(A new pointless chapter! For Rose, Team Rescue is in this, and they're her team. They rule. Okay, this won't be updated for awhile, because I have a few oneshots and fic chapters to work on. Maybe next week, if I've got time, okay? Man, I make fun of myself so much... oh well, it's fun. And I make fun of that stupid 'pokeymans' thing. I HATE IT. And the all-caps POKEMON names. It's ANNOYING. I don't own.)
"THIS IS POKEMON ABUSE! I WILL SUE!!" Erose roared, encased in the pokeball. Berlitz rolled her eyes. "Dude, your lawyer's a potted plant. Shut up already." Erose grumbled, and rolled around. "We have to get out. If she takes over Johto, we're..." Soren stopped midthought.
"Well, we'd be rich and famous, sleep in luxury beds, and eat the best food, and also be able to get the people we hate killed. But we have to stop her for the good of the world." Soren told the other pokemon. Decisions, decisions...
The fate of the world hung in the balance. And in all honestly, they would've probably let their trainer take over Johto, but for the fact that...
"HEY! SHE DIDN'T LEAVE HER IPOD HERE! BITCH! THIS IS JUST LIKE ABU GHARIB! SHE'S DEAD!" They screamed in outrage. Well, about half of them did, but they were bored, so saving the world sounded like fun!
I mean, all those people in the movies did it in, like, an hour! So they were sure that... that...
That Rescue Team Idiot could do it.
But somewhere else, another Team had already been sent to Johto to stop Kiddo. Team Rescue. "I want a drink." Joe complained. Brian growled at him, and adjusted his gun. Chaz stole it from Brian, and only gave it back after he pulled a machete on her. Iggy ate his DRYD TAOD PEELS.
So two teams of complete retards going on a journey to stop a self-insert.
Oooh, this'll be fun to watch.
-Back with Evil Overlord Kiddo-
The teen was still trying to make herself sexy. "FUCK! Molly did it in the third movie! Which was kinda creepy and pedophilic if you think about it... but my point is made!" She snapped her fingers again.
Nothing. She growled. "Kiddo... to be... a sexy self insert... you must... sell your soul..." Kiddo rolled an eyeball in the direction of the curtain that had magically appeared in the corner.
"How much of it do you want? I have five parts already in Horcruxes and stuff. So, you get one-eighteenth." The voice faltered. "I thought you said you only had five Horcruxes." Kiddo shrugged.
"I do. Six parts I sold to the devil, and the other seven are locked up somewhere in my closet. And I'm NOT going in there unless absolutely necessary!" She stopped for a second. "Heheh, I said Absol." The voice stared at her with his eyes that were invisible to the reader.
"Damn, do you drive a hard bargain. But here." He waved a hand, and disappeared. Kiddo wondered why he hadn't collected her soul, but she was too overcome with the realization her powers could be complete to care. Once more, she snapped her fingers.
Her legs began to straighten. Her hair... "Oh my god, keep that color! I like it!" She shrieked in horror. ...Anyways. Her hair began to reach her back, curling sexily above her... "I have a nonextending ass!" She cheered. This was the only part of her that was fat.
Her eyes went from storm-blue to a shimmering rainbow. If she had looked in a mirror, the glow probably would've blinded her. Or me. Whatever. Her glasses disappeared. She felt all special and sparkly.
"NOW!" The newly-made true Self-Insert shrieked. "TO TAKE OVER JOHTO!" She flounced off. Apparently, only her appearance had changed... for the moment...
Back with our Rescue Team, however, no one was feeling very pretty. "Fuckin' insanity! Bloody hell, isn't it great?!" Everyone stared at Rogue, who was getting rather hysterical. "I just LOVE our trainer, don't you?!" Everyone shrugged at the crazed Darkrai.
Jack flicked his ears. "It's just Chococat posters. God." He looked around. "Oh, and the screaming metal deathtraps. But whatever." Mimi found great amusement in setting those traps off.
"It's too bad we don't have Caterpie's corpse to torture... Because some FATTY ATE IT!!" She growled. The Skitty glared up, way, way, WAY up at the Rayquaza. Hiromi stared back.
But the point was, their trainer wasn't here. "Dear god, maybe we don't have to do anything now." Lotus the Lotad breathed a sigh of relief. Cheroro the Cherrim began to dance happily. But, just to prove how EVIL Kiddo is, she then burst through the cave in a giant robot suit, making Cheroro cry.
Yeah, she's a bitch.
Everyone stared at the suit. It was all pink and flowery, covered in crocheted doilies and daises. A rebellious-but-still-conformist Happy Bunny sticker was plastered on the side.
"No. It can't be Kiddo." Pika gaped. The Raichu wanted to believe that... Everyone shook their heads. "It's not." But, yea verily, it was.
"Oh my god! It's, like, pokeymans!" This girl crowed. "Go pokeman ball!" Everyone almost died. Kiddo was a stickler for grammar! And she'd never call a pokemon 'pokemans'! EVER!
So there was only one explanation... "Dammit, did she sell her soul again!?" Szeren shrieked. The others shook their heads in terror. "It's worse than that. She's become... become... a... a..." Ponpao the Tropius couldn't find the words. Berlitz finished.
"A self-insert." Everyone gasped. "I warned her! But she didn't LISTEN! Dammit!" Szeren squawked. Everyone shuddered, as the hatch of the Robo-Insert opened.
Their trainer was... gone. This blonde-haired pretty thing was not their trainer. By about fifty pounds, she was SO not Kiddo. She stood there. "Well, I think I have to catch all you pokeymanz—GUY'S IT'S KIDDO, HELP ME!" The girl seemed to split for a second, with their real trainer coming through.
The girl frowned, and got back in the Robo-Insert, and called, "To Cherrygrove!" The other pokemon stared. "Kiddo's gone and fucked with the space-time continuum again. Great." Lysander the Sceptile sighed. Everyone groaned.
"So we've got to save her?" The wall was blasted open by a bazooka. "Yes! But you won't be alone! Team Rescue is here!" They stared at these new pokemon.
The Charmander was standing behind that weird Togepi that had shot the gun. A Pikachu was passed out in the corner.
W3 R HRE 2 HELP! Some Magnemite exclaimed. The Charmander made introductions. "I am Chaz. I steal things. This is Brian. He blows up stuff. Joe is the drunken rat in the corner. And Iggy is a hypochondriac. We're here to help your trainer... I think. Well, we kinda have to, now that she's a self-insert and stuff." Rescue Team Idiot looked at each other.
Well, they were probably screwed either way, why not? And that unnatural egg thing in the corner had a gun. And Mimi liked guns.
So Teams Rescue and Idiot set off for Cherrygrove. Iggy happily shocked Kurama the Jolteon, who then became a hyperactive menace. "A ZIG AND A ZAG, LET'S GO MOTHERFUCKERS!" He howled, rushing off and bouncing around. Mimi looked at Brian.
"Can I borrow that?" She said, indicating the rather large gun in the crazed egg's hands. He nodded, and she took it, cackling madly. "Nya nya nya! I am SO EVIL!" She roared, shooting at trees, weeds, and Trainers. Everyone just sighed, and continued on, egg and kitten both having a blast shooting things. (No pun intended.)
"I think... I think..." Jupetta started. Noctus looked at him. "You regret everything you've done?" He nodded slowly. They finally arrived in Cherrygrove. Kiddo... was...
"HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?! AT LONG LAST, MAN, HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY!?" Grendel roared. For his master was having tea. With a bunch of Buneary.
Mimi stared. Jupetta looked at Noctus. "Yes, I do indeed. I regret everything." Noctus patted him on the head, and smiled Cacturne-style.
Brian levered a gun on her. "SELF-INSERT! SHOW YOURSELF!" The egg squawked. Kiddo giggled into her tea. "Why, whatever do you mean? I'm right here." It was Saku this time that spoke up.
"LIES! LIES FOR THE LIARS!" She roared, standing on her two hind legs. "OUR trainer wouldn't do this! She'd be blowing up Buneary, not having FUCKING TEA with them! GET OUT OF KIDDO'S BODY, DAMMIT!" The blonde Self-Insert stared. She put down the tea, hands shaking in barely contained fury.
"You... you... deny ME!? I am loved by all! I AM PERFECT!" The Self-Insert shrieked, tearing prettily at her blonde hair. Brian and Mimi leveled their twin bazookas at her.
"We know. And THAT'S what is pissing us off." Mimi meowed. The Self-Insert growled.
"Fine! Be it on your own head! I will—THE EYES GUYS, GO FOR THE EYES!" The Self-Insert had another battle with the real Slim Shady—also known as Kiddo, for domination of this body. The Self-Insert won, and glared at the pokemon.
"Well, I'll use my own pokeymans! BUNEARY! Go!" She pointed at the BUNEARY.
Mimi quoted Avenged Sevenfold, before firing her gun, "I know it's not your time... but BYE-BYE!!" She fired off her bazooka at the BUNEARY. Brian looked at her oddly.
"Shall we?" Mimi nodded. "Yes, let's!" The two psychos skipped through the corpses of BUNEARY, using the two bazookas that had appeared from Weaponspace. Everyone else let them have at it, as they faced the Self-Insert.
"Give us our mom back!" Pfiki shrieked. The Self-Insert sighed. "She sold her soul, yanno. Or at least one-eighteenth of it. She kinda asked for this." All of them were silent. Then Szeren puffed up importantly.
"I told you." Well, no one was really in the mood to argue.
"MAUL HER EYES!" Cheshire roared, leaping at her. Angel the Scizor clicked his claws, and snipped her hair rough and ragged, like Kiddo's.
"The power of the Ceiling Cat compels you! The power of the Ceiling Cat compels you!" Brompton the Espeon roared, smacking his lime-green tail over her head.
The others simply did what their trainer would have wished; destroyed Cherrygrove, and captured Silver. Why? Because. He's shexy.
"GO! COME ON GUYS!" Kiddo roared. Everyone fought her, but it was no use. Her skin remained flawless, her eyes remained perfect, and her hair was uncuttable!
"Damn! How do we destroy her?!" Jetstream roared. Cheshire flicked his tail. "I have an idea. Characters cease to exist when they die, right? So if we kill this Self-Insert, Kiddo can come back!" Everyone stared at each other.
But Brian had already answered that question. He fired at the Self-Insert. She gave a cute but sad sob, and flopped down dramatically. Brian poked her with a stick, then fired again.
All was silent. Then...
"Well holy hell, that's the last time I EVER sell my soul to a complete stranger." The body of the Self-Insert was gone. In its place stood Kiddo.
"YOU'RE OKAY!" Szeren roared happily. Kiddo nodded, and cracked her knuckles.
"Yeah, I am. And I think... I think I'm okay with being called Kiddo. It suits me. But that doesn't mean I can't bitch about it... Okay, who's ready to take over Johto?!" Kiddo crowed. But then... she had another idea.
"Hey... If I take over Team Rocket... won't I get to control EVERY region?" She thought about this for a bit. Then she clapped, thrilled.
"Oooh, great idea! First Team Rocket, AND THEN THE WORLD!!" She raced off to Actual Reality to plot.
Her pokemon stood in the corner of the ruined Cherrygrove. "I... I don't think we can stop her this time." Noctus said, horrified. Jupetta shrugged.
"I don't care. Wanna go get drunk with Joe?" Everyone cheered.
So now? Kiddo didn't get her name changed, we've killed a Self-Insert, and managed to destroy Cherrygrove.
After that, conquering Team Rocket should be a walk in the park.