Spring With the Cullens
By Holly-Batali
Disclaimer: I don't own the Cullens or anything else Meyer, got it?
Chapter Six: Swift Stethoscope
I heard the front door close quietly and looked up from my position on the couch, groggy-eyed. Alice had insisted on a "sleepover" since it was still Spring Break, and I had grudgingly given in. Arguing with Edward, you had a chance. Arguing with Alice was as pointless as trying to tell Emmett that hunting was stupid.
The top of my tousled head peered groggily over the edge of the couch to see Emmett, frantically whispering to Jasper. "...Carlisle finds out...make Dracula wish he was a Quaker...yeah, that's what I've been saying, you idiot!"
My eyebrows raised. This was interesting. Carlisle was still away on Doctor's Retreat, coming home today. I can't imagine him blowing up about anything. Then again, they had about sixty years more insight than I did, so go figure. What are they hiding?
Jasper placated Emmett eventually--in Cullen time, that's about thirty seconds, by the way--and shoved him out the front door, back outside. I saw them through the window, Jasper leading the way to the backyard. My brow furrowed in confusion. Again: What are they hiding?
"HERE HE COMES!" Alice came racing through the front door and into the kitchen, where I was sitting on the counter, talking to Edward. I just stared blankly at her.
"Whaaa?"
"Carlisle!" she shrieked, almost collapsing from stifled laughter. Edwards eyes widened and a grin broke out over his face. He started laughing and had to lean on his knees for support.
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, it's hilarious!" she squealed.
"When?"
"'Bout seven minutes."
"Oh gosh. This'll be good."
"Yeah," Alice said, giddy. I was watching this like a tennis match. "Is Esme home?"
"Upstairs."
"Let's go get her!"
"Absolutely!"
There was more laughter and Edward and Alice streaked upstairs, leaving me behind, my hair ruffling in the breeze left by their exit.
"O-Kaaay."
Then Jasper and Emmett walked in again, casually, but they seemed...I don't know; guilty, I guess. "Hey Bella," said Emmett, "'sup?"
"Hay is for horses," Jasper said in a taunting tone. "Hello Bella, how are you today?"
"I could take off the 'o' in 'Hello' and give you a few example of what--" Emmett was cut off when I said,
"I'm fine. How are you guys doing? Excited for Carlisle to come home?" I guaged their reactions, and, sure enough, they got a little stiff and exchanged a vampire-quick glance.
"Yes," said Jasper cooly, "I'm quite excited for Carlisle to come home. He gets home...Monday, am I right?" That was three days from now. Enough time to hide some kind of EVIDENCE, right? RIGHT?
"No," I said, matching his tone. "He comes home in about five minutes."
"HOLY S--" Jasper covered Emmett's mouth hastily and backed away slowly, looking nervous.
"Really? H-how do you know this?"
"Alice," I said, trying to hide my glee that I was onto something. "He'll be here any minute."
"Interesting," said Jasper curtly. I swear, if he was human, he'd be sweating a lake. Or, as Jasper himself sometimes says, 'sweating the Potomac.'
Then he said slowly, "I will...see you later, Bella." Then he bolted out of therelike--as Emmett says--'a raccoon caught in the kitchen trash can', dragging his cohort behind him. I could hear their muffled voices from outside, saying, 'quick, Emmett! Get all of it! ALL of it! HURRY UP YOU STUPID HILLBILLY!" and Emmett replying, "ALL RIGHT ALREADY! GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, MAJOR!"
Again, "O-kaay."
Then Edward and Alice were dragging Esme--respectfully, mind you, you whippersnappers--outside. Just as Carlisle came up the drive.
My jaw dropped.
Alice collapsed on her back laughing, her legs up in the air. Edward wasn't much better, leaning heavily against the door frame and clutching his sides; he slid down the frame to sit next to Alice.
Esme's eyes narrowed. Ohhhh boy. Here it comes.
"Thanks for the ride, Steady Scalpel!" yelled Carlisle, waving to a man in a hippie van.
"Peace out, Swift Stethoscope!"
And then Carlisle was walking up the drive, dressed in--I kid you not--tie dyed scrubs, bead necklaces, brown flip-flop sandals, HUGE sunglasses, and a guitar on his back. Jasper and Emmett walked up behind us, jogging to a stop.
"Holy General Lee!" Breathed Jasper, letting out a startled laugh.
Emmett just stared.
Carlisle came to a stop in front of the crowded porch, smiling benignly, unaware of the invisible steam coming out of Esme's eyes.
"Hi, I'm home," he said cheerfully. Then he gave us a peace sign and nodded happily, smiling hugely. Alice and Edward--who had calmed enough to breathe and had helped each other up--promptly collapsed into laughter again, rolling around on the porch.
His smiled faded just a bit. Esme glared at him. "Swift Stethoscope?"
He looked relieved. "Yeah; it's my Indian name. We all have 'em; it heightens our sense of brotherhood and spiritual binding." Esme was not amused; she was about the only one. Carlisle misread the expression. "Do you want one too?"
"No."
"Oh...okay."
There was an awkward moment, and then Carlisle said, "Well, I'll be meditating if anyone needs me," and then he skedaddled out of there, like the smart PhD that he is.
"What was that all about?" Rosalie asked. I jumped and wirled around. Rosalie had come out of her garage--for once--just in time for the end of the performance.
"No clue," I exhaled. "Something about tie dyed scrubs, meditating, and Indian names."
"Ah," she said sagely, nodding. "Doc Retreat. It happens," she said wisely. "Every year, it happens."
"You're kidding?!"
"Nope." she gave me a weird look. "Why do you think we move around so much?"
"Aum," we looked around as we saw Alice immitating Carlisle in meditation.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ALICE CULLEN!" Yelled Esme. "ONE HIPPIE IS BAD ENOUGH!"
"Let's get out of here," said Rosalie.
"Yeah." I said before she even finished speaking. She grabbed my sleeve and we ran for the safety of her garage before Esme could get a chance to break out the broom."
Authors Note: Okay, I won't be updating 'til June, so I LEFT A NOTE AT THE TOP OF MY BIO. PLEASE SEE IT (5/9/08: UPDATE)