"Oh, Bella." Jacob's voice was soft, gentle. His hand stroked my hair, fire on chill. I sighed.
"Jacob. I'm not going to...let this..." I tried to make my voice strong but failed miserably.
He glared, his eyes softening as mine had but better, more...controlled. "You don't need to..." His voice trailed off, unsure. He continued, stronger. Took a deep breath and I saw the mask slip over his face, guarding. "You're not over him. You shouldn't have to--" His mask almost broke, and he stopped. Looked away from me, to the floor.
"I'm not doing what you're thinking, Jake. No way." That was one thing I was sure of; whatever I did, it would not involve hurting Jacob, who had saved me so much pain and hurt, comforted me and made me so happy.
"But--"
"Jake."
He sighed, his shoulders slumped down. But he smiled; only himself. "Bella...Oh, Bella. I love you." He kissed my forehead; I put my head to his warm chest.
I thought of what I had promised myself, and therefore Jacob. I didn't regret it, wish I hadn't. I just didn't know what to think, now that I haven't even seen Edward in two days, not smelled his scent or seen any of his family. I sometimes wished, with some parts of me, that Alice or even Emmett would come, so I could see them. They were so good to me, like sister and brother, at least before they left. But something told me that they didn't want to. Maybe Edward made them--I don't see how that's possible, though.
But then again...Jacob's treaty with the vampires, not to mention their perpetual hate towards each other, made a situation where I was friends with them both, vampire family and werewolf pack, unsustainable. And I didn't want to give Jacob up, couldn't, with the promise I made myself. Unless he told me to. Unless he didn't want me anymore. Which was unthinkable for me, at least, but what if he imprinted? What if he just...tired of my broken heart, newly severed, and, well, just everything--well...then I would leave. I would deal with whatever it caused me, because Jacob was just too good to hurt, impose upon, or anything. Pure good, no hint of evil in him, no hint of hate, except towards those he was meant to kill.
But I've already given the Cullens, including Edward, up. Let them go. So it's not like I have to give something up if I don't choose them. While, Jacob...I can't loose him.
"Have you seen him again?" Jacob's voice was quiet, wary. I hadn't told him...well, it just hadn't come up. And I didn't want to open up old wounds.
"No," I whispered. "No."
He held me tighter. "Do you want to?" He asked, and then added quickly, "I have to know, Bella. Tell me the truth. I can take it."
"I...I...dunno, Jake. I really don't know."
"Bella, please."
"I...just..." I sighed. I honestly didn't know what to say. "I do, but then I don't. Then I do, then I don't, then I want to because I miss him, then I hate him and want him gone, forever, like I thought he was, and for him to let me get on with my life."
"I'm confused. Do you or don't you?" Jacob laughed, but it was quiet and short.
I thought for a second. If I did see him again, and talked, and he said...whatever he said, I would have to make a choice. Either way, it would be so easy. Kiss him, tell him never to leave. Or tell him to get the hell out of the life I've made without him. But I already chose. It's so easy. Is it? Did I really? Do I want to take that choice back, change my mind?
"I don't. Jacob, I can't."
"Can't what?"
"Jake...please. I don't know anything. What if I do see him again? What am I going to do?" I was almost frantic, suddenly. Jacob let go of me and looked me in the eyes, alarmed.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"I don't know!" I wailed. "What should I do?" I was getting more panicky by the second. I don't know where this came out of. Just the blue.
"Bella, calm down. Relax. He sat me down on the couch, and plopped down next to me.
"Okay." I sighed. "Okay." My bout of hysteria over, I leaned into him.
"If you see him...Oh, God, Bella. You're killing me. Just do what you have to do..." He said this painfully, slowly. I could see the fire in his eyes dim a bit.
"What do I have to do!"
"Bella! I don't know! What do you want me to say! Go to him? Stay with him? Leave me? Do you want me to give you the easy choice? Let you do it? What do you want me to do?" He was yelling, his frame shaking like I haven't seen in a long time. I stopped breathing, amazed that he'd taken it like that and terrified of what would happen if he lost control.
"Jacob. Calm down, please, breathe, Jake, breathe."
"Yeah. Calm. Right." His breath rushed out in a whoosh and the shaking subsided. I sighed in relief. His eyes hardened.
"You actually think I'd hurt you, Bella?" His voice was controlled, no danger of that, but cold. I fell back against the cushions and covered my face in my hands at how I'd messed this up.
"I'm not your perfect vampire. If you want him, just leave." He looked away, his voice still cold and distant.
"And find him? Great chance of that."
"That's the only thing stopping you? Well, sorry, but I'm not going to go out and find him for you."
"I never asked you to!" He was being completely unreasonable. I told him so.
"I'm being unreasonable? Me?" He asked incredulously. "Bella, I think you're seriously deluded."
"I'm deluded?" I was shouting now. If I were a werewolf I'd be shaking like crazy now. "You're the one giving me mixed messages and not helping me when I really need you!"
The iciness and distance suddenly disappeared from Jacob's face, and he turned towards me, lifting his arms slightly.
"I don't want to fight with you, Bella. I just...never mind. Just please, don't torture me. I'm not that strong." His voice cut me to the core, soft and vulnerable. I realized just how much he was hurting, even when Edward was gone, we thought forever. It was just like me. And I was the one with the power to hurt him, or make him happy.
This wasn't a good thought for me. I didn't want to be responsible for him, for his happiness. And neither did he.
--
I was in the store, again. Walking past the pasta aisle, again. I wasn't buying anything, just...passing time. In the supermarket. Which is really sad, I know. But I had nothing else to do while Jacob was patrolling. I had tried calling Angela, but she hadn't answered.
And I smelled it, again. A sense of deja vu overwhelmed me, but I knew it wasn't just that. He was here, and for real. Not a ghost in the moonlight, a real live (well maybe not live) alabaster vampire, standing in front of me, staring at me, and unreadable expression in his newly fed topaz eyes.
"Bella?" His voice and his eyes didn't dazzle me like they used to. They smoldered, but uselessly, because I knew he was trying. That just made me hate him more with an unexplainable force.
"Edward." I looked at him coolly. He faltered for a second.
"How are you doing?" The velvet voice made me long for the deep husky one I loved.
"Fine. Good. Great." I said, changing my mind with each word, determined to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I was glad he couldn't read my thoughts.
"Good. Great," He said, but his eyes said something else. Or maybe I was just paranoid, looking for something because I want to see it. I couldn't tell if he was mocking me or not.
"And you?" I asked, determined to keep this polite and distanced. He sighed.
"Bella--"
"And Alice? Emmett?" I said quickly.
"They're fine," He said patronizingly, or at least that's how it seemed to me. I turned and grabbed a bag of pasta randomly, even though I wasn't going to buy anything before.
"Bella. Please. I just want to talk to you." He actually sounded sincere and desperate.
"Okay...what?"
He just looked at me, his expression eerily familiar to Jacob's earlier in the day.
"Bella..."
"What, Edward?"
"Why?"
"Why what? Why did I make a life for myself out of the pitiful remains you left me? Do you have any idea--no, you don't. Because you're the one doing the leaving. You don't know what it's like to be the left."
"I never wanted to hurt you. I did it for you." What? What was he talking about? For me?
"And that's why you said you didn't want me? That's why you hated me, left me in the woods to...die, unless Sam had found me?"
"Sam? No, Bella...I was lying."
"Lying. Sure."
"Yes, I was!"
"You're a pretty good liar then, Edward." I said it coldly and started walking away.
"Wait! Bella."
"What? I need to go."
He looked surprised, which pissed me off.
"This isn't what you're expecting, is it, Edward? Well I'm sorry. I made a new life. One your not a part of." It took all my effort to walk away from his shocked form.
And right into Jacob two aisles away.
"Bella! Thank God, I smelled bloodsucker, are you okay?"
I sighed, leaned into his warm body. "Yes."
"Who is it--oh God."
"No, Jake, don't worry--" But he was already stalking off in the exact direction of Edward, who I bet was still standing by the pasta. I followed, not wanting a confrontation between them, especially with Jacob so high strung and angry. And with what happened when he got too angry. The Forks store on a Saturday was not the best place to explode into a giant wolf in.
"Jake--" I called, but he didn't turn. I ran after him. He stopped suddenly, causing me to run into him from behind. He spun around, wrapped his arms around me protectively. Snarled loudly, and shoppers nearby looked at him with that look that, you know. People looked at crazy people like that.
"Jacob. Please." Jacob ignored my protests, and glared at Edward, whose stance was defensive and whose nose was crinkling, like he smelled something bad. Jacob too. But that I knew, he thought they stunk. As for me, I was surrounded by a cloud of pine, sugar, and dirt. Guess which I preferred?
"What the hell are you doing here, bloodsucker?"
Edward looked surprised that Jacob knew what he was. Then it dawned on him. I saw it light up his face.
"Werewolf...I thought they were only legends." He mused, seemingly oblivious to the angry werewolf standing in front of him.
"This legend is going to rip you apart if you come anywhere near Bella again, ever." Jacob said murderously, and I didn't try to stop him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"What do I think I'm doing? This is my town, pup. My side of the treaty line."
"I'm not worrying about the damn treaty. I have someone to protect from it, here. Come on, Bells. Let's go." He almost spat in the direction of Edward.
"Excuse me?" Edward said, cold and dangerous. Jacob spun around, snarling. The hate was almost tangible in the air between them.
" 'Damn treaty'? This 'damn treaty' is what you live for, dog. Or what you won't." The threat in his voice made me want to smack him, hard, but I knew it wouldn't do anything, he wouldn't feel anything. He smiled a small smile.
"Jacob. I'm just trying to have a conversation with Bella. Can you let me do that?" Edward was playing the peacemaker, which infuriated Jacob even more.
"No I can't. Sorry, leech. I'm not leaving her alone with you for a second. You'll probably bite her, which is the last thing she wants." I wanted to protest, but I didn't know if I should. I didn't want that, did I?
Edward faltered. "Bella--" He pleaded. I never thought it would come to this, him at my mercy.
"But why--what do you want, Edward?" I was truly baffled. He left, so what could he possibly want from me?
"You." He said simply, as if Jacob wasn't standing right here. But his growling, which sounded strangely like a dog, or wolf, went up a notch in violence and volume.
"Me?" I said weakly. "Why?"
"We already covered this, Bella. I love you." He said it so simply, and it took me a second to realize it wasn't in the past tense.
"You're getting you're tenses confused, leech." Jacob said tensely. "If you loved her you would never have done that."
"Done what?"
"Left her! What did you think you were doing? That it was better for her? Do you have any idea?"
"Any idea of what?"
"Don't play stupid, bloodsucker. You know exactly what you did."
Edward suddenly held his head like he was in pain. I could see it, he was. Jacob smiled.
"What are you doing?" I demanded.
"Don't worry about it, Bella." Edward said, his voice tight, to me. At Jacob, he growled, "I don't need this, dog. I got it from Alice, and Charlie. I know." Edward continued to clutch his head until he looked up and glared at Jacob.
"Know what?" I asked. No one answered.
I looked quickly around and saw Mrs. Newton watching gleefully.
"Can we please take this somewhere else?" I asked quietly.
Edward hesitated, "I just want to talk to you--" but Jacob said "Yeah. Come on Bella." And walked outside. I kept walking to the ever-present forest and Jacob, and eventually Edward, followed me.
Edward started the second I stopped. "Bella, I know what I did was completely inexcusable, but--"
"I'm not excusing, Edward. It was inexcusable, and I'm not excusing, or forgetting, or forgiving. Maybe one day forgive, but I will never forget." A flare of anger rose up in me, and as much as it hurt me to see him suffer like that, I had to say it.
"I love you, Bella. I never stopped loving you. I left because I thought it would be good for you; I thought I was bad for you. What Alice told me...it killed me, Bella. I would have died if I could. I tried, believe me--" I felt a pang at that "--I tried. But Emmett's stronger than me..." He grimaced, lost in memories. I met his eyes. And they were so...I remembered what it was like, before. When he dazzled me past common sense and I loved him beyond anything.
"But you left her, you filthy parasite." Jacob's voice cut into my thoughts and memories and the connection between my and Edward's eyes.
"I highly doubt that," Edward said smugly, and he couldn't have been responding to what Jacob had said.
"What?"
"He thought--" Edward began. Jacob cut him off.
"I'll tell you later."
"Fine. Edward, what do you want?" I just wanted to go home and sleep. I was suddenly exhausted. I swayed; Jacob steadied me. Edward grimaced almost inconceivably.
"Never mind." He looked bitter. "You won't believe me anyways."
"What do you mean? Why not?"
"If I tell you that I still love you more than anything?" He glanced at me from under thick black eyelashes, the gold of his eyes contrasting darkly.
"See?" He said to my skeptical expression.
"No, I--"
"It's okay, Bella. Just go sleep, or something."
I hesitated; he turned to leave. "Wait, Edward--" He turned back, whipped around. Looked at me.
"Will I see you again?" I asked softly, if Edward were just a human he wouldn't have been able to hear it.
He looked agonized. Jacob growled. I ignored him. My heart pounded, and I knew they both heard.
"Maybe. If you want me." He said it like a question.
"I--"
"It's okay, Bella. It's okay." He looked so sad. I reached out, he flinched away, I pulled back, stung. He disappeared.
I leaned on Jacob, he wrapped his arms around me. Kissed the top of my head, breathed in deeply. I sighed. Pulled away slightly.
"I need to go home, Jake. Charlie will be worried..."
"I'll drive you."
"What about my car?"
"I'll get it later." I was too tired to protest. "Okay," I said, my voice barely more than whisper.
Jacob drove me home, silent the whole time. I was so tired, I couldn't talk, but what would I say, anyways? 'Leave so I can be happy with him,' 'Kill him for me,' 'Tell me you won't imprint, after I choose you.' That would be too much. I'll ask him about it later. He looked so sad, as if he knew that what he thought was coming, and I couldn't even reassure him that it wasn't. That killed me; it hurt him and killed me.
I knew I'd have to choose some time soon. But it was too clichéd, something that only happened in books. The girl chooses between two people, equally good. But the storybook girl always has something that makes her choice easier. One turns out to be bad. One dies. Neither of which I want.
"Bella?" Jacob's voice cut through my reverie.
"Hm?"
"We're here." I felt him move me gently. I unclipped the seatbelt and climbed slowly out. Jacob was there; his speed would have taken my breath away if I weren't so used to it. I started walking up to the house.
"Be careful, Bella. And--" He stopped. I looked back.
"Jake?" He walked a short step closer to me.
"Just don't...please just tell me, if you decide...I deserve that much, don't I?" He grinned but it disappeared almost instantly. "Let me say goodbye."
"Oh, Jake. I won't--I'm not just--" I stopped. I had nothing to say that I could.
"Just go." He turned and walked back to his car, not looking back.
"Bye," I said softly, but I knew he would hear. He jerked his head back. Looked into my eyes for a split second, and drove away.
"Bella?" Charlie's voice startled me, watching Jacob's car disappear around the curve of the road. "You okay?" He looked truly concerned.
"Yeah. Just tired."
"Go on up to bed. You hungry?"
"No."
"If you are later, just come down, I'll make you something." His thoughtfulness almost made me cry. Offering to make me something to eat was a big sacrifice for him, seeing as his talent in the kitchen was, well, pretty nonexistent.
" 'Kay." I walked upstairs and fell into bed without even taking off my coat.
Jacob's POV
I patrolled around Bella's house, just in case. I didn't usually; I thought it was unnecessary. I also didn't think she'd like it very much. She'd voiced her opinions about the subject before, and, well...Not that I didn't think she needed saving, just that she wasn't in danger. The bloodsuckers around had been virtually nil. Until those ones came back. The anger burned my spine at the thought of them, of him. I would have exploded if I weren't already a wolf, running.
The reek of leech burned my nose, my hackles immediately raised. Instinct. Just bloodsucker; the individual smells, at least of the animal-drinking ones, were hard to make out. The ones who ate humans were distinct enough from the Cullens to tell them apart.
This was a Cullen. And I doubt any other than the one I had the pleasure of meeting just today and has a bad habit of going through Bella's window, which was mysteriously open, would be here.
I phased and pulled on the clothes I had brought with me. I walked closer and saw a shadow zipping up the wall below Bella's window. I hesitated.
This was none of my business, and yet it was. She could talk to him, see him, but...what if he had changed his mind about changing her? What if he "dazzled" her and just--bit her? It was almost too hard to think about, and I focused on other things. I saw a shadow in her room, through the window, but it was too dark to see anything more. I made a split second decision and climbed up the tree into her room. She slept, soundly, quietly. I heard a slight laugh from behind me.
I spun around.
"What do you want?" I hissed.
He put a finger to his lips and looked pointedly over to Bella.
"I'm not the idiot here, leech."
"And how am I one?"
I just stared at him. How could he not know? "To leave her? How stupid can you get?"
He sighed, I liked the way he looked sad. It gave me satisfaction to know he was getting back some of the pain he caused Bella.
"That's real nice, Jacob." I was surprised that he actually used my name instead of dog, pup. "Like I wanted to."
"Um."
"I had no choice!" His eyes were fiery, his fists clenched. My impulse was to phase, but I couldn't let that happen.
"No choice! Yeah, right. I would never do that."
"And I wonder why that is. Think about why I left, you idiot! You don't care that much about her to do what I did."
I took a deep breath but the feather of heat was already traveling down my spine, heating, red-hot blaze over my vision, Bella's room seemed red-black. I made fists and squeezed my temples, breathing hard and thinking happy thoughts. Calm thoughts. Edward was smiling at me, and the sight of that just spurred on the transformation more. I shook, I concentrated, I thought, I didn't think. I tore my gaze away from him and to Bella, sleeping, so close to me, if I phased I could hurt her, I couldn't do that, I...
I love her, I can't...
The bloodsucker furrowed his brow; his eyebrows came together. "You do? You do. Who are you?"
"Not someone you'd want to be around when Bella isn't here too." I breathed the threat.
He laughed, just laughed. "Seriously."
"You really want to know? I think you already do. A werewolf. Your enemy. If you didn't know that, look who's stupid now."
"I know what you are, but who are you?"
"An old family friend."
He shook his head.
"Shut up." But it wasn't him. It was Bella. Sleeping?
"Jake--no, Edward, Jacob, stop, no, please, stop." Edward moved closer.
"Get away from her." I spat.
"And you can tell me--"
"No--my--those are my pants!"
I raised my eyebrows, Edward furrowed his.
"Get. Away. From. Her." I said it slowly, enunciating.
He moved back to his chair, I stood by the window. He probably didn't want to fight me now. I didn't particularly either.
I didn't know what to do. Stay, or leave her here with him? I didn't think he would change her quite yet.
I left, her room and my faith with him.
He wouldn't do anything. She promised--and he was putty in her hands, she wouldn't let him do anything that she didn't want him to. She promised to say goodbye.
The truth of what was happening crashed down on me with a huge force, suddenly. I hadn't fully grasped what was happening, what was going to happen.
She was going to leave, she was going to go with him, she was going to be one of them, she was going away from here, she was going to die. At least for me. She won't be Bella anymore, when she's one of them.
She promised.
Saying goodbye isn't staying.
She was leaving.
She loves me.
She loves him.
She won't leave.
She chose me once.
She'll choose him this time.
I don't know that. I don't know what is going to happen.
But I need to know. I can't wait. I just can't wait. I phased and ran, ran through the forest, blessing the fact that I was alone, peacefully alone, without Sam to try to make me think, Quil to tease me, Embry and his too-sympathetic thoughts. Paul, with his laughing at me for loving her, his disgust, his anger.
I ran away from her, away from him, trying to forget, at least for one night.