Mugen and Fuu in Never Never Land, Chapter 2
by Laura Bryannan
Mugen and the Darling children flew and flew (and boy, were their arms tired) until suddenly, in a flash of the morning star, they burst into the wondrous new world. Now we all know that Never Never Land was situated on a small island, with not much room between one adventure and another, and they peered at it from a cloud with great excitement.
"I see the pirate ship!" Yuki exclaimed, pointing.
"And the mermaid's lagoon," Fuu added. "I do so want to meet a real mermaid."
"There's the Indian encampment," noted Jin. "When shall we fight, captain?"
Mugen opened his mouth to reply but a volley of cannonballs interrupted, causing them all to scramble. "Hey Momo," he yelled. "Show these noobs the way to our place while I draw Hook's attention."
The crafty animal took off, leaving the children far behind, and whispered a tale of great naughtiness to the Lost Boys waiting not-so-patiently for Mugen to return. So when Fuu, Jin and Yuki finally arrived, instead of a warm welcome they were set upon roughly and stuck up on crosses.
"We caught the Fuu Bird," cried Tootles, proudly. "Won't Mugen be happy?"
"And this Jin Bird too," noted Twins. "But why didn't you mount him?" they asked, pointing to Yuki.
"Well, we're keeping this one," Nibs said, "an' mounting him different."
"Anyone with a buttflap is a friend of ours!" added Slightly Soiled, dragging Yuki off through a door in a local tree trunk.
"Wait!" cried Yuki.
"I'm a bear," Nibs told him. "He's a skunk."
"HELP!" Yuki hollered.
"You can be the pussy," was heard as the door slammed shut.
When Mugen arrived, he stood drooling at the two exotic creatures up on their poles for a full minute before Fuu's shriek startled him back to reality. "Mugen! Get us down from here this instant!"
"Uh, right. What the fuck's going on here?" he asked his men.
Tootles and Twins saluted, grinning. "Momo told us you wanted to stick 'em, so we did, Mugen."
"MOMO!" he yelled.
The creature flew to his shoulder looking quite innocent.
"That's not the kind of sticking I meant, an' you know it," he scolded, frowning.
Momo preened herself and deigned to respond.
"Bitch, that's treason!" he told her. "You're banished. Get the hell outta here!"
Momo looked as hurt and insulted as a flying squirrel thing could look and flew off in a huff.
"Oh no, Mugen," Fuu cried, as the boys lowered her to the ground. "Not banishment."
"What do you care?" Mugen replied, grumpily. "Better for you she's not around, so nobody's dropping bird poop in your hair or shoving newts up your nightgown."
"Ewwww!" Fuu squirmed at such gruesomeness.
"So what are we gonna do, fellas?" Mugen asked, brandishing his sword.
"Let's raid the pirate ship!" yelled Tootles.
"I want to scout for Indians," announced Jin.
"Oh no, not that," Fuu pouted. "I want to visit the mermaid lagoon."
"Mermaids!" The boys all made gaggy faces. "Not them!"
"I'll take her," Mugen decided. "You guys go capture some Indians and we'll meet up later."
"Right," cried Jin. "Follow me, boys!"
"Who died and made you boss?" argued Twins.
"Shut up," whispered Tootles. "He's got nothing on under that nightshirt."
"Really?!" enthused Twins. "Well, alright! Let's go!"
And so they marched off, following their leader, while Mugen carried Fuu over the sparkling sea to the quiet of the mermaid's lagoon, setting her gently upon a large rock.
"Oh, it's Mugen!" the mermaids shouted, happily. "Hello, Mugen! Hello!"
"'Sup, girls?" he replied with a swagger.
"What have you and the Lost Boys been up to lately?" asked the brunette one.
"You've been gone so long," pouted another. "Tell us about your adventures. Something exciting!"
"You wanna hear about how I cut off Hook's hand and threw it to the crocodile?" he asked.
"Ummm...well." They eyed each other doubtfully. "We'd rather hear the story about Nib's nib."
"That's a good one!" agreed the sultry redhead. "Or maybe about how you helped Tootles play with his marbles."
"Yes!" the other mermaids shouted happily. "Please, Mugen, tell us that one!"
Mugen felt confused, as he always did when he talked to the mermaids. "Uhhh, maybe later."
"Oh, Mugen!" Fuu called, waving.
"Who's she?" came several indignant voices.
"Her?" asked Mugen. "That's Fuu."
"A girl!" cried Redhead. "Don't tell me you're with her!"
"What would the Lost Boys think?" asked another.
"Well, I figured they'd like her too," Mugen stated, defensively.
"Boys and girls...together? How disgusting! EWWWWWWWW!" they squealed.
"Huh?" stammered Mugen, scratching his head.
A few swam over to Fuu's rock. "What was your name again, dearie?" the blond one purred. "Fuu? I think it's Sue!" She sent a splash of water into Fuu's face.
Fuu sputtered, indignant. "It's not Sue, it's Fuu."
The smoky brunette joined in on the fun. "Mary Sue Fuu. That's you" More splashing drenched Fuu's nightgown. Quite fetchingly, Mugen decided.
"That's right," added Redhead, trying to pull her off the rock. "Scores of pathetic fanfic writers Sued you to death. Don't deny it!"
"They did not!" Fuu argued. "I really am that perfect. So there!"
"Well if you ask me, it's gross!" decided Brunette. "Those guys belonged together, not with you stinking up the place."
"P.U. Get out of here, Sue!" sniffed another.
"It's Fuu!"
"Die, ebil female!" they cried, setting upon her, even with their new manicures.
"Mugen! Help!"
The scream forced Mugen to tear his eyes away from Fuu's nightgown being torn to shreds, and he scooped the poor girl up while she still had a few scraps of modesty left. "Let's get the hell outta here," he whispered. "Those bitches are always weird like that. I can never figure 'em out."
So enraptured was Fuu to be in Mugen's arms, she didn't notice him heading toward the swash of color on a rock in the middle of the water. "Holy shit! It's Kohza Lilly," Mugen announced. "Hey girl, what the hell are you doing?"
"Hook tied me up here and the tide is coming in," she told him. "Please help!"
Mugen eyed the situation critically. "Well, I dunno. I kinda got my arms full of Fuu already."
"Fuu is lucky," Kohza Lilly cried. "She gets to be with you. I want to be with you too, Mugen. I want to leave this place."
"Sorry." Mugen backed away. "I ain't the right guy for that job."
"But Mugen," Fuu admonished. "You've got to help her. She'll drown!"
"You want me to take on the both of you?" Mugen asked, incredulous but already salivating.
"Of course!" Fuu told him. "We can't just leave her here."
"Hot damn!" He scooped Kohza Lilly up in his other arm and zoomed off to the Indian encampment ready for some action. However, upon alighting near the communal fire he was surprised to discover the Lost Boys who, due to Jin's master samurai prowess, had been captured earlier that day.
Mugen went hunting for the guy in charge. "Hey man," he said in greeting.
"Oi!" growled the chief.
"Oi?" puzzled Mugen. "I thought you guys were supposed to say 'How'?"
"Uh, right," came the hurried response. "Ugga fucking wigwam. How's that?"
"Cool, man," Mugen said. "Everything's cool."
"Me Chief Mukuro," the big man announced. "You Mugen, right?"
"Yeah, that's me. Mugen, captain of the Lost Boys and slayer of pirates."
"Yeah, I heard about them pirates and I gotta foolproof plan to steal their gold," Mukuro stated. "You wanna join up with me? Let's smoke-um peace pipe. I got some great shit here."
"Fire it up!" Mugen enthused.
And so they filled the bowl and everyone had a hit or two except Fuu, who was fuming because Kohza Lilly was cozying up to Mugen in insufferable ways. It would have done her good to chill out, but oh well.
Meanwhile, Chief Mukuro was still plotting. "So Mugen, how about it? Join up with me."
"Nah," Mugen decided. "Who cares about gold? I just wanna be a little boy and have fun."
"Don't tell me you've forgotten about it," Mukuro insisted. "The darkness you've got in that soul of yours. In the end, my friend, you and me are just a couple of cursed men. There will never be a place for us to run to."
Mugen stood up looking dubious. "Man, you're weird when you're stoned. I gotta go."
"What?" cried Mukuro. "My purple prose not good enough for you?"
"Uhhh, it's great," Mugen assured him. "I just don't work for nobody. Come on, fellas, we're outta here!"
And so Our Heroes set off on their next adventure, which involved none other than their greatest foes, the pirates! And these, of course, were the notorious Hook Brothers, Kariya and Mariya (isn't it just the handiest thing that their names rhyme?) and their dastardly henchmen Patch, Pumpkinhead and Skippy—whom they wheeled about in a wooden chair, which made him a lousy pirate but a great stepstool and clothesrack.
Hook's pirates were the evilest of the evil. They were so evil, none of them were even the least bit cute like Captain Jack or Will, so you know they were really, reeeeealy bad. They prowled around Neverland singing and dancing, living purely for their art:
We're bloody buccaneers!
And each a murderous crook.
We massacre Indians, kill little boys,
And give it to Captain Hook.
Yo ho! Yo ho!
And give it to Captain Hook.
Yes, they were like that, which explains why they were always chasing after the Lost Boys. Captain Hook and his brother were the most feared denizens of Neverland, as their fiendish plots had almost murdered Mugen many hundreds of times. That fateful day they were in foul spirits, for their latest plan had gone awry and they did not yet know what boon would arrive with the wind.
"Smee!" Kariya called.
"That is not my name," came the huffy reply. "I refuse to respond to you."
"It's a perfectly good name," Kariya taunted. "Smee. Smee. Smee."
"My name is Mariya, thank you very much."
"Mother should never have named you that," Kariya ranted for the thousandth time.
"Well, Mother always liked you best," Maria replied, "so you've got nothing to complain about."
"She liked me best for good reason, which is why you are what I say you are. Now, Smee..."
"I'm not listening." Mariya put his hands over his ears. "La, la, la, la, la, la."
Suddenly a ball of fur and fury burst into the room, hisspitting an angry tale.
"Why Miss Momo," Kariya purred. "You've been banished?! How awful! There's a girl, you say?" He eyed his brother meaningfully.
Mariya pulled some seeds out of his pocket and offered them to the creature, who gobbled them greedily. "From my own garden," he told her. "We can take care of this problem for you, Miss Momo, can't we brother?"
"Of course, my dear!" cried Kariya. "If you'd just tell us where to find her."
Oh, best beloved, you know what happens, don't you? Mugen sent everyone ahead of him to hold a brief conference...ahem...with Kohza Lilly, and when he returned to their secret underground home he found no one and nothing but his glass of medicine.
Mugen reached for it, telling himself, "Fuu says I gotta drink my medicine, so I suppose I should." He raised it to his lips while everyone reading hoped Momo would show up and drink it for him. Would anyone clap for Momo? Heh, don't hold your breath.
But, fear not! Our Mugen dashed the glass against the wall, shattering it to pieces. "Medicine?" he scoffed. "Fuck that! It's whiskey or nothing. I'm off to rescue Fuu!" And he flew with great speed to his fateful showdown with Captain Hook.
Poor Fuu was bravely stepping off the plank when he arrived and caught her just in time, crowing in jubilation!
"Who's that doodle doo?" cried Kariya.
"Who else could it be!" replied Mugen, landing on the deck with a swagger. "The rooster's my fucking symbol, asshole." And he crowed again to emphasize. "Come on, men. Let's rumble!"
Jin lept forward, confident. "Mugen, take care of Fuu," he declared, and then went on to kick Patch and Pumpkinhead's ass, finally settling the age-old debate about whether he could have beaten them. Of course he could have, you fool. He's Jin!
Mugen grinned and set off to battle Hook, who was a lethal swordsman, but we all know Mugen was holding back in the anime and could have easily nailed Kariya if he really wanted to, so was there any contest between them? Hell, no!
Meanwhile, our friend Yuki was carried off blushing and squirming to a dark corner of the hold for a pirate adventure of his own. Hey, I was good to him in BaU and he's just too much fun to abuse, so shut up!
The pirates were finally routed when our favorite deus ex machinas, Momo and The Crocodile, arrived to chase them all into the sunset. The Lost Boys found Yuki, dazed but smiling, and all celebrated with great celebration on the deck of their new ship, the Jolly Roger.
But then, sadly, it was time for all good children to be safe in their beds. Mugen dropped the Lost Boys off at their tree trunk and turned to face the Darlings. "So where are we going now?" he asked. "I suppose you guys wanna go home to Edo."
"No," said Jin. "Let's not go to Edo. 'Tis a silly place."
"I know," Fuu exclaimed. "We'll go searching for the sunflower samurai."
Mugen looked hopeful. "Sunflower samurai? Is that anything like Maui Wowie or Panama Red?"
"Oh yeah," Yuki assured him. "I heard it was even better."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" he cried happily. "Let's go!"
And so the four friends sailed off on their journey through the Purple Haze and had many fine adventures whilst searching for the elusive sunflower samurai. But that, best beloved, is a story for grown-ups.
end