Spring With the Cullens
By Holly-Batali

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. I WISH I owned Jasper, but there's life for you, eh?

Chapter Five: Hormones

"So...do you have a three?"

"Go fish. If I did, I'd give it to you right away though. You're really good at this Bella, don't worry--"

"Edward. Chill. It's Go Fish, for crying out loud!"

"Sorry."

I sighed heavily and counted to ten. Again.

"It's okay, Edward. Just go."

Edward and I asked, gave, and drew for the next five minutes, but, finally and inevitably, we called it quits. As I plopped down on the couch in front of their ginormous TV, Edward went to the DVD rack closest to him and glanced quickly at the titles.

"What do you feel like watching, Bella?"

I sighed again. "I have no idea. Why don't you pick this time?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Fine with me."

I twiddled my thumbs while he debated. "We could watch Hamlet. We have the Kenneth Branaugh version, the Mel Brooks version, the..."

It was very quiet in the Cullen House today. Alice and Rosalie would be back soon from their shopping spree in Seattle, Carlisle was on that doctor's retreat, and Esme was at the carpeting store. Jasper and Emmett had spilled a ton of blood on the living room carpet yesterday, so it needed to be replaced...

Where were Emmett and Jasper?

"Edward?"

"Hm?" He had his arms folded, chin in one of his hands and brow furrowed while he debated between the doubtlessly numerous versions of Hamlet that his family owned.

"Where are your brothers?" I asked casually, but he looked suspicious.

"I don't know. But I should...hang on a second." He closed his eyes to concentrate, but just then Alice and Rose burst through the front door, laughing hysterically and clutching what looked like dozens of shopping bags.

"What's so funny?" I asked, frowning.

"Ja--Jazz and--Emmett," Alice wheezed, holding up a finger for patience. Then doubled over, clutching to an equally hysteric Rosalie. I looked at Edward, but his eyes had gone wide.

"No--way." He said. Then a slow but huge grin split his face, which was delighted. "No freaking way!"

"Uh huh," gasped Alice, then she collapsed again.

"Hello?" I said, a little impatient. "Explanation for the human, please?"

But there was no need because just then, Jasper and Emmett stumbled in the door, leaning drunkenly on each other and giggling. Jasper hit his head on the door frame and giggled some more, "Hee hee, ouch, ha ha!"

"You're funny," snickered Emmett.

Jasper laughed, "I know," he said in a breathless voice.

"What happened to you guys?" I asked incredulously.

Emmett held up a finger and stumbled. He waited a minute, mouth open, somewhat somber. "Cows," he got out, then after a moment's delay, he and Jasper collapsed in giggles again.

"What about cows?" I asked slowly. I was going to have to use all of my forced patience for this one.

Jasper and Emmett were sitting back to back on the floor, and Jasper shook his head, shaking with silent laughter. Well, mostly silent, anyway. He wiped away imaginary tears with the heel of his hand. "We were in a hurry," he explained, trying not to giggle too much. "And we needed to hunt." he put drunken emphasis on 'hunt' and Emmett, who had regained some composure, started to laugh all over again. "So we grabbed some cows from the pasture down the way."

"Hee hee, they tasted funny," Emmett laughed.

I looked at them in horror, comprehension on my face. "THOSE COWS ARE INJECTED WITH HORMONES!" I yelled at them. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID! OKAY, SO MAYBE EMMETT, BUT JASPER!"

They stared at me for a moment, completely sober. Then they slowly met each others eyes, mouths hanging open. Then they collapsed in laughter again.

"THEY'RE acting like a bunch of teenage girls!" I fumed quietly to Alice as we washed the dishes from my lunch. "How could they be so stupid!"

Alice just shook her head. "How should I know? I only see the future, not people's brains, vampire or no."

They was a short silence while I scrubbed the skillet. "How're they doing?" I asked.

She sighed, her mirth expended. "Emmett's watering the petunias, and Jasper...I don't know what the heck Jasper's doing." She shook her head and closed her eyes, rubbing her temples. "If it's possible for vampires to get a migraine, I've got one."

Then we heard footsteps running down the stairs and Rosalie came to a halt, holding onto the door frame of the kitchen, a huge smile on her face.

"You guys have got to see this. It's Jasper!" She burst out laughing, holding her sides. Alice and I shared one glance then ran upstairs, right behind Rose. When we caught up with her, she was waiting outside the door to Jasper and Alice's room, the door closed. She had her hand on the handle and pressed a finger to her smiling lips. We nodded impatiently and made hurry-up gestures with our hands. I could hear a movie from the other side of the door. I noticed that she had grabbed a video camera and was turning it on.

She laughed silently and opened the door, slowly and quietly.

Our eyes widened and we both shared a wide grin. Rosalie was giggling silently behind her camera. Rosalie, the tallest, had her head in the door, with mine underneath, then Alice's. This. Was. Hilarious.

Jasper was sitting on the bed, surrounded by piles and piles of empty Kleenex. Tears streaked down his face--fake, I'm guessing--and he blew his nose loudly. Alice and I looked at the huge TV, and Rosalie followed our gaze with her camera.

"Gone With the Wind?" I mouthed silently to Alice, appalled. Rosalie got my face on camera. Alice nodded, her laughter barely subdued.

Jasper blew his nose again and we turned back to him. "It seems like only yesterday!" He sobbed dramatically. Then he sniffed long and loud, and pulled a clear bottle out of his back jeans pocket. He popped the top off of the saline--fake tears; I knew it!--and blinked up at the ceiling squirting in a stream of water. Then he went back to crying and howling at the movie.

This was too much. We girls ran out of the room, closing the door behind us. We streaked downstairs and then outside, where we promptly collapsed on the ground, overcome by hysterical laughter.

Rosalie closed the camera, still laughing. She ejected the tape and kissed it. "Blackmail," she said with relish. "Hello, beautiful."

Authors Note: Well? What do you think? REVIEW PLEASE! I want to know!