(Behold, the terror of our Rescue Team! Parody ho! Seriously, beware. And the origins of Kiddo's names. Both Damned Lolita and Kiddo... yup! So sit back and enjoy pure crack! Don't own. Another cliffie! Love me!)

"I can't believe this is really our team name." Mikhail muttered angrily. During the argument, Whiplash had written it out of spite, and now...

-Flashback-

"I wanna be Rescue Team DEATH!" Caetalus complained. "No, screw you! Rescue Team DOOM!" Kiki the female Nidoran shrieked at him. "DEATH!" "DOOM!" "DEATH!" "DOOM!"

"DUCK!" Loa had shrieked. They both stared at him. "What? That's a stupid name—" They were promptly hit in the head by a flying Ducis the Gyarados, who had been thrown by Grimwald the Pachirisu in another name argument. He was cool like that.

"I told you!" Loa crowed, basking in his glory. Mimi glared at them all. "Team Catnip!" Hiromi wrinkled his nose. "Hellz no! Team Behavioral Analysis Unit!"

Everyone stared at him. "...That doesn't fit into the space..." Orcus grumbled. Story, the child-god, raised his hand/paw/hoof, and cried, "Oooh! How about Rescue team... Pie!" Everyone stared at him now. He stuck his tongue out.

It soon turned into a full-scale naming war. Things were thrown, and it was every pokemon for themselves.

"Team Foxy!" "Team Disaster!" "Team Special!" "Team Crushclaw!" "TEAM DEATH, GODDAMNIT!" "TEAM UNIT!" "TEAM FANTA!" "TEAM TEAM!" "TEAM ROCKET!"

Whiplash watched this scene calmly. The albino Raticate made a quick decision based on the chaos she was observing currently. She sat down, and clearly wrote, "Rescue Team Idiot" On the dotted line. Without anyone noticing, she walked down to the Pelipper Post Office, and mailed it quietly.

-End Flashback-

"Well, it could've been worse..." Jupetta the Banette offered. "I mean, we could've gotten stuck with Story's name." This clearly annoyed the Arceus, who proceeded to sit and wail like a child during a temper tantrum... which one could say he was having.

Vita tied hers on, and asked Orcus, "Does my bum look big?" Orcus shook his head. "No, just your stomach." Vita slammed him over the head with her tail. He stumbled back, knocked unconscious.

"Geez, Orcus, don't you know it's rude to insult a pregnant woman?" Sachiko said boredly, shuffling her pack of cards.

Yes, it's true. Vita is pregnant. But the horrors of that are for some later chapter...

"Yeah, anyways, we got mail. Or rather, Rescue-team-fuckin'-idiot has mail. Whiplash, you suck big time." Scourge said. The Absol glared at the red-eyed white rat, placing the mail down.

"Mission; save Caterpie! Location: Route 204! Reward is... uh, a bottle of laudanum... anyone know what that is?" Pfiki the Manaphy read. No one answered her question, choosing instead to put on their "Rescue Team Idiot' badges, all of which had this moniker placed quite conspicuously on there... (Probably at the behest and amusement of the Rescue Society.)

"God, I fuckin' hate this planet." Erose growled, incredibly annoyed. The others nodded their consent. "Well, look at it this way," Noctus, (the Cacturne I SO caught before Harley) offered, firing off a Solarbeam at some Skarmory that had managed to end up near Twinleaf town... "We're not stuck dealing with Kiddo again." She said, breathing a sigh of relief.Erose grunted an agreement, before setting off a Seed Bomb.

-Back at Kiddo's Ebil Fortress of Doom-

"SHIT!" The trainer roared. "WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME KIDDO?! EVEN I CALL MYSELF FUCKIN' KIDDO!" Yes, the newly minted evil supreme overlord our good ol' rescue team has to fight is throwing a shit-fit about her nickname.

Again.

"PEOPLE WHO ARE THREE FUCKIN' YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME CALL ME KIDDO!! MY POKEMON CALL ME KIDDO, AND I HAVE THIRTEEN YEARS ON HALF OF THEM! SHIT!" She sighed, and rubbed her hands together evilly.

"But once I bomb the CRAP outta Solaceon, that'll change... goddamn rednecks..." She grumbled this angrily, and set about building a Poke-bomb, listening to Regina Spektor. She didn't care about the Daycare Center; it already seemed she ran one as things were.

-Back with our heroes...-

"GAH! I HATE THIS!" This one route seemed to have no end, instead trying to kill our heroes from sheer boredom alone. "I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING BUT TACKLE, AND EVERYONE DIES!!" (Yes, I'm abusing Caps Lock right now... shut up.)

Jupetta merely examined his claw, which had become exceedingly more interesting the more Noctus raved...

"Anyways, I think Caterpie was in Square Four of this shithole. We're in Square Three." Deidre said, doing something useful for the first-and-last time in her life, by checking a map.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Would laudanum fuck up our kids?" Vita asked, flicking her tail. Orcus groaned, and nodded. She swore angrily.

Hiromi stared ahead. "I see him! He's up ahead!" Jupetta squealed, and flung himself forward, only to discover—

Caterpie having a scandalous love affair with a Weedle? Nah. Caterpie plotting to overthrow the world's soon-to-be-overlord, Kiddo? Nope, guess again. Caterpie...

"Um... any specific reason you're dancing along to the Poketubbies?" Jupetta asked, horrified. Caterpie wailed.

"I CAN'T STOP! It's mind control! Save me!" The loud, obnoxious music of the children's show was blaring throughout all their ears. Deidre yawned, and thanked Aphrodite she had no visible ears.

Kiddo's Skitties, (which there are so many of, that they could just form their own goddamn team), were another story. "Mimi! DO SOMETHING!" Eneko, Ari's one of Ari's cutest gay male Skitty, wailed. She growled.

"DRAGON PULSE—" She was cut off by the fact that the show fizzed out. They all stared at the screen. "Fuck, izzit on? Yes? Okay, where's my coffee? Whaddya mean, I can't fuckin' drink on-air! BITCH!" They all groaned.

Yes, who else could it be but Kiddo. (Besides the six million other people that played Pokemon, but none were as crazy as her. So there.)

"People of Sinnoh, Johto, Kanto, and Hoenn! I come in... um, a world domination mood! Hellsh yeah, natch! So, I offer this. Hoenn, I have kidnapped Harley, so yeah, you're not getting him back, even if you comply to my demands. But hey. Anyway, Kanto, I have a retarded Missingno. to sic on you if you don't COMPLY with my wishes. Johto, I have... uh, I have a red Gyarados. Beware. And Sinnoh, I have a Diagla, Palkia, and Darkrai, so yeah, if you don't wanna repeat of Alamos town, comply! Send a coalition of your Elite Four, especially Lance, he's smexy." They all stared in shock.

This wasn't their trainer, right? Even though she WOULD kidnap Harley and Lance for god-knows-what-reason, this COULDN'T be her.

Yet the stupidity and random threats of this girl certainly were reminiscent of Kiddo. Dammit!

"Ahem. Anyways, send the Elite Four of your region here, and we will discuss my agreements. You have one hour." She fizzed out ungracefully, yelling something about her Java Chip Frappuchino.

Just as they expected, they were immediately given a letter, delivered by Pelipper. (Hey, that rhymes!) As Hiromi and Soren shared Pelipper's corpsey goodness, they read, "Get your ass moving! Your trainer's in Blackthorn City, hurry and stop her! –Rescue Society"

Szeren rolled her eyes. "No matter what I did, I knew she was gonna end up like this..." Ayame and Asariel were kind enough to use Teleport to get them there quickly.

And Caterpie? He was EATED. By Hiromi, who wasn't full from Pelipper. Trust me, this happens a lot. And I hate Caterpie. Pissant little shit.

Ahem.

They raced towards the Dragon's Den, where this conference was apparently being held.

-Inside Kiddo's Ebil Fortress-

Steven Stone, Ex-champion of Hoenn, looked around calmly, in this cavern below Dragon's Den. "What. The. Hell." He said both calmly and hysterically, like he wasn't about to go insane.

The lair was bascially what would happen if Jigsaw came back from the dead, and started making Hello-Kitty themed traps.

Pink handcuffs hung on the wall, though they didn't exactly convey a feeling of imprisonment...

Chococat and Badtz-Maru posters plastered the walls. Chainsaws and other sharpy-pointy thingies of death and doomie-doom-doom lay scattered about next to a stack of books.

"World Domination for Blondes." Lance repeated this in the same tone Steven had previously used; that is, one of hysteria-bordering-on-insanity. Will shrugged, and flipped his way through it.

"Well, it obviously worked." There was footsteps. Everyone jumped—

"Yeah, hi. Sit, sit, willya? I just made another pot of coffee." They all stared. This evil enemy, coated in video-produced shadows, was a thirteen year old fatty.

Team Rocket, beware.

She stared at all of them. "Okay, so, my main point is I want control of Johto. Gamefreak forgot about it, so I think I can keep it now, okay? And I want a crown and stuff. And a better evil lair, one with more of those Chococat posters." She nodded.

"Cigarette?" She proffered a box. Karen spoke up in disbelief. I mean, thirteen year olds smoking didn't happen unless you were on crack, or in this fic.

"Um... you're a kid." She smiled at Karen's stupidity, and shook her head. "Nah, nah. I can be whatever I want. AND I'm immortal. It's my power." Lance stared at her.

"Power?" Lorelei echoed stupidly. She nodded, and rolled her eyes. "Hellloo? Lolita. Look it up, bitches." Wallace was thrown a book of goddess myths.

"Um, I read that in class years ago. Wasn't it about a child molester?" Bruno asked. Kiddo huffed angrily. "THAT one was. I'm talking about myself." Wallace read in horror.

"In mythology, the Lolita is the divine essence of the universe, a teenage girl-woman delighting in both girlish play and sexual intercourse. The power of creation is something she treats like a toy, bringing things into being on a whim." Everyone stared at her. She grinned.

"What part of Damned Lolita don't you idiots get?" She rolled her eyes. "Vamp chick with creational powers and stuff. Okay, I'd like Johto now, please." Everyone still stared at her. She shrugged.

"Please?" Everyone looked at each other. "And if we don't?" Agatha ventured. She grinned happily, and clapped her hands.

"THAT, I was hoping for. I bomb Solaceon, and sic my threats on ya." She was obviously enjoying this.

But Rescue Team Idiot had other plans.

"Dammit, stop! We're Rescue Team—" Brutus stopped. "Oh, hell no, I'm not saying it."

"SAY IT!" Everyone thundered. He shrunk.

"We're Rescue Team Idiot, and we're here to stop you!" Kiddo only stared. Then she shrugged. "Figures. It suits you."

"You... know them?" Steven groaned. She nodded. "Yeah, they're my pokemon." Everyone stared at Rescue Team Idiot.

Then they cracked up.

Everyone glared at Whiplash. "I blame you." Ari rolled her eyes.

"I can solve this. Return!" She summoned a gazillion pokeballs, and recalled all of them. She stared at the Elite Four, still laughing hysterically.

She rolled her eyes again. "You know what? Forget Johto for the moment." Pressing a button, she shrugged. As Solaceon became no more, she plotted evilly.

"If I can use those Lolita powers for myself... I COULD BE SEXY!" She snapped her fingers. Nothing happened. She sweatdropped. "We'll work on it later. For now, let's work on bending space and time... And getting the nickname Kiddo changed..."

So that's where this chapter ends. Will Rescue Team Idiot get out of their pokeballs? Will Kiddo conquer the world, Damned Lolita she is? Will Kiddo's name change? Will I stop referring to myself in the third person? Will I finally be declared crazy enough to make it to the asylum? Will anyone care? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER!