Chapter 4: A Fishy...Something
Leaving the lab, Majora pointed to the opposite side of the lake where the fishing pond was situated.
"I hear there's someone there who has a liking for Link." The mask mentally chuckled to itself as the girls started to wonder who lived there.
Frolicking over the grass, they entered the fishing pond door where they found the owner standing behind the counter, scratching an armpit. He glanced up in surprise to find a customer other than that blond kid coming in.
"Ooo pretty," Malon commented on the serene atmosphere of the place. "Me and Link will have to come here on a date someday."
"Yeah sure, after I bring him here first." Zelda smirked, or tried to anyway. Dragging them over to the counter, she eyed the fisherman suspiciously. "Was Link here?"
The man stared at them blankly; it wasn't everyday a freak with a personality split three ways spoke to him.
"Who's Link?" He lamely asked.
Both girls gasped in horror while Majora just rolled its eyes.
"Only the Hero of Time, best swordsman in all of Hyrule, my one true love!" Zelda yelled angrily. How could this guy not know Link? Everyone should know him!
"He's the hottest guy in the kingdom! And MY one true love!" Malon squealed a squeal that could put fan girls to shame.
"No, he's mine!" Zelda snapped.
"Nuh-uh, mine!" Malon replied.
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"MINE!" Majora butted in on the argument.
"Uh right, whatever." Zelda huffed. This wasn't the time to argue even if Link was so totally hers. Leaning forward, she sniffed the man's shirt. "Ah ha! Link has been here, I can smell him on you!"
Taking a sniff too, Malon wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Zelda, that's fish! Are you saying Link smells of fish?"
"No...but Majora said this guy liked Link so I assumed...Hey Majora!" She turned her attention to the spirit of the mask. "Why did you say he liked Link if he doesn't even know him?"
"I, um." Majora thought it had been caught out but quickly recovered. "He does like Link, he'd like to destroy him since he's so good looking!"
Another shocked gasp escaped Malon. "Y-you killed Link and buried his body in the pond because you were jealous, didn't you?"
"What! You're crazy, you walking circus, get out of my pond!" The man ordered them to leave.
"He has guilt written all over his face." Zelda accused. Pointing towards the pond, she screamed with rage. "Treason!"
Running into the water, they began flinging up the sand in an attempt to find Link.
"How the heck would it be treason?" Majora asked a furious Zelda.
"Plotting to kill my future husband and maybe actually doing it is treason to me!" She flung another cluster of dirt through the air.
"Ouch!" The man yelped as the sign with the rules on smacked into his face followed by a series of wriggling fish. "I need to remember to add a new rule to that sign 'No throwing rule sign at the owner'."
"I don't think Link is in here..." Malon gave up on the crazed digging.
"You're right, I bet he hid the body elsewhere." Zelda pulled them back to the counter then grabbed the man by the collar. "Where is he!"
"I've had enough of this!" The man took out a rod. "If you won't leave then I'll just have to force you to."
Jumping over the counter, he held the rod in front of him like a sword.
"We'll see about that." Zelda brought out another rod from within her clothes.
"Where did you get that?" Malon curiously asked.
"I don't know, it was just there. Does everything need an explanation?" Zelda frowned. Farm girl probably needed a map of the back of her hand or whatever, the princess couldn't think of a better inside joke for herself to laugh at right then. "Hiyaaah!" She screamed lunging towards the owner who avoided the attack.
In a frenzy of rods, the two...or four, slashed and hacked around the edge of the pond; neither would give in.
"Zelda this is stupid, do that spin thing Link likes to do." Snatching the rod from Zelda's hand, Malon began to spin around and around and around some more.
"Malon, you're such a dorkwad." Zelda groaned as she felt dizziness overtaking her. A moment later and Zeldalonjora was laying on the ground.
"Looks like I win." The man pointed his rod at their throat.
"No way." Zelda reached into the mask bag, managing to grab the closest mask she could. Tossing it up at his face, she smiled when it clasped on.
"Argghhh!" The owner cried as his body twisted into the shape of a lure, Zelda had used the Sinking Lure Mask.
"Heh, aren't you illegal?" Zelda threw the lure into the pond.
"I guess he hid Link in another part of Hyrule." Malon sulked. "Any ideas Majora?"
Sorting through the list of people in Hyrule in its mind, Majora nodded. "Yes, let us go now, to Zora's Domain!"
Princess Ruto threw her father down to the ground, wheezing.
"Daddy, you really need to lose weight or get a wheelchair or artificial legs or something," Ruto complained. "I can't carry you around forever, you know."
"If I tried to get here on my own, it would take at least a week," King Zora explained. "Wheelchairs are too small and artificial legs are too expensive. It's my duty to the Zora community to be fat. It helps guard the shrine."
"Why are you meeting your date in front of Jabu Jabu anyway?" Ruto asked. "It's a shrine. Nobody has a date in a shrine."
"Oh, he doesn't mind. Isn't that wight, my wittle Zabu Zabu!" King Zora giggled. Ruto broke into a run and escaped back into Zora's Domain.
Her fiancé would come any day and sweep her off her feet; she knew it. Ever since their last meeting in the Water Temple, Ruto knew Link was the one for her. She had disappeared out of embarrassment after showing him the way and then spied on him the rest of the time. Such a sharp young man, figuring out all the puzzles and traps she had designed to make his stay longer. She was disappointed when he fixed everything and Zora's Domain eventually unfroze; she had hoped to live with him alone in the Water Temple forever.
So what if all this had happened in the future? Their hearts were bound across time by a thread of -
"RUTO!!" shouted a voice. Ruto detected that it was a combination of Zelda, Malon, and someone who sounded like her old dance teacher.
"Present," Ruto made herself known. "Is Link here to pick me up?" She turned around to face a beautiful monster with a heart-shaped face and a mixture of clothing. "Or are you here for my father?"
"So it's true!" Zelda screeched. "You've been going out with Link!"
"Why would we be here for your..." Majora started, trailing off in a whimper.
"He's good in bed," Malon commented.
"Malon! How dare you!" Zelda shouted. "You think Link deserves someone like you? I'm gonna kill you first chance I get!" Zelda's hand tore at the sleeve on Malon's arm. The creature tripped itself and rolled around in the water. Majora gasped and gurgled in the water, trapped between two angry girls.
"How dare you rip my designer clothing??" Malon screamed.
"Who designed it? A cow?" Zelda laughed.
"That's why I don't wear clothes," Ruto concluded. Zeldalonjora stopped fighting abruptly.
"What do you do with Link?" Zelda asked in horror.
"Nothing big," Ruto described. "He used to carry me around on his head a lot. But don't worry, it's ok. We're engaged."
"AAAAHHHH!!!" Zeldalonjora dove at Ruto, pinning her to the ground and holding her head under the shallow layer of water.
"You know, I can breathe underwater." Ruto gurgled.
Malon scrambled for the mask bag and tore out the Smart Person Mask. Splashing it underwater onto Ruto's face, Zeldalonjora hopped backwards, allowing room for the transformation. Instead, Ruto simply exploded, sending bits of fried fish everywhere.
"Maybe it wasn't possible," Malon suggested.
Suddenly a piercing wail echoed through the hall above, followed by a groan and high-pitched laughter. Zelda looked at Malon - or in other words, Zeldalonjora looked at itself - with an expression of both fright and interest. The trio cautiously climbed the long staircase, rounded a corner, and went through an open gate. The noises seemed to be coming from the area just outside the cave.
Zeldalonjora peered around the corner to see King Zora energetically kissing the fat lips of Jabu Jabu, crying out passionately in between.
"If he would make out with a giant whale that can't talk, what are the chances that he was romantically involved with Link?" Majora proposed.
"It makes me so mad just thinking about Link and King Zora together," Zelda fumed.
"Why? He's good in bed," Malon repeated.
"Malon, you are angry at him and you WILL destroy him," ordered Majora.
"AAAHHH I'M ANGRY!!!" Malon screamed, startling King Zora. Of course, all he could do was slowly turn in an attempt to see his attackers. Before his face moved an inch, the wrath of Zeldalonjora was upon him. He shrank and transformed into a tiny snail.
"Yay I can go fast!" King Zora exclaimed, trailing along in an attempt to escape. Jabu Jabu's mouth opened.
"Run!" Majora yelled. Zeldalonjora dove off the platform into the water as King Zora was sucked off the surface of the stone patio into Jabu Jabu's wide open mouth.
"Hey...I heard Link walked around inside Jabu Jabu when he was having the affair with Princess Ruto," Malon gasped as they came up for air.
"Where did you hear that?" Zelda complained.
"Link told me one day when we were having a picnic at the ranch."
"You had a picnic with him and he never told me?" Zelda screamed in a rage.
"You were there too," Malon lied. "You were just staring at him the whole time. Didn't hear a word."
"Oh," Zelda muttered, blushing.
"Well, let's take care of the big fish, then," Majora concluded. "Probably enjoyed every second of the time Link walked around inside his body."
Majora whipped out the ice block mask, slapping it on the fleshy middle of Jabu Jabu's face. Nothing happened.
"It doesn't fit," Malon pointed out.
"Then we'll just have to MAKE it fit!" Zelda shouted. The trio pushed as hard as they could against the side of Jabu Jabu's face, smashing it against the nearby rock formation until the mask was able to slip on easily. Jabu Jabu transformed into a giant block of ice, and Zora's Fountain froze over.
"Good. Now, let's go," Zelda ordered. "I've heard something about Link getting hugs over at Death Mountain."