Beating Hearts
Chapter 8
Mankind are governed more by their feelings than by reason. – Samuel Adams
TK had wanted to do something today. Kari had been just about to agree—after all, she didn't want things to be completely awkward between them at the dance—but then remembered Matt's words of the day before.
"I'll surprise you."
She had no idea if he would show up today. Monday. What if he did, and she missed it? Kari sorely needed those lessons. If she was going to be the only girl waltzing at that dance, than she was going to act like she knew how to waltz. She was completely unprepared and not confident in her ability, no matter how many times Matt assured her she was doing fine. She didn't want to be just fine. She wanted to be great. Inspiring.
So Kari had refused. She could see the resignation in TK's eyes, almost as if he had expected him. She had told him, over and over, that that wasn't the case and she did want to spend time with him, but she was planning a surprise for him. It was the truth, but not exactly. Either way, that had seemed to smooth things over quite well.
Now she was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling, and squeezing a pillow to her chest. This was absolute turmoil. Horror. Discomfort. Whenever she was with TK, she felt guilty. Whenever she was with Matt, she felt a thrill, but also… she knew it was impossible. Matt didn't know it, but his presence almost belittled Kari. She felt worthless beside him. She knew it wasn't his fault, but her own obsessive paranoia.
School had ended. She should be working on her homework. She should be making dinner for when her parents got home from work. She should at least be bothering Tai to clean up the mess he'd made in the living room. But she just wasn't up to it. All she could think about was trying to remember the waltz steps.
What if Matt didn't show up at all? What if he had been annoyed with her yesterday? She had gotten aggravated with him, and she hadn't meant to. The truth was, she had been hurt. Kari should have been expecting it. After all, Matt would put TK before anyone else, and he only wanted his brother to be happy. But Kari had been hoping… hoping, that he didn't want them to go together, and that he would sweep her off of her feet at the dance after his band played their set. But it was clear from yesterday's conversation that Matt wanted her to go with TK.
Fine. She could do that. She was doing that. Not because of Matt. Not because of the guilt with TK. But because she wanted to. Kari had set out to go to this dance with TK, and now she was! She should have been overjoyed and giddy, not determined and unhappy. Why was it that going with TK felt as if she was winning by proving everybody wrong? Nobody even knew about her strange little crush.
There was a knock on the door. Kari blinked, feeling her heartbeat speed up. Was it Matt? Could it be? She lurched out of bed and rushed to the door, clicking it open so quickly her hand slipped off of the handle. She took a moment to breathe, to compose herself. Brushing her fingers through her short hair haphazardly, Kari opened the door gently and gracefully.
Only to have it whipped out of her grasp by Tai, who had been standing on the other side. "Geez, Kari! Way to take a hundred years to answer the damn door!" Tai yelled, racing past her toward his room. Kari took a shocked step back. He had been wearing his soccer uniform… she forgot he had a soccer game that afternoon.
"Tai!" she yelled. "Quit bothering me! You could've gotten in yourself!" Stupid brother.
"Yea, well, too much work!" She heard him yell from his bedroom. It sounded like he was flinging buildings around in there. Seconds later, he dashed back out with shin pads in his hand.
"Bye Kari!" he called, running past her. Kari blinked in surprise.
"T—TAI! CLEAN YOUR MESS UP WHEN YOU GET HOME!" She slammed the door shut behind him. There. At least she had done one thing on her "Should Be Doing" list.
Grumbling to herself, Kari walked toward the kitchen, her feet dragging on the floor. She still clutched the pillow in her arms as she stood in front of the refrigerator, trying to decide what to do. Cook for her parents, or pig out on food because she was that pathetic? Was she going to be like this all week?
Finally she decided on having a bottle of water, because water was safe and healthy. It also didn't take any work to make it. Setting the pillow on the floor, she popped one out of the refrigerator door and snapped open the plastic lid, taking a dainty sip.
Kari wasn't even thirsty. She was just bored.
Walking over to the balcony doors, Kari saw through the glass that it was grey and raining outside. It had been all day. Being so bored though, she decided standing in the rain might be fun. Then she would see if she got sick and prove that she was healthy now.
Sliding open the door, Kari stepped hastily onto the cement balcony. In her bare feet she felt the water on the cement and shivered from the cold, but it was an excited shiver. Taking another step out, she was out of the shelter of the balcony above her. She leaned her stomach against the railing, her hands gripping tightly to the bar. She felt the rain pelting down on her, and it stung but it was also somehow pleasing to watch the water soak through her clothes and collect on her skin. She felt her hair plaster itself to her head, and she winced as raindrops shot into her eyes. But she lifted her face anyway to stare up the sky. Dark, cloudy, and ominous. Why were storms so misleading? Rain felt so wonderful, so relaxing and freeing. So why did it have to be followed by a heavy atmosphere?
She stood there for several more moments, and felt the curious urge to laugh. To dance. These were urges she had when she was eight, not fifteen. Being a Digi-destined had changed her so much. Already being mature for her age because of her illness, Kari had evolved much more over that time period. Was that why she never danced anymore? Never sang? Never really enjoyed herself when she was dancing with Matt? Maybe she was looking at everything the wrong way… the adult way. Maybe she was trying to fix things with TK because she thought it was the adult thing to do, not the right thing. Maybe…
Her thoughts were abruptly cut off by a distant noise in the apartment. She froze, thinking there were a burglar, a murderer, and oh dear God she was going to die on a balcony in the rain when she was fifteen! She crouched in the corner, could almost feel the tears threatening to start pouring from her eyes…
"Kari?" asked a familiar voice from inside. Frozen solid, hidden by one of their potted plants on the balcony, she couldn't reply. Was that… No. She was dreaming. Imagining.
"Ka… ri?" A head poked out of the door from inside the house. Kari was so shocked that the stiffness of her body immediately jumped. Bellowing out a shriek of surprise, Kari leapt to her feet, her body screaming to run, but run where?
"Dammit, Kari! What is wrong with you?" It was a boy. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Grouchy voice. Familiar uniform…
Kari let out a gasp of air, one hand clutching the railing for support, the other placed over the spot on her chest where her heart was beating wildly. "Oh my God… Matt," she whispered, bowing her head with relief. Just Matt. She had been horrified. Her imagination needed to stop running wild whenever she was home alone.
Kari wasn't able to differentiate between the tears and the rain on her face now. She was sure she had been crying, huddled behind that plant. "Hey, what are you doing out here? You'll get sick." His tone was stern now… almost parental. It had been sharp and angry seconds ago.
"I won't get sick," she muttered, sliding past him into the house. Matt stepped in behind her, shutting the door. The noise from outside immediately softened into muffled patters. Kari stood in the kitchen, drenched with water pooling at her bare feet.
"I'll get you a towel," Matt informed her, disappearing down the hall and a few moments later came back with a thick green one. He tossed it at her head and Kari caught it, fumbling. Rubbing vigorously at her face, Kari began to feel the embarrassment settle in. She must look horrible!
"Why are you even in here?" she asked, now bending over to dry her hair with the towel. Rain droplets scattered onto the floor as she massaged the towel in.
Matt was silent for a second. "For lessons?" he reminded her, and Kari heard the sarcastic lilt in his words.
"I meant how," she clarified, still drying her hair.
"I saw Tai outside, and I asked if I could have the key." Matt shrugged, but Kari couldn't see. She was staring at the floor, but then she stood up straight, her hair flyaway and sticking up everywhere. Beginning to rub at her arms, Kari didn't even realize Matt was smirking at the mess of her hair. She was completely oblivious until Matt stepped over and began to flatten her hair with his fingers.
"Don't even own a comb?" he asked jokingly.
Kari couldn't breathe. She tried to reply, but Matt was running his fingers through her hair—her hair!—in a sad attempt to comb it. Her heart began to slam against her ribcage, and she instinctively clutched a hand to her chest, letting out a gasp of air in surprise at the feeling Matt's fingers were sending down her body. Shivers, painful but also nice and God, she wanted to kiss him right now, but where did that come from? That was horrible! She wanted him to keep running his hands through her hair, bring her closer, passionate kiss, lust, rolling on the floor, whispers, lips, teasing, biting—
"OH MY GOD!" Kari screamed, ripping away from Matt's hands, clutching the damp towel to her chest. Her face was flaming; she could feel it. Matt stared at her, wide-eyed. For once, the shock on his face wasn't hidden… and he didn't try to cover it.
"What? Did I do something?" asked Matt, sounding genuinely concerned. If it was possible, Kari's face grew several shades of red darker.
"Y—No! Me! I did something! Uh, wet clothes. Cold. IgottachangeI'llberightback!" Kari dashed down the hall before Matt could say another word, slamming the door of her bedroom behind her.
For minutes that felt like hours, Kari stood behind her door, one hand still holding onto the doorknob. She was trembling, from fright or cold or excitement she didn't know which. But it was all horrible, all one big mess, but she couldn't stop thinking about Matt's fingers in her hair!
At a speed she didn't think imaginable, Kari changed out of her wet clothes to dry ones, running a brush through her short hair, still damp and beginning to grow wavy from drying naturally. Kari didn't bother with it though, and with one last smoothing of her pants, Kari stepped out of her room and walked as casually as possibly down the hall. If Matt had known what she was thinking about—
"That was… different," he spoke from the dining room table. Kari came to a halt at the door to the dining room, taken by surprise. She glanced over to see him sitting at the table, one elbow balancing lazily on the glass top; the other arm was resting on his thigh. His cheek was resting in the palm of his hand, and he quirked an eyebrow at her. "You look scared," he mused.
"I'm not scared!" Kari snapped back, unintentionally. "Uh, sorry. I'm just… I thought you were a killer or something," she said, laughing nervously and reverting back to the original problem. "I think I just got carried away…"
Matt gave a small sigh, rubbing a hand over his face, as if trying to erase some sort of expression he had, but Kari could see his face was as flat as ever. "Sorry," she apologized again, meekly. And she had thought she was too adult earlier that day? She was acting like a giddy child right now!
"No problem," Matt said, tossing her the bottle of water she had left on the floor by the balcony earlier. She fumbled with it, but managed to keep it in her grasp.
"Oh, thanks." Silence. "So, are you here for lessons?" She scuffed a bare foot on the wooden floor. It squeaked. "Since you came alo—well, since Tai's not here." Saying he came here alone would put thoughts or innuendo in Kari's head she didn't need… or want.
"That's right," Matt replied. He stood up, stretching out his left arm. He began to walk toward her, out the door. Kari found she couldn't move, even when Matt came brushing past her. She froze at the touch of his hand against her arm.
"Oh," he murmured, stopping right in front of Kari. She had to struggle to hide the terror from her face. He had to tell her something here? Now? When they were both caught in the doorway and inches apart from each other? If only he knew what she was thinking, he would realize she wasn't some innocent little girl. Oh God.
"W—What?" she squeaked out. Matt gave her a slanted look from the corner of his eye.
"I told you I'd surprise you, and judging by the shriek on the balcony I think I did my job." He lifted a hand, as if to ruffle her hair, but stopped; maybe he was remembering Kari's mortifying reaction to his earlier touch. He let the hand drop, and Kari watched it rest at his side.
"Yea, I suppose you won," she replied weakly, working to get her body under control. No matter what, she had to do well in the lesson. She had to get this waltzing thing down.
Matt didn't say anything, but walked out of the doorway and down the hall to their practicing room. Kari let out a huge sigh of relief.
This was maybe the strangest encounter with Kari Matt had ever had… excluding the random cry she had had in the halls that one day. But other than that, this was it.
He knew it was probably scary to a fifteen-year-old girl (or however old she was) that someone could just waltz into her apartment without buzzing up. But it had been coincidence he'd seen Tai zooming past, only stopping to pant out a reply that yes, Kari was home, but she was hiding in her room so here was the key! And he was off.
Matt had not been expecting her to be standing out on the balcony in the middle of a storm.
She probably thought he hadn't seen her. He hadn't made himself known until she'd jumped, and without looking back through the doors bolted behind a plant that was to the left of the porch doors. But he had seen her. Something about coming across Kari standing in a storm, soaked to the bone but still smiling up at the sky, had unnerved him. It wasn't as if he'd been scared or weirded out, but rather that he'd felt something strange inside of him.
He knew what that feeling was well enough that he didn't want to even acknowledge that it had flitted through his body, even for a second. No. Not Kari. Not little, sweet, Kari. Not Tai's sister. No way.
And even though he forced those feelings to the very corner of his heart, and he'd acted perfectly normal on the balcony when she'd shrieked and acted the part of a perfect frightened girl, something had happened once he'd tossed her the towel. Something had happened when she'd flipped her hair back over and all that was left was a horrible mess, knots and giant puffs of wet strands. It was short, but it was thick. He had felt the uncommon urge, the horrible urge to touch her hair. Matt had never been one to go against his urges. He wanted to play guitar; he played. He wanted to flirt with groupies; he flirted. He wanted to save the Earth; he'd saved it. So it had seemed almost normal to reach out and try to flatten her hair, to try and comb out the tangles with his fingers. In its dampness, the smell of fruit from her shampoo had been easier to notice. He had been so distracted that he hadn't noticed the sickened expression on her face until just before she'd screamed at him.
Maybe that was why he was acting strangely.
So maybe it was an unconscious thing, but both of them were on edge. He tried to act cool, and he thought he was doing a good job of it. Kari, on the other hand, didn't seem to be just trying. She looked calm. She was concentrating, trying to go with the flow of the crackling record as Matt spun her around the room, sometimes switching to partner to allow her to lead, just so she could try it. He noticed she was getting better, and maybe all of that practicing she'd mentioned the day before was actually getting her somewhere.
"Good job," he whispered softly, his eyes on the wall behind her hair, which he now noticed was waving gently beneath his eyes. Oh God, he wanted to touch her hair again, but he didn't want Kari to scream. He didn't want to ruin this sort-of friendship they'd created over the past week. He didn't, he couldn't, he wouldn't…
"Matt? You okay?" Kari asked suddenly. Matt blinked, looking down at her. They had stopped moving, and Kari was giving him a concerned look, with a crinkle in her brow. He still had his hand around her waist, and the other clutching her hand—
Wait. Clutching?
"Oh, sorry," he apologized, hastily letting go of her hand. It was like a pressure was released on his hand, and he could see her own hand had gone white with his grip. He had been trying to control himself so much that he'd begun to hold her tighter. Even the hand around her waist was tight. Protective. He dropped that too, as if she was on fire. "God, sorry," he apologized again, mortified at his actions. Kari was silent, flexing her small hand Matt had been squeezing.
He ran a hand over his face, and this seemed to catch Kari's eye. "You look tired," she observed. "We can stop for a while if you want."
Matt hesitated before nodding in agreement, taking the chair to sit on. Kari walked to the other side and grabbed her bottle of water from the floor near the door. He watched idly as she took several drinks from it. The pink in her cheeks proved she had been working hard.
"I never knew your hair was wavy." Oh great. Just great. What the hell was wrong with him!?
"Oh." Kari made a face, tugging a strand of hair. "I don't like it very much, but I didn't want to make you wait if I decided to blow dry it." She shrugged, twisting the lid back on the water bottle and resting it on the floor.
Matt almost said, "I'm glad you left it," but had enough sense not to listen to that urge. "Want to try a few more steps? You nearly have it," he encouraged her. Kari gave him a shy smile; it was soft and fleeting and beautiful. He froze in his tracks. This was something new. This was a horrible surprise. Matt had most often seen Kari stutter or stay silent. This was… different. Nice, though. But different.
"Hello? Are you awake?" A soft, teasing voice seemed to be echoing in his head. With a blink, Matt saw it was Kari standing in front of him, a tilt to her smile. "You're sure you're all right?" she questioned again.
Dammit. Dammit. This had never happened before! He felt the strange prickling on the back of his neck that came with his rare moments of embarrassment. "Yes, I'm fine," he told her irritably. Kari noticed his tone, and he saw her stiffen. Matt always forgot Kari was very empathetic. He rushed on, grabbing her hands to position them properly.
"Okay, so, it's just about two minutes in when you stumble, when the beat changes—"
"Matt."
"But it's all right, my mom laughed at me all the time when I was younger there, so—"
"Matt."
"Back one step, and—Kari, you sort of have to move your feet—"
"Matt."
He sighed, silencing himself. Why had he been babbling? It wasn't like he was deaf. He had heard Kari talking, and he'd noticed her refusal to move an inch when he was trying to instruct her. But he just wanted these lessons to go on, so they could be done, and Matt could escape and stop thinking about Kari and her damn hair. "What?" he asked warily.
"You're acting a lot like… me." She let out a quiet giggle. Oh God. Matt took a small step back from her; Kari noticed. "Oh, are you sick of dancing?" she asked. "If it's tiring you out, or something, we can stop…" Her sentence drifted off into nothing. Matt didn't realize until that moment that he'd been shaking his head slowly to her words.
Silence between then engulfed the room, only broken by the repetitive tune of a waltz on the crackling record in the corner. Matt knew the song so well by know that he was mentally humming the parts that soon came, even though his mind was ablaze with thoughts, trying to think of some sort of answer that might cover how strangely he'd been acting.
Nothing came. Kari continued to watch him carefully, almost too nervous to look away. But then thoughts formed. Foggy ones. Words started to roll off his tongue before he could think properly. "Were you really as heart-broken as you looked when TK made you cry?" He had not just said that. He had not, had not, had not.
Kari looked just as horrified at Matt's words as he felt. "Er—" he muttered out, trying to think of an escape route for her. For him.
"Why… do you want to know?" Kari asked, giving him an anxious glance.
"I don't," Matt insisted gruffly. "Stupid. Don't answer. I don't know what I'm talking about." This had never happened before. Around a girl, he'd never been rendered silent out of his own blatant stupidity. There was something about Kari that constantly trapped him.
"I think I was," she began softly, ignoring Matt's words. Oh great. The one time she decided not to listen!? And of course he'd hear a response he had been expecting but not liking. Honestly. "But…" She fell silent, her gaze stuck on a photo hung on the wall behind Matt's head; she was thinking. "It was more like—more like I was so sad because the… story was over." She smiled sadly. Matt felt something else that felt foreign to him. Something… softer. He took a step closer toward her, closing the space between them again.
"Story?" he repeated, smirking. "Sounds epic. Is that what you two were?"
Kari was silent. "I think that a lot of people saw us that way." Her eyes flickered up to him, but stayed tied to his gaze. Oh no.
"That all sounds like it's in the past tense," Matt murmured, oblivious to how low his voice was going. Kari wasn't looking away now.
"It's compli—" She stopped. Blinked. Something was broken, and Matt suddenly realized how close they were. Close enough for him to bend down and—
"TK's your brother," Kari whispered abruptly. Matt looked at her as if to say, 'well, duh'.
"Yes?" he prodded; irritated that she'd looked away. They still hadn't moved apart.
"We're talking like—like he's not." She fiddled with a strand of hair nervously. No, no, Kari that was the wrong move, because it was a bad idea to touch that hair around Matt, and for the love of God not inches away from Matt. He grabbed at her hand, the one that was tugging at her hair. She froze; he froze.
"I don't care if he is," Matt whispered, and he meant it. What was he going on about? "Just…" He didn't know what to say. His hand was still covering Kari's, and her fingers were still twirled into the hair. He lowered her hand slowly, but kept her fingers entwined with his. "Just say he's not for a minute, okay?"
Kari looked scared; their eyes were locked together again and she couldn't look away. He knew it. "Ma—wh—why—"
Matt shouldn't have listened to that urge. He wasn't supposed to. It was horrible and forbidden and this was Tai's little sister and the love of his little brother's life, but it was too late now because his other hand had slid across the back of Kari's head, tilted her face up, and he kissed her.