghastly fusion of three insane individuals hurtling down the cobblestone path on a bike that looked suspiciously like Zelda's maid, Impa, he panicked.
Behind his redead mask, the king might've been trembling in fear. On the outside, though, he was screaming in agony. Nobody could be sure whether he was trying to paralyze Zeldalonjora or was simply releasing his terror in a high-pitched shriek, but it didn't really matter anyway. He was mercilessly crushed under the wheels of the Impacycle.
"With the king gone, I can destroy the castle with ease!" screeched Majora.
"Not like he could've stopped you," Malon muttered.
"Daddy!" Zelda whimpered.
"Zelda, shut up!" the Impacycle yelled. "It's not like you're the one who got his guts all over your face."
"You shut up! Bikes can't talk!" Zelda shot back. "Malon, we have to stop Majora before it does anything worse! If we put our heads together, we might be able to overpower it!"
"It's your castle; not like I care. And if you didn't notice, our heads are already together," snickered Malon.
"IF YOU DON'T HELP ME I'LL NEVER BE QUEEN AAAAAHHHH!" Zelda screamed.
"I sure hope not," the Impacycle replied.
"Here we are!" Majora cackled, screeching the bike to a halt at the gate to the castle. "We're going to gather some useful masks and let the guards destroy the castle themselves." It rummaged around in the mask bag, pulling out several. "Balrog, giant squid, meteor, evil moon, nucular warhead - "
"Nuclear," Zelda corrected.
"Whatever. Nuclear warhead, disinfectant spray can, camera phone, cake - "
"Mmm cake!" Malon exclaimed. "Can I have it when it's ready?"
"Sure," Majora groaned. "Now, let's get going. Whenever you see a guard, slap one of these suckers on him. Then we just have to escape before we get destroyed with the rest of the world."
"K!" Malon giggled.
"No!" Zelda yelled. "Hey! Stop controlling me! You fricking fruitcake!"
And so the trio (unless you count the Impacycle) rode through the castle as one (sort of), leaving a trail of destruction behind them. Actually, it was the possessed guards that left the trail of destruction, but you get the point. The castle was completely destroyed and stuff. The last explosion sent them pedalling straight up into the night sky, briefly showing as a silhouette on the face of the moon (not to be confused with the evil moon, which had self-destructed in the middle of the event).
Landing in a ditch outside Hyrule Castle, Zeldalonjora groaned and snickered at the same time. No doubt this monster has something more planned, Zelda thought. I just need to get Malon to help me. If she wasn't a complete retard, we could have been in control by now.
"We have the same head," Malon said out loud. "I can hear you."
"You two are weird!" Majora exclaimed. "It's quite unfortunate I had to get fused with two idiots like you. But enough arguing. We need to get to work destroying all of Hyrule, starting with Lon Lon Ranch."
"Yes! Yes!" Malon squealed.
"Malon, you live there," Zelda explained softly, hoping the farm girl would have a heart attack at the news.
"My dad kicked me out because I was too sucky," Malon replied. Zelda imagined her eyes turning red as she spoke. "I hate him sooo much!"
"This will be easy then." Majora smirked, steering the Impacycle through the market. Malon screamed with delight when she saw a beauty parlour.
"Ooo we have to stop!" She tried to pull their ride to a halt.
Zelda sighed. She didn't need a makeover, but she knew Malon did, and Majora could do with a touch-up.
"No we are not going there!" Majora hissed, "I'm already too beautiful for this world."
"Maybe the world in your head." Zelda giggled.
"Makeover!" Malon continued to yell until the others gave in; there was much pouting from Majora.
Stumbling in, they were greeted by the woman behind the counter.
"Welcome Sir….Madam…uh." She fumbled with some papers while trying to decide what their gender was.
An hour later the happy trio emerged from the shop; Majora ran to a trash can.
"Blaaarrgghhh!" It coughed up pink powder while trying to wipe the red lipstick from its face.
"Don't smudge it!" Malon snapped, "now come on, let's go destroy my house! Yay!"
Jumping back on the Impacycle they rode out of town only to crash into the risen drawbridge. Throwing the Impacycle aside, Zelda screamed.
"Why is this up, it's the morning!" Stomping into the gatehouse, she saw the guard sleeping in the corner. Pointing a finger at him, a red beam shot out, knocking the guard straight through the wall.
"Ooo fun." Malon copied Zelda's action, and another hole was made in the wall. "Let's go show daddy our new trick!" She jumped for joy.
Hurrying out of the door, they noticed Impa was gone. Staring past the now lowered drawbridge, they saw the bike whizzing through the field.
"Follow that bicycle!" Zelda ordered.
The scene switched to a slow motion view of them running after the bike, flailing their arms wildly in the air. Not seeing a lone cucco wandering innocently along the grass, they tripped over it, landing face first on the ground.
"Argh I hate cuccos!" Majora yelled. Jumping up, he tried to kick the animal into the sky, but missed and sent them tumbling over again.
"Animal hater!" Malon cried.
"You're the one who's so excited about destroying the ranch." Zelda stated.
"But not the cute little animals! You evil brutes!"
After a short argument they ran towards the ranch. Deciding to look in the barn first, they got a shock when the door was locked. Tugging at the handle didn't help at all.
"Ok, I know what to do!" Malon smiled. Using her new laser powers, she blasted all of the walls down; off flew the roof, down came the walls, but the door remained standing. Walking behind the door, Malon opened it then walked casually though and back again. "Ta da! All fixed!" Turning around she realised she'd destroyed the rest of it. "Oops…"
Moving onto the main house, they found Talon sleeping on the floor. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up to greet them.
"Well howdy, would you like to-"
Before he could finish they slapped the table mask on his face.
"You make a lovely piece of furniture daddy!" Malon exclaimed happily.
Majora needed a way to make these girls want to destroy the rest of Hyrule; he knew what to say.
"Hey girls, I heard Mr. Ingo has a crush on Link, you don't want that do you?"
"Whaaat?" Zelda huffed; this couldn't be allowed to happen. Link was hers!
Running out of the house, they spotted Ingo working in the fields. Grabbing a pitchfork, they ran straight for him.
"Link is mine!" Zelda screamed, "how dare you like him Ingo!"
"He's mine too!" Malon joined in. Ingo managed to dodge the pitchfork just thrown at him.
Rummaging through the mask bag, they brought out a mask: the blade of grass mask! Tossing it at Ingo's face, they giggled when he changed into a piece of grass and blew away on the wind.
"Another one bites the dust. Now Majora, tell us who else is after Link." Zelda demanded.
"Well…." Majora began. This was going to be too easy; soon all of Hyrule would be in chaos thanks to these Link-crazy girls.