Chapter 3: Of Sand and Sea
"Hmm, I see." Zelda said after Majora had filled them in on some interesting 'facts'. "So Nabooru likes Link, huh? We'll have to deal with that."
"We must go and uh, what's the word you use when you want to get rid of someone?" Malon asked.
"Annihilate?" Zelda suggested.
"No..." Malon thought harder.
"Obliterate?" Zelda dove deeper into her vast vocabulary.
"No, not that either," Malon sighed, then shrugged. "I'll tell you later when I remember."
If she could have, the princess would have rolled her eyes. Deciding to forget it, they headed out of the ranch to make their way to Gerudo Valley.
Deep within Gerudo Fortress, Nabooru was busily playing her new games console. Flicking the control stick up and down while bashing the buttons, she laughed wickedly.
"Haha! Take that Ganon you evil pig!" Slamming her finger onto another button, she smiled. "This game is great; it has me in it! Crap, I'm out of magic, must find more!" Suddenly, there was a knock at her door. Pausing the game, she got up to answer it.
"Lady Nabooru, there's a strange guest here to see you." One of the Gerudo women informed her.
"Uh-oh, strange guest you say? Must be the taxman, I told him I'd have the rupees next week! NEXT WEEK! Sheesh, those people never listen!" Shoving past the woman, Nabooru went to deal with the mess.
"Um...I don't think it's the taxman, unless he had serious plastic surgery." The woman shrugged when she realised no one was listening to her. Spotting the paused game, she picked up the controller; someone might as well play.
Stomping her way through the fortress, Nabooru arrived outside.
"What the heck?" She asked when she saw the monster before her. "You the new taxman? Well look, there's been a mixu-"
"Nabooru! Did you or did you not make a pass at Link?" The creature shrieked, interrupting the Gerudo's sentence.
"Um what?" Nabooru stared stupidly at the thing; this had to be some kind of sick joke.
"Answer the question!" It demanded.
"Erm, I called him handsome once..."
"Aaaaaahhhh!" Zeldalonjora screamed with rage. "Blast her head off!" Zelda yelled.
"You're not the boss of me!" Malon rudely replied, "but I'll try that anyway." Raising her arm, she attempted to blast Nabooru but only a puff of smoke came out of her hand.
"Gah, we're low on magic; let's strangle her!" Zelda dragged them forward.
Gulping, Nabooru hurried back into the fortress; hopefully she could lose them amongst the maze of rooms. Dashing into the first corridor, Zeldalonjora ran along it screaming inaudible words while spinning their arms around like a propeller. Entering one of the cellar rooms, Malon squealed with delight when they came across some pots.
"Whooo pots!" Grabbing one, Malon tossed it against the wall. A swarm of bees buzzed angrily out.
"Eep, run!" Zelda shouted. Running up the corridor, they bumped into a flustered Nabooru who started running the other way as soon as she saw them.
Diving into an empty room and locking the door, they all sighed, until the girls realised they'd caught their victim.
"Now we've got you! Let us do battle." Zeldalonjora began flailing its arms wildly in the air hoping to land a hit on Nabooru who just stood there.
"You know, you're really bad at this," Nabooru yawned. Taking the chance while she had dropped her guard, they reached inside the mask bag and brought out...
"The wallpaper mask?" Zelda asked as Malon slapped it on Nabooru's face. The Gerudo morphed into a lovely shade of pink patterned wallpaper.
"Yeah, we destroyed her! Oh! That was the word I wanted, destroy!" Malon giggled happily.
Zelda groaned, "I guess this place could use decorating anyway."
"It could use more fashionable decorating than this ugly pink," Majora complained.
"Don't look at me; you're the one who brought the mask," Zelda shot back.
"So how are we going to get out of here, anyway?" Majora asked. "I'm allergic to bees."
"Zelda and I can distract them while you go the other way!" Malon squealed.
"That doesn't make any sense," Zelda argued. "There must be another way out."
"Hey look, a toilet!" Malon exclaimed. "Anybody else need to go?"
"Now that you mention it, I'm feeling a little full in the gut," Majora replied.
"That's because we have the same - hey...the toilet!" Zelda remarked.
"Yes, it's a toilet," Majora observed.
Zelda shuffled through the mask bag, tossing aside useless ones. Not the brick mask, not the nuclear warhead mask, definitely not the moon mask...
"Here! The sardine mask!" Zelda shouted, holding up the tiny mask.
"I like sardines," Malon commented. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom." She pulled them over to the toilet, sitting down on it. Zelda quickly pulled the flush lever and slapped the sardine mask on their face, causing them to shrink into a tiny fish shape with three heads, plopping into the swirling waters.
"What are you doooing?" Majora shrieked as they were spun around in the bowl.
"All drains lead to Lake Hylia," Zelda yelled over the roaring water. "And you know who lives there."
"THE LAB GUY!" Malon gasped. "I always wondered what Link was doing in there!"
Zeldalonjora was swept into the plumbing, and they shot down the narrow pipes. Suddenly they were blinded with sunlight; the walls of the pipe disappeared from around them. The sardine flew out over Gerudo Valley, hurtling towards the rushing river below.
"Yaaaay skydiving!" Malon screeched. They hit the surface of the river, and she continued her screams underwater. "Hey! I can breath underwater! This sardine deal is sooo cool!"
A runaway boulder promptly smashed the three-headed sardine into the mud at the bottom of the river. Zeldalonjora struggled to reach a fin up to their faces to snatch off the mask, letting it stay at the bottom of the river. They transformed back into the monster they had been before and floated downstream, tumbling into Lake Hylia.
"Thanks for helping us get past those bees," Majora said to Zelda. "I swear, those things scare me to death."
"Hey look! A bumble bee!" Malon chirped, tickling it with a finger. "Isn't it so sweet?"
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!" Majora screamed, dragging Malon out of the water in haste. "Quick, to the lab!"
"It's too far! We'll never make it!" Zelda whimpered.
Majora quickly tossed a random mask at the bumble bee. It instantly grew to the size of a horse, growing large metal plates of armor. The stinger glistened red in the sunlight.
"Can I help you?" The Lab Guy asked the swollen red blob squeezing through the door of the lab.
"You've been doing things with Link in here, haven't you?" Zelda accused, wincing in pain from the full-body mechanical bumble bee sting.
"I like to watch him dive," whispered The Lab Guy dreamily. He popped a frog eye into his mouth.
"Did he just eat what I think he just ate?" Majora asked.
"I want the other one!" Malon pleaded.
"Enough! We're on a mission to eliminate all threats to my future marriage with Link!" Zelda shouted.
"Mine too!" Malon added.
"So you're going down!" Majora finished. They fished out the brick mask and smashed it on The Lab Guy's face, tossing him to the bottom of the pool.
"I've always wanted to go this deep," The Lab Guy Brick exclaimed with joy.
"Maybe we should give him something else," Zelda wondered. A shark at the bottom of the pool suddenly snapped up the brick, giving a loud underwater burp. "Never mind then. Majora, where next?"
Princess Ruto was brushing her fins, looking in the mirror on her bedroom wall. Her father, King Zora, was singing in the shower again.
"Daddy, could you please shut up? I'm trying to look good for when my fiancé comes back!" Ruto yelled down the hallway.
"Well excuuuse me, princess," King Zora sang back at her. "I'm trying to look good for my date tonight."
Ruto didn't even want to know who the date was. "You can look good without singing," she shot back, instantly regretting phrasing it that way.
"Why, thank you, Ruto," King Zora replied, and he stopped singing.
Ruto continued brushing, thankful at least that it had worked. Little did she know that her unruly fins were the least of her worries.