Chapter 5: What makes you happy Colonel?
The next few days passed without any new incidents. Sheppard's connection to the city was still strangely absent but John was relieved that Rodney appeared to have given up trying to work out the reason for that. When you couldn't explain in a scientific way why something was there in the first place it didn't leave much hope for explaining why it was suddenly gone.
Sheppard found himself adjusting to the absence, helped in part by the fact that he spent most of his days catching up on the administrative work he usually never had time for. Time passed in a tired distracted blur brought on by nights filled with nightmare Wraith stalking him through the forest of his dreams. He'd taken to avoiding the rest of his team ... Teyla and Ronon were easy because Doctor Weir had utilised them on other off world teams. Rodney was a bit more difficult, persistent in his belief that something was wrong with John despite all his assurances and protests to the contrary.
After cancelling twice at the last minute Sheppard finally had no choice but to turn up for his appointment with Doctor Heightmeyer almost a week after the incident that had prompted the directive from Elizabeth. Normally Rodney would have been happy to listen to Sheppard's complaints about the futility of the whole exercise but not this time - the only thing that seemed to be holding him back from dragging Sheppard back to Doctor Beckett was the knowledge John was getting professional help from someone.
"Why do you think you're here today Colonel?" Kate Heightmeyer used that gentle counsellor's voice that always gave him the creeps.
"Because Doctor Weir asked me to speak with you and I couldn't get out of it," Sheppard went for the truthful but unhelpful answer.
"And why do you think she did that?" Kate persisted.
"Because I tried to rearrange my door controls with my fist," Sheppard said glibly. "She and the Doc are worried that's not exactly normal – even for me."
"And what do you think?" Kate's face was expressionless despite John's obvious lack of real cooperation.
"Are you gonna be asking me questions like that for the whole session?" Sheppard looked at Kate with a bland expression. "Because it doesn't make this feel much like an actual ... conversation."
"Please just answer the question Colonel," Kate urged. "It's important in these kinds of sessions for you to guide the process."
"I'll be honest," Sheppard leant back casually in his chair, trying to convince Kate that he was quite comfortable being there. "The only place I'll be guiding this conversation is out the door."
"If you don't cooperate this time Doctor Weir will only insist on a follow up session later," Kate pointed out, not taking offense to a remark that was probably similar to many she faced every day.
"Okay," Sheppard gave in abruptly, his whole demeanour changing to purposeful in the blink of an eye. "No it's not normal – I usually have much better control of my anger than to show it, let alone display it in such an aggressive manner."
"I overheard a couple of Doctor McKay's staff talking about an argument you had with him in the lab the day before the incident," Kate admitted. "That combined with the fact that you felt threatened by Rodney enough to attempt to strangle him doesn't paint a good picture."
"You have been keeping tabs on me haven't you?" Sheppard commented bitterly, "Well your interpretation is somewhat flawed. One – I didn't argue with McKay. It was just a ... lively conversation. And two – I didn't feel threatened by him. I reacted to a foreign presence during my sleep just as I've been trained to do. I didn't even know it was him until after I woke up."
"I understand that Colonel," Kate nodded, "but Doctor Beckett also mentioned some vivid nightmares you've been having lately."
"Isn't it normal having dreams after difficult things have happened to you?" Sheppard turned the question back to the questioner.
"It is," Kate agreed. "And in and of themselves they're not necessarily a problem. But nightmares combined with other things could point to issues that need to be addressed."
"Like what?" Sheppard frowned slightly, feeling a chill dread inside.
"A range of things Colonel," Kate said evasively. "Let's talk about your general wellbeing," she changed the subject abruptly. "Have you made any changes in your routine recently?"
"Um ...," Sheppard thought quickly, trying to decide what that question was supposed to be getting at. "I gave up my morning run with Ronon – but only because of the cast."
"Do you normally take a break from that when you're injured?" Kate's tone was mildly interested.
"Depends on the injury," Sheppard admitted. "I guess I could run with the cast but there's not much point – with this thing weighing me down I've got no hope of beating Ronon."
"Is that what your runs are about – winning?" Kate looked at John curiously.
"Not on the surface," Sheppard grinned, "but deep down - yeah, that's exactly what they're about."
"Are you a planner Colonel?" Kate asked lightly, changing the subject again. When Sheppard raised a puzzled eyebrow at her she rephrased the question. "Do you have clear ideas on what direction you'd like your career – your personal life – to take in the future?"
"I have a dangerous job in a place where we're the primary food source for a race that far outnumbers us," Sheppard said grimly. "So no, planning for the future isn't at the top of my list."
"Have you always been that way?" Sheppard looked at Kate almost suspiciously as she waited for him to think about that one for a moment.
"I don't know," Sheppard finally admitted. "I guess I was more interested in imagining my future at one stage – wouldn't have got married otherwise. But the more time we spend here, the more people we lose to the Wraith ... I don't know," John trailed off uncomfortably.
"What makes you happy Colonel?" Kate moved on to the next topic with barely a pause.
Sheppard took a moment, trying to work out where Heightmeyer was going with her seemingly random mix of questions. "A turkey sandwich at the end of a long shift," he quipped lightly, earning a slight smile from Kate.
"When was the last time you felt genuinely excited about something?" Kate persisted, turning the question around and sending it straight back to him.
"Ah ...," Sheppard ran a hand over the back of his neck as he tried to think of something. "When the SGC re-established contact with us I guess," he said hesitantly. Surely there was something else more recent that he'd gotten excited about but for the life of him he couldn't bring anything else to mind.
"That was a long time ago," Kate pointed out. "Nothing more recent?"
"Probably," Sheppard agreed. "I just can't think of anything right now. Once I walk out that door I'm sure a million examples will occur to me."
"I'm sure they will," Kate smiled easily. "Getting back to the anger you mentioned before, can you tell me a bit more about what you were thinking at the time?"
Sheppard cooperated as best he could, fielding question after question about his actions and his motivations. He could feel himself getting more and more impatient before finally Doctor Heightmeyer called the session to a close. Sheppard wasted no time in jumping up and taking his leave – purposefully giving no further thought to the outcome.
x
"Sit down Colonel," Beckett gestured to the chair across from his own.
"What's the story Doc?" Sheppard asked, curious about why Carson would have called him into his office for a private chat.
"I spoke with Doctor Heightmeyer after your session with her yesterday," Carson began. "She feels, and I agree, that there are a few issues emerging for you that we need to pay attention to."
"Not the thing with the nightmares again," Sheppard complained. "Surely I'm allowed a little time to deal with surviving a Wraith feeding attack!"
"If it were just that I'd agree with you Colonel," Beckett replied. "But your memories of that event are affecting your work as well – Elizabeth isn't the only one to tell me how distracted you've been lately. Plus Dr Heightmeyer felt you were showing signs of disinterest in your usual activities, along with no desire to plan even for your immediate future."
"So?" Sheppard asked in confusion. "Just get to the point Carson!"
"You're well on the way to a case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder son," Beckett said grimly.
Authors Note:
Things are only getting worse for Shep ... don't hurt me though ... there's progress ahead ... somewhere ...
Thanks to Dybdahl (of course I believed you!) for letting me know my Ronon spelling was wrong ... lucky it was just the last chapter so far and the rest of the story has now been corrected (plus all my other stories!!).