Chapter 5: Cooking Up a Vortex
Zeldalonjora looked over the peaceful town of Kakariko, giggling at the oblivious inhabitants going about their nighttime routines within their homes. Crickets chirped in the surrounding hills, and Death Mountain rumbled in the distance. The mountain could wait; they had just discovered a gold mine of people to accuse.
"Three shadow beauties...UNITE!" Majora shouted. Zeldalonjora span around and did a disco pose in the moonlight.
"Wa-cha!" Malon added for effect.
"This is not fair," Zelda whimpered. "What if somebody sees me doing these embarrassing dance moves?"
"Relax," Majora reassured. "WE'LL DESTROY THEM ALL!!"
"...Yay!" Malon whispered. "Can we burn them?"
"Be my guest," Majora answered. "Looks like we're starting to run a little low on masks. Let's save them for the really important people."
"I brought my easy bake oven," Malon squealed. Majora cut her off by slicing through the nearest house with a plasma laser, setting it on fire. "...That works too."
"Yes...yessss...I'm...getting...soooo...PUMPED!" Zelda shouted, laughing maniacally. "DIE, PERVS!"
Zeldalonjora screeched with glee, shooting lasers at random buildings and setting them ablaze. Flames and screams filled the night air.
"Take that, bizarre guy!" Malon screamed. "The nerve! Having his shirt off when Link was in the room!"
"Um, it's 'bazaar', not 'bizarre'," Zelda corrected.
"No offense, but he's pretty bizarre too," Majora offered, blasting the lookout tower.
"You! You gave Link a piece of your heart, freak!" Zelda growled, spotting a man cowering on a rooftop. She blasted a hole through his chest. "Not so big and manly without your three-fourths of a heart, huh? HUH? AHAHAHAHA!!"
"Dang, Zelda," Malon commented. "Way to join the dark side."
"Aren't you going to welcome me?" Zelda stuck out her tongue.
An explosion caught the attention of all three. A black shape shot out of the well, disappearing into the sky. Stars were blotted out in the darkness.
"It's that shadow who attacked Link and me!" Zelda screamed. "I mean, Sheik and me! I mean, Zelda and me! I mean...aaagghh!"
"How does a shadow attack you?" Malon wondered, trying to scratch her head but accidentally poking Majora in the eye.
"I don't know, enveloping us in darkness?" Zelda threw out. "How else would a featureless blob attack us?"
"Wait...so that shadow touched my Linky-poo?" Malon whimpered.
"He's not your Linky-poo, he's my Linky-p...I mean, he belongs to me!" Zelda grunted.
"Enough!" Majora shouted, rubbing its eye. "It sees us! Or it just happens to be moving towards us right now. It could be sliding backwards, I suppose..."
"Back off, sicko freak monster!" Malon shouted at the shadow, shooting fire beams through it with no success.
"That's not doing anything," Zelda grumbled. "Don't you watch tv? Everyone knows you can only defeat giant shadows with the electromagnetic sonar emission mask!"
She slapped on the mask and Zeldalonjora grew into a giant satellite dish, letting out high-pitched noises and bolts of electricity.
"Nooo!! It burns!! Oh, the horror!!" the shadow wailed, sizzling into nothing. "...Whoa, I can talk."
There was a dinging sound behind them. They turned around to find the Impacycle revving its chains and kicking up dust, preparing to charge at them.
"That's the last straw!" it screamed somehow. "You just killed my one true love!"
"Don't be so emo, Impa. It was cheating on you anyway," Zelda filled her in. Impa's kickstand broke, causing her to fall over in a massive explosion. "I guess that takes care of that. Now...there's got to be more where that shadow came from. Link told me stories of rotting hands grabbing him down there."
"Down there?" Malon cried.
"Erm, I meant down in the well," Zelda said awkwardly.
Zeldalonjora walked over to the broken well, staring down into the darkness.
"You're sure Link went down there?" Malon asked. "It's just a dumb well. It looks like something I'd have tea parties in. You know, if I was homeless."
"You are homeless, Malon," Zelda reminded her.
"Oh, right," Malon piped. "Well, then, what are we waiting for?"
Zeldalonjora struggled down the ladder, trying to coordinate movements in the dark.
"Zelda, stop hitting me!" Malon complained.
"I'm not hitting you," Zelda sighed. "My hand's on the ru - Wait. I'm not hitting you...Majora can't hit you...OH MY GOSH SOMETHING'S DOWN HERE!"
"Oh, wait, that was me," Malon commented.
"Stop arguing, you two," Majora commanded. "We're at the bottom."
"It s-s-sure is d-dark down h-here," Zelda shuddered.
"Dim lights are great for romantic tea par - " Malon started.
"Shh!" Majora cut her off. "We don't want them to hear us. We'll sneak in like ninjas."
"Yay!" Malon exclaimed, shivering with excitement. "...Can we be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Koopas?"
"No," Majora hissed. "Shut up."
"I'm sorry, my prince," Malon apologized, rubbing her Bowser pendant.
Suddenly the trio stepped in the wrong place and plummeted to certain death. Well, it would have been certain death, but Majora's awesome ninja skills saved the day. Shooting spider webs from his fingers, he soared through the rotting air, landing face-first in an acidic pool of hands.
"Die die die die!" Malon screamed, karate chopping the nearest arm repeatedly.
"Noo, my perfect face!" Zelda whimpered. "The acid is eating away my nose job!"
"It's not your face," Majora groaned. "It's mine."
"Oh. Sweet! So, how are we going to get out of this pit?" Zelda asked, looking around at the rainbow torches and walking corpses. "...Oh. My. Gosh. SILVER FLIPPIN' RUPEES. I NEED I NEED!"
Zelda tossed the three at the nearest floating rupee, only to find that it disappeared with a catchy arrangement of notes played through speakers in the ceiling. They ran around the room, jumping on Redeads and grabbing at silver rupees. Finally, when the last one disappeared, there was a rumbling sound high above. A ladder fell through a small hole in the ceiling.
"Oh lookie, a highly advanced teleportation device!" Malon squealed with joy.
"Uh, Malon, it's a ladder," Zelda pointed out.
"No, it's a teleportation device!" the redhead insisted.
"No, it's a-" Zelda started but was cut off by Majora, who was growing impatient; these two could start an argument in an empty room.
"Just let her have her 'teleportation device' and let's get going!" it dragged them towards the ladder and the instant they touched it, it warped them away in a whirlwind of fairy dust and fried chicken.
"Yay, teleportation here we go!" Malon smirked while Zelda was lost for words.
"Where did this chicken come from?" Majora grabbed one out of the air and took a bite.
"Ew, tastes like horse poop...not that I know what that tastes like," the ranch girl chuckled nervously.
When the magical ride of...magic, was over, they had been warped to a room filled with rows of desks and a blackboard at the front. At each desk sat pairs of redeads, floor masters and one even had the ghost of Princess Ruto sat sulking behind it. Moving through the room, they were about to ask if anyone had seen Link when a dead hand came flouncing out of another door, a pink stick of lipstick in one of its long, white hands. Moving to the front, it eyed the room with its dark, hollow eyes.
"And who might you be?" it asked, in a cold, raspy voice.
"Us?" Malon blinked.
"I don't see any other scary freaks in the room."
"Listen weirdo, we aren't here for chit-chat! Where is Link!" Zelda shouted, not in the mood to be talked down to by something that had been dead longer than the universe had existed.
"Well, if you want your answers, you'll have to stay for our lessons. So take a seat! School is now in session." the dead hand grabbed a piece of chalk and began scribbling on the board.
"This is ridiculous, Link is obviously not here," Majora shifted the three of them towards the door, only to be stopped by one of dead hand's arms.
"I said, school. Is. In. Session! Meaning nobody leaves until it is over. Now take a seat next to Rudolph and Roger at the back there," the dead hand pointed at two redeads sitting at the back of the room, one of them with a large stick shoved up its nose.
"Fine, let's get this over with," Zelda mumbled, leading herself and the others to the desk.
"Today's lessons will include: neck sucking for dummies, moaning and yes, there will even be dropping down and crushing people for the wall masters among us. But firstly, I want to give you a general knowledge test."
"Psst, wanna go out with me?" The redead with a stick up its nose whispered to them.
"Ew, no!" Zelda screamed.
"I think we should take him up on the offer, he looks like a good kisser," Majora said just to annoy the girls. "Want my number?" It leaned over to the redead.
"Don't be so stupid!" Zelda hissed, pulling them back into their seat.
"Now, what is 1 + 1?" The dead hand asked as it wrote on the board.
"1 + 1 equals me and Link forever!" Malon exclaimed.
"No, it equals me and Link forever!" Zelda yelled over the ranch girl.
"I thought it equalled 2," Majora mumbled.
"2 is correct!" The dead hand applauded Majora. "Would you like a star to stick on your shirt as a reward?"
"Erm, not really."
"Not even a pretty pink one with glitter on?"
"Well...I am partial to shiny pink things, so sure!" Majora stuck the star in the centre of their clothing.
"Brainbox," the wall master in front snickered to its neighbour.
"Now we will concentrate on our 1 times tables."
"This is ridiculous, I'm too smart to be in this place!" Zelda stood up, ready to leave without being stopped this time.
"Yeah, you're up to your 2 times tables, aren't you Zelda?" Malon laughed.
"3 actually!" She smiled proudly. "Now, let's get out of here and find my true love."
"We'd need a mirror for that," Majora chuckled to itself.
"What did I tell you about leaving class early?" The dead hand grabbed Zeldalonjora by the back of its collar.
"You said...this!" Malon shot a laser towards the teacher. Ducking just in time, it missed the dead hand and shattered the black board in half to revel a picture of Link, smothered in kisses which were the same colour as the dead hand's lipstick.
"I knew it!" Zelda fumed. "You kidnapped Link and trapped him in that picture so you could kiss him to death! It's ok my darling, I'm coming to save you!" The princess lunged towards the dead hand.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about. I've never seen that boy before in my life, or death!" The dead hand backed slowly into a corner.
"Hmm, which mask should we use to punish this terrible monster?" Majora looked into the bag but couldn't see an appropriate mask.
"While you look for one I'll make us some cakes using my easy bake oven!" Malon squealed, taking out her precious oven. "Poor Link must be so hungry, being trapped in there for so long." Tugging at the door, she got a shock when they found a swirling vortex of doom inside. "I forgot that was there."
"Give it here!" Zelda snatched the oven and threw it at the dead hand.
Instantly, the vortex sucked up anything it could reach. Chairs, desks, the ghost of Ruto and all the students flew around the room until the oven sucked them into the depths of the unknown. The dead hand tried desperately to cling onto the wall but it was no good, the vortex pulled it and the Link picture into the void.
"Aaah no!" Malon yelled, grabbing the picture. "I've got you Link!"
"I don't think so," Zelda swiped the picture from Malon to discover that it was in fact, a picture with no magical spells attached to it. "Bah, you can have it," she threw it back at Malon. "You'll need it more than me when we find the real thing anyway."
The oven closed with a merry 'dinging' sound and that was that.
"But how do we get out of here?" Malon asked, not seeing any more teleportation devices in sight.
"Easy!" Majora pulled out the Rocket Shoes Mask. Placing it over their face, they found a pair of super deluxe rocket shoes on their feet. "Now, let's blast out of here and away to Death Mountain!"
"Wheeee!" Malon giggled as they blasted through the ceiling of the room, out into the mess that was Kakariko Village.
"Link just has to be somewhere on the mountain," Zelda stared at the huge Death Mountain. "Watch out Darunia, I'm coming to put an end to your Goron hugs!"