Chapter 3 Hard Decisions

Karen was in her kitchen baking cake after cake. She'd started with an angel and was working her way through a devil's food. When she was done with that she'd get started on some carrot cake.

It was a warm May night and it got so hot that she opened another window before cracking two more eggs into her mixing bowl. The timer dinged and she put on her mitts and pulled a pan out of the oven. The delicious smell of cocoa and sugar rose from it and she breathed it in for a moment before putting it down on the stovetop.

She returned to her mixer, watched the whisk move through the batter, and thought over everything Deb had said to her yesterday. She wished that she knew what to do about it; a part of her wanted to see Nathan, see what kind of kid Dan had raised. But most of her didn't even want to deal with any of this. For a minute Karen was so angry that she wanted to hit something. Why was it that every time Dan did something she had to deal with the fallout?

Karen folded in flour, baking soda, spices, and then finally the grated carrots and brown sugar. She pulled out two round cake pans and divided the mix evenly between them, ran her rubber spatula around the bowl to get the rest of it out, and felt her tension ease a little. Baking always made her feel better. It was a wonder that Lucas was as skinny as he was considering how many times she'd had to do this over the years.

But now she was faced with a decision that scared her and she had forgotten what that had felt like. Lucas was pretty mature for his age but he still wasn't an adult. Was it fair to burden him with this now? But what if she waited too long and jeopardized the relationship he could have with his brother? Nathan was still very young, the two of them still had time to really build something with one another; instead of trying to piece together a relationship after they both became adults.

Then there was Dan. If there was anything she knew for sure it was that she did not want that man in her child's life. But she didn't really know him, even though she thought she had. When he was in high school she'd believed that he was so right for her. He was certain about what he wanted to do and who he wanted to be with. She'd let his confidence become her own. After she'd gotten pregnant he'd freaked out—which didn't really surprise her—but what did was when he'd come back apologetic and full of promises. She'd believed him right up to the moment she'd given birth. She'd hadn't even let go of that faith when Keith had come to the hospital instead of him, and a part of her still held onto it until she'd come home to an empty apartment with a newborn in her arms and exactly fifty-six dollars and eighteen cents.

But during that first night at home with Lucas after she put him down and sat there in her tiny bedroom, alone, she'd finally accepted the fact that he'd disappeared without even bothering to say good-bye.

She'd had no contact with him since then. Not one phone call or letter, and if Keith saw him they never talked about it. She assumed that her friend must see his brother on occasion when he went to visit his parents or when Dan had married Deb or when Nathan had been born. She'd found out about them years after the fact and she didn't know much about them apart from their names; she'd never asked Keith about it and he never brought up the subject. He'd known that she didn't want to face it.

And Lucas . . . she'd been careful about how she'd talked about Dan around him. It had taken years, but she'd thought that she'd managed to let go of most her anger. She'd tried to make sure that Lucas knew that he had a right to be mad at his father, but she didn't want him to hate him. She didn't want Dan to have that much power over how Lucas felt about himself; she always stressed that he had just been an irresponsible boy—not evil incarnate.

But she had no idea how Dan would react to having them reintroduced into his life. She wasn't kidding herself. Eventually, their paths would cross. So the question was how and when.

Keith walked into the house and raised his eyebrows. The house smelled wonderful and there were four beautifully iced cakes on the kitchen table, and from the looks of it Karen was working on cakes five and six.

"Everything looks great Kare."

She paused briefly before continuing to whip a spoon through her cream cheese frosting.

"Thanks."

Keith looked at her carefully. "You're not still drunk, are you?"

She gave him an exasperated look. "Of course not."

"Just checking. Whenever you drink you get really monosyllabic."

"Great."

He smiled. "So I'm guessing that Deb said something to you to trigger this bake-off."

"How long have you been talking to your parents about Lucas?"

Keith froze and then sat down slowly. "Only over the last two years or so."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Karen's frosting was really getting a beating.

"Honestly, I had no idea how to bring it up. They just asked a couple questions about Luke and how he was doing. I asked them if they wanted some pictures—they said yes—and I sent them a few."

Karen poured the cake batter into freshly flowered pans and slid them into the oven. "Were you ever going to let me know about that?"

"Of course I was, Karen."

"Of course? You hid it for two years!" She opened a cupboard so hard that it made a bang as it hit the wall.

"Karen, we talked a total of maybe two hours over those years. We didn't have long, involved conversations, okay?"

"You're right, I have nothing to be upset about."

"I didn't say that."

Keith got up and put his hands on her shoulders, stopping her from getting more bowls. "I think that after all this time that maybe my parents are starting to realize that they were wrong for not trying to reach out to you after you got pregnant."

"I'm not interested in what they think." Karen took a breath. "I'm already dealing with Dan being back and this thing with Nathan. I don't want them showing up and wanting to be in our lives too."

"Whatever happens you have to know that I'm going to be there for you and Lucas."

"I know that." Karen's shoulders relaxed. "I do, Keith. I'm just . . . I've been going back and forth with what I'm going to do."

"About?"

"Deb wants Nathan and Lucas to spend time together, to be real brothers."

"Do you think that's a good thing?"

"I don't know."

Keith sat back down, his brow furrowed in thought. "You're worried about seeing Dan."

"I'm worried about everything." Karen took a deep breath and picked up her measuring cup. "But I told myself a while ago that I wouldn't let my feelings for Dan control my life. And I don't want Lucas to let his father dictate what he'll do either."

Keith just watched Karen as she separated her eggs. She rolled her shoulders to release the tension in them as she beat the egg whites until they became stiff. He could see her thinking over everything that had happened and what might happen. She set the bowl down decisively.

"I'm going to talk to Lucas about meeting Nathan," she said finally.

"That's great, Karen. It's really great. You're making the right choice."

"Am I?" Karen eyes were conflicted. "I think I might have signed the both of us up for even more heartache."

"Maybe you want to think about this more?"

"I've been thinking about it since six this morning." She creamed the sugar, butter, egg yolks, milk and vanilla. "In a way, I've been thinking about this for sixteen years. When Lucas was still little I kept running these scenarios through my head about what I'd do if Dan ever came back or if . . . when he got married."

"Karen, you shouldn't feel like you have to do anything."

"But I do. I'm not going to run from this anymore, Keith. I'm tired of it. Dan is not going to be the tragedy of my life."

Keith gave her an admiring smile. "Lucas is going to be fine and so are you."

"Thanks." Karen glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "Don't think that I'm not still mad at you. If your parents were asking about Lucas you should have told me."

"I swear I'll never keep anything like that from you again."

"Good. Can you get my tube pan down off the shelf?"

The next day Karen sat down with Lucas and explained everything to him.

"You want me to spend time with Dan's son?"

"He's your brother."

". . . Why, Mom?"

"I grew up an only child and I always wanted brothers and sisters."

"You can't be serious."

"Lucas—"

"I've never even seen him before and now you want me to adopt him or something?"

"I want you to get to know him because the relationship that the two of you could have is separate from Dan."

"Not really. It's because of Dan that we're even talking about this."

Karen nodded. "I suppose. But it's not Nathan's choice, or yours, that Dan's his father."

Lucas glared at her. "I don't want to see him. I don't want anything to do with that bastard!"

"Lucas! How can you say that about a boy you don't even know yet?"

"Not Nathan, Mom, Dan!"

"Oh." Karen relaxed. "You won't have to see him. Deb would be dropping him off at the café."

Lucas shook his head. "I don't know about this."

"Just think about it, okay? I won't force you to do anything that you don't want to, but I know that you're curious about him."

Lucas stared out the window for a moment and then got up to cut himself a piece of pound cake. Karen went to the fridge and got out the freshly whipped cream and a bowl of strawberries. She handed them over to him.

"Thanks." Lucas ate, chewing thoughtfully. "Why would Deb call you?"

"Well, she heard about what a great kid you are and I guess she wants someone like you around her son." Karen preened a little. "She knows what an incredible mother I am."

"You're the best." Lucas rolled his eyes playfully.

"You should say that like you mean it."

"I am a little curious about him," Lucas said quietly. "But I don't want you to have to see him, Mom. He'll just remind you about what happened with Dan."

"Oh, honey. You're worried about me? Don't be. I've learned how to deal with how I feel about Dan. But Nathan isn't responsible for any of that. I just don't want that bitterness to follow the two of you or for you to grow up to be strangers. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't let Dan control my life and that meant not letting him color every decision I make. And I'm glad because if I hadn't let some of my anger go, Keith wouldn't be in our lives."

Lucas looked a little surprised at that. "I can't imagine not talking to Keith."

"And I don't want you to miss out on being a big brother out of fear of what Dan will do or say."

Lucas nodded thoughtfully.

"Luke, even if you agree to this, it won't be happening tomorrow. I still want to get to know Deb better and talk to her about all of this before we arrange a meeting."

Lucas cracked his knuckles. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I . . . I do want to see him. Nathan."

"Okay." Karen put her hands in her lap so Lucas couldn't see them shaking.