Spring With the Cullens
By Holly-Batali
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the awesome Jasper. I wish I did, but there's life for you. Character Credit goes to Stephenie Meyer. Though, I've actually done something she has not: given Jasper a better sense of humor.
Author's Note: This is a story from Bella's point of view. It's all about how good the Cullens are about putting up with Esme's crazy "Mom Schemes." First story of four; set right after Twilight.
Chapter Four: Wrath of the Witch-Mom
Back in Phoenix, we didn't have anything in our yard except some dead and dying grass, a few cacti, and the occasional rabbit. I really didn't mind one way or another, because I hated to garden anyways. Not having to tend a garden in Forks is also nice. Esme really liked to garden; which is fine with me, so long as she didn't suck me into it.
Which, of course, she did.
No sooner had I stepped out of that stupid Volvo then Esme rushed over to us in her gardening attire, dragging poor Jasper behind her. Jasper's arms were full of bulbs, seeds, shovels--the whole enchilada. He was staggering under the weight of balancing a wheelbarrow as well.
"What?" I asked numbly. I, of course, had still not recovered from the Easter Incident.
"It's time for you kids to take some responsibility--not you, Bella honey," she said cheerfully, straightening her lopsided floppy hat. "We're starting a garden, and you kids," (meaningful glare at Edward, who fidgeted uncomfortably), "need to have some chores around here. So a garden it is! We'll be planting an herb garden as well!" She looked like someone had just said it was her birthday. I probably looked as if someone just killed my puppy (killed it and sucked it dry, with my luck). Because I knew that I would get somehow pulled into this.
So, as Esme passed out arm-loads of gardening equipment to each of the Cullen "kids", it seemed inevitable that I ended up pushing the wheelbarrow full of bulbs and seeds and baby trees and stuff.
I knew I'd get sucked into this somehow.
All I had to do, turns out, was a few simple things. I helped Jasper unload the wheelbarrow while he chatted about the Battle of Manassas ("It was no wonder that we," Confederates, if you haven't got with the program, "won. We were the very best, and we also had Stonewall Jackson and the ever-amazing General Robert E. Lee."). I chatted with Edward about flowers ("they're so pretty," he had said, "they're so friendly and open. I've always liked them, even when I was human. I remember one time; it was the spring of 1915, when I was just fifteen..." Boy, that guy can talk); I joked with Emmett about hunting season, which I had never experienced ("Oh yeah," he had said, full of himself, leaning against his dirty shovel, "I was the best shot in all of Tennessee I'll bet. I could shoot from two-hundred feet away and still hit a bear right through the gut, every time." I highly doubted this, by the way); I disputed the current fashions with Alice, even though I had no idea what I was talking about ("Capri's," okay, what are Capri's? "are so yesterday; same with flip-flops. Ugh! Now, what you want is a nice..." some Italian designer, a French one, blah blah blah); I talked mechanics with Rosalie. I'm not even going to try to quote that conversation.
After a while I sat on the grass and leaned back on my hands, watching Emmett dig up huge dirt piles, Jasper fixing the wheelbarrow (which Emmett broke), Edward joyfully and carefully planting petunia after stupid pink petunia, Alice predicting what would be the best places to plant the saplings--and, of course, Rosalie griping about her nails.
"When you're a vampire, your nails don't grow back!" She seethed angrily, just standing around while everyone else worked. "If I break a nail doing this, there is going to be hell to pay!"
Jasper rolled his eyes. Probably the only guy there brave enough to defy their tyrannical sister. "Shut up, Rose. They're hard as stone, they're not gonna brake. Get over yourself, will you?"
We all stared at him if open-mouthed shock. I heard Emmett mutter, "ooh, you're gonna get it now, Southern Boy." Sure enough, Rosalie looked like she about to start smoking at the ears--or, more likely, shoot lightning out of her fingertips and fry Jasper to a Texas pancake.
"You're asking for it," she warned him quietly.
He folded his arms across his chest, planting his feet in the ground and lifting his chin. "Yeah. I am."
"YOU ASKED FOR IT, TEX!" she yelled at him.
"BRING IT ON, BARBIE!"
She snarled and jumped at him, and he toppled over. I covered my ears, trying to block out the resounding thunderous crash of their collision. They rolled around on the ground, both trying to get on top. At least, that's what I think they were doing; I'm not much of a fighter, so I really don't know.
Somewhere in the midst of shouted insults, (i.e. Jasper's "Why don't you ask your manicurist for help!" and Rosalie's "You lost! Get over it!", which, I'm pretty sure is referring to the Civil War--Newsflash Rose: not helping), Esme came in and broke 'em up with a good whack to the head of each of them with her shovel, which promptly broke.
"I put you in charge of a simple thing like gardening, and you blow up about nails?!" she was ranting. "I can't trust you kids with anything can I? That's it!" She beckoned imperiously to the house. "All of you, inside now. Time out! Two hours!"
There was an immediate outburst. "BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" Edward protested.
"I'M JUST AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER!" Emmett shouted, then he reconsidered. He held up his index finger and said, "Okay, so I was a mostly innocent bystander..."
Alice appeared to be positively appalled. "I JUST SAW IT, I DIDN'T DO IT!"
Jasper and Rosalie were both pointing a each other, covered in dirt and grass, completely disheveled and livid. They were both shrieking, "HE," (or 'She', in Jasper's case), "STARTED IT!"
But Esme wasn't having any of it. Her face, looking like one of those heavy Forks rainclouds, eyes narrowed to slits, marched right over to them and grabbed Jasper by the left ear, and Rosalie by her right. As she dragged them to the house, Rosalie squealed and shrieked, making a big fuss about the whole thing. Jasper just swore, trying to hold his ear.
We all followed meekly behind her, trudging in the open front door. Carlisle was sitting cross-legged on the couch, reading the local paper. He put it down on our entrance, though, and raised his eyebrows at us.
"Well, well, well, what have we here?" Esme threw them to the floor and loomed over them. They did the smart thing and stayed down, still seething.
"These two," she hissed; the room went deathly quiet. "These two were raising a fuss and making a mess over Rose's nails."
Carlisle shrugged, still not getting it; must be a guy thing. "So?"
Esme stared at him, disbelieving. "So? SO? I can't trust them with anything! They're so immature that they destroy everything! I have half a mind to...to..." Rosalie snorted and Jasper muttered something that I, with my lowly human hearing, could not hear. Esme looked at them, sucking in her breath, eyes widening. They cowed and dropped their eyes. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ALL GOING TO UTAH FOR THE WEEKEND!" The Cullens looked on in horror, including Carlisle.
"NO!" Rosalie wailed. "ANYTHING BUT UTAH!"
"I DEMAND TO BE GIVEN A FAIR TRIAL!" Jasper protested. "YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ ME MY RIGHTS! ACCORDING TO THE FIFTH AMENDMENT--"
"I AM YOUR MOTHER!" Esme shrieked at him, "I DON'T NEED TO READ YOU YOUR RIGHTS! NOW GET OUT OF HERE, BOTH OF YOU! IF YOU'RE GOOD, I MIGHT--MIGHT--RECONSIDER!" They scrambled away, tripping over each other to get out of Esme's ever-reaching line of fire. As two doors slammed upstairs, Esme sighed and sat down in the chair opposite Carlisle's couch.
Emmett, Edward, Alice, and I all stood in the open doorway, our eyes wide, stomachs sucked in, hardly daring to breathe.
"I don't know what to do with them," she said quietly. Carlisle looked on awkwardly, not quite knowing what to do that wouldn't make matters worse. "They're so...destructive!" she said.
"Yes dear," said Carlisle meekly.
She glared at him, pointing a finger at him, eyes narrowed dangerously. "They get it from your side."
Carlisle just nodded. "Um, Esme, honey?" we could tell he was trying to change the subject.
"Hmm?" She had her head in her hands and the response was muffled.
"Um, that Annual Doctors Retreat is scheduled for this weekend, from Friday to Sunday. The replacement doctors should be here Thursday."
Esme groaned and brought her head up, glaring at him. The Finger of Doom came up again. "If you come back like last time, you'll be in a lot worse shape than Jazzy and Rosie should be in. I will make you sorry you were ever turned. Got it, John Lennon?"
He just nodded meekly, embarrassed. John Lennon? I thought my family was weird. But then again, I guess this was sort of my family. Weird.
Authors Note: So? Please review, 'kay? I mean, for toast's sake, I accept anonymous reviews! Please tell me what you think, okay? I might not update until I have 8 new reviews, got it?